Are Dry Weddings Unfair to Guests?

SP29 · February 2017

Jen4948 said:

Fair enough.

But do most hosts of dry weddings voluntarily indicate the reason there isn't any booze or even announce before the wedding that it's dry?

If it's because they're worried about drunkenness, yeah, I can see how announcing that would be offensive. But how would anyone know what the reason is if the hosts don't volunteer that information? Is it even polite to ask why there isn't any alcohol?

No snark or criticism intended, just curious.

No- no one actually states why or why not.

I think the point other posters were trying to make, is that at their family and friend functions (birthday, shower, communion, graduation, etc, etc), alcohol is always served. Thus if someone from their same friend/family group got married and did not serve alcohol, it would be odd. Similarly, if the hosts were looking to save money, alcohol is not an area they'd cut, it would be the flowers, favours, transportation, a cheaper dress.

But you are right- a host doesn't need to offer alcohol and doesn't need to explain why.

flantastic · February 2017

Jen4948 said:

Fair enough.

But do most hosts of dry weddings voluntarily indicate the reason there isn't any booze or even announce before the wedding that it's dry?

If it's because they're worried about drunkenness, yeah, I can see how announcing that would be offensive. But how would anyone know what the reason is if the hosts don't volunteer that information? Is it even polite to ask why there isn't any alcohol?

No snark or criticism intended, just curious.

No one publicly announces it to their entire guest list, but people do ask and word spreads. Aunts and uncles ask parents. Friends ask other friends who are in the WP. People come here all the time with parents who have opinions (whether or not they're paying) about the alcohol provided. I assume those parents asked about it and were told. Said parents might tell others.

banana468 · February 2017

Jen4948 said:

Fair enough.

But do most hosts of dry weddings voluntarily indicate the reason there isn't any booze or even announce before the wedding that it's dry?

If it's because they're worried about drunkenness, yeah, I can see how announcing that would be offensive. But how would anyone know what the reason is if the hosts don't volunteer that information? Is it even polite to ask why there isn't any alcohol?

No snark or criticism intended, just curious.

I don't think I've ever heard a reason volunteered why.

But then again, of all the weddings I've attended with etiquette breaches, I've only heard one reason for the breach stated over a year later.

charlotte989875 · February 2017

Jen4948 said:

Fair enough.

But do most hosts of dry weddings voluntarily indicate the reason there isn't any booze or even announce before the wedding that it's dry?

If it's because they're worried about drunkenness, yeah, I can see how announcing that would be offensive. But how would anyone know what the reason is if the hosts don't volunteer that information? Is it even polite to ask why there isn't any alcohol?

No snark or criticism intended, just curious.

I've never actually been to a dry wedding (and I've been to a boatload of weddings), that's how uncommon they are in my circle.

But I would assume most people don't announce (and would seriously side eye them if they did) it publicly, but more like @flantastic said where it is spread by word of mouth.

Jen4948 · February 2017

SP29 said:

Jen4948 said:

Fair enough.

But do most hosts of dry weddings voluntarily indicate the reason there isn't any booze or even announce before the wedding that it's dry?

If it's because they're worried about drunkenness, yeah, I can see how announcing that would be offensive. But how would anyone know what the reason is if the hosts don't volunteer that information? Is it even polite to ask why there isn't any alcohol?

No snark or criticism intended, just curious.

No- no one actually states why or why not.

I think the point other posters were trying to make, is that at their family and friend functions (birthday, shower, communion, graduation, etc, etc), alcohol is always served. Thus if someone from their same friend/family group got married and did not serve alcohol, it would be odd. Similarly, if the hosts were looking to save money, alcohol is not an area they'd cut, it would be the flowers, favours, transportation, a cheaper dress.

But you are right- a host doesn't need to offer alcohol and doesn't need to explain why.

Individually, yes, that's what they might do.

But I don't know. If hosts really don't want to serve alcohol, they might not cut the other things out of their budget.

STARMOON44 · February 2017

I have always known why a wedding was dry and it's never been because I asked.

levioosa · February 2017

Whenever I've been to a dry wedding, it has been for a couple who is pretty religious, so I don't have to guess why--it's pretty obvious. Some of those I've heard word of mouth, and some I didn't know about until I showed up. Either way, no biggie.

I'm going to a wedding this summer that I fully expect to be a dry wedding, or a cash bar, and not for any other reason other than "we don't need to let people get drunk on our dime, if they want it, they can pay for it!" It's just one of many charming things I'm looking forward to.

charlotte989875 · February 2017

Jen4948 said:

SP29 said:

Jen4948 said:

Fair enough.

But do most hosts of dry weddings voluntarily indicate the reason there isn't any booze or even announce before the wedding that it's dry?

If it's because they're worried about drunkenness, yeah, I can see how announcing that would be offensive. But how would anyone know what the reason is if the hosts don't volunteer that information? Is it even polite to ask why there isn't any alcohol?

No snark or criticism intended, just curious.

No- no one actually states why or why not.

