I am upset and hurt. Bridesmaids stepped down from standing. Should I still invite them?

Knottie1472054076 · February 2017

I had five bridesmaids stand down. I understand life happens. Two of them had gotten pregnant so they couldn't stand and I understood their situation because babies are expensive so I said they could still come to the wedding. One was going through a rough time with financial aspects and was going through court so I understood she couldn't stand. My last two...well one was my sister in law. I had asked her to stand but prior to that my fiance asked her if she could help out with cleaning or helping set up, anything really. Then she went behind his back and told his family "we shouldn't be begging for things like this". So because the other ladies had stood down, my fiancee thought I should ask her despite her saying negative things. I complied and she said "no not my thing". Mind you she was sending me pictures of designs and everything before my fiancee asked her for help. So because it isn't her thing, should she still be invited since a wedding isn't her thing? She doesn't seem very supportive either. My fiancee said he doesn't want to invite her either, but then he says he wants to. Keeps going back and forth. And my last bridesmaid to stand down said every excuse in the book to not stand. She said she couldn't find a sitter, didn't have money, was too fat, etc. Then recently she asked if she can still come to the wedding and that she will find a sitter. She constantly goes shopping and travels. She left it to the last minute to tell me she couldnt stand. It was a slap to the face because it made me feel like she just didn't want to be apart of my big day.
She also made some hints that I should pay for her dress. But I told her it just wasn't financially feasible for me because we spent well over $15,000.00 just to feed and entertain everyone. Plus I am expecting my first child.

I had given everyone a year in advance to save for $250.00 for the dress...

OurWildKingdom · February 2017

Of course you should still invite them as guests. Let them decide if they come or not. I understand that you must be feeling hurt, but these women must be important to you or you wouldn't have asked them to be your bridesmaids.

I don't know if you were considering replacing your bridesmaids, but please don't do that. That is extremely rude and hurtful.

ernursej · February 2017

Knottie1472054076 said:

I had five bridesmaids stand down. I understand life happens. Two of them had gotten pregnant so they couldn't stand and I understood their situation because babies are expensive so I said they could still come to the wedding. One was going through a rough time with financial aspects and was going through court so I understood she couldn't stand. My last two...well one was my sister in law. I had asked her to stand but prior to that my fiance asked her if she could help out with cleaning or helping set up, anything really. Then she went behind his back and told his family "we shouldn't be begging for things like this". So because the other ladies had stood down, my fiancee thought I should ask her despite her saying negative things. I complied and she said "no not my thing". Mind you she was sending me pictures of designs and everything before my fiancee asked her for help. So because it isn't her thing, should she still be invited since a wedding isn't her thing? She doesn't seem very supportive either. My fiancee said he doesn't want to invite her either, but then he says he wants to. Keeps going back and forth. And my last bridesmaid to stand down said every excuse in the book to not stand. She said she couldn't find a sitter, didn't have money, was too fat, etc. Then recently she asked if she can still come to the wedding and that she will find a sitter. She constantly goes shopping and travels. She left it to the last minute to tell me she couldnt stand. It was a slap to the face because it made me feel like she just didn't want to be apart of my big day.
She also made some hints that I should pay for her dress. But I told her it just wasn't financially feasible for me because we spent well over $15,000.00 just to feed and entertain everyone. Plus I am expecting my first child.

I had given everyone a year in advance to save for $250.00 for the dress...

Okay, couple of things here.

First, I'm sorry that things are not going as expected. Planning a wedding can get very stressful, especially since the wedding industry will tell you things that you 'MUST HAVE'. That puts a lot of pressure on brides and can turn something simple into a real circus. I would suggest taking a couple of days to be mad/sad/irritated/upset and get all those negative emotions out. You can be any emotion you want about your maids stepping down as long as it doesn't impact your relationships with them. Letting those emotions come out is really important. When you've had a few days, you need to move forward.

