Intimate ceremony & cocktail reception

Re: Intimate ceremony & cocktail reception

• lyndausvi mod

  

  February 2017 edited February 2017

  While not a breach of etiquette, I don't see the point.  Especially if your mom is the one pushing the idea.   Just have your intimate wedding or invite everyone to the ceremony and reception.  There are no rules that you need the formalities of introductions, speeches, DJ or first dances.   Cake cutting is a must though.  I mean, who doesn't like cake and even events like graduation and birthday parties have a cake cutting?

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• banana468 member

  

  February 2017

  JKBiller said:

  My fiance and I are planning on getting married on a property we are renting for 4 days. It has 2 houses for overnight guests and a beautiful barn on 10 acres. We are set on having a small, intimate ceremony there with immediate family only and then taking them to an early dinner at a local restaurant afterwards or having it catered on the property. My mom suggested I have, in her words, "A big party" that evening as our reception since I wanted to avoid the formalities (introductions, speeches, dj, formal cake cutting, etc.) We wanted to buy/rent speakers and have a digital playlist playing in the background and have tables, seating, and cocktail tables. There is also a bar built in the barn that we can use. 
  
  My question is would a cocktail like reception be tacky? There would be a few hours in between to clean up the ceremony dinner. We would be able to invite an unlimited amount of guests and provide appetizers, desserts, alcohol and beverages along with music, fire pit and backyard games (cornhole, yardzee, etc.). We've been together for 7 years and have two kids already and feel as if the formalities aren't necessary. We would prefer to have a laid back weekend and celebrate with friends and family along with providing overnight accommodations for out of town guests. 
  
  Invitations- As an invitation designer, I was thinking of sending the cocktail reception invite to everyone and an additional ceremony invitation inserted in the same envelope to the immediate family. 

  On paper you can have a truly intimate ceremony and reception and then have a large party assuming intimate is your nuclear families only.
  
  But I don't love the sound of it.    
  
  Can you do the intimate dinner the night before and then have the casual event without the formalities the next day?  

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• STARMOON44 member

  

  February 2017

  I'd skip the casual event. I just don't think it's nice to invite some people to a lesser event. Have the small event you want! It sounds great!

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• flantastic member

  

  February 2017

  JKBiller said:

  My fiance and I are planning on getting married on a property we are renting for 4 days. It has 2 houses for overnight guests and a beautiful barn on 10 acres. We are set on having a small, intimate ceremony there with immediate family only and then taking them to an early dinner at a local restaurant afterwards or having it catered on the property. My mom suggested I have, in her words, "A big party" that evening as our reception since I wanted to avoid the formalities (introductions, speeches, dj, formal cake cutting, etc.) We wanted to buy/rent speakers and have a digital playlist playing in the background and have tables, seating, and cocktail tables. There is also a bar built in the barn that we can use. 
  
  My question is would a cocktail like reception be tacky? There would be a few hours in between to clean up the ceremony dinner. We would be able to invite an unlimited amount of guests and provide appetizers, desserts, alcohol and beverages along with music, fire pit and backyard games (cornhole, yardzee, etc.). We've been together for 7 years and have two kids already and feel as if the formalities aren't necessary. We would prefer to have a laid back weekend and celebrate with friends and family along with providing overnight accommodations for out of town guests. 
  
  Invitations- As an invitation designer, I was thinking of sending the cocktail reception invite to everyone and an additional ceremony invitation inserted in the same envelope to the immediate family. 

  You know, you don't need to have the formalities even if everyone is invited to everything. You can still have a casual reception. There doesn't need to be introductions, toasts, cake cutting, etc. in any situation.
  
  However, it sounds like you really like the idea of the intimate ceremony itself, so unless I'm wrong about that, you don't need the news that everyone can be invited to your ceremony and still have the reception feel. Technically this plan is within etiquette, as long as your immediate family really means small. If you're getting into having nieces and nephews, grandparents, etc, and the ceremony list is more than about 10% of your party guest list, people will start to get their feelings hurt. People care about the ceremony more than you think, even if they'll be willing to celebrate with you at this property. If anyone has to travel, it gets complicated. Do they bother to make the trip just for the evening party? Where do they stay if they're invited to your houses, but get into town before the portion they're invited to?
  

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• JKBiller member

  

  February 2017

  We've tossed around the idea of doing the ceremony Friday but my maid of honor, mother and 2 family members would not be able to schedule a Friday off. It would be nearly impossible. My other thought is scheduling our photographer for 2 consecutive days, the rental company items, etc. 
  
  I'm torn, I love the idea of doing something small and then celebrating with our friends that evening but the logistics of it are giving me a headache. 

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• flantastic member

  

  February 2017

  JKBiller said:

  We've tossed around the idea of doing the ceremony Friday but my maid of honor, mother and 2 family members would not be able to schedule a Friday off. It would be nearly impossible. My other thought is scheduling our photographer for 2 consecutive days, the rental company items, etc. 
  
  I'm torn, I love the idea of doing something small and then celebrating with our friends that evening but the logistics of it are giving me a headache. 

  Who's your maid of honor? If friends are involved and it's not truly immediate family only, do not have the party. Feelings will be hurt.
  
  I would just scrap the party. You don't need the headache.

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• banana468 member

  

  February 2017

  JKBiller said:

  We've tossed around the idea of doing the ceremony Friday but my maid of honor, mother and 2 family members would not be able to schedule a Friday off. It would be nearly impossible. My other thought is scheduling our photographer for 2 consecutive days, the rental company items, etc. 
  
  I'm torn, I love the idea of doing something small and then celebrating with our friends that evening but the logistics of it are giving me a headache. 

  I think you need to pick one or the other.  
  
  Have a fantastic really intimate event or have a fantastic big casual wedding reception.    I don't think there's a way to do both in the same weekend without hurting feelings. 
  

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• SP29 member

  

  February 2017 edited February 2017

  It is etiquette approved to have a truly intimate ceremony (this means immediate family only) and then larger celebration later, but I'm in the camp of "I don't get it".
  
  If you want an intimate wedding- then have that! Your current plans sound great! But if you want to celebrate with friends and extended family, why not invite them to your wedding in the first place?
  
  You really do not need the "formalities"- those are traditions, not requirements. The only requirements of you/the hosts are that at the ceremony everyone has a chair to sit in and then you thank your guests for witnessing your ceremony with appropriate food and drink for the time of day. How you do that is up to you. You do need to personally thank your guests for coming, but you don't need to have toasts, spotlight dances, a head or sweetheart table, garter or bouquet toss, and while I agree there should be cake, you and your future DH don't need to be the ones to cut it. You can easily have a casual wedding while still including all the guests you'd like as part of the ceremony and reception.
  
  The only aspect that is going to be a big difference for you, is that unless you move your ceremony time to after dinner in order to continue to have this cocktail reception, you will have to provide dinner to all these guests who are now attending your ceremony. But this can still be casual- have a catered BBQ.
  
  With your current plans, it *sounds* like you have invited more than just your immediate family (some friends and extended family?). If this is the case, having a separate party later gets dicey and you are running the risk of some hurt feelings. People do care about the ceremony, and most people understand that you can't invite everyone you'd like to. But if you have 50 guests at your "intimate" wedding and then invite another 50+ to the reception, it can be seen a tiering your guest list. Personally, I would understand if you couldn't invite me to your wedding, but I would be a bit hurt/judgy if you didn't invite me to the ceremony but then invited me to a party later the same night- it would make me feel like I wasn't important enough to attend your actual wedding, but you were hoping to get a gift, or that you prioritized having a party over changing the style of your wedding to something that could accommodate ALL your guests for the ceremony+ reception (i.e. an afternoon wedding with cake and punch reception- I'd rather be invited to something like this so I could see your ceremony than to just a party).
  
  My vote: stick with your current plans, no separate party later.
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  February 2017

  While your plans pass etiquette muster by the letter, I don't think people would want to attend a big party after being excluded from an "intimate" ceremony.
  
  I would either have the intimate ceremony with no big party following it, or invite whomever you want to invite to this big party to the ceremony and follow it with a reception for everyone. 

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• mollybarker11 member

  

  February 2017 edited February 2017

  I don't see a problem with the idea unless your immediate family comprises a significant portion of the overall guest list, as others have mentioned. To me it sounds like the evening celebration would be an after-party of sorts. (The "reception" would be the dinner you provide the wedding guests.)
  
  An alternative would be to have an intimate dinner with your family, then have a wedding ceremony once your expanded guest list arrives, then move right into to an evening cocktail reception. Making it an official wedding reception does not mean you need to have introductions, speeches, formal cake-cutting, or a DJ!
  
  
  Logistically I see issues with inviting an "unlimited" number of guests as you'll need to ensure enough food, drinks, seating, and toilets. Sounds like you would also need confirmation of who's staying on-site and who will need to find accommodation elsewhere.

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• ahoywedding member

  

  February 2017

  Eh technically, yeah, you're within etiquette BUT you may still get some side-eyes. You can definitely have an intimate (immediate family only) ceremony and then a reception with as many people as you want, and as few or as many "trappings" of a traditional reception as you want. 
  
  Could you have a small dinner the night before the wedding for your families? Or maybe a brunch the morning of or the morning after? 
  