I think the point other posters were trying to make, is that at their family and friend functions (birthday, shower, communion, graduation, etc, etc), alcohol is always served. Thus if someone from their same friend/family group got married and did not serve alcohol, it would be odd. Similarly, if the hosts were looking to save money, alcohol is not an area they'd cut, it would be the flowers, favours, transportation, a cheaper dress.

But you are right- a host doesn't need to offer alcohol and doesn't need to explain why.

Individually, yes, that's what they might do.

But I don't know. If hosts really don't want to serve alcohol, they might not cut the other things out of their budget.

Oy with the Poodles Already!

What many of us are trying to say is that in some circles (not all), cutting alcohol is not an option and yes the other things are what gets cut not the alcohol.

I guess I don't get why you're having such a hard time with a few of us saying how things are done in our circles/family/cultures.

Jen4948 · February 2017

I'm not having a hard time with it. The questions are hypothetical, not critical.

In these two situations, what would everyone do?

1) you were invited to a wedding of someone outside your normal culture who does not serve booze
2) someone in your circle chooses not to serve booze for unexplained reasons

I presume you would say nothing to them and suck it up, because that's really the only polite option -- even if a dry wedding is "weird" for you and/or your circle.

I have to admit that sending someone who's supposed to be a friend but doesn't provide alcohol or cut the other things out of their budget the message "Having booze at your wedding because it's a wedding matters more to me than the honor of being there for you when you get married and I don't feel thanked by your lack of alcohol even though you put together an otherwise-beautiful wedding and all my other needs were wonderfully provided for" comes off as entitled, unfriendly and ungracious.

lyndausvi · February 2017

Jen4948 said:

I'm not having a hard time with it. The questions are hypothetical, not critical.

In these two situations, what would everyone do?

1) you were invited to a wedding of someone outside your normal culture who does not serve booze. Briefly attend the event.
2) someone in your circle chooses not to serve booze for unexplained reasons It's honestly never happened. I'm pretty sure I would again, briefly attend the event.

note - We both work weekends, so we might just use work as excuse not to attend either event. It really depends who they are and what was going on.

Missing a day's pay (for me) for a wedding of someone outside our normal social group and it being a dry wedding is not really an event I'm going to go out of my way to attend. If it was OOT, it would be an easy decline. I would never tell them that dry wedding was the tipping point. Just politely decline, use work as an excuse and send them a gift.

I presume you would say nothing to them and suck it up, because that's really the only polite option -- even if a dry wedding is "weird" for you and/or your circle.

I have to admit that sending someone who's supposed to be a friend but doesn't provide alcohol or cut the other things out of their budget the message "Having booze at your wedding because it's a wedding matters more to me than the honor of being there for you when you get married and I don't feel thanked by your lack of alcohol even though you put together an otherwise-beautiful wedding and all my other needs were wonderfully provided for" comes off as entitled, unfriendly and ungracious.

see bold.

STARMOON44 · February 2017

Jen4948 said:

I'm not having a hard time with it. The questions are hypothetical, not critical.

In these two situations, what would everyone do?

1) you were invited to a wedding of someone outside your normal culture who does not serve booze
2) someone in your circle chooses not to serve booze for unexplained reasons

I presume you would say nothing to them and suck it up, because that's really the only polite option -- even if a dry wedding is "weird" for you and/or your circle.

I have to admit that sending someone who's supposed to be a friend but doesn't provide alcohol or cut the other things out of their budget the message "Having booze at your wedding because it's a wedding matters more to me than the honor of being there for you when you get married and I don't feel thanked by your lack of alcohol even though you put together an otherwise-beautiful wedding and all my other needs were wonderfully provided for" comes off as entitled, unfriendly and ungracious.

Of course I would be polite! I just wouldn't like it. Is that really so hard to understand?

Jen4948 · February 2017

STARMOON44 said:

Jen4948 said:

I'm not having a hard time with it. The questions are hypothetical, not critical.

In these two situations, what would everyone do?

1) you were invited to a wedding of someone outside your normal culture who does not serve booze
2) someone in your circle chooses not to serve booze for unexplained reasons

I presume you would say nothing to them and suck it up, because that's really the only polite option -- even if a dry wedding is "weird" for you and/or your circle.

I have to admit that sending someone who's supposed to be a friend but doesn't provide alcohol or cut the other things out of their budget the message "Having booze at your wedding because it's a wedding matters more to me than the honor of being there for you when you get married and I don't feel thanked by your lack of alcohol even though you put together an otherwise-beautiful wedding and all my other needs were wonderfully provided for" comes off as entitled, unfriendly and ungracious.

Of course I would be polite! I just wouldn't like it. Is that really so hard to understand?

You don't have to like it, but it's hard for me to understand why booze matters so much that the presence or absence of it makes the difference between whether or not a wedding of someone who is close enough to you to invite you is enjoyable.

What's really hard to understand is your need to be snarky.

STARMOON44 · February 2017

Jen4948 said:

STARMOON44 said:

Jen4948 said:

I'm not having a hard time with it. The questions are hypothetical, not critical.

In these two situations, what would everyone do?

1) you were invited to a wedding of someone outside your normal culture who does not serve booze
2) someone in your circle chooses not to serve booze for unexplained reasons

I presume you would say nothing to them and suck it up, because that's really the only polite option -- even if a dry wedding is "weird" for you and/or your circle.