Something to note - The only responsibility for a wedding party member is to show up on time, sober, in the agreed upon attire and participate in a few photos. Anything else is not required. If someone offers to help set up/clean/assist, that is great but you can't ask for any of that help.

Being a guest is still an honour and there is nothing saying that you must have a bridal party.

Did you ask for each of your maid's budget ahead of time and in private? $250.00 is a lot of money for something that they are not likely to wear again.

Even if you did everything right, sometimes, things happen and people have to step down. Be gracious, welcome any bridesmaid to continue as a guest.

If you are worried about how the sides might look (you do not need even sides) you can have the groomsmen sit down for the ceremony. You can ask someone to hold your flowers and consider asking parents to sign the papers with you instead of your maids if no one is able to continue standing up.

STARMOON44 · February 2017

Yes, still invite them. You shouldn't be asking your families to clean up, you shouldn't have asked your SIL just because the other women dropped out, you don't give them a year to save up for a $250 dress, you ask their budgets and pick something they can afford. I think you should invite all of them!

LondonLisa · February 2017

Knottie1472054076 said:

I had five bridesmaids stand down. I understand life happens. Two of them had gotten pregnant so they couldn't stand and I understood their situation because babies are expensive so I said they could still come to the wedding. One was going through a rough time with financial aspects and was going through court so I understood she couldn't stand. My last two...well one was my sister in law. I had asked her to stand but prior to that my fiance asked her if she could help out with cleaning or helping set up, anything really. Then she went behind his back and told his family "we shouldn't be begging for things like this". So because the other ladies had stood down, my fiancee thought I should ask her despite her saying negative things. I complied and she said "no not my thing". Mind you she was sending me pictures of designs and everything before my fiancee asked her for help. So because it isn't her thing, should she still be invited since a wedding isn't her thing? She doesn't seem very supportive either. My fiancee said he doesn't want to invite her either, but then he says he wants to. Keeps going back and forth. And my last bridesmaid to stand down said every excuse in the book to not stand. She said she couldn't find a sitter, didn't have money, was too fat, etc. Then recently she asked if she can still come to the wedding and that she will find a sitter. She constantly goes shopping and travels. She left it to the last minute to tell me she couldnt stand. It was a slap to the face because it made me feel like she just didn't want to be apart of my big day.
She also made some hints that I should pay for her dress. But I told her it just wasn't financially feasible for me because we spent well over $15,000.00 just to feed and entertain everyone. Plus I am expecting my first child.

I had given everyone a year in advance to save for $250.00 for the dress...

ok, that is hurtful, but you have done a lot of this backwards:

1.) it sounds like you didn't ask any budgets before you picked the dress- it doesn't matter how long you have told them beforehand, sometimes $250 is just more than anyone wants to spend! I'm not surprised they backed out.

2.) a bridesmaid's only duty is to show up in a mutually agreed dress, so I'm not sure why being pregnant is an issue, unless you dictated several expensive things.

3.) of course his sister said no, you asked her to be a b-list bridesmaid that included her having to clean up and set up?

Look, you messed up by dictating expensive things and annoying tasks, so you can't be frustrated when they say no. I'm just baffled that you kept going ahead with your plans when literally everyone was complaining about expense! These are supposed to be your closest friends- why would you threaten to not invite them?!

If no one has bought the dress, I would just tell everyone to wear an LBD they already own. Also, start profusely apologising for your selfishness.

Knottie1472054076 · February 2017

I asked every bridesmaids what they were comfortable spending, all of them told me they are fine with everything as long as its under 300. I actually tried to get everyone a 70 dollar dress but unfortunately it didnt come in our wedding colour or their size becaude it was a clearance.
Im from canada and that was literally the cheapest dress we found at any bridal house. They had got 10% off too and only had to pay half of the dress and pay the other half when it comes in.
Everywhere else we tried to buy a dress didn't do the half down, and other half down the line.

