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Etiquette

Sister in law wants to use same Venue

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Re: Sister in law wants to use same Venue

  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    2500 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Okay guys,  I was just asking honest opinions. The few people I have talked to about it (non-family) have had mixed reactions, some said they would be upset too. 

    I appreciate the honest, straight-forward replies. I'm sorry if I came off like I'm going on a rampage or something, but I seriously haven't said much to anyone about this. Like I said, I'm a little hurt cause I personally would not want to have my wedding where such a close family member just did. But overall, I've been very calm about this

    However, I didn't ask to be called names, and am just surprised at how rude some people are right off the bat. Especially when I was asking for advice... 
    STUCK IN THE BOX

    Ok, whilst it may not be to your family, you are still gossiping about it. That is immature and bratty.

    I feel like your last statement was very much the legal "obeying the letter, not the spirit" of what I said. To be clear: Feel your feelings, recognise that you are jealous, but stop acting on them. Stop gossiping, stop venting and stop getting opinions of people you know. Because this is a frustration you should feel for a maximum of 5 minutes before you have a word with yourself that if you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to not get caught up in petty jealousy. 
    SP29MyNameIsNot
  • The whole "they have already been to this wedding 6 months ago" thing...so what? Have you been to more than one party at a friends house? Did it suck because you've already been there? Have you gone to a restaurant or amusement park twice because you had a good time or meal?

    You don't need to blow people away. Its not a performance, its a legal ceremony followed by a party.


    SP29
  • Sorry, but...

    Image result for michael jackson popcorn gif


    OP, no one is -attacking- you. I like what @JediElizabeth said. Being defensive and a tad rude about responses is just creating more drama. You asked a question and it was answered. Many of us understand why you are upset, but we are giving you solid life advice by telling you to let it go. Feel free to bring it up to FSIL, but get ready for a major fallout. I guarentee you she will be downright pissed. I for one, would love to see someone else get married at my venue, and see how they decorate it and how they would do things. 

    kimmiinthemitten
  • I think what everyone is saying is that the special thing about your wedding is that it's you and your SO getting married.   Beyond that, the venues, songs, food, decorations are all things that someone, somewhere has done before.

    DH and I did ask but we also used the same first dance song as friends of ours.   He asked the husband later if he'd mind if we used his first dance song and the husband said, "Yeah!   Yeah I mind!   What was our song again??"   

    Because it was a non issue.  
  • Ro041Ro041 member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited March 2017
    I'm not harping on it, I haven't even said anything to them. But I am upset there is no regard or consideration for our feelings. And I personally think it's a bit tacky on their part considering so many guests will have just recently attended a wedding there for the same family
    OMG no it's not.  How rude to call your future brother in law and future sister in law tacky for choosing a wedding venue for *gasp* a wedding!  


    Knottie1467423250 said:
    Yes, I am just saying there are many people who replied who stated it is nothing to be upset about, and did so in an appropriate and straight forward way. 

    I don't apprciate those other people assuming I'm a terrible person or not "human" for asking a question I have seen others post on here who felt the same way. 

    I hear you, okay? Please don't attack my character. Some People feel so entitled behind a keyboard 
    OMG No.  You don't get to sheriff how people respond because you don't like what the first commenters said.

    And I'm sorry I was initially hurt because I feel we are always upstaged by my FBIL and FSIL and I know they will do their wedding bigger and better at the same venue.

    im sorry people can't see that I am slightly hurt by this, but that I was posting because I felt bad for feeling his way and wanted other people to weigh in. Idk why all of a sudden I'm a terrible person.


    OMG No.  At the end of the day, are they going to be "more" married than you?  I promise you, even their close family members are not going to be comparing your wedding to theirs - because 6 freakin' months will have passed before they go to their wedding.  And to be perfectly honest, no one is going to remember or care what kind of flowers you had on the tables and they won't be comparing yours to theirs.  

    To the second bolded, I didn't get that from your OP AT ALL.  What stood out to me was this paragraph: "the thing that's really bothering me is that they haven't even asked how we feel about it. My fiance's brother called to let him know they might do it, and there was no stopping his bride."  This doesn't read "I feel bad for feeling this way" IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM.  There was no stopping "his bride"?  What does that even mean?  