I have to admit that sending someone who's supposed to be a friend but doesn't provide alcohol or cut the other things out of their budget the message "Having booze at your wedding because it's a wedding matters more to me than the honor of being there for you when you get married and I don't feel thanked by your lack of alcohol even though you put together an otherwise-beautiful wedding and all my other needs were wonderfully provided for" comes off as entitled, unfriendly and ungracious.

Of course I would be polite! I just wouldn't like it. Is that really so hard to understand?

You don't have to like it, but it's hard for me to understand why booze matters so much that the presence or absence of it makes the difference between whether or not a wedding of someone who is close enough to you to invite you is enjoyable.

What's really hard to understand is your need to be snarky.

Pot kettle.

All kinds of things make a wedding, or any other social occasion, more or less enjoyable for me. Alcohol is in the plus column.

OurWildKingdom · February 2017

Have a milkshake and a cupcake, people!

STARMOON44 · February 2017

OurWildKingdom said:

Have a milkshake and a cupcake, people!

Only if those are boozy milkshakes.

banana468 · February 2017

Jen4948 said:

I'm not having a hard time with it. The questions are hypothetical, not critical.

In these two situations, what would everyone do?

1) you were invited to a wedding of someone outside your normal culture who does not serve booze
2) someone in your circle chooses not to serve booze for unexplained reasons

I presume you would say nothing to them and suck it up, because that's really the only polite option -- even if a dry wedding is "weird" for you and/or your circle.

I have to admit that sending someone who's supposed to be a friend but doesn't provide alcohol or cut the other things out of their budget the message "Having booze at your wedding because it's a wedding matters more to me than the honor of being there for you when you get married and I don't feel thanked by your lack of alcohol even though you put together an otherwise-beautiful wedding and all my other needs were wonderfully provided for" comes off as entitled, unfriendly and ungracious.

1) It really depends on how close I am to the person that would dictate whether or not I'd attend. If this is a situation where the person's faith says that they don't drink and I'm close to the couple (or DH is) then we'd probably go.

2) This has not happened at any wedding I've attended of someone in my circle. The only dry event I can recall attending in my adult life was a birthday party for someone who was fighting extremely hard to overcome a battle with substance abuse. All alcohol was removed from the home (this is like saying that they got rid of soap in the house. A selection in their home was expected.) and the party was quite clearly quieter. It wasn't bad but it was more subdued and ended early. I didn't *miss* the booze but I also felt that the excitement level was lower.

Your statement @Jen4948 comes off as sanctimonious. I'm not going to ask how you'd feel if you weren't offered cake or food upon arrival or even a beverage that wasn't water. None of those matter as long as your ultimate needs are met.

But I can tell you that in my circle and in my home alcohol isn't an afterthought. I don't know how else to get that across to you. Serving alcohol with the meal is part of the meal plating. I wouldn't have my father and mother over for a hamburger and not have beer and wine in the house. We toast. We raise our glasses of ALCOHOL to celebrate the event. It's part of what we do and we opt for a different type of event in our budget to make it. If anyone in our circle opted for the standard type wedding in a venue with a plated meal, DJ, dancing, cake cutting, and toasts and cocktail hour WITHOUT THE COCKTAILS, it would be very conspicuous and people would talk. If that makes us horrible people then enjoy standing there alone on your soapbox.

charlotte989875 · February 2017

banana468 said:

Jen4948 said:

I'm not having a hard time with it. The questions are hypothetical, not critical.

In these two situations, what would everyone do?

1) you were invited to a wedding of someone outside your normal culture who does not serve booze
2) someone in your circle chooses not to serve booze for unexplained reasons

I presume you would say nothing to them and suck it up, because that's really the only polite option -- even if a dry wedding is "weird" for you and/or your circle.

I have to admit that sending someone who's supposed to be a friend but doesn't provide alcohol or cut the other things out of their budget the message "Having booze at your wedding because it's a wedding matters more to me than the honor of being there for you when you get married and I don't feel thanked by your lack of alcohol even though you put together an otherwise-beautiful wedding and all my other needs were wonderfully provided for" comes off as entitled, unfriendly and ungracious.

1) It really depends on how close I am to the person that would dictate whether or not I'd attend. If this is a situation where the person's faith says that they don't drink and I'm close to the couple (or DH is) then we'd probably go.

2) This has not happened at any wedding I've attended of someone in my circle. The only dry event I can recall attending in my adult life was a birthday party for someone who was fighting extremely hard to overcome a battle with substance abuse. All alcohol was removed from the home (this is like saying that they got rid of soap in the house. A selection in their home was expected.) and the party was quite clearly quieter. It wasn't bad but it was more subdued and ended early. I didn't *miss* the booze but I also felt that the excitement level was lower.

Your statement @Jen4948 comes off as sanctimonious. I'm not going to ask how you'd feel if you weren't offered cake or food upon arrival or even a beverage that wasn't water. None of those matter as long as your ultimate needs are met.