Knottie1472054076 · February 2017

And they couldn't stand while pregnant because they said they didn't want to be a drag, so i understood that. And i know a baby is expensive and i didn't want to put them in the hole with a dress or stress.

Knottie1472054076 · February 2017

As for the sister in law, my parents paid for band, dress, half of food, and my brooch bouquet. They asked me and my fiancee if it was possible for his family to help with food prep or cleaning if they couldn't help with financial aspects.
In weddings ive been to in the past its not uncommon for family to help clean up or set up.
But apparently she was upset that we even asked such a request.

ei34 · February 2017

Knottie1472054076 said:

As for the sister in law, my parents paid for band, dress, half of food, and my brooch bouquet. They asked me and my fiancee if it was possible for his family to help with food prep or cleaning if they couldn't help with financial aspects.
In weddings ive been to in the past its not uncommon for family to help clean up or set up.
But apparently she was upset that we even asked such a request.

I have a hard time believing this isn't all MUD. You've hit the Knottie bingo like 3 times. But I'll respond anyway bc I'm bored.

It's nice that your parents are helping you guys, but that doesn't mean your FIL's have to as well. No one is expected to contribute (financially or physically). I'd be upset if you made that request too. The reception is your gift of thanks to all of your guests for witnessing your ceremony- it's not much of a thank you if they have to work it.

And being a BM isn't a subpoena- the fact that they've all dropped out is telling. I feel like they're not the problem here.

geebee908 · February 2017

Knottie1472054076 said:

As for the sister in law, my parents paid for band, dress, half of food, and my brooch bouquet. They asked me and my fiancee if it was possible for his family to help with food prep or cleaning if they couldn't help with financial aspects.
In weddings ive been to in the past its not uncommon for family to help clean up or set up.
But apparently she was upset that we even asked such a request.

The bolded is completely understandable; it was wrong to make the request. If they had offered, you could have taken them up on that, but you and your FI are the only ones required to commit anything financially. Your parents offered (I hope) to help out; his parents did not choose to do so and aren't obligated to.

SP29 · February 2017

Sorry things are not going exactly as you had hoped, but I think you need to re-adjust your expectations and there a few things you can change that could make the situation better. Yes- you should still invite all of these people to your wedding. I assume these are your very dear friends and family, and I also assume you would *want* them at your wedding.

1) You do not TELL your BMs the budget. They should each give you a budget they are comfortable with (privately), and then you pick a dress that suits the lowest budget. Doesn't matter if you gave them a year to save- $250 is $250. I would not be happy spending that on a dress I will likely wear once. I am not surprised many stepped down due to finances.

2) The only requirement of your BMs is to show up the day of in the agreed upon attire (that you have previously consulted their budget for), relatively sober and on time. They do not need to plan a shower or bachelorette party, attend rehearsals or dinners, or pay for things like hair and make up. If these are things you have requested of your BMs, then I think you should first find a cheaper dress, or give them a colour and let them find a dress, then apologize and tell your BMs that what you value most is having them stand up with you when you get married, and you hope they will reconsider and stand up with you on the day. For your friends who are pregnant, tell them you are fine with them making a day-of decision. If they are feeling up to it, you would love to have them walk up the aisle and stand with you, but if not, you would love to see them there as guests (or they could walk up the aisle then sit in the first row for the ceremony).

3) As for your SIL- your FI should never have asked her (or anyone) to help set up and clean up. If you need help with this- hire someone! It's different if someone offers to help, but you can't ask or expect this. You also asked your SIL stand up with you after some of your other BMs stepped down- I can imagine how that may have hurt your SIL and she may have been made to feel like a prop rather than a valued person in your life. I am not surprised by her answer- sounds like she was trying to politely say no. Of course you still invite her to your wedding. This is your SIL- she's going to be in your life for a long time and I can only imagine how awkward family dinners will be if you do not invite her.

