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Wedding Etiquette Forum
KnickerGold
member
RSVP'd yes...but now don't want to go
DH's high school friend is getting married in about 6 weeks, about 3.5 hours from our home. This friend and his fiancee came to our home a few weeks ago and 'crashed' as they put it- telling us they were coming to town, asking for hotel suggestions then when showing up for dinner had their bags with them...
Anyway, oddly enough, the guy was wearing a wedding band. He said, when DH asked that he was 'practicing'. He also mentioned it two to three more times while they were in town- odd, but whatever.
Their wedding happens to be the weekend before my finals week, so I was hesitant about going, but agreed with DH that I would go, as long as I was allowed to skip the rehearsal dinner and 'day of' activities (going to ceremony and reception, but there are activities all day that we are 'requested to join')
WE got their invite last week, and I promptly filled it out and returned it, knowing how hard it was to get rsvp's back for my own wedding!
Well, today, a week after I sent in my RSVP- they made an announcement on FB that they're *surprise* already married! Have been for about 6 months, they just decided it would be fun to surprise everyone AT the wedding but *couldn't wait* But not to worry, they're still having their "wedding" ceremony and reception.
Look, I know it's horribly rude to say Yes, and then say No, but we're still 3 weeks out from the cutoff and I really would prefer to stay home if I'm not *actually* going to a wedding. Plus, the whole crashing at our house/lying to us about being married thing is kinda annoying. Plus saving $500 in hotels, $100 on clothes and $100 in gas would be super! Horribly rude of me to change my RSVP?
Because y'all will ask- DH considers him a 'good friend' but I had never met him/barely heard of him the first 4 years of our relationship. So much so, that he didn't remember to put him on the invite list until someone else asked if he was coming... So we're not exactly 'close' with them.
Thanks!
Anyway, oddly enough, the guy was wearing a wedding band. He said, when DH asked that he was 'practicing'. He also mentioned it two to three more times while they were in town- odd, but whatever.
Their wedding happens to be the weekend before my finals week, so I was hesitant about going, but agreed with DH that I would go, as long as I was allowed to skip the rehearsal dinner and 'day of' activities (going to ceremony and reception, but there are activities all day that we are 'requested to join')
WE got their invite last week, and I promptly filled it out and returned it, knowing how hard it was to get rsvp's back for my own wedding!
Well, today, a week after I sent in my RSVP- they made an announcement on FB that they're *surprise* already married! Have been for about 6 months, they just decided it would be fun to surprise everyone AT the wedding but *couldn't wait* But not to worry, they're still having their "wedding" ceremony and reception.
Look, I know it's horribly rude to say Yes, and then say No, but we're still 3 weeks out from the cutoff and I really would prefer to stay home if I'm not *actually* going to a wedding. Plus, the whole crashing at our house/lying to us about being married thing is kinda annoying. Plus saving $500 in hotels, $100 on clothes and $100 in gas would be super! Horribly rude of me to change my RSVP?
Because y'all will ask- DH considers him a 'good friend' but I had never met him/barely heard of him the first 4 years of our relationship. So much so, that he didn't remember to put him on the invite list until someone else asked if he was coming... So we're not exactly 'close' with them.
Thanks!
Re: RSVP'd yes...but now don't want to go
A simple reminder, 1) People do not like being lied to... and 2) Very rarely is a PPD well received...
just wanted to know *how* horrible it would be to switch my rsvp
It is the truth, isn't it? Don't make excuses.
They changed the rules when they announced that they were already married. You can now decline, respectfully.
They don't need to know that the thing that came up was their giant lie!
I personally wouldn't bother calling. I second the advice to send a combo congrats/decline note in the mail.
Let them know as soon as possible that you are no longer able to attend. You do not have to give any reason.
I would call (or have your DH call) and tell them that "something came up and you (either you or both of you) will no longer be able to attend." No need to provide any further reasoning. Then you can send them a congratulatory card* in the mail and be done.
*The snarky side of me would write "Congrats on your wedding back in MONTH, hope you have a great party!" The super snarky side of me would call it a "fake wedding" but I don't really recommend either.
Depending on how I feel I think you can get away with it but I think you need to keep your opinions on the decline to yourself.
If you're ready to let go of this friendship then blab away.
If you want to nurture the friendship then suck it up and go.
I would definitely do it ASAP- no need to be passive aggressive. Up to you how honest you want to be. You can tell them sorry something came up, or go with what CMG said, "Congratulations on your marriage! Unfortunately we are unable to attend your celebration party".
IRL, if I was invited to a "wedding" but the couple was honest that they were already married, if I were really close to the couple (if I wasn't, I'd simply decline), I would probably still go. I'd side eye the heck out of the ceremony re-enactment, and wonder why they were doing it (because I don't get the point of getting married then spending all that money anyway to not get married again when they could've just done it all at once), but I'd know what I was witnessing. But a lie- that is just insulting. You're right, it's your time and money that only you have the authority to spend, and you should darn well know what you are choosing to spend your money and time on.
You thought you were RSVPing to a wedding, but now you know it's not a wedding at all. I would say, "We are so sorry, we thought we could make it but something has come up and we can't. Have fun and congratulations!"
When you ask "*how* horrible" I think that totally depends on how long you wait to tell them and if you lie. If you tell them soon and don't straight up lie to them, I don't think it's horrible at all.
ETA: I wouldn't include an explanation either. Just "No".
Etiquette dictates you RSVP. . . and then contact ppl if your plans change, which can happen since unexpected things in life happen.
Such as discovering your friends are liars who take advantage of ppl.
Go ahead OP, and Nope right the fuck out of that one. I wouldn't JADE or offer any explanations, just "Sorry, turns out we can't make it." You could use your midterms as an excuse if really pressed.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Wont be passive aggressive or anything (stooping to their level- did I mention that bride/wife posted something on FB the morning after my wedding about how she 'just hates' traditional weddings and how un-unique a church wedding is?) just say finals have impacted my ability to attend!
Well, now you can mention that you just hate "un-weddings" because they are so "un-truthful" and "un-necessary"!
But the best part really is that her wedding was in a courthouse, aka the MOST un-unique place to do it (and if my calculations are correct- they were ALREADY MARRIED at the time!)
I hope she's enjoying her freedom...to be a complete and utter jackass.
I didnt attend tend the "wedding" of a close friend because she had already been married for a year and it was just a PPD. No thank you to spending money on flights, hotels, and then celebrating outdoors in 90 degree weather with 85% humidity.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."