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I am upset and hurt. Bridesmaids stepped down from standing. Should I still invite them?

I had five bridesmaids stand down. I understand life happens. Two of them had gotten pregnant so they couldn't stand and I understood their situation because babies are expensive so I said they could still come to the wedding. One was going through a rough time with financial aspects and was going through court so I understood she couldn't stand. My last two...well one was my sister in law. I had asked her to stand but prior to that my fiance asked her if she could help out with cleaning or helping set up, anything really. Then she went behind his back and told his family "we shouldn't be begging for things like this". So because the other ladies had stood down, my fiancee thought I should ask her despite her saying negative things. I complied and she said "no not my thing". Mind you she was sending me pictures of designs and everything before my fiancee asked her for help. So because it isn't her thing, should she still be invited since a wedding isn't her thing? She doesn't seem very supportive either. My fiancee said he doesn't want to invite her either, but then he says he wants to. Keeps going back and forth. And my last bridesmaid to stand down said every excuse in the book to not stand. She said she couldn't find a sitter, didn't have money, was too fat, etc. Then recently she asked if she can still come to the wedding and that she will find a sitter. She constantly goes shopping and travels. She left it to the last minute to tell me she couldnt stand. It was a slap to the face because it made me feel like she just didn't want to be apart of my big day. 
She also made some hints that I should pay for her dress. But I told her it just wasn't financially feasible for me because we spent well over $15,000.00 just to feed and entertain everyone. Plus I am expecting my first child. 

I had given everyone a year in advance to save for $250.00 for the dress...

Re: I am upset and hurt. Bridesmaids stepped down from standing. Should I still invite them?

  • I asked every bridesmaids what they were comfortable spending, all of them told me they are fine with everything as long as its under 300. I actually tried to get everyone a 70 dollar dress but unfortunately it didnt come in our wedding colour or their size becaude it was a clearance. 
    Im from canada and that was literally the cheapest dress we found at any bridal house. They had got 10% off too and only had to pay half of the dress and pay the other half when it comes in. 
    Everywhere else we tried to buy a dress didn't do the half down, and other half down the line. 
  • And they couldn't stand while pregnant because they said they didn't want to be a drag, so i understood that. And i know a baby is expensive and i didn't want to put them in the hole with a dress or stress. 
  • As for the sister in law, my parents paid for band, dress, half of food, and my brooch bouquet. They asked me and my fiancee if it was possible for his family to help with food prep or cleaning if they couldn't help with financial aspects. 
    In weddings ive been to in the past its not uncommon for family to help clean up or set up. 
    But apparently she was upset that we even asked such a request.
  • OP, do all your friends have raging self-esteem issues?  Your pregnant BMs think they're going to be a drag, and your other friend thinks she's too fat to stand up next to you.  I think you definitely didn't help the situation by AGREEING WITH your pregnant BMs that they would be a drag if they were in your wedding!  They probably feel worse about their bodies now!  Maybe your other friend, who is sensitive about her weight, was worried that you only wanted skinny BMs since the pregnant ones dropped out.  I have no idea if that's true or not, just something to think about in how you respond to people's feelings on their own bodies.  
    In any of those situations,  I would say something like, "Don't be ridiculous!  You are gorgeous and you are my friend.  But I understand if you aren't comfortable standing up in front of a crowd--would you consider being a BM if all it meant was walking down the aisle and sitting in the front row?  I really want to share this important time in my life with you.  If that still makes you uncomfortable, I of course understand if you'd like to attend as a guest."  
    And as PPs above have stated, make sure the pregnant ones know it's fine if they don't decide until day-of whether they can attend or not.  I wasn't sure from your post if they would be pregnant at the time of your wedding, or will  have delivered by then.  

    As for your SIL, it doesn't sound like you and FI are very close to her, so of course she would feel like a second-string choice for a BM.  Invite all these lovely ladies to your wedding; if they choose not to continue the relationship with you after, that's their choice, but if you don't invite them after asking them to be BMs, YOU will have ended the friendship, and YOU will come across as the "bad guy."
  • There's a lot going on here, but YES you should invite your FSIL to your wedding. She will be your family for the rest of your life, long after your wedding is over and worrying about BM dresses are a distant memory. Don't start this relationship out on a bad foot.
  • PPS have most of it covered but you bring up the one BM that likes to travel and shop. I think you would be hard pressed to find someone who wants to travel and buy clothes based on what someone else (you) wants) versus how they would choose to spend their own money.

