MIL Always Has to do Something

Knottiebk · February 2017

Hey Ladies,

This might not be the place to post this and if it's not, I'll remove my post. I got married last year to my DH. We've been together a total of 8 years so it wasn't exactly a new or quick relationship before we got married.

Before we got engaged, I had an amazing relationship with my MIL. However, once we got engaged 3 years ago, it's like a switch flipped inside my MIL and she's been so difficult to deal with. She's always making snarky comments too. For example, when I asked her to get her nails done with me she said no because she thinks we bonded enough! My DH started to notice the comments and odd behavior and confronted his mom on his own (without me saying anything and without me there). My MIL played dumb and hasn't changed. She also told my DH that she thinks that I'm stealing her baby. But little does she know that the only reason why my DH calls her every week is because I remind him to call her and I'm the one that pushes him to visit her so I don't see how I'm stealing him. I encourage him to have a relationship with her.

It's to the point where I just let my DH do all of the communication with his mom. When we visit them, I am cordial and polite but have my guard up.

We received a Valentine's Day card in the mail from her and the front of the card says "It's wonderful to have a son and "daughter" just like you, because your both so thoughtful, and you're fun to be with too,". Am I reading too much into the quotation marks around daughter or is that typical on son and DIL cards?

OurWildKingdom · February 2017

I'm sorry your MIL's behavior towards you has changed. That really sucks. That said, I do think you're reading too much into the card.

I can can relate to in-laws who suddenly change their tune. Try not to take it personally; it took me years to figure out that my SIL doesn't like very many people, including herself.

Hugs!

OliveOilsMom · February 2017

Knottiebk said:

Hey Ladies,

This might not be the place to post this and if it's not, I'll remove my post. I got married last year to my DH. We've been together a total of 8 years so it wasn't exactly a new or quick relationship before we got married.

Before we got engaged, I had an amazing relationship with my MIL. However, once we got engaged 3 years ago, it's like a switch flipped inside my MIL and she's been so difficult to deal with. She's always making snarky comments too. For example, when I asked her to get her nails done with me she said no because she thinks we bonded enough! My DH started to notice the comments and odd behavior and confronted his mom on his own (without me saying anything and without me there). My MIL played dumb and hasn't changed. She also told my DH that she thinks that I'm stealing her baby. But little does she know that the only reason why my DH calls her every week is because I remind him to call her and I'm the one that pushes him to visit her so I don't see how I'm stealing him. I encourage him to have a relationship with her.

It's to the point where I just let my DH do all of the communication with his mom. When we visit them, I am cordial and polite but have my guard up.

We received a Valentine's Day card in the mail from her and the front of the card says "It's wonderful to have a son and "daughter" just like you, because your both so thoughtful, and you're fun to be with too,". Am I reading too much into the quotation marks around daughter or is that typical on son and DIL cards?

I too think you are reading too much into the card, but that is due to MILs past bad behavior has colored your view on her. I have seen many cards that have the quotes around either son or daughter, so it can be common.

What's really great is that your H is standing up for you. I think you need to keep doing what you are doing in terms of how you interact with her. I think you should also try to address her behavior head on when it occurs. When your MIL says something and H is there, he should call her out on it. "Mom, that wasn't very nice of you to say about W. Why would you say that?" And if MIL ever says anything about how you have stolen her baby, he needs to say "Mom, I'm an adult. There was nothing for W to steal. If this type of behavior continues towards W, this will only cause me to pull further away."

ernursej · February 2017

I'm a big believer in increasing communication. While blood talking to blood is usually best (and fantastic that your H is doing that) if the behaviour occurs while it is just you and MIL, I might suggest that you politely point it out. I don't think there is anything wrong with saying, "MIL, I feel like something has changed in our relationship and I'm really hoping that we can work together to make things better". If she says that you are stealing her baby, I might say "H will always be your son and it is so important that he spends time with you and you are in his life. I'm sorry that you feel like he is being pulled away. Is there something that I can do to reassure you that I'm not in H's life to pull him away from you."

That being said, if this doesn't go well or behaviour doesn't change then H needs to deal with it ... stronger than he did previously. Have him offer up examples of undesired behaviour and consequences for behaviour not changing.

Good luck!

lovesclimbing · February 2017

You're definitely reading too much into the card. It's not even something she wrote, it's preprinted! I think it's common to do it that way for the kid-in-law because they're not really the sender's child.

