Wedding Party

Expecting too much from WP?

theknotsarahtheknotsarah member
10 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its
edited February 2017 in Wedding Party
It seems like no one in my wedding party cares about my wedding! I am wondering if I am expecting too much from them? What exactly should I expect them to do? Maybe I need to lower my expectations so that I am not disappointed.

For example, one of my bridesmaids asked me if I am having a shower. Wouldn't that be something that they are supposed to plan? Another asked me what we are doing at the bachelorette party and then was said "I guess it will be whatever the MOH plans." But, my MOH did not plan anything. She won't participate in the group chats we have going on facebook because she said there is "too much to follow."

I am not asking them for any help planning the wedding or anything like that, but for the other events I was under the impression that is what the wedding party usually does. I am just starting to feel like no one in my wedding party really cares!

Re: Expecting too much from WP?

  • Hey @theknotsarah it is considered rude on here to delete or edit your original post. It was quoted so everyone can see that it was edited anyway. Just letting you know.
    image
  • I think Im in the same boat as you! 

    I've come to realise that people will be excited a few weeks before, but they probably have other stuff going on. 

    It's hard because you want everyone to be excited but maybe they've been through this before, or maybe they're newbies to being a bridesmaid? 

    Try not to let it get you down! Just be happy that you'll have people there by your side on your special day.

    Also, my BM's weren't sorting out a bridal shower so I started to do it myself. 


  • Sorry, I didn't mean a bridal shower! I meant a bachelorette party. I spoke to my MOH and she is being treated for leukaemia, didn't know much of the guest list and she lives in Romania, so we agreed from the guest list point of view and travel arrangements it's easier that I plan things, and then she plans all the activities alongside the other BM's.

    I didn't think it was rude because it was mutually agreed. 

  • For example, one of my bridesmaids asked me if I am having a shower. Wouldn't that be something that they are supposed to plan? Another asked me what we are doing at the bachelorette party and then was said "I guess it will be whatever the MOH plans." But, my MOH did not plan anything. She won't participate in the group chats we have going on facebook because she said there is "too much to follow."
    1.  No, your WP is not responsible for planning any events for you.  It's nice if someone offers, but it's not an obligation.  And TBH, "whatever the MOH plans" comes off as really presumptuous if she hadn't already offered. 

    2.  If there is too much for her to keep up with in group chats, that is a sign that things may be getting out of hand.  I mean, if you have 9 attendants or something and everyone is replying, then it can be a little overwhelming even under normal circumstances.  But it's also possible that there is waaaaaay too much wedding chatter going on. 

    Since you say that it seems like your WP doesn't care, are you the one posting all of these messages?  If so, I would definitely step away for a while, at least as it relates to your wedding.  And if not, then it sounds like they're active regarding your wedding, so I'm not sure it's fair to say that they don't care. 
    OliveOilsMom
  • What exactly should I expect them to do? 
    You can expect them to buy a dress you picked out (in their budget) and to show up to the day's events in good spirits and sober. Literally that's the only "job" of someone in a wedding party. If they throw a party or get super involved in helping plan, that's a perk. Not something you should expect. 

    Remember, YOU are honoring THEM by asking them to stand by you when you say your vows. They are your guests of honor. 
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    InLoveInQueensCMGragainOurWildKingdomahoywedding
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    OP, you need a reality check. Your MOH has fucking LEUKEMIA and you are concerned about planning a fucking party and keeping up with a Facebook chat?! How selfish are you? JFC. Get some perspective in your life. 


    image
  • No no no... my BM is the troublesome one, not my MOH! I would NEVER expect anything from my MOH, she has offered! 
    charlotte989875
  • Sorry, I didn't mean a bridal shower! I meant a bachelorette party. I spoke to my MOH and she is being treated for leukaemia, didn't know much of the guest list and she lives in Romania, so we agreed from the guest list point of view and travel arrangements it's easier that I plan things, and then she plans all the activities alongside the other BM's.

    I didn't think it was rude because it was mutually agreed. 