But I can tell you that in my circle and in my home alcohol isn't an afterthought. I don't know how else to get that across to you. Serving alcohol with the meal is part of the meal plating. I wouldn't have my father and mother over for a hamburger and not have beer and wine in the house. We toast. We raise our glasses of ALCOHOL to celebrate the event. It's part of what we do and we opt for a different type of event in our budget to make it. If anyone in our circle opted for the standard type wedding in a venue with a plated meal, DJ, dancing, cake cutting, and toasts and cocktail hour WITHOUT THE COCKTAILS, it would be very conspicuous and people would talk. If that makes us horrible people then enjoy standing there alone on your soapbox.

I could have written this exact post. No one in my circle (my family, H's family, our friends) has ever had a dry wedding. It just doesn't happen. You keep asking us "well what if it did" and we keep saying "it just doesn't".

If I was invited to a dry wedding outside of my circle, if it logistically worked for us, of course we would go. There is nothing wrong with dry weddings, especially if we're talking about cultures or religions that don't imbibe. I would never be so presumptuous to think my preferences should be honored above that of the couple or the majority of their guests.

But again, this would never happen in my family. Ever.

Subwayloves · February 2017

I've went to a total of 1 dry wedding, and I'll be the one to say it was definitely not the same as a "normal" (in my circle) wedding for me. It was someone in my circle who I know drinks (have drank with many times), but chose to have a dry wedding, I think for budgeting purposes. However, she also reserved a room in a bar after, and wanted everyone to come out to this after (as a cash bar, the couple was not hosting this).

I kind of felt along the lines that she wanted to have her cake and eat it too (saving money and also have the "party"/drinking atmosphere). I went to the wedding, had a fine time, but I did not go to the bar afterwards, as I did not feel like spending more on what was basically part of her wedding after buying a shower and wedding gift.

Was she rude? No, definitely wouldn't say that. Did I enjoy this wedding as much as other weddings I've been to (that had an open bar)? Nope.

lyndausvi · February 2017

charlotte989875 said:

banana468 said:

Jen4948 said:

I'm not having a hard time with it. The questions are hypothetical, not critical.

In these two situations, what would everyone do?

1) you were invited to a wedding of someone outside your normal culture who does not serve booze
2) someone in your circle chooses not to serve booze for unexplained reasons

I presume you would say nothing to them and suck it up, because that's really the only polite option -- even if a dry wedding is "weird" for you and/or your circle.

I have to admit that sending someone who's supposed to be a friend but doesn't provide alcohol or cut the other things out of their budget the message "Having booze at your wedding because it's a wedding matters more to me than the honor of being there for you when you get married and I don't feel thanked by your lack of alcohol even though you put together an otherwise-beautiful wedding and all my other needs were wonderfully provided for" comes off as entitled, unfriendly and ungracious.

1) It really depends on how close I am to the person that would dictate whether or not I'd attend. If this is a situation where the person's faith says that they don't drink and I'm close to the couple (or DH is) then we'd probably go.

2) This has not happened at any wedding I've attended of someone in my circle. The only dry event I can recall attending in my adult life was a birthday party for someone who was fighting extremely hard to overcome a battle with substance abuse. All alcohol was removed from the home (this is like saying that they got rid of soap in the house. A selection in their home was expected.) and the party was quite clearly quieter. It wasn't bad but it was more subdued and ended early. I didn't *miss* the booze but I also felt that the excitement level was lower.

Your statement @Jen4948 comes off as sanctimonious. I'm not going to ask how you'd feel if you weren't offered cake or food upon arrival or even a beverage that wasn't water. None of those matter as long as your ultimate needs are met.

But I can tell you that in my circle and in my home alcohol isn't an afterthought. I don't know how else to get that across to you. Serving alcohol with the meal is part of the meal plating. I wouldn't have my father and mother over for a hamburger and not have beer and wine in the house. We toast. We raise our glasses of ALCOHOL to celebrate the event. It's part of what we do and we opt for a different type of event in our budget to make it. If anyone in our circle opted for the standard type wedding in a venue with a plated meal, DJ, dancing, cake cutting, and toasts and cocktail hour WITHOUT THE COCKTAILS, it would be very conspicuous and people would talk. If that makes us horrible people then enjoy standing there alone on your soapbox.

I could have written this exact post. No one in my circle (my family, H's family, our friends) has ever had a dry wedding. It just doesn't happen. You keep asking us "well what if it did" and we keep saying "it just doesn't".

If I was invited to a dry wedding outside of my circle, if it logistically worked for us, of course we would go. There is nothing wrong with dry weddings, especially if we're talking about cultures or religions that don't imbibe. I would never be so presumptuous to think my preferences should be honored above that of the couple or the majority of their guests.

But again, this would never happen in my family. Ever.

Add me to the list.

I come from a family that has kegerators in their homes (this was back in the 70's-80's). My grandparents keeps cases of beer, bottles of gin and whiskey under their beds for when "company" came over. They were on a low-fixed income, but being a good host was important to them. That including offering a guest a drink. My cousins and I would gift them cases of beer and liquor so they could still host "properly" (in their minds). If we stopped by on a random Sunday, they would whip out the table cloth, ask one of us grandkids to grab a beer for the adults out of the refrigerator and of course, throw in some warm ones from under the bed to chill down.

