how to ask a bridesmaid to change her shoes

penguinpop · February 2017

When I initially met with one of my bridesmaids last month (a relative of my future hubby whom I like quite a bit) I said I wasn't too particular about what shoes my bridesmaids wore. She exclaimed that the shoe color HAD to match and came up with a color that all the bridesmaids should wear. She seemed pretty adamant about it and insisted this was very important so I said OK and immediately texted all the other bridesmaids to tell them we were going with the color suggested by the relative.

Fast forward to now, she texts me a photo of the shoes she got for the occasion and they are NOT in the color she insisted upon. All the other bridesmaids have since gotten their shoes in the color. I don't really care, but I think this relative will care quite a bit if her shoes don't match everyone elses. I don't want her to feel embarrassed or upset her at all.

How do I ask her politely or let her know that we are going with a different shoe color?

flantastic · February 2017

penguinpop said:

When I initially met with one of my bridesmaids last month (a relative of my future hubby whom I like quite a bit) I said I wasn't too particular about what shoes my bridesmaids wore. She exclaimed that the shoe color HAD to match and came up with a color that all the bridesmaids should wear. She seemed pretty adamant about it and insisted this was very important so I said OK and immediately texted all the other bridesmaids to tell them we were going with the color suggested by the relative.

Fast forward to now, she texts me a photo of the shoes she got for the occasion and they are NOT in the color she insisted upon. All the other bridesmaids have since gotten their shoes in the color. I don't really care, but I think this relative will care quite a bit if her shoes don't match everyone elses. I don't want her to feel embarrassed or upset her at all.

How do I ask her politely or let her know that we are going with a different shoe color?

What? Your first mistake was telling your bridesmaids they all needed to do something that only she cared about. I really hope the color wasn't something obnoxious that the girls will never wear again.

I'd just say "Those are cute! You'll look great in them. But hadn't you said all the BMs should wear black shoes? I know Sally, Jane, and Tina all got black shoes." Ball is then in her court. She doesn't have to change her shoes, but if you truly think she'll care, then she can make the decision to change or not.

climbingsingle · February 2017

I'm so confused. What color did she suggest and what color did she end up getting?

Seriously, no one is going to be looking at your BM's shoes. I don't know why she cares that much. How odd.

penguinpop · February 2017

The insisted-upon color is silver.

Everyone else liked the color and thought it could go with anything and loved the excuse to buy new shoes.

I didn't mind the suggestion too much since a few of the other bridesmaids had wanted to match shoes (or suggested matching shoe clips or other weird things). I'm not a shoe person but this seemed to be something they all cared about.

I'm with you - I think it's weird and I didn't think anyone else will care at all.

The one bridesmaid in question got pink shoes.

climbingsingle · February 2017

So, if I'm following, she insisted that everyone have silver shoes. And then she went out and got a pink shoe?

Just let it go. I wouldn't say a word about it TBH.

kahluakoala · February 2017

flantastic said:

penguinpop said:

When I initially met with one of my bridesmaids last month (a relative of my future hubby whom I like quite a bit) I said I wasn't too particular about what shoes my bridesmaids wore. She exclaimed that the shoe color HAD to match and came up with a color that all the bridesmaids should wear. She seemed pretty adamant about it and insisted this was very important so I said OK and immediately texted all the other bridesmaids to tell them we were going with the color suggested by the relative.

Fast forward to now, she texts me a photo of the shoes she got for the occasion and they are NOT in the color she insisted upon. All the other bridesmaids have since gotten their shoes in the color. I don't really care, but I think this relative will care quite a bit if her shoes don't match everyone elses. I don't want her to feel embarrassed or upset her at all.

How do I ask her politely or let her know that we are going with a different shoe color?

What? Your first mistake was telling your bridesmaids they all needed to do something that only she cared about. I really hope the color wasn't something obnoxious that the girls will never wear again.

I'd just say "Those are cute! You'll look great in them. But hadn't you said all the BMs should wear black shoes? I know Sally, Jane, and Tina all got black shoes." Ball is then in her court. She doesn't have to change her shoes, but if you truly think she'll care, then she can make the decision to change or not.

I think the bolded is very good advice. It seems like very strange behavior to me, but if you think she'll care than at least let her know. Don't demand anything though, since you didn't care in the first place. Out of curiosity, are the dresses short?

I also agree that I would not be put off if I were asked to wear a silver shoe (or black, nude, anything else neutral-ish that I legitimately might already have or could wear again) but I would be put off if you asked me to get like, a pink shoe or cowboy boots or something like that

penguinpop · February 2017

climbingwife said:

So, if I'm following, she insisted that everyone have silver shoes. And then she went out and got a pink shoe?

Just let it go. I wouldn't say a word about it TBH.

Yes, you follow correctly. So weird.

penguinpop · February 2017

KahluaKoala said:

I think the bolded is very good advice. It seems like very strange behavior to me, but if you think she'll care than at least let her know. Don't demand anything though, since you didn't care in the first place. Out of curiosity, are the dresses short?

I also agree that I would not be put off if I were asked to wear a silver shoe (or black, nude, anything else neutral-ish that I legitimately might already have or could wear again) but I would be put off if you asked me to get like, a pink shoe or cowboy boots or something like that

Yes the dresses are short. I also think it's strange.

mandypants90 · February 2017

Odd. I'm the kind of person who would probably say like the above, "Oh hey, those are really cute! But I thought you really wanted to have everyone wear silver". See what her reaction is. If she doesn't care, I'd tell the other girls they can keep the shoes they bought, or if they'd rather wear something else, feel free to do so.
I get it. I had one bridesmaid -insist- on a certain type of shoe, and I said whatever cool, and she bought something way different *rolls eyes* that was like 4 times the price. I don't understand people sometimes, but for real, shoes won't be in hardly any pictures, and you won't remember what they had on anyways. If she really wants those shoes, I'd say just let it go, especially if she really loves the shoes. Good luck to her trying to find something to wear pink shoes with again!

downtondiva · February 2017

As weird as it is that she insisted on silver shoes and then got pink ones (and that she was dictating the shoes in the first place), this is not a hill worth dying on. You didn't really care what shoes your bridesmaids wore anyway, so I'd say just let it go. People get weirdly sensitive about weddings, even the smallest details, and this isn't worth potentially arguing about with someone you like overall.