    And you can't be annoyed with your pregnant friends money concerns when in your first post you said you can't help her pay for someone else's dress because you are also pregnant. Even though the dress would be "theirs", they're buying it FOR YOU!

  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I'm also thinking there's more to the story. If $15 grand is already committed yet there's not food prep and set-up/take-down, this sounds like one of the most poorly planned weddings ever. 

    OP, I don't say that to be mean. We can absolutely help you here if you're willing to accept the help. 

    I know a woman who had a wedding at a beautiful country club, yet the bridal party (and husbands of bridesmaids, btw) were ironing tablecloths in the days leading up to the wedding. Clearly, Bride put a "vision" over budget as country clubs obviously have plenty of paid help to do the grunt work. My point is, something's not adding up here with OP's event, which is probably a big reason five BMs have dropped. Five!

  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited February 2017
    Apologize to your FSIL at once!  Your FI needs to apologize, too!  You were both out of line.

    Once you have invited someone to your wedding, whether as an attendant, or as a guest, you cannot un-invite them.  Of course you must invite your former bridesmaids!  The very idea of not doing this is unbelievably rude.

    I am guessing that you are not happy with the responses you have been given to your questions.  People here are very honest.  You need to sit down and re-think why so many people are not willing to be in your wedding party.  The pregnancy thing is just an excuse.  There must be other reasons.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Ro041 said:
    I would be so pissed if, because my parents chose not to contribute to a sibling's wedding, I was asked to set up or clean up.  Are you kidding me?  No one is required to contribute to your wedding and asking your fiance's sister to act as your hired help for the day because her parent's didn't give a voluntary contribution is a pretty big slap in the face.  And now you are considering not even inviting her?  What in the actual......

    My parents not only can easily afford, but OFFERED to help with my brother's wedding.   His wife's family refused "because it's the bride's family who pays for the wedding".   Then the bride's family made the WP (which included all my siblings and cousin) setup the wedding.  We were not privy to the plan until we were finished up photos and was summoned into the area by the MOB and ordered to setup the reception.   We felt like we had no choice because people were arriving in an hour or 2 (there was a gap - gross).   They will be married 20 years in May, it's still to this day the worse wedding I've been a WP member.

    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • MUD

  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I sure hope so. Although I am increasingly not surprised by the lack of self-awareness of some...
  • OP - you just saved yourself a load of money by not having BM's!  Take a deep breath and relax, have a beverage and cupcake pity party for one, let it go, and consider it where you'll help make up space in the budget because each of those brooch bouquets would have been expensive.  I'm hoping the drop-outs were individual cases, and whining about the budget at $300 that they told you would be o.k. after the fact is "normal" and not unusual (life changes as do finances.  

    I get why you can't figure out "why don't they want to help since they aren't contributing financially."  The problem is you were brought up thinking that was normal how weddings go (in YOUR family), and YOUR family decided that they would like to help contribute (you either accept or decline based on the strings) to the cost rather than the manual work of the wedding and you just assumed that would be the case on your FI's side, and it's not (nor is it really on your side, just your perception, no one is required to contribute to your wedding, only you/FI are responsible for paying for this and attending to all details surrounding the day yourself), your FSIL considers becoming your slave labor offensive, for that your FI should apologize to her that the request was out of line based on an immature presumption.  Only between you/FI do you need to decide how you proceed knowing they aren't helping you and you need to rework the budget to hire people in to do those tasks for you.  You didn't know what you didn't know, now you do, it's how you recover from here.  

    Ultimately you need to decide with your FI who you can/can't afford to invite.  Yes, these individuals should be invited if you're inviting guests, especially the FSIL, however I suspect you're going to be readjusting your budget to what you can afford instead.  If they attend, great, if not, you invited them, you'll still be married that day whether they're there or not.
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