4) As for your last BM- asking someone to be a BM is not a summons. She is free to decline the offer for any reason and you shouldn't pressure her to be in the WP if she doesn't want to. I do wonder where these excuses come from. Again, if you've picked a $250 dress and are requiring things like showers, B parties, rehearsal +dinner the day before (meaning this BM needs a sitter for 2 nights), hair and make up, plus whatever else, I can see why she would decline. What is most important is that she shows up on time the day of to stand beside you. If she just doesn't want to do that, don't pressure her. Maybe she doesn't like the attention of standing up at the front during the ceremony. Maybe being a BM just isn't her thing. Maybe she's got lots of stuff going on at home and she's feeling stressed for time/money. Of course you should still invite her as a guest- she is your friend! What she chooses to spend her own money on (shopping, travels, etc) is not your business and you shouldn't judge. If she tells you $250 for a dress is too much money, it's too much.

charlotte989875 · February 2017

Knottie1472054076 said:

And they couldn't stand while pregnant because they said they didn't want to be a drag, so i understood that. And i know a baby is expensive and i didn't want to put them in the hole with a dress or stress.

Knottie1472054076 said:

As for the sister in law, my parents paid for band, dress, half of food, and my brooch bouquet. They asked me and my fiancee if it was possible for his family to help with food prep or cleaning if they couldn't help with financial aspects.
In weddings ive been to in the past its not uncommon for family to help clean up or set up.
But apparently she was upset that we even asked such a request.

To the first bolded, why not just reply, "you won't be a drag you're my closest friends, I don't care if you have to stand up there with the baby, I just want you up there with me when I get married"?

You say you know a baby is expensive so why not just tell them to get a dress in your wedding color, rather than trying to have postpartum women all try to find the same thing to wear? It seems like you care more about how things look than you do if these women are standing with you on your wedding day.

If people offer to help with these things, you're more than welcome to take them up on their offers, but it is incredibly rude to ask them, even family, if they will work your wedding. I'd be upset if my sister asked me to do that.

mollybarker11 · February 2017

Yes, still invite them.

I have a few suggestions for the individual scenarios, but remember that even if you wind up with zero bridesmaids your wedding will still be ok! If you're worried about uneven sides, the groomsmen can be seated as pp mentioned, and photographers can stage all sorts of combos. Responses to each issue follow:

Knottie1472054076 said:

Two of them had gotten pregnant so they couldn't stand [...] because they said they didn't want to be a drag, so i understood that. And i know a baby is expensive and i didn't want to put them in the hole with a dress or stress.

I have no idea what part of them being pregnant would be "a drag" on you/your wedding.
- If it's expense-related: An easy solution to this is to ask if they have new budgets in mind and find a dress in that range instead. (BM dresses absolutely do not need to come from a bridal boutique!) An even easier solution is to ask them to wear any dress in X colour and be done with it. (BM dresses absolutely do not need to all be the same!)
- If it's stress-related: They may simply not be interested in adding extra elements to the day while heavily pregnant / caring for a newborn. Yeah it is a bummer, but it's no reason to uninvite them. If they decide they're unable to attend the wedding at all for those reasons it's their choice.

Knottie1472054076 said:

One was going through a rough time with financial aspects and was going through court so I understood she couldn't stand.

See above re: expenses. No reason to uninvite her.

Knottie1472054076 said:

[...]one was my sister in law. I had asked her to stand but prior to that my fiance asked her if she could help out with cleaning or helping set up, anything really. Then she went behind his back and told his family "we shouldn't be begging for things like this". So because the other ladies had stood down, my fiancee thought I should ask her despite her saying negative things. I complied and she said "no not my thing". Mind you she was sending me pictures of designs and everything before my fiancee asked her for help. So because it isn't her thing, should she still be invited since a wedding isn't her thing? She doesn't seem very supportive either. My fiancee said he doesn't want to invite her either, but then he says he wants to. Keeps going back and forth.