But needless to say, don't take any more suggestions she makes about the wedding too seriously!

STARMOON44 · February 2017

I'd tell her no. "Remember you insisted everyone else buy silver shoes? So. No. You cannot wear pink, you need to get silver."

this was her plan!

banana468 · February 2017

STARMOON44 said:

I'd tell her no. "Remember you insisted everyone else buy silver shoes? So. No. You cannot wear pink, you need to get silver."

this was her plan!

I was going to say the same thing.

Maybe it's because I haven't felt like trusting a lot since January 20th but I'd find it highly suspicious that the one person who said silver and got everyone to agree to the color picked a different color that would mean that she'd stand out and be different.

Is it a big deal in the grand scheme of things? No. But I'd call bullshit on it.

kahluakoala · February 2017

banana468 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I'd tell her no. "Remember you insisted everyone else buy silver shoes? So. No. You cannot wear pink, you need to get silver."

this was her plan!

I was going to say the same thing.

Maybe it's because I haven't felt like trusting a lot since January 20th but I'd find it highly suspicious that the one person who said silver and got everyone to agree to the color picked a different color that would mean that she'd stand out and be different.

Is it a big deal in the grand scheme of things? No. But I'd call bullshit on it.

I had the same thought! Smells fishy. A big deal? no. But odd behavior? Yes.

mandypants90 · February 2017

banana468 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I'd tell her no. "Remember you insisted everyone else buy silver shoes? So. No. You cannot wear pink, you need to get silver."

this was her plan!

I was going to say the same thing.

Maybe it's because I haven't felt like trusting a lot since January 20th but I'd find it highly suspicious that the one person who said silver and got everyone to agree to the color picked a different color that would mean that she'd stand out and be different.

Is it a big deal in the grand scheme of things? No. But I'd call bullshit on it.

That was my first thought reading this actually. It'd take someone pretty nefarious. But if they were that schemey to think all that up, I'd think that fighting them on this would not be the hill I wanted to die on.

sparklepants41 · February 2017

banana468 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I'd tell her no. "Remember you insisted everyone else buy silver shoes? So. No. You cannot wear pink, you need to get silver."

this was her plan!

I was going to say the same thing.

Maybe it's because I haven't felt like trusting a lot since January 20th but I'd find it highly suspicious that the one person who said silver and got everyone to agree to the color picked a different color that would mean that she'd stand out and be different.

Is it a big deal in the grand scheme of things? No. But I'd call bullshit on it.

I had the exact same thought, but chalked it up to my naturally cynical nature.

levioosa · February 2017

I was in a wedding where one of the bridesmaids became a bridesmaidzilla. She was obsessed with matching and getting the same shoes and a bunch of other shit. The bride chose a color for a dress (that was literally the only stipulation for the dress), then that bridesmaid went and bought a dress in a completely different color saying it was hard to find the chosen color because of her size. Here's the kicker....the dress she bought CAME IN THE COLOR THE BRIDE CHOSE (and in her size, too). She just decided to get another color because she liked it more. I couldn't believe it. So the bride ended up changing her entire color scheme for the wedding because the bridesmaid guilted her saying she couldn't return the dress (also a lie). She was such a bitch. She also bitched the whole day of the wedding. It was so annoying.

Ro041 · February 2017

Maybe she's color blind and legit thought the pink was silver?

Jen4948 · February 2017

Is there a chance that she knowingly did this because she wanted her feet to look different from everyone else's for some reason?

I would either let it go or tell her, "Look, you insisted that everyone choose shoes of a specific color and everyone accommodated you. You don't get to have it both ways. You have two options: Either you get silver shoes like everyone else or you reimburse the other bridesmaids for the cost of the shoes you demanded they get while they wear whatever shoes they like. But you insisting on silver shoes for everyone else while getting yourself different shoes is not an option."

AddieCake · February 2017

I would tell her it's fine but would also ask why she changed her shoe color after insisting everyone needed to wear silver. And please report back what her answer is b/c I'd like to know.

SP29 · February 2017

Jen4948 said:

Is there a chance that she knowingly did this because she wanted her feet to look different from everyone else's for some reason?

I would either let it go or tell her, "Look, you insisted that everyone choose shoes of a specific color and everyone accommodated you. You don't get to have it both ways. You have two options: Either you get silver shoes like everyone else or you reimburse the other bridesmaids for the cost of the shoes you demanded they get while they wear whatever shoes they like. But you insisting on silver shoes for everyone else while getting yourself different shoes is not an option."

I agree with this. While it's no big deal this BM is wearing pink shoes, as another BM, I might be pissed if I had to go out and buy a pair of shoes to find out that another BM wore whatever shoes she wanted.

I would tell this bridesmaid, "You are the one who insisted on silver shoes, and that is what everyone else bought. It would be pretty unfair for you to wear whatever you want after demanding all the BMs match. Please get silver shoes".

Or, if this all happened recently, tell your other BMs ASAP so they have the option to return the shoes they bought if they want.

AddieCake said:

I would tell her it's fine but would also ask why she changed her shoe color after insisting everyone needed to wear silver. And please report back what her answer is b/c I'd like to know.

I also want to know too!

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