    Edited: Words

    mandypants90charlotte989875cowgirl8238kimmiinthemitten
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    OP, more advice--
    Take this opportunity to see if you and your family can get package deals / refer-a-friend type deals. 
    My friend's younger sister was married about... 4 months? I think? before her. They used the same DJ, same make-up and hair folks, and something else I can't remember. Totally different weddings but they got some cost breaks by sharing vendors. If I were you I'd take advantage of this!

    Some may say avoid discussing finer details with the other couple, but even that I think isn't needed. This same friend was married 6 months after me and we both had minimalist decor and black/white color scheme. Again, our weddings were totally different even though on paper some of the details were strikingly similar.  

    ________________________________


    ahoyweddingeileenrobSP29
  • Ha, 6 months after my wedding I don't think I remembered a lot of the details of it.

    Serious question for the OP though. . . . based on your reaction to this venue in common, and your statement about them "upstaging" you, what would you do if you intend to have children and you found out they were pregnant at the same time as you?  You know, something much bigger and more permanent than a location?

    sparklepants41SP29
  • OP, this is an non-issue that you appear to be hung up on.  My DH had 4 cousins all use the same reception venue for their weddings.  Each one was completely different and unique.  Two of the cousins even shared the same weekend three years apart!  I think his uncle (who paid for them all as a gift) got a discount because he was such a good repeat customer.

    The only things I tend to remember about a wedding are if I was hosted well or not...none of the details really matter much to your guests.  And they will not likely remember the color scheme or flowers you used while attending your FSILs wedding 6 months later.

    I think the best thing to do is sit back and relax.  Do something that calms you down and then realize why you have these feelings.  I don't think the venue is the root of your problem...and if it is, then you will need to re-prioritize some things in your life.  Best of luck!

    SP29
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited March 2017
    And I'm sorry I was initially hurt because I feel we are always upstaged by my FBIL and FSIL and I know they will do their wedding bigger and better at the same venue.

    OP, your wedding and your FSIL's wedding are two completely separate events.  They are not connected in any way.
    My SIL's wedding, many years ago, was the biggest, most expensive wedding our city had ever seen.  No expense was spared.  When I was planning my own modest wedding, people had expectations (especially the vendors!)  They were firmly told that this was a separate event, and it would NOT be the lavish wedding that had previously been held.  Same church.  Same vendors, who were very diasappointed.  No orchids as aisle decorations at OUR wedding!
    I don't know or care if guests made comparisons.  We have been happily married for more than 40 years.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    SP29
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    OP, more advice--
    Take this opportunity to see if you and your family can get package deals / refer-a-friend type deals. 
    My friend's younger sister was married about... 4 months? I think? before her. They used the same DJ, same make-up and hair folks, and something else I can't remember. Totally different weddings but they got some cost breaks by sharing vendors. If I were you I'd take advantage of this!

    Some may say avoid discussing finer details with the other couple, but even that I think isn't needed. This same friend was married 6 months after me and we both had minimalist decor and black/white color scheme. Again, our weddings were totally different even though on paper some of the details were strikingly similar.  

    So much this! DD was married in church the weekend before a good friend was married in the same church. They had the same color scheme. DD said it was a totally different wedding.  I really wouldn't worry about any of this.
  • And I'm sorry I was initially hurt because I feel we are always upstaged by my FBIL and FSIL and I know they will do their wedding bigger and better at the same venue.

    im sorry people can't see that I am slightly hurt by this, but that I was posting because I felt bad for feeling his way and wanted other people to weigh in. Idk why all of a sudden I'm a terrible person.


    Please stop and think about the bolded sentence you wrote.  You "feel" upstaged, you "know" their wedding will be bigger and better (crystal ball?). This leads me to the conclusion that your future SIL and BIL are not sitting around at home thinking up ways to make you feel small, you are doing that all on your own.  You will never be happy until you stop comparing yourself to other people.

    A venue is just a building. A building that will be used in many ways by many people, it's not even worth a second thought. 

    sparklepants41geebee908climbingwifeSP29
  • MobKaz said:
    I can understand being put out by this. But if they're going to do it no matter what, talking to them is only going to cause drama. And really, they can have their wedding wherever they want. 

    This is kind of an attitude thing on your end. You can either be pouty about it or take the high road. The latter will make things easier on you and preserve the relationship, I promise. 