Your FI asked her to do setup/teardown for your event and then you asked her to be a B-list BM. Either she assumed there'd be work involved in that as well or she was offended by the B-listing. Both are perfectly sensible reasons for her to decline. Her declining is no reason to uninvite her. Free labour and desperate role-filling aren't her things, but that doesn't mean weddings aren't her thing.

Also the fact that "she doesn't seem very supportive" is no reason for you & your FI to drastically alter or potentially end your relationships with his sister (which is what uninviting her would do). I advise you both take a step back, realize you've gotten carried away in the planning frenzy, and try to smooth things over.

Knottie1472054076 said:

And my last bridesmaid to stand down said every excuse in the book to not stand. She said she couldn't find a sitter, didn't have money, was too fat, etc. Then recently she asked if she can still come to the wedding and that she will find a sitter. She constantly goes shopping and travels. She left it to the last minute to tell me she couldnt stand. It was a slap to the face because it made me feel like she just didn't want to be apart of my big day.

It sounds like you're right on this one -- she just doesn't want to be a bridesmaid. Again, it's a bummer but it doesn't mean she's suddenly a worse friend and it's no reason to uninvite her.

lyndausvi · February 2017

Am I the only one who thinks there is way more to this story? BM's back out, others decline for whatever reason. I get it. 5 is a lot, though. Like there is more to the story a lot.

I had a pregnant BM. She thought she would be a drag too. I went out of my way to tell her she was being silly. I told her to just pick other dress in the same color (not even the same designer - although that is what she choose to do). I told her she could tell me up to the last minute if she could even come to the wedding, let alone walk down the aisle. If she wanted to just sit with my parents, I was all good. It was her call and she could tell me right up until we went down the aisle. I made her feel welcome. If expenses was one of the reasons you could adjust your vision and help make the costs more affordable

On another note: Not inviting your FSIL because she decided not to be a BM is asking for even more drama. You will have the rest of your lives to deal with her, not inviting her would be a bad idea IMO.

climbingsingle · February 2017

If 5 people had dropped out of my wedding, I'd be wondering what I had done. There seems to be a common denominator here...

lovesclimbing · February 2017

climbingwife said:

If 5 people had dropped out of my wedding, I'd be wondering what I had done. There seems to be a common denominator here...

This is where I'm at. I've been a MOH twice and a BM once. I have never once even considered dropping out in any of them. With rare exception (mainly if travel costs are too much or if their baby is literally due the day of the wedding), bridesmaids should never feel like they have to drop out. There should be no pressure to do any planning, no pressure to host parties, no expenses beyond a within-budget dress and travel costs - basically no expectations except get the dress and walk down the aisle.

Now in both weddings where I was MOH, I either hosted or co-hosted a shower and in one of them, I also hosted a bachelorette. These were things I offered, not things that were pushed on me. And there was no pressure to host a certain type of shower or b-party that may be out of my budget.

Bridesmaids are positions of honor and should not be a hardship for the people filling those positions.

LondonLisa · February 2017

climbingwife said:

If 5 people had dropped out of my wedding, I'd be wondering what I had done. There seems to be a common denominator here...

I agree- there must be something more to this story. I also wonder what else they were voluntold to do.

Frankly, if OP's reaction to a best friend saying they can't afford the wedding is to say 'well then you can't come to my party' rather than 'how can I make this more affordable for you', I'm wondering what is missing.

missfrodo · February 2017

OP, do all your friends have raging self-esteem issues? Your pregnant BMs think they're going to be a drag, and your other friend thinks she's too fat to stand up next to you. I think you definitely didn't help the situation by AGREEING WITH your pregnant BMs that they would be a drag if they were in your wedding! They probably feel worse about their bodies now! Maybe your other friend, who is sensitive about her weight, was worried that you only wanted skinny BMs since the pregnant ones dropped out. I have no idea if that's true or not, just something to think about in how you respond to people's feelings on their own bodies.
In any of those situations, I would say something like, "Don't be ridiculous! You are gorgeous and you are my friend. But I understand if you aren't comfortable standing up in front of a crowd--would you consider being a BM if all it meant was walking down the aisle and sitting in the front row? I really want to share this important time in my life with you. If that still makes you uncomfortable, I of course understand if you'd like to attend as a guest."
And as PPs above have stated, make sure the pregnant ones know it's fine if they don't decide until day-of whether they can attend or not. I wasn't sure from your post if they would be pregnant at the time of your wedding, or will have delivered by then.