Grandma also keep a stock of chocolate pudding and chocolate cookies around. More than likely there was kielbasa, cheese/crackers and if we were lucky crab cakes around too. Every guest who walked into their home was offered a drink and a snack. Always.

My grandmother died on a Thursday. Her funeral wasn't until Monday. Not once, but twice I had to go to the liquor store for another keg (for my aunt) during those 4 days. A good 70+ people stopped by my aunt's house during those 4 days. Everyone was offered a drink. To be fair, I was sent because my car wasn't blocked by other cars

My great-aunt (g-ma's sister) was single her whole life, no kids. She had a special fund for when she died. It was to pay for her reception for after the funeral, which included food and an open bar. For the record, I've never attended a family funeral that DIDN'T have an open bar for the reception after the funeral. Of course, there was no dancing and such. We just celebrate life and with that, people will have a cocktail or 2.

Kid parties, graduations, Sunday dinner at grandma's, holidays and just a drop in, always included an offer of a cocktail. Having a alcohol around in the house is a constant in our house. We do not drink daily, but there is always some around just in case someone comes over. It's not an 'extra'. It's not an afterthought. It's not something we would ever consider cutting. A dry wedding would never happen in my group.

I'm not saying that everyone social group needs to be like ours. Just saying this is MY (and DH's) way of hosting. We not only grew up like this, we continue the tradition. Sorry if that is just too hard for you to understand.

Like others have said, I know others host differently. Especially if there are some cultural and/or religious restrictions. I respect their choices. NBD.

banana468 · February 2017

lyndausvi said:

charlotte989875 said:

banana468 said:

Jen4948 said:

I'm not having a hard time with it. The questions are hypothetical, not critical.

In these two situations, what would everyone do?

1) you were invited to a wedding of someone outside your normal culture who does not serve booze
2) someone in your circle chooses not to serve booze for unexplained reasons

I presume you would say nothing to them and suck it up, because that's really the only polite option -- even if a dry wedding is "weird" for you and/or your circle.

I have to admit that sending someone who's supposed to be a friend but doesn't provide alcohol or cut the other things out of their budget the message "Having booze at your wedding because it's a wedding matters more to me than the honor of being there for you when you get married and I don't feel thanked by your lack of alcohol even though you put together an otherwise-beautiful wedding and all my other needs were wonderfully provided for" comes off as entitled, unfriendly and ungracious.

1) It really depends on how close I am to the person that would dictate whether or not I'd attend. If this is a situation where the person's faith says that they don't drink and I'm close to the couple (or DH is) then we'd probably go.

2) This has not happened at any wedding I've attended of someone in my circle. The only dry event I can recall attending in my adult life was a birthday party for someone who was fighting extremely hard to overcome a battle with substance abuse. All alcohol was removed from the home (this is like saying that they got rid of soap in the house. A selection in their home was expected.) and the party was quite clearly quieter. It wasn't bad but it was more subdued and ended early. I didn't *miss* the booze but I also felt that the excitement level was lower.

Your statement @Jen4948 comes off as sanctimonious. I'm not going to ask how you'd feel if you weren't offered cake or food upon arrival or even a beverage that wasn't water. None of those matter as long as your ultimate needs are met.

But I can tell you that in my circle and in my home alcohol isn't an afterthought. I don't know how else to get that across to you. Serving alcohol with the meal is part of the meal plating. I wouldn't have my father and mother over for a hamburger and not have beer and wine in the house. We toast. We raise our glasses of ALCOHOL to celebrate the event. It's part of what we do and we opt for a different type of event in our budget to make it. If anyone in our circle opted for the standard type wedding in a venue with a plated meal, DJ, dancing, cake cutting, and toasts and cocktail hour WITHOUT THE COCKTAILS, it would be very conspicuous and people would talk. If that makes us horrible people then enjoy standing there alone on your soapbox.

I could have written this exact post. No one in my circle (my family, H's family, our friends) has ever had a dry wedding. It just doesn't happen. You keep asking us "well what if it did" and we keep saying "it just doesn't".

If I was invited to a dry wedding outside of my circle, if it logistically worked for us, of course we would go. There is nothing wrong with dry weddings, especially if we're talking about cultures or religions that don't imbibe. I would never be so presumptuous to think my preferences should be honored above that of the couple or the majority of their guests.

But again, this would never happen in my family. Ever.

Add me to the list.

I come from a family that has kegerators in their homes (this was back in the 70's-80's). My grandparents keeps cases of beer, bottles of gin and whiskey under their beds for when "company" came over. They were on a low-fixed income, but being a good host was important to them. That including offering a guest a drink. My cousins and I would gift them cases of beer and liquor so they could still host "properly" (in their minds). If we stopped by on a random Sunday, they would whip out the table cloth, ask one of us grandkids to grab a beer for the adults out of the refrigerator and of course, throw in some warm ones from under the bed to chill down.

Grandma also keep a stock of chocolate pudding and chocolate cookies around. More than likely there was kielbasa, cheese/crackers and if we were lucky crab cakes around too. Every guest who walked into their home was offered a drink and a snack. Always.