    On the plus side, their wedding is after yours not before. I just wouldn't continue to share wedding details with them for the rest of the planning process.
    Honestly, I do not understand why anyone would, or could, be put out by this.  Someone is using a public, popular venue 6 MONTHS after OP's wedding.  It will be a completely different season.  I could perhaps offer a bit of sympathy if this BIL married prior to OP's wedding, but not after the fact.  
    In my situation, we put a LOT of work into finding our venues (ceremony, reception). They were difficult to find (not typical wedding venues) and unique. If I'm being completely honest, I would have been a little put out for a minute if we announced our plans to family and then my sibling went and booked exactly the same thing. Of course she can book the same venue. Of course she can buy the exact same dress. Have the same colors/decor. Replicate the cake exactly. etc. Sure she can. Why not?

    As I said, I wouldn't say anything to them and I'd have a good attitude about it. I'd probably even tell myself that imitation is the highest form of flattery. But I probably wouldn't talk wedding with them after that.  

    I think everyone knows there is no "dibs" when it comes to wedding stuff, but I can understand how someone would feel that way for a hot minute. I also understand how everyone else on this thread feels.

    Anyway, to the bolded, I know this probably rhetorical, but I figured I'd just lend the perspective anyway.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    MobKaz
  • srfgirlie5srfgirlie5 member
    Sixth Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited March 2017

           

  • Our florist told us how she'll do one wedding, and then have a family member come in a few months later with photos when planning another wedding, saying, "This was my niece's [cousin, sister, etc] wedding. Make sure our flowers are better/bigger/more expensive." So yes, there are definitely people who actively compete and compare when it comes to weddings.

    That's all wedding industry garbage though - and you don't need to buy into it. 

    If you'd rather not discuss your wedding planning with your FSIL, don't. Or you could look at it through the lens of future years you'll have together as a family: pass along your tips, challenges with the venue and how you addressed them, things that worked out really well for you that might be helpful to them.
    MesmrEweSP29
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    MobKaz said:
    I can understand being put out by this. But if they're going to do it no matter what, talking to them is only going to cause drama. And really, they can have their wedding wherever they want. 

    This is kind of an attitude thing on your end. You can either be pouty about it or take the high road. The latter will make things easier on you and preserve the relationship, I promise. 

    On the plus side, their wedding is after yours not before. I just wouldn't continue to share wedding details with them for the rest of the planning process.
    Honestly, I do not understand why anyone would, or could, be put out by this.  Someone is using a public, popular venue 6 MONTHS after OP's wedding.  It will be a completely different season.  I could perhaps offer a bit of sympathy if this BIL married prior to OP's wedding, but not after the fact.  
    In my situation, we put a LOT of work into finding our venues (ceremony, reception). They were difficult to find (not typical wedding venues) and unique. If I'm being completely honest, I would have been a little put out for a minute if we announced our plans to family and then my sibling went and booked exactly the same thing. Of course she can book the same venue. Of course she can buy the exact same dress. Have the same colors/decor. Replicate the cake exactly. etc. Sure she can. Why not?

    As I said, I wouldn't say anything to them and I'd have a good attitude about it. I'd probably even tell myself that imitation is the highest form of flattery. But I probably wouldn't talk wedding with them after that.  

    I think everyone knows there is no "dibs" when it comes to wedding stuff, but I can understand how someone would feel that way for a hot minute. I also understand how everyone else on this thread feels.

    Anyway, to the bolded, I know this probably rhetorical, but I figured I'd just lend the perspective anyway.
    I appreciate this perspective, and I understand your sentiment.  If I had spent hours researching multiple venues, touring and interviewing management staff, and found the best deal, I can understand how frustrating it would be had I shared all that information only to have someone close to me take advantage of that hard work to make it easy on themselves.  As you said, however, you might feel that way for one hot minute.  OP, unfortunately, clearly has been hot for much more than a minute, and felt it necessary to be consulted on that decision.  Therein lies her difference.

    Yes, my response was more rhetorical in nature, but I do appreciate the response.
    southernbelle0915
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    And I'm sorry I was initially hurt because I feel we are always upstaged by my FBIL and FSIL and I know they will do their wedding bigger and better at the same venue.

    im sorry people can't see that I am slightly hurt by this, but that I was posting because I felt bad for feeling his way and wanted other people to weigh in. Idk why all of a sudden I'm a terrible person.



    Most couples have a budget. Concentrate on being  great hosts and put your money toward making your guests feel special. More money doesn't necessarily mean a better wedding. 
                