As for your SIL, it doesn't sound like you and FI are very close to her, so of course she would feel like a second-string choice for a BM. Invite all these lovely ladies to your wedding; if they choose not to continue the relationship with you after, that's their choice, but if you don't invite them after asking them to be BMs, YOU will have ended the friendship, and YOU will come across as the "bad guy."

kahluakoala · February 2017

There's a lot going on here, but YES you should invite your FSIL to your wedding. She will be your family for the rest of your life, long after your wedding is over and worrying about BM dresses are a distant memory. Don't start this relationship out on a bad foot.

lnixon8 · February 2017

PPS have most of it covered but you bring up the one BM that likes to travel and shop. I think you would be hard pressed to find someone who wants to travel and buy clothes based on what someone else (you) wants) versus how they would choose to spend their own money.

And you can't be annoyed with your pregnant friends money concerns when in your first post you said you can't help her pay for someone else's dress because you are also pregnant. Even though the dress would be "theirs", they're buying it FOR YOU!

thisismynickname2 · February 2017

I'm also thinking there's more to the story. If $15 grand is already committed yet there's not food prep and set-up/take-down, this sounds like one of the most poorly planned weddings ever.

OP, I don't say that to be mean. We can absolutely help you here if you're willing to accept the help.

I know a woman who had a wedding at a beautiful country club, yet the bridal party (and husbands of bridesmaids, btw) were ironing tablecloths in the days leading up to the wedding. Clearly, Bride put a "vision" over budget as country clubs obviously have plenty of paid help to do the grunt work. My point is, something's not adding up here with OP's event, which is probably a big reason five BMs have dropped. Five!

Ro041 · February 2017

I would be so pissed if, because my parents chose not to contribute to a sibling's wedding, I was asked to set up or clean up. Are you kidding me? No one is required to contribute to your wedding and asking your fiance's sister to act as your hired help for the day because her parent's didn't give a voluntary contribution is a pretty big slap in the face. And now you are considering not even inviting her? What in the actual......

thefanciestbeckler · February 2017

Ro041 said:

I would be so pissed if, because my parents chose not to contribute to a sibling's wedding, I was asked to set up or clean up. Are you kidding me? No one is required to contribute to your wedding and asking your fiance's sister to act as your hired help for the day because her parent's didn't give a voluntary contribution is a pretty big slap in the face. And now you are considering not even inviting her? What in the actual......

THIS! My family did not stay and help clean up. Neither did DH's family. He and I were the last people to leave the venue the night of our wedding. Some of my friends stayed and helped pack up centerpieces, etc. but they offered to do so.

Ro041 · February 2017

@thefanciestbeckler - it's like this family was told they either needed to pony up some dough or work off their debt to this wedding. And she doesn't understand why the sister is upset? This can't be real.

Edit: Words

CMGragain · February 2017

Apologize to your FSIL at once! Your FI needs to apologize, too! You were both out of line.

Once you have invited someone to your wedding, whether as an attendant, or as a guest, you cannot un-invite them. Of course you must invite your former bridesmaids! The very idea of not doing this is unbelievably rude.