    Just so I am clear here, you are frustrated that your MOH/ best friend not participating in FB group chats about your bachelorette party when being treated for leukaemia?!


    I think the PP with the MOH with leukemia (@Knottie1454342962) and the OP (@theknotsarah) are two separate posters.  Not that it excuses KnottieNumbers, just that she is someone else.
    flantasticOliveOilsMom
  • Heffalump said:
    Sorry, I didn't mean a bridal shower! I meant a bachelorette party. I spoke to my MOH and she is being treated for leukaemia, didn't know much of the guest list and she lives in Romania, so we agreed from the guest list point of view and travel arrangements it's easier that I plan things, and then she plans all the activities alongside the other BM's.

    I didn't think it was rude because it was mutually agreed. 


    Just so I am clear here, you are frustrated that your MOH/ best friend not participating in FB group chats about your bachelorette party when being treated for leukaemia?!


    I think the PP with the MOH with leukemia (@Knottie1454342962) and the OP (@theknotsarah) are two separate posters.  Not that it excuses KnottieNumbers, just that she is someone else.
    Yep, different people! But just to be clear, I would NEVER expect that from my MOH, it's my BM that is being problematic. I was VERY clear by saying just my MOH turning up is enough for me. 
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Heffalump said:
    Sorry, I didn't mean a bridal shower! I meant a bachelorette party. I spoke to my MOH and she is being treated for leukaemia, didn't know much of the guest list and she lives in Romania, so we agreed from the guest list point of view and travel arrangements it's easier that I plan things, and then she plans all the activities alongside the other BM's.

    I didn't think it was rude because it was mutually agreed. 


    Just so I am clear here, you are frustrated that your MOH/ best friend not participating in FB group chats about your bachelorette party when being treated for leukaemia?!


    I think the PP with the MOH with leukemia (@Knottie1454342962) and the OP (@theknotsarah) are two separate posters.  Not that it excuses KnottieNumbers, just that she is someone else.
    Yep, different people! But just to be clear, I would NEVER expect that from my MOH, it's my BM that is being problematic. I was VERY clear by saying just my MOH turning up is enough for me. 
    OK, that makes so much more sense! Apologies for getting the two confused.

    But that still doesn't mean you should be helping out planning your own hen do... 


    InLoveInQueens
  • Heffalump said:
    Sorry, I didn't mean a bridal shower! I meant a bachelorette party. I spoke to my MOH and she is being treated for leukaemia, didn't know much of the guest list and she lives in Romania, so we agreed from the guest list point of view and travel arrangements it's easier that I plan things, and then she plans all the activities alongside the other BM's.

    I didn't think it was rude because it was mutually agreed. 


    Just so I am clear here, you are frustrated that your MOH/ best friend not participating in FB group chats about your bachelorette party when being treated for leukaemia?!


    I think the PP with the MOH with leukemia (@Knottie1454342962) and the OP (@theknotsarah) are two separate posters.  Not that it excuses KnottieNumbers, just that she is someone else.
    Yep, different people! But just to be clear, I would NEVER expect that from my MOH, it's my BM that is being problematic. I was VERY clear by saying just my MOH turning up is enough for me. 
    OK, that makes so much more sense! Apologies for getting the two confused.

    But that still doesn't mean you should be helping out planning your own hen do... 


    Do you think it's a cultural thing? 

    I'm based in the UK and have seen that it's acceptable to be involved: https://thelittlegreenstudio.com/blogs/news/17769576-your-hen-party-5-things-you-need-to-do-as-the-bride
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited February 2017
    Heffalump said:
    Sorry, I didn't mean a bridal shower! I meant a bachelorette party. I spoke to my MOH and she is being treated for leukaemia, didn't know much of the guest list and she lives in Romania, so we agreed from the guest list point of view and travel arrangements it's easier that I plan things, and then she plans all the activities alongside the other BM's.

    I didn't think it was rude because it was mutually agreed. 