    MesmrEweSP29
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    And I'm sorry I was initially hurt because I feel we are always upstaged by my FBIL and FSIL and I know they will do their wedding bigger and better at the same venue.

    im sorry people can't see that I am slightly hurt by this, but that I was posting because I felt bad for feeling his way and wanted other people to weigh in. Idk why all of a sudden I'm a terrible person.



    Most couples have a budget. Concentrate on being  great hosts and put your money toward making your guests feel special. More money doesn't necessarily mean a better wedding. 
    This. Your guest won't remember your colours, centerpieces, decor, what your WP wore, even your own wedding dress (and the same goes for BIL/SIL) more than a few months down the road. What they WILL remember is how well they were hosted and the fun they had. That they had full bellies (they won't remember exactly what they ate, but they'll remember if it was good or not), enough to drink, good music to dance/mingle to and fun with the rest of the guests.

    Money doesn't change this- put your money towards the important aspects (your guests' comfort), and you'll have a memorable wedding (in a good way!).

    Bigger centerpieces and more decor don't make a great wedding. And if the rest of the wedding isn't well hosted, these details will be remembered in a bad way, "remember how Susie and Bill had these huge towering centerpieces and Susie had 2 wedding dresses, yet there wasn't enough food and we all went to McDs after because we were hungry???".
    thisismynickname2MairePoppycowgirl8238PrettyGirlLost
  • MobKaz said:
    MobKaz said:
    I can understand being put out by this. But if they're going to do it no matter what, talking to them is only going to cause drama. And really, they can have their wedding wherever they want. 

    This is kind of an attitude thing on your end. You can either be pouty about it or take the high road. The latter will make things easier on you and preserve the relationship, I promise. 

    On the plus side, their wedding is after yours not before. I just wouldn't continue to share wedding details with them for the rest of the planning process.
    Honestly, I do not understand why anyone would, or could, be put out by this.  Someone is using a public, popular venue 6 MONTHS after OP's wedding.  It will be a completely different season.  I could perhaps offer a bit of sympathy if this BIL married prior to OP's wedding, but not after the fact.  
    In my situation, we put a LOT of work into finding our venues (ceremony, reception). They were difficult to find (not typical wedding venues) and unique. If I'm being completely honest, I would have been a little put out for a minute if we announced our plans to family and then my sibling went and booked exactly the same thing. Of course she can book the same venue. Of course she can buy the exact same dress. Have the same colors/decor. Replicate the cake exactly. etc. Sure she can. Why not?

    As I said, I wouldn't say anything to them and I'd have a good attitude about it. I'd probably even tell myself that imitation is the highest form of flattery. But I probably wouldn't talk wedding with them after that.  

    I think everyone knows there is no "dibs" when it comes to wedding stuff, but I can understand how someone would feel that way for a hot minute. I also understand how everyone else on this thread feels.

    Anyway, to the bolded, I know this probably rhetorical, but I figured I'd just lend the perspective anyway.
    I appreciate this perspective, and I understand your sentiment.  If I had spent hours researching multiple venues, touring and interviewing management staff, and found the best deal, I can understand how frustrating it would be had I shared all that information only to have someone close to me take advantage of that hard work to make it easy on themselves.  As you said, however, you might feel that way for one hot minute.  OP, unfortunately, clearly has been hot for much more than a minute, and felt it necessary to be consulted on that decision.  Therein lies her difference.

    Yes, my response was more rhetorical in nature, but I do appreciate the response.
    Very true. The let it go gif is on point with this one. 
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Clearly OP was gone before I stumbled on this, but I must admit it made me laugh.  A cousin and his girlfriend asked me during our reception if they could have my contact list for the venue, florist and caterer.  I said hell yes!  Now, another cousin got engaged first, I hope cousin 1 and GF aren't upset </sarcasm>.
    image
    sparklepants41
  • Clearly OP was gone before I stumbled on this, but I must admit it made me laugh.  A cousin and his girlfriend asked me during our reception if they could have my contact list for the venue, florist and caterer.  I said hell yes!  Now, another cousin got engaged first, I hope cousin 1 and GF aren't upset </sarcasm>.
    You mean to didn't throw a tantrum in the middle of your reception saying no one else was ever allowed to get married there because it would make your night less special? How brave of you. 
    kimmiinthemitten
  • Your wedding is 1st, just focus on that & remember it will be memorable : )
    FBIL's wedding is months afterwards...same venue yes; but certainly not the same wedding.
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