I am guessing that you are not happy with the responses you have been given to your questions. People here are very honest. You need to sit down and re-think why so many people are not willing to be in your wedding party. The pregnancy thing is just an excuse. There must be other reasons.

lyndausvi · February 2017

Ro041 said:

I would be so pissed if, because my parents chose not to contribute to a sibling's wedding, I was asked to set up or clean up. Are you kidding me? No one is required to contribute to your wedding and asking your fiance's sister to act as your hired help for the day because her parent's didn't give a voluntary contribution is a pretty big slap in the face. And now you are considering not even inviting her? What in the actual......

My parents not only can easily afford, but OFFERED to help with my brother's wedding. His wife's family refused "because it's the bride's family who pays for the wedding". Then the bride's family made the WP (which included all my siblings and cousin) setup the wedding. We were not privy to the plan until we were finished up photos and was summoned into the area by the MOB and ordered to setup the reception. We felt like we had no choice because people were arriving in an hour or 2 (there was a gap - gross). They will be married 20 years in May, it's still to this day the worse wedding I've been a WP member.

southernbelle0915 · February 2017

MUD

LondonLisa · February 2017

southernbelle0915 said:

MUD

I sure hope so. Although I am increasingly not surprised by the lack of self-awareness of some...

MesmrEwe · February 2017

OP - you just saved yourself a load of money by not having BM's! Take a deep breath and relax, have a beverage and cupcake pity party for one, let it go, and consider it where you'll help make up space in the budget because each of those brooch bouquets would have been expensive. I'm hoping the drop-outs were individual cases, and whining about the budget at $300 that they told you would be o.k. after the fact is "normal" and not unusual (life changes as do finances.

I get why you can't figure out "why don't they want to help since they aren't contributing financially." The problem is you were brought up thinking that was normal how weddings go (in YOUR family), and YOUR family decided that they would like to help contribute (you either accept or decline based on the strings) to the cost rather than the manual work of the wedding and you just assumed that would be the case on your FI's side, and it's not (nor is it really on your side, just your perception, no one is required to contribute to your wedding, only you/FI are responsible for paying for this and attending to all details surrounding the day yourself), your FSIL considers becoming your slave labor offensive, for that your FI should apologize to her that the request was out of line based on an immature presumption. Only between you/FI do you need to decide how you proceed knowing they aren't helping you and you need to rework the budget to hire people in to do those tasks for you. You didn't know what you didn't know, now you do, it's how you recover from here.

Ultimately you need to decide with your FI who you can/can't afford to invite. Yes, these individuals should be invited if you're inviting guests, especially the FSIL, however I suspect you're going to be readjusting your budget to what you can afford instead. If they attend, great, if not, you invited them, you'll still be married that day whether they're there or not.

MandyMost · February 2017

There are a lot of terribly rude people out there who think bridesmaids are obligated to throw and/or attend pre-wedding parties (often involving travel), help out with a ton of wedding planning and DIY crap, and act as unpaid help in the days leading up to, and the day of the wedding. Never mind also being required to get a dress, shoes, jewelry, a matching wrap or something, and hair and makeup done. And then being required to be there at 8am for a 7pm wedding ceremony.

Regardless of whether you actually implied these things to your intended bridesmaids or if they just inferred it themselves, they clearly were under the impression that it was going to be a pain in the ass (and the wallet) to be a part of your wedding. The fact that they thought being pregnant would interfere with there duties is telling, since they should have had not duties or expectations.

People say a bridesmaid's only job is to show up on time the day of the wedding wearing a dress chosen at an agreeable price point after discussing the budget. But I think that's even too much. A bridesmaid's only job is to show up on time on the day of the wedding wearing an outfit they've previously discussed with the bride (even if it's something they already own). The ONLY difference from being a guest is that you are honoring them more than the other guests on this day, and maybe they have to be there a little early. That's it. If they are under the impression they have more to do as a bridesmaid than a guest, then you're doing it wrong.

I am upset and hurt. Bridesmaids stepped down from standing. Should I still invite them?

Re: I am upset and hurt. Bridesmaids stepped down from standing. Should I still invite them?

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