Bridesmaid being difficult - not sure what to do?

Knottie1454342962 · February 2017

I picked my bridesmaid because we have lived together for 3 years and she was with FI and I throughout dating and when we got engaged.

2 years ago we had a falling out when we went on a beach holiday: she ran into the sea and left her money on the beach, someone stole it. She then borrowed money from me and drank 6 shots of tequila in one go, kissed my brother and punched me.

We made up, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and asked her to be my bridesmaid. things have been very tense and we fall out a lot. I have asked her several times if she wants to be a bridesmaid but she keeps on saying yes.

When I ask if we can sit down and plan she's always busy and never bothers to ask to rearrange. If we're in a group talking about the wedding she'll start turning it on herself, saying things like "doesn't it make you imagine what your wedding is going to be like? Mines going to be....". Every time the girls start planning the bacholorette party she refuses to take part, she said she's too busy to deal with the stress.

This week I told her the room arrangements for the hotel and she flipped out at me (the whole weekend would cost her 100 dollars). She refused to pay for a room outright, but I have bought everyone's dresses, will pay for their hair and have arranged their makeup.

She still owes me money for the bacholorette party flights, so I don't know what to do? We're not on speaking terms for the time being, but I know she's going to add extra stress to my day.

Any solutions?

charlotte989875 · February 2017

Knottie1454342962 said:

I picked my bridesmaid because we have lived together for 3 years and she was with FI and I throughout dating and when we got engaged.

2 years ago we had a falling out when we went on a beach holiday: she ran into the sea and left her money on the beach, someone stole it. She then borrowed money from me and drank 6 shots of tequila in one go, kissed my brother and punched me.

We made up, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and asked her to be my bridesmaid. things have been very tense and we fall out a lot. I have asked her several times if she wants to be a bridesmaid but she keeps on saying yes.

When I ask if we can sit down and plan she's always busy and never bothers to ask to rearrange. If we're in a group talking about the wedding she'll start turning it on herself, saying things like "doesn't it make you imagine what your wedding is going to be like? Mines going to be....". Every time the girls start planning the bacholorette party she refuses to take part, she said she's too busy to deal with the stress.

This week I told her the room arrangements for the hotel and she flipped out at me (the whole weekend would cost her 100 dollars). She refused to pay for a room outright, but I have bought everyone's dresses, will pay for their hair and have arranged their makeup.

She still owes me money for the bacholorette party flights, so I don't know what to do? We're not on speaking terms for the time being, but I know she's going to add extra stress to my day.

Any solutions?

There is a lot to unpack in this post.

1) You asked her, even after the beach incident, so I'm not sure how that's really relevant anymore. I'm also not sure why the kissing the brother thing matters? I'm also not sure I'd make up with someone who punched me, but what's done is done. You asked her in spite of all of that.

2) What do you need her to plan? It is your, your FI, and any one who is paying's responsibility to plan the wedding. If she offers to help, fantastic! Take her up on it. But it's not on her to plan your wedding.

3) Honestly, the bolded just sounds like people having a conservation to me. I don't think she's doing anything wrong here.

4) Are you requiring her to stay in a particular hotel? Is she from out to town? Let her make her own travel arrangements. Unless there is a particular reason for you to be involved, let her figure this out on her own.

5) I need more info on the b-party. You say the girls are planning it, but that she owes you money for flights? I'm confused. Why does she owe you money if someone else is planning it; and was there a budget she agreed on? If she agreed to pay you and hasn't, that's a big deal and she definitely owes you that money. However, if you went ahead and paid for a trip she didn't know the price of, or didn't agree to, you can't force that on her (not saying you are, again I'm confused on what's happening).

Finally, why aren't you speaking? My solution is to talk to her.

Knottie1454342962 · February 2017

Sorry there was a lot to say!

The beach incident was giving a bit of context. I'm afraid that she'll be unpredictable, but as my FI pointed out she might be more unpredictable if she's not a bridesmaid!

