These people should not be together.

mrsconn23 · March 2017

Dear Prudence,
I have trust issues and I think I always will. Every male member of my family has cheated on their wives and most of the people I date have too. I am very aware of this and communicate it to those I’m with. I had been doing much better about trusting my fiancé and not touching his phone—it had been months since I tried to look at it. I thought we were happy. I moved with my kids to Wyoming so we could live together near his work, and we got engaged. Then he got called back to the oilfield, which requires him to live away from us half the time. I supported this because I knew it was the best financial decision for us, and he said it would only be another 12 to 18 months; then we could start our family.

After the first two weeks away, he came back saying this posting would be permanent. I struggled with this, and we had some of our first big fights in two years. I finally agreed, but I had this nagging feeling that things weren’t OK. He acted so differently this past week. I looked at his phone and he’d texted someone to say he was coming home to end things. He said some of the meanest things about me and my kids. He said that he didn’t want me to be the mother of his children and that mine were going to grow up to be horrible, that I was lazy, etc. I went straight to him and told him what I had done and found. Now he’s upset and finally wants to open up emotionally. I know people vent, and I know I was wrong to look, and I know we are all imperfect—but am I a doormat if I forgive this? I’m not even sure I could even ever get over it.

—Went Through His Phone

Heffalump · March 2017

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,
I have trust issues and I think I always will. Every male member of my family has cheated on their wives and most of the people I date have too. I am very aware of this and communicate it to those I’m with. I had been doing much better about trusting my fiancé and not touching his phone—it had been months since I tried to look at it. I thought we were happy. I moved with my kids to Wyoming so we could live together near his work, and we got engaged. Then he got called back to the oilfield, which requires him to live away from us half the time. I supported this because I knew it was the best financial decision for us, and he said it would only be another 12 to 18 months; then we could start our family.
After the first two weeks away, he came back saying this posting would be permanent. I struggled with this, and we had some of our first big fights in two years. I finally agreed, but I had this nagging feeling that things weren’t OK. He acted so differently this past week. I looked at his phone and he’d texted someone to say he was coming home to end things. He said some of the meanest things about me and my kids. He said that he didn’t want me to be the mother of his children and that mine were going to grow up to be horrible, that I was lazy, etc. I went straight to him and told him what I had done and found. Now he’s upset and finally wants to open up emotionally. I know people vent, and I know I was wrong to look, and I know we are all imperfect—but am I a doormat if I forgive this? I’m not even sure I could even ever get over it.
—Went Through His Phone

I really think a lot of these people need to achieve some agency in their own lives. Especially the phone snooping thing. I read this in DP a lot, and people always say "I had a feeling things weren't right" or "we were fighting a lot" or whatever.

People: if a relationship is not working for you, you don't need proof that you're allowed to end it. In the absence of alarming texts or mean spirited comments about you and your children, you are allowed to end a relationship because you feel that you fight too much. Or because you don't trust each other. Or because he's going to be out of state 6 months out of every year.

Maybe I'm overthinking this, but it's like the default is supposed to be that you're with some guy, and you need reams of supporting evidence if you want to change that.

Image result for when someone shows you who they are believe them maya angelou quote

VarunaTT · March 2017

I think our culture holds relationships in too much esteem. There's too much pressure put on being a couple and how long you've been a couple, and how cute you are, blah, blah, blah.

At this point, I think not everyone deserves a relationship, not everyone deserves a good relationship, your relationship shouldn't complete you, make you better, or uplift you...but everyone does deserve and should have a relationship that doesn't make you smaller or pull you down. And if those 2 things can't happen, don't have one. People are just so afraid, for myriad of reasons, to be alone.

EDIT: So, what I'm saying is LW needs to leave the douche, feel good about it, and maybe work on themselves and their trust issues first rather than trying to find a relationship that works w/their trust issues.

charlotte989875 · March 2017

Seriously, no. There are some things that are not okay to say, even in a vent to a friend. If that's what this was for the LW, then better to know now than after the wedding.

Side note: Wondering how/when the LW tells potential partners everyone in her family has cheated? Is it a third date conversation, "So Date, just FYI I have major trust issues and every man in my family has cheated on their partners and I can't separate my own personal life from their problems. Red or white for the table?"

MissKittyDanger · March 2017

@charlotte989875 I'm guessing it's a slow conversation. Dropping situations here and there. Being honest in the beginning of trust issues, but not getting into details is my guess.

Tbh I feel bad for LW. She's going into every relationship expecting the worst and eventually being right. {not like I want her to be fyi}
I think LW needs therapy/counseling before getting into next relationship to better cope with trust issues and past situations. Not just for herself, but for her kids so they can learn you can break the pattern.

levioosa · March 2017

This is actually really sad. I'm sure LW had parts to play in the deterioration of the relationship, and I'm sure her trust issues did hurt what might have started off as a good relationship, but man.

charlotte989875 · March 2017

MissKittyDanger said:

@charlotte989875 I'm guessing it's a slow conversation. Dropping situations here and there. Being honest in the beginning of trust issues, but not getting into details is my guess.

Tbh I feel bad for LW. She's going into every relationship expecting the worst and eventually being right. {not like I want her to be fyi}
I think LW needs therapy/counseling before getting into next relationship to better cope with trust issues and past situations. Not just for herself, but for her kids so they can learn you can break the pattern.

Fair enough, I'm being a little snarky. And guy sounds like an ass.

But I do wonder how much/if any is on the LW. She's going into every relationship expecting to be treated badly, then when that's the case her trust issues are confirmed. Obviously it's not on her how other people act, but nothing ever changes if you don't change your behavior.

"I have trust issues and always will", only if you refuse to do something about it.

short+sassy · March 2017

This woman needs to leave and fast. It doesn't say how long they have been together. Especially how long they have been in WY, where she moved for him. But I find it telling that, just two weeks into his living away from her, he is already disparaging her, HER KIDS, and talking about leaving her. Those are really bad signs, to put it mildly.

Add to that, she is an insecure, untrusting person in her relationships. He was already talking about leaving her after only two weeks apart. If she stays with him, she is going to be spending weeks on end wondering "is he coming back?" Every single time he goes out to the oilfields. That's crazy-making right there. Nobody needs that kind of constant stress and worrying in their life. Especially not a mother who's first responsibility needs to be raising her children.

Like some other PPs have mentioned, it's sad that there are a lot of people who seem to go through life feeling like they HAVE to be in a relationship. No. No. No. It's best for people to be confident and happy in their own person, whether in a relationship or not. Than it is to be with the wrong person, only because someone is scared to be alone.

These people should not be together.

Re: These people should not be together.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards