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Moms and Maids
jamoore3
member
Dealing with mom?
My fiancé and I are getting married in a couple months and from the very beginning of planning we knew we wanted a small wedding. With about fifty people invited it is exactly what we wanted, but we certainly had to narrow down the list. For my side that really meant only inviting the couple aunts and uncles I am close to. I was fine with this from the start, but my mother has been very vocal in saying rude it is not to invite them and how hurt they will be, ect. Lately her thing has been to tell all of the not invited family members to not worry about the wedding because she is planning a big BBQ get together the month after the wedding to "really celebrate properly with everyone". How do I politely say that we are not okay with that? I don't care if she wants to have a BBQ and invite the whole family, but I do not want her saying it has anything to do with our wedding, like the BBQ is some kind of consolation prize for not being invited to the wedding. She won't let it go and has probably told twenty or so people about her plans so far. How do I handle this?
Re: Dealing with mom?
If shes not paying and you're not interested in expanding the guest list when you hear her say rude things calmly, politely say that your guest list is closed and she's free to have a party whenever she wants, but it will not be to celebrate your wedding. Tell her clearly there will not be anything wedding related, that you will not participate if it's a "wedding BBQ" and stand by that. Tell her you feel like it is rude to guests to exclude them from the actual wedding them celebrate later and you don't want to do that. Just be clear about how this party is making you feel and set boundaries. If she insists, you have to decide if you would go given that she is not respecting your wishes and then stick by that decision.
Basically, you say that you won't go if she bills it as a wedding thing, since as you've said, it seems like a consolation prize and you don't want your family to feel like second tier guests. The newlyweds being absent will make it look like a pretty weird wedding thing, so hopefully that'll be enough to have her back down.
Now if Mom was planning this party BEFORE your wedding, THAT would be an etiquette issue!
Tell Mom thanks for the party idea, and volunteer to help her with the invitations (so that she doesn't word them wrong). Let her have her fun.
Mrs. Fred Fintstone
invites you to a barbecue luncheon
to celebrate the recent marriage of
Pebbles Flinstone and BamBam Rubble
Date, time
123 Maple Street
Anytown, Iowa
R.s.v.p. Mom's telephone number
You could even help her order them cheaply at Vistaprint.com to make them special. (Ooo, custom printed, Mom!)
I definitely think she's going about it all wrong right now. She can send invitations for this later party, but telling guests now, "Don't worry, I throw another party so you all can be invited" isn't appropriate- it's pointing out who ISN'T invited to your wedding. And you are doing nothing wrong with your guest list.
I would stop sharing wedding details with your Mom. If she brings the guest list up, tell her the guest list has been finalized and the discussion is closed. I would tell her how her current actions are making you feel, "Mom, by talking about this other party now you are pointing out who isn't invited to the wedding, and that is rude and makes me uncomfortable".
Good luck!
The invitations must not be mailed until after the wedding. No wedding dress or wedding traditions. Big party - no problem.
I think if Mom knows that she can plan her party, she might stop pushing about your actual wedding activities.
Then again, I don't get debutante balls and its type of "introduction" either. It doesn't make sense in a modern social context.
My daughter was a debutante. It didn't hurt her a bit, and she met some nice people, many of whom are still her friends. Don't knock it if you haven't tried it.
I get it in the context of @ernursej - family friends may be quite interested in their friends' kids, without knowing the kids well or having ever met their spouse, but that's no reason they need to actually see them commit their lives to one another. So a party like this could actually serve the guest list as a true introduction. MIL's friends are definitely this sort of people. However, if the couple doesn't want the party, they still shouldn't feel pressured to do it.
But extended family? Let's put it this way - I grew up going to family events where my dad's cousins were present, but they lived 2 hours away from us. I now live 4 hours from my parents and 6 hours from them. I am not close to them, did not invite them to my wedding, and in allotting my vacation time, am going to focus on my own parents and siblings... meaning I have to skip a lot of those family events, and I might see these people at my grandmother's funeral, but not really much else, if ever. I don't think anyone will care if they're meeting my husband for the first time at that point. If they're close enough family for them or me to care if they meet my H, they're close enough to come to the wedding. If they're not, we don't need to give them a second tier party specifically related to our status as newlyweds.
I was surprised when two of my friends asked me if she would be interested. Daughter went to public school, and we were not socially active. She had helped in several areas, including political campaigns. Maybe that was it. I don't know.
Funny story - one of the balls conflicted with a party she wanted to attend with her school friends. Her brother was her escort, and he wanted to go to the party, too. We left the ball as soon as possible, and I dropped them off in the park at the party. Daughter was wearing her white gown, and son was in his tuxedo. They created a sensation. Son walked around pretending to be James Bond. Daughter was surrounded by admirers, one who knelt at the feet of the "princess". They dated for several months after that!
Many of our wedding traditions are rooted in the idea that the woman is the father's property, and is being passed over to her husband. That doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with the FOB escorting his daughter down the aisle and placing her hand is her FI's hand. I think it is rather sweet. Don't get too wrapped up in symbolism.
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