My grandmother died on a Thursday. Her funeral wasn't until Monday. Not once, but twice I had to go to the liquor store for another keg (for my aunt) during those 4 days. A good 70+ people stopped by my aunt's house during those 4 days. Everyone was offered a drink. To be fair, I was sent because my car wasn't blocked by other cars

My great-aunt (g-ma's sister) was single her whole life, no kids. She had a special fund for when she died. It was to pay for her reception for after the funeral, which included food and an open bar. For the record, I've never attended a family funeral that DIDN'T have an open bar for the reception after the funeral. Of course, there was no dancing and such. We just celebrate life and with that, people will have a cocktail or 2.

Kid parties, graduations, Sunday dinner at grandma's, holidays and just a drop in, always included an offer of a cocktail. Having a alcohol around in the house is a constant in our house. We do not drink daily, but there is always some around just in case someone comes over. It's not an 'extra'. It's not an afterthought. It's not something we would ever consider cutting. A dry wedding would never happen in my group.

I'm not saying that everyone social group needs to be like ours. Just saying this is MY (and DH's) way of hosting. We not only grew up like this, we continue the tradition. Sorry if that is just too hard for you to understand.

Like others have said, I know others host differently. Especially if there are some cultural and/or religious restrictions. I respect their choices. NBD.

I didn't even think about funerals (and as the joke says, there isn't a huge difference between a wedding and a funeral in an Irish family...)!

When my grandmother died 18 mo ago we had a catered lunch in a hall with an open bar.

When my cousin died last year I went to my aunt and uncle's house the next day. Before I left my home I found a packie open on a Sunday and picked up beer, wine and Fireball. Without talking to my father, he did the same thing. The house was a revolving door until the funeral which (you guessed it) had an open bar.

lyndausvi · February 2017

banana468 said:

lyndausvi said:

charlotte989875 said:

banana468 said:

Jen4948 said:

I'm not having a hard time with it. The questions are hypothetical, not critical.

In these two situations, what would everyone do?

1) you were invited to a wedding of someone outside your normal culture who does not serve booze
2) someone in your circle chooses not to serve booze for unexplained reasons

I presume you would say nothing to them and suck it up, because that's really the only polite option -- even if a dry wedding is "weird" for you and/or your circle.

I have to admit that sending someone who's supposed to be a friend but doesn't provide alcohol or cut the other things out of their budget the message "Having booze at your wedding because it's a wedding matters more to me than the honor of being there for you when you get married and I don't feel thanked by your lack of alcohol even though you put together an otherwise-beautiful wedding and all my other needs were wonderfully provided for" comes off as entitled, unfriendly and ungracious.

1) It really depends on how close I am to the person that would dictate whether or not I'd attend. If this is a situation where the person's faith says that they don't drink and I'm close to the couple (or DH is) then we'd probably go.

2) This has not happened at any wedding I've attended of someone in my circle. The only dry event I can recall attending in my adult life was a birthday party for someone who was fighting extremely hard to overcome a battle with substance abuse. All alcohol was removed from the home (this is like saying that they got rid of soap in the house. A selection in their home was expected.) and the party was quite clearly quieter. It wasn't bad but it was more subdued and ended early. I didn't *miss* the booze but I also felt that the excitement level was lower.

Your statement @Jen4948 comes off as sanctimonious. I'm not going to ask how you'd feel if you weren't offered cake or food upon arrival or even a beverage that wasn't water. None of those matter as long as your ultimate needs are met.

But I can tell you that in my circle and in my home alcohol isn't an afterthought. I don't know how else to get that across to you. Serving alcohol with the meal is part of the meal plating. I wouldn't have my father and mother over for a hamburger and not have beer and wine in the house. We toast. We raise our glasses of ALCOHOL to celebrate the event. It's part of what we do and we opt for a different type of event in our budget to make it. If anyone in our circle opted for the standard type wedding in a venue with a plated meal, DJ, dancing, cake cutting, and toasts and cocktail hour WITHOUT THE COCKTAILS, it would be very conspicuous and people would talk. If that makes us horrible people then enjoy standing there alone on your soapbox.

I could have written this exact post. No one in my circle (my family, H's family, our friends) has ever had a dry wedding. It just doesn't happen. You keep asking us "well what if it did" and we keep saying "it just doesn't".

If I was invited to a dry wedding outside of my circle, if it logistically worked for us, of course we would go. There is nothing wrong with dry weddings, especially if we're talking about cultures or religions that don't imbibe. I would never be so presumptuous to think my preferences should be honored above that of the couple or the majority of their guests.

But again, this would never happen in my family. Ever.

Add me to the list.

I come from a family that has kegerators in their homes (this was back in the 70's-80's). My grandparents keeps cases of beer, bottles of gin and whiskey under their beds for when "company" came over. They were on a low-fixed income, but being a good host was important to them. That including offering a guest a drink. My cousins and I would gift them cases of beer and liquor so they could still host "properly" (in their minds). If we stopped by on a random Sunday, they would whip out the table cloth, ask one of us grandkids to grab a beer for the adults out of the refrigerator and of course, throw in some warm ones from under the bed to chill down.