Everyone agreed on the villa because it's the cheapest option and they don't speak the language.

I booked the flights for the girls through a travel agent and offered to pay for her flights, she was meant to pay me back a few month ago but she hasnt. We all agreed to a budget of £200 for the whole bacholorette party.

When we start talking we end up fighting, so not really sure what to do.

MyNameIsNot · February 2017

Honestly, this sounds extremely immature. If you can't talk to her without fighting, why are you friends? I am baffled by this.

Anyway, it sounds like she didn't want to be involved in the b-party at all, and has been railroaded into going and agreeing to a someone else's budget. You've [rudely] tried to goad her into stepping out of the WP, which she has declined to do.

At this point, you might as well accept that she's not likely to attend the B-party or stay in whatever hotel you've booked for her. Leave it up to her to get her dress and show up for the ceremony. Let her decide what she's going to be involved in.

Knottie1454342962 · February 2017

I've sent numerous messages asking if we can talk it out, she ignores them and won't talk to me when we're at home together.

It was when she was being particularly rude a few months back when I asked her if its what she really wanted, and she did say yes.

I've bought her dress for her so that bit is all sorted.

mollybarker11 · February 2017

This sounds really tough, I'm sorry you're in this scenario. What to do?

- Don't expect this stressful person to suddenly become easier to deal with.
I get your FI's point like maybe she would've been offended if you hadn't included her in the bridal party, but your decision to include her didn't change who she is as a person. If anything it just involves her in additional situations that now have drama potential. If you're afraid she'll do something unpredictable / inappropriate / violent at your wedding, ensure you hire security staff to remove her if necessary.

- Don't expect her to plan your wedding.
As pp and literally every thread here mentioned, it's not her job. She's made it very clear she's not interested by avoiding meetings, changing the topic when it comes up, and expressly saying she doesn't want to. This is not a big deal at all and is actually to be expected of most people who aren't paid wedding planners.

- Don't expect her to stick to her word.
It really truly sucks that she's backing out on previously-agreed to plans to pay you back for her flights to the bachelorette and to stay at that particular villa for your wedding. You may just have to cut your losses and learn a lesson: depending on this woman for money is a bad idea. (Did she ever pay you back for the money you loaned her 2 years ago btw?) If the bachelorette hasn't happened yet, let her know you need the money by X date (Can you get a refund/exchange on the ticket through your agent?). Let her know she's on her own for the wedding accommodations. If she's unable to make it and drops out altogether, don't expect her to pay you back for the dress.

downtondiva · February 2017

1. Do not expect her to be involved with planning the wedding or any related events. She's not obligated to and clearly isn't interested. Let this go. If the other bridesmaids are pissed at her about this, then let that be their problem.

2. Tell her she's on her own with where she stays for the wedding. It's on her now. Don't think about this any further.

3. You are never seeing the money for the bachelorette party flight again. Accept it and learn not to trust people on paying you back for things.

4. Stop asking her if she still wants to be a bridesmaid. It puts her in a defensive position and will only cause more fighting.

5. If she ends up dropping out of the wedding, don't be surprised and just accept that your friendship with her is probably over. Unfortunately you will probably also have to eat the money you put out for the dress if this happens.

6. Honestly, even if she does show up for the wedding, I think it might be best to distance yourself from her once it's all over. I'm not sure it's worth maintaining a friendship with someone you fight with this much.

Knottie1454342962 · February 2017

Thanks everyone!

This has put things in to perspective.

This wedding is in the uk and it's up to the bride to pay for the dress here.

The MOH has said if she does anything unpredictable she will sort the situation.

It's definitely time I accept that she's not going to help and that's that.

SP29 · February 2017

Agree with the above. Stop talking wedding with her. You can tell her "You owe $X by Y date", but don't expect her to show up. Leave the ball in her court. She knows when and where the wedding is. If she shows up on time in her dress, then she's part of your WP, if not, she's removed herself without you having to look like the bad one.

Bridesmaid being difficult - not sure what to do?

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