    Just so I am clear here, you are frustrated that your MOH/ best friend not participating in FB group chats about your bachelorette party when being treated for leukaemia?!


    I think the PP with the MOH with leukemia (@Knottie1454342962) and the OP (@theknotsarah) are two separate posters.  Not that it excuses KnottieNumbers, just that she is someone else.
    Yep, different people! But just to be clear, I would NEVER expect that from my MOH, it's my BM that is being problematic. I was VERY clear by saying just my MOH turning up is enough for me. 
    OK, that makes so much more sense! Apologies for getting the two confused.

    But that still doesn't mean you should be helping out planning your own hen do... 


    Do you think it's a cultural thing? 

    I'm based in the UK and have seen that it's acceptable to be involved: https://thelittlegreenstudio.com/blogs/news/17769576-your-hen-party-5-things-you-need-to-do-as-the-bride
    I'm British. It is considered rude here to plan your own hen party.  Never trust a blog that is trying to sell you things. A hen-do is a gift given to you by your bridesmaids. You should have no involvement.

    Also, just because you say you are UK based (and that doesn't necessarily mean British), in the UK the bride must pay for the BM dresses (just an FYI in case you weren't aware). 
    OliveOilsMom
  • Heffalump said:
    Sorry, I didn't mean a bridal shower! I meant a bachelorette party. I spoke to my MOH and she is being treated for leukaemia, didn't know much of the guest list and she lives in Romania, so we agreed from the guest list point of view and travel arrangements it's easier that I plan things, and then she plans all the activities alongside the other BM's.

    I didn't think it was rude because it was mutually agreed. 


    Just so I am clear here, you are frustrated that your MOH/ best friend not participating in FB group chats about your bachelorette party when being treated for leukaemia?!


    I think the PP with the MOH with leukemia (@Knottie1454342962) and the OP (@theknotsarah) are two separate posters.  Not that it excuses KnottieNumbers, just that she is someone else.
    Yep, different people! But just to be clear, I would NEVER expect that from my MOH, it's my BM that is being problematic. I was VERY clear by saying just my MOH turning up is enough for me. 
    OK, that makes so much more sense! Apologies for getting the two confused.

    But that still doesn't mean you should be helping out planning your own hen do... 


    Do you think it's a cultural thing? 

    I'm based in the UK and have seen that it's acceptable to be involved: https://thelittlegreenstudio.com/blogs/news/17769576-your-hen-party-5-things-you-need-to-do-as-the-bride
    I'm British. It is considered rude here to plan your own hen party.  Never trust a blog that is trying to sell you things. A hen-do is a gift given to you by your bridesmaids. You should have no involvement.

    Also, just because you say you are UK based (and that doesn't necessarily mean British), in the UK the bride must pay for the BM dresses (just an FYI in case you weren't aware). 
    Yes I'm aware. I have bought them already. 
  • Heffalump said:
    Sorry, I didn't mean a bridal shower! I meant a bachelorette party. I spoke to my MOH and she is being treated for leukaemia, didn't know much of the guest list and she lives in Romania, so we agreed from the guest list point of view and travel arrangements it's easier that I plan things, and then she plans all the activities alongside the other BM's.

    I didn't think it was rude because it was mutually agreed. 


    Just so I am clear here, you are frustrated that your MOH/ best friend not participating in FB group chats about your bachelorette party when being treated for leukaemia?!


    I think the PP with the MOH with leukemia (@Knottie1454342962) and the OP (@theknotsarah) are two separate posters.  Not that it excuses KnottieNumbers, just that she is someone else.
    Yep, different people! But just to be clear, I would NEVER expect that from my MOH, it's my BM that is being problematic. I was VERY clear by saying just my MOH turning up is enough for me. 
    OK, that makes so much more sense! Apologies for getting the two confused.

    But that still doesn't mean you should be helping out planning your own hen do... 


    Do you think it's a cultural thing? 