Grandma also keep a stock of chocolate pudding and chocolate cookies around. More than likely there was kielbasa, cheese/crackers and if we were lucky crab cakes around too. Every guest who walked into their home was offered a drink and a snack. Always.

My grandmother died on a Thursday. Her funeral wasn't until Monday. Not once, but twice I had to go to the liquor store for another keg (for my aunt) during those 4 days. A good 70+ people stopped by my aunt's house during those 4 days. Everyone was offered a drink. To be fair, I was sent because my car wasn't blocked by other cars

My great-aunt (g-ma's sister) was single her whole life, no kids. She had a special fund for when she died. It was to pay for her reception for after the funeral, which included food and an open bar. For the record, I've never attended a family funeral that DIDN'T have an open bar for the reception after the funeral. Of course, there was no dancing and such. We just celebrate life and with that, people will have a cocktail or 2.

Kid parties, graduations, Sunday dinner at grandma's, holidays and just a drop in, always included an offer of a cocktail. Having a alcohol around in the house is a constant in our house. We do not drink daily, but there is always some around just in case someone comes over. It's not an 'extra'. It's not an afterthought. It's not something we would ever consider cutting. A dry wedding would never happen in my group.

I'm not saying that everyone social group needs to be like ours. Just saying this is MY (and DH's) way of hosting. We not only grew up like this, we continue the tradition. Sorry if that is just too hard for you to understand.

Like others have said, I know others host differently. Especially if there are some cultural and/or religious restrictions. I respect their choices. NBD.

I didn't even think about funerals (and as the joke says, there isn't a huge difference between a wedding and a funeral in an Irish family...)!

When my grandmother died 18 mo ago we had a catered lunch in a hall with an open bar.

When my cousin died last year I went to my aunt and uncle's house the next day. Before I left my home I found a packie open on a Sunday and picked up beer, wine and Fireball. Without talking to my father, he did the same thing. The house was a revolving door until the funeral which (you guessed it) had an open bar.

yep. When you grow up with open bars (some full, some just limited) for funerals, why would you have a dry wedding? It just doesn't happen in our social group.

***** if the deceased is young it's a very somber event. Older people, it's a celebration of life. Basically you walk in and cry, then it quickly switches laughing while people tell funny/good time stories of the deceased.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2017

banana468 said:

But I can tell you that in my circle and in my home alcohol isn't an afterthought. I don't know how else to get that across to you. Serving alcohol with the meal is part of the meal plating. I wouldn't have my father and mother over for a hamburger and not have beer and wine in the house. We toast. We raise our glasses of ALCOHOL to celebrate the event. It's part of what we do and we opt for a different type of event in our budget to make it. If anyone in our circle opted for the standard type wedding in a venue with a plated meal, DJ, dancing, cake cutting, and toasts and cocktail hour WITHOUT THE COCKTAILS, it would be very conspicuous and people would talk. If that makes us horrible people then enjoy standing there alone on your soapbox.

All of this.

I come from an Italian/Eastern European family and married into an Irish one. . . drinking with meals and socially is just what we do.

I have only been to 2 dry weddings out of the 30+ weddings I've attended in the last 10 years. Both were for religious reasons, both were OOT, and in both cases there were hosted lunches- with alcohol served- prior to the ceremony, and after parties with alcohol served.

DH's sister wanted a dry wedding but her dad was paying and said absolutely not.

MobKaz · February 2017

banana468 said:

lyndausvi said:

charlotte989875 said:

banana468 said:

Jen4948 said:

I'm not having a hard time with it. The questions are hypothetical, not critical.

In these two situations, what would everyone do?

1) you were invited to a wedding of someone outside your normal culture who does not serve booze
2) someone in your circle chooses not to serve booze for unexplained reasons

I presume you would say nothing to them and suck it up, because that's really the only polite option -- even if a dry wedding is "weird" for you and/or your circle.

I have to admit that sending someone who's supposed to be a friend but doesn't provide alcohol or cut the other things out of their budget the message "Having booze at your wedding because it's a wedding matters more to me than the honor of being there for you when you get married and I don't feel thanked by your lack of alcohol even though you put together an otherwise-beautiful wedding and all my other needs were wonderfully provided for" comes off as entitled, unfriendly and ungracious.

1) It really depends on how close I am to the person that would dictate whether or not I'd attend. If this is a situation where the person's faith says that they don't drink and I'm close to the couple (or DH is) then we'd probably go.

2) This has not happened at any wedding I've attended of someone in my circle. The only dry event I can recall attending in my adult life was a birthday party for someone who was fighting extremely hard to overcome a battle with substance abuse. All alcohol was removed from the home (this is like saying that they got rid of soap in the house. A selection in their home was expected.) and the party was quite clearly quieter. It wasn't bad but it was more subdued and ended early. I didn't *miss* the booze but I also felt that the excitement level was lower.

Your statement @Jen4948 comes off as sanctimonious. I'm not going to ask how you'd feel if you weren't offered cake or food upon arrival or even a beverage that wasn't water. None of those matter as long as your ultimate needs are met.