CMGragain · February 2017

My MIL was very much against our marriage, and was extremely difficult - until I presented her with her first grandchild after four years. Then everything changed, and she mended her ways. If children are in your future plans, this might just happen to you, too. If she doesn't reform, Grandma won't get to see the grandkids very often, will she?
I think the card was fine, and it was nice of her to send it.

Subwayloves · February 2017

I do think you're reading a bit much into the card, don't think it is abnormal to send a card with something like that, especially since it is a pre printed card.

However, I definitely understand why you'd think that way after past experiences with your MIL. I think it's good that your H talked to her, but if she says something specifically to you again, I would probably try to have a talk with her about it. Maybe just ask why she would say something like that, and let her know it does bother you when she says such things.

I generally have a good relationship with MIL, and I think she was actually happy I "took her baby away" because I got him out of her house haha. But sometimes she does say snarky things to me (like saying I'm "cheap" because we don't have cable or get everything we want when we're trying to pay off school loans

SP29 · February 2017

I do think you are reading too much into the card. Maybe different if she put the quotes in herself, but the card is pre-printed this way. I think it's nice she sent the card at all (sending valentines to other people is not something I'm accustomed to).

I think you have been wise so far in the way you handle her, but I do agree that if she says something to your face, you can address it directly. Saying something like, "Why would you say that?" is one the most simple yet pointed things you could say. It really turns the comment back on the speaker to make them think about what they meant and how they said it.

KnotYetTied · February 2017

Knottiebk said:

Hey Ladies,

This might not be the place to post this and if it's not, I'll remove my post. I got married last year to my DH. We've been together a total of 8 years so it wasn't exactly a new or quick relationship before we got married.

Before we got engaged, I had an amazing relationship with my MIL. However, once we got engaged 3 years ago, it's like a switch flipped inside my MIL and she's been so difficult to deal with. She's always making snarky comments too. For example, when I asked her to get her nails done with me she said no because she thinks we bonded enough! My DH started to notice the comments and odd behavior and confronted his mom on his own (without me saying anything and without me there). My MIL played dumb and hasn't changed. She also told my DH that she thinks that I'm stealing her baby. But little does she know that the only reason why my DH calls her every week is because I remind him to call her and I'm the one that pushes him to visit her so I don't see how I'm stealing him. I encourage him to have a relationship with her.

It's to the point where I just let my DH do all of the communication with his mom. When we visit them, I am cordial and polite but have my guard up.

We received a Valentine's Day card in the mail from her and the front of the card says "It's wonderful to have a son and "daughter" just like you, because your both so thoughtful, and you're fun to be with too,". Am I reading too much into the quotation marks around daughter or is that typical on son and DIL cards?

It looks like I'm the only one, but I agree that the card is tacky. She picked that one, and based on your past, it's not hard to imagine the quotes are the reason she did.

kahluakoala · February 2017

I agree - I think the card is tacky given the history. It's not rude enough where I think you need to address it, but I would roll my eyes if I received that.

redwoodoriginal · February 2017

FFS. The quotes are because she's not your actual mother and you're not her actual raised since a child daughter. It's a thoughtful card that to anyone else wouldn't be offended. I get why you are, but seriously. Let the card go. She's "mom" and your mom is Mom. Focus on the other shit, but this is not something to bitch about.

AddieCake · February 2017

You're reading way too much into it. Have a margarita and a cupcake and get on with your day.

debbeau · February 2017

My mother has sent cards like this over the years. She really likes my husband so I don't read anything into it. I have seen cards that say to my son and his wife. That I would side eye.

thisismynickname2 · February 2017

@Knottiebk
I received the exact same card from my MIL! LOL. It's just a card. Some say "son and daughter-in-law" while this one chose to go with "son and 'daughter'"- I actually see it as a compliment.

knottiej · February 2017

thisismynickname said:

@Knottiebk
I received the exact same card from my MIL! LOL. It's just a card. Some say "son and daughter-in-law" while this one chose to go with "son and 'daughter'"- I actually see it as a compliment.

I got this one too! I didn't even notice it, my MIL probably didn't realize either.

lovesclimbing · February 2017

thisismynickname said:

@Knottiebk
I received the exact same card from my MIL! LOL. It's just a card. Some say "son and daughter-in-law" while this one chose to go with "son and 'daughter'"- I actually see it as a compliment.

Ditto! I take it as a compliment when my MIL refers to me as her "daughter". She's done it several times. It's very sweet that she thinks of me as another daughter.

MIL Always Has to do Something

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