  If you DO end up doing an intimate ceremony with a larger reception after, you'll still need enough food, drink & seats for every person you plan to invite. You can put an announcement in with the invites for the reception (see the Invites & Paper board for wording) or just spread that info via word of mouth. I've been invited to this type of reception with either type of invite and there was no issue.

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• missfrodo member

  

  February 2017

  How many people are invited to your intimate ceremony?  I feel like if it's more than parents, siblings, and maybe grandparents, you are likely to hurt some feelings with the plan your mother wants.  But yes, it's fine etiquette-wise.  If people will be travelling from far away and spending multiple days, I would suggest upgrading to a full meal for everyone you invite to the party or have apps that equal a full meal.  
  If you are dead-set on an apps and dessert only party, your party should be at a non-meal time--start at either 2 pm and end before 5, or start after 8 pm.  

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• holyguacamole79 member

  

  February 2017

  If I got invited to only the after-party, I'd feel slighted.  It seems like your motivation is to avoid the "formalities" ... but you don't need toasts, cake cutting, introductions, etc.  Have your wedding then throw a kickass reception!  Most people get bored by the toasts and introductions.    

  
  
  
  
  

  

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• Viczaesar member

  

  February 2017

  This sounds like a tiered reception to me - small party for ceremony and dinner, followed by a larger party for dancing and drinks and finger foods.  I don't think it's two separate events in that case, just one event with a 2-hour gap and a tiered invitation list.
  

  
  
  
  

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• LondonLisa member

  

  February 2017 edited February 2017

  I don't think this is etiquette approved at all. It is veering directly into 'evening guests' territory. If your ceremony was your parents and siblings only AND you weren't planning on doing dinner afterwards, it would be better, but you are essentially inviting people to an after dinner party. You are inviting friends to your ceremony. You are hosting a dinner as your reception. What happens when your friends talk to your other friend and she mentions the lovely dinner she just had? Would you invite people to come to your house for a dinner party, and then have others join just for dessert?
  
  The only difference between this and evening guests is a venue change.
  
  Frankly, I think it reads as gift grabby and b-list. You don't want it, it's rude, and you are frustrated by the logistics- just skip it! 
  

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• MyNameIsNot member

  

  February 2017

  Viczaesar and @LondonLisa . This doesn't pass etiquette muster at all to me. This is just a tiered wedding with a gap in the middle.  
  
  OP, you really need to make some decisions here. Do you want the intimate wedding, or do you want the big casual party? From your post, it sounds like the big party is your mother's idea. You don't have to do it just because she wants you to. 
  
  Decide who you want to invite, and then plan the event from there. Having second tier guests is rude, and it's going to hurt a lot of people. 

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• MandyMost member

  

  February 2017

  People get so caught up in all the crap that is piled into weddings these days--the toasts, the intros, the bridal party, etc. You don't need any of it. Or maybe you want some of it. It's totally up to you.
  
  What you need to have a wedding: a fiance, a person legally able to marry you, a marriage license, and in some states a witness.
  
  What you need to have a wedding if you invite guests: all of the above, plus seats for all your guests at the ceremony, and food/drink appropriate for the time of day immediately following the ceremony, with the appropriate amount of seats and tables. 
  
  That's it.
  
  How about an intimate dinner then night before, then a brief ceremony and casual party with everyone you want to invite. No intros. No bridal party if you don't want them. No toasts, etc.
  
  Personally, I had a "traditional wedding" where we had a ceremony and then cocktail hour, then seated dinner, then dancing, all on a Saturday night. No bridesmaids/groomsmen. No intros. We had a DJ and 2 toasts because we wanted that, but also not required. Have whatever YOU want, not what you think you should have, as long as you follow the rules above!

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• mollybarker11 member

  

  February 2017

  Viczaesar said:

  This sounds like a tiered reception to me - small party for ceremony and dinner, followed by a larger party for dancing and drinks and finger foods.  I don't think it's two separate events in that case, just one event with a 2-hour gap and a tiered invitation list.
  

  I agree with this actually. In my earlier post I thought of it as sort of an after-party, but the after-party guests aren't invited to the party-party so yeah it's 100% a tiered reception.
  
  OP: I strongly recommend moving the ceremony portion to the evening, once all your guests have arrived. You can still have an intimate family dinner beforehand and a casual cocktail reception afterward.

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• hyechica81 member

  

  February 2017

  tiered reception is a huge no no and this is one of them. Invite everyone to ceremony and reception do it at a non meal time and serve heavy apps cheese crackers veggies dips maybe like a mash potato bar or something different you can still skip all the formalities, you don't have to have cake i went to a wedding and the bride groom cut into pies and served various flavors of pies with ice cream, do cupcakes, have an ice cream bar or a smores bar. but don't have a dinner for some people and then have others come later its rude tacky and against etiquette 
  

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