But I can tell you that in my circle and in my home alcohol isn't an afterthought. I don't know how else to get that across to you. Serving alcohol with the meal is part of the meal plating. I wouldn't have my father and mother over for a hamburger and not have beer and wine in the house. We toast. We raise our glasses of ALCOHOL to celebrate the event. It's part of what we do and we opt for a different type of event in our budget to make it. If anyone in our circle opted for the standard type wedding in a venue with a plated meal, DJ, dancing, cake cutting, and toasts and cocktail hour WITHOUT THE COCKTAILS, it would be very conspicuous and people would talk. If that makes us horrible people then enjoy standing there alone on your soapbox.

I could have written this exact post. No one in my circle (my family, H's family, our friends) has ever had a dry wedding. It just doesn't happen. You keep asking us "well what if it did" and we keep saying "it just doesn't".

If I was invited to a dry wedding outside of my circle, if it logistically worked for us, of course we would go. There is nothing wrong with dry weddings, especially if we're talking about cultures or religions that don't imbibe. I would never be so presumptuous to think my preferences should be honored above that of the couple or the majority of their guests.

But again, this would never happen in my family. Ever.

Add me to the list.

I come from a family that has kegerators in their homes (this was back in the 70's-80's). My grandparents keeps cases of beer, bottles of gin and whiskey under their beds for when "company" came over. They were on a low-fixed income, but being a good host was important to them. That including offering a guest a drink. My cousins and I would gift them cases of beer and liquor so they could still host "properly" (in their minds). If we stopped by on a random Sunday, they would whip out the table cloth, ask one of us grandkids to grab a beer for the adults out of the refrigerator and of course, throw in some warm ones from under the bed to chill down.

Grandma also keep a stock of chocolate pudding and chocolate cookies around. More than likely there was kielbasa, cheese/crackers and if we were lucky crab cakes around too. Every guest who walked into their home was offered a drink and a snack. Always.

My grandmother died on a Thursday. Her funeral wasn't until Monday. Not once, but twice I had to go to the liquor store for another keg (for my aunt) during those 4 days. A good 70+ people stopped by my aunt's house during those 4 days. Everyone was offered a drink. To be fair, I was sent because my car wasn't blocked by other cars

My great-aunt (g-ma's sister) was single her whole life, no kids. She had a special fund for when she died. It was to pay for her reception for after the funeral, which included food and an open bar. For the record, I've never attended a family funeral that DIDN'T have an open bar for the reception after the funeral. Of course, there was no dancing and such. We just celebrate life and with that, people will have a cocktail or 2.

Kid parties, graduations, Sunday dinner at grandma's, holidays and just a drop in, always included an offer of a cocktail. Having a alcohol around in the house is a constant in our house. We do not drink daily, but there is always some around just in case someone comes over. It's not an 'extra'. It's not an afterthought. It's not something we would ever consider cutting. A dry wedding would never happen in my group.

I'm not saying that everyone social group needs to be like ours. Just saying this is MY (and DH's) way of hosting. We not only grew up like this, we continue the tradition. Sorry if that is just too hard for you to understand.

Like others have said, I know others host differently. Especially if there are some cultural and/or religious restrictions. I respect their choices. NBD.

I didn't even think about funerals (and as the joke says, there isn't a huge difference between a wedding and a funeral in an Irish family...)!

When my grandmother died 18 mo ago we had a catered lunch in a hall with an open bar.

When my cousin died last year I went to my aunt and uncle's house the next day. Before I left my home I found a packie open on a Sunday and picked up beer, wine and Fireball. Without talking to my father, he did the same thing. The house was a revolving door until the funeral which (you guessed it) had an open bar.

Right or wrong, our alcohol bill is always larger than our floral bill. Two things, jaeger and bourbon slush, can always be found in my freezer. The former is medicinal, the latter in case unexpected company arrives. In our family, you never want to be caught "without".

lyndausvi · February 2017

MobKaz said:

Right or wrong, our alcohol bill is always larger than our floral bill. Two things, jaeger and bourbon slush, can always be found in my freezer. The former is medicinal, the latter in case unexpected company arrives. In our family, you never want to be caught "without".

yep!! It would be the talk of the family. Ha.

JeeGooDowster · February 2017

In my general circle (family/friends), alcohol is part of the menu. So most guests would find it weird if it was a dry wedding. I would probably talk about it with my husband...on the car ride home and that's it. I wouldn't even inquire about it to anybody else because the Bride and Groom have their reasons...it's nobody's business! If i had a great meal and great dessert, and had all the water/soda i could drink - I am already a happy camper.

I admit though...if I found out that the bride and groom did it because they "didn't want anyone getting drunk on their dime," i would think that sentiment is kinda off-putting. If they did it to "cut costs"...even though it's pretty much the same thing as the first comment, i would think it just sounds better and less bitchy haha...Yes, it doesn't matter why they didn't provide alcohol but sometimes bitchy comments like that can be a huge turnoff...

JeeGooDowster · February 2017

oops didn't realize how old this post was!

Are Dry Weddings Unfair to Guests?

Re: Are Dry Weddings Unfair to Guests?

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