    I'm based in the UK and have seen that it's acceptable to be involved: https://thelittlegreenstudio.com/blogs/news/17769576-your-hen-party-5-things-you-need-to-do-as-the-bride
    I'm British. It is considered rude here to plan your own hen party.  Never trust a blog that is trying to sell you things. A hen-do is a gift given to you by your bridesmaids. You should have no involvement.

    Also, just because you say you are UK based (and that doesn't necessarily mean British), in the UK the bride must pay for the BM dresses (just an FYI in case you weren't aware). 
    Curious, as I'm an American, do brides always buy the BMs dresses, and do BMs typically have a choice/say in the dress? I like this option a whole lot better than how we do things, TBH. 
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    LondonLisa said:
    LondonLisa said:
    Heffalump said:
    LondonLisa said:
    Sorry, I didn't mean a bridal shower! I meant a bachelorette party. I spoke to my MOH and she is being treated for leukaemia, didn't know much of the guest list and she lives in Romania, so we agreed from the guest list point of view and travel arrangements it's easier that I plan things, and then she plans all the activities alongside the other BM's.

    I didn't think it was rude because it was mutually agreed. 


    Just so I am clear here, you are frustrated that your MOH/ best friend not participating in FB group chats about your bachelorette party when being treated for leukaemia?!


    I think the PP with the MOH with leukemia (@Knottie1454342962) and the OP (@theknotsarah) are two separate posters.  Not that it excuses KnottieNumbers, just that she is someone else.
    Yep, different people! But just to be clear, I would NEVER expect that from my MOH, it's my BM that is being problematic. I was VERY clear by saying just my MOH turning up is enough for me. 
    OK, that makes so much more sense! Apologies for getting the two confused.

    But that still doesn't mean you should be helping out planning your own hen do... 


    Do you think it's a cultural thing? 

    I'm based in the UK and have seen that it's acceptable to be involved: https://thelittlegreenstudio.com/blogs/news/17769576-your-hen-party-5-things-you-need-to-do-as-the-bride
    I'm British. It is considered rude here to plan your own hen party.  Never trust a blog that is trying to sell you things. A hen-do is a gift given to you by your bridesmaids. You should have no involvement. 

    Also, just because you say you are UK based (and that doesn't necessarily mean British), in the UK the bride must pay for the BM dresses (just an FYI in case you weren't aware). 
    Curious, as I'm an American, do brides always buy the BMs dresses, and do BMs typically have a choice/say in the dress? I like this option a whole lot better than how we do things, TBH. 
    I'm not sure how it's done in America, but every wedding I have been in, we went and tried on dresses together and the bride would have a general idea of colour/look. Then we would say what we would prefer, but ultimately it was up to the bride. All of my friends took into account my preference, but as I wasn't buying it and it was their wedding, I really didn't mind what I wore. But I am sure there are some brides who say 'you are wearing X'. 

    Personally, I really don't like the American system- it seems rather presumptuous. I think it only works if you say 'get any black/red/pink/green etc dress'.
    charlotte989875cowgirl8238short+sassy
  • I wouldn't be offended if someone threw their own bachelorette party (assuming she didn't send me a bill for my part of the party).  I feel like that is a "party" without any gift giving involved, as long as the bride to be foots the bill.

  • It seems like no one in my wedding party cares about my wedding! I am wondering if I am expecting too much from them? What exactly should I expect them to do? Maybe I need to lower my expectations so that I am not disappointed.

    For example, one of my bridesmaids asked me if I am having a shower. Wouldn't that be something that they are supposed to plan? Another asked me what we are doing at the bachelorette party and then was said "I guess it will be whatever the MOH plans." But, my MOH did not plan anything. She won't participate in the group chats we have going on facebook because she said there is "too much to follow."

    I am not asking them for any help planning the wedding or anything like that, but for the other events I was under the impression that is what the wedding party usually does. I am just starting to feel like no one in my wedding party really cares!
    Your WP is not required to do anything except show up on time to your ceremony in the agreed upon attire. Anyone can host a shower or B-party for you, the host does not have to be in the WP.

    I am thinking though, when your BMs asked about the shower/B-party, they may have been fishing to see if anything has been planned for you yet or not. If they ask you about it again, simply say, "No one has offered to host a shower/ plan a B-party". They may assume your MOH is doing it (even though she isn't required to), or that perhaps your Mom or other family member is hosting a shower.
    OurWildKingdom
  • Ro041 said:
    I wouldn't be offended if someone threw their own bachelorette party (assuming she didn't send me a bill for my part of the party).  I feel like that is a "party" without any gift giving involved, as long as the bride to be foots the bill.
    The bachelorette party is given to honor the bride.  It would be very rude for the bride to give a party, basically saying, "Come and honor me!"
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • CMGragain said:
    Ro041 said:
    I wouldn't be offended if someone threw their own bachelorette party (assuming she didn't send me a bill for my part of the party).  I feel like that is a "party" without any gift giving involved, as long as the bride to be foots the bill.
    The bachelorette party is given to honor the bride.  It would be very rude for the bride to give a party, basically saying, "Come and honor me!"
    I understand your reasoning (it was mentioned by a PP).  I am simply saying I would not be offended.  

    short+sassyKnottie1454342962
  • I told my bridesmaids they could pick out any dress they would like as long as it's the right color.  

    My maid of honor not only never responds to the group message chat (which maybe has a few messages every couple weeks, nothing hard to keep up with), she never responds to my private messages. She must have a lot going on in her own life but I wouldn't know since she hasn't said anything.

    My fiance's best man planned a joint-bachelor/bachelorette party since my MOH doesn't seem responsive. I am not sure if she is going to show up or not. One of my bridesmaid's asked me what we were doing during the party and was like "I guess it will be whatever the MOH plans," although she knows the MOH hasn't planned anything thus far so I am not sure why she would expect that! 

    OK I guess that is normal then, after reading your responses, all they need to do is show up and the wedding and it should be cool. Hopefully my MOH gets a dress.
  • I told my bridesmaids they could pick out any dress they would like as long as it's the right color.  

    My maid of honor not only never responds to the group message chat (which maybe has a few messages every couple weeks, nothing hard to keep up with), she never responds to my private messages. She must have a lot going on in her own life but I wouldn't know since she hasn't said anything.

    My fiance's best man planned a joint-bachelor/bachelorette party since my MOH doesn't seem responsive. I am not sure if she is going to show up or not. One of my bridesmaid's asked me what we were doing during the party and was like "I guess it will be whatever the MOH plans," although she knows the MOH hasn't planned anything thus far so I am not sure why she would expect that! 

    OK I guess that is normal then, after reading your responses, all they need to do is show up and the wedding and it should be cool. Hopefully my MOH gets a dress.
    But your MOH doesn't have to be responsive. And you shouldn't have told your BM that it's whatever your MOH plans, because she isn't responsible for planning and has not offered to plan anything. You're putting your MOH in a bad light with the rest of your bridal party when she doesn't need to be. The BM would only think your MOH is planning something because YOU said "whatever the MOH plans"- you have said she is planning something. If you had said, "I don't know, no one has offered to plan anything" then maybe your BM would choose to offer to plan something.

    I would reach out to your MOH as a friend, and leave the wedding out of it. The only thing she needs to know is the wedding date and location and the dress colour. She will either show up on time in an appropriate outfit, or she won't.
    charlotte989875
  • I think you mis-read.... I did NOT say it was "whatever the MOH plans"... that is what the other bridesmaid said. I said I was surprised the bridesmaid would assume that since my MOH isn't into planning.
  • Also, I do think the MOH does have to be responsive. If she didn't want to be involved she could have told me that she didn't have time or didn't want to... but to ignore all of my messages is pretty rude on her part. It's basic planning such as if she wants me to have her hair/make up done, what color the dress needs to be, etc. She SHOULD be responding to that in my opinion because she agreed to be in the wedding.

    As far as planning anything for me herself, I don't think she needs to do that. Now I have lowered my expectations. But I do think she could at least courteously respond about basic wedding party details.
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