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Wedding Etiquette Forum
CharmedPam
member
Gift for bridal shower if I'm not going?
I'm a BM for my friends upcoming wedding in May. She's having a shower in April, in which I was invited to but declined. She lives update NY and I live in IL, so she's understanding of me not going.
Do I still have to mail her a gift? Her MIL made a comment like "all your BM's should chip in on that one gift on your registry"....and I don't know if it's still customary to send a gift I'm not going? Of course I was planning on slipping some cash in a card on the wedding day but I'm not sure if it's in poor taste to not send a gift?
Do I still have to mail her a gift? Her MIL made a comment like "all your BM's should chip in on that one gift on your registry"....and I don't know if it's still customary to send a gift I'm not going? Of course I was planning on slipping some cash in a card on the wedding day but I'm not sure if it's in poor taste to not send a gift?
Re: Gift for bridal shower if I'm not going?
I base gift giving on relationships. If it's my close friend or family member, generally speaking I *want* to give them a gift, so I give regardless of if I can attend or not. If I'm not close and my thoughts on attending the event were "meh", then I probably wouldn't give a gift if I couldn't go.
But I usually give both a gift at the shower and then cash at the wedding. If you only give one gift total, then that is for you to decide.
As for the MIL suggesting all the BMs chip in- that's not for her to decide. What is the gift, and what would be the cost for each person? Chipping in on a gift can be great idea- the bride might get an item that she really wants but is too expensive for one person to buy, and those who chip in spend less money total. But all the BMs need to be comfortable with the cost first and it needs to be discussed between them, as maybe one or more already have their own gift ideas.
I see what you say. If I'm a BM, I'm pretty close. I only know 2 other BM's in the party so I don't think all 6 will chip in. I think just us 3 will have a private convo and send something (all 3 of us live out of state).
If you're close enough to be a BM then I think you should give a gift.
I'm personally not big on group gifts, I've never gone in on one except for with my sisters a few times, but I have heard of BMs (or any group of friends) going in on something big. Instead of me giving my cousin the bride the $50 gift, my sisters and I will give her a $150-200 gift.
I would only call it "customary" to send one or "in poor taste" not to because the Wedding Industry dictates that showers are their own event for which a gift must be given. I wholly disagree; the occasion is getting married. She's getting married, you'll be there in the wedding, so you can give your one cash gift then.
As a friend good enough to be a bridesmaid, maybe send her a shower-themed card with a sentimental note to let her know you're thinking of her. Send her something off the registry you know she really wants or something frivolous you know she wants but wouldn't ask for. But do you have to, no, I don't think so.
FWIW, I think if you know that you'll be involved / invited to a shower you budget accordingly. We have a "wedding gift budget" and some of it is for the shower gift and some is for the wedding gift. If I was close enough to someone to be invited to her shower but I couldn't attend then I sent a gift. Every time.
As a bm, though, I'd send a gift from the registry that's within my budget or chip in for a group gift.
My social group is like banana's. If I'm close enough to receive a shower invitation, I'll make every effort to attend. If I can't, I'll send a gift via the registry. We usually bring a cash gift to the wedding.
However, if it's a wedding where you're ending up spending a fortune to be a BM I'd only give a minimal wedding gift instead of the "usual amount" you'd spend. Unlike shower gifts, wedding gifts are private, so only the couple will know what you gave. If the bride was really respectful during the planning I'd give the full amount I usually give for close friends or family, but if she picked expensive dresses and expected lots of money spent on shoes and hair and makeup, etc., I'd give a lot less.
This is exactly how I feel about it. I am either going to be close enough to the person to be invited and thus give/send a gift, or I am not going to be close at all and will forgo the gift entirely. Also, the gift doesn't have to be huge or expensive. I think sometimes people get a little spend happy with weddings.
If it were me, I would send a gift. For a friend who's shower I couldn't go to, I didn't, because her shower was two weeks before the wedding, and so I just upped the amount of money I gave as her wedding gift. For all family members of mine and showers on FI's side I'm invited to, if I can't go, I send a gift. But as PP's say, I don't think you -have- to. I would at the very least, especially since you are part of the WP, I would send a nice card with handwritten note. Most people would appreciate that I think.
If your love language is not gifts, you're not likely to understand why this would be a big deal to someone. Conversely, someone who loves receiving and loves giving gifts should not assume that a lack of gift means lack of care or concern.
That is a good point I never thought of. (This girl also didn't even give a card for the wedding). But if you're a BM, hopefully you know the bride well enough to "know your crowd" so to speak. But I know that doesn't always happen.
PS- holy crap my grammar was bad. See, this is why you don't forum from your cubicle.
I was much more put off by another friend, who although not a bridesmaid, is someone I've known for a long time (almost 20 years), and would consider a close friend. I went to her shower and wedding and spent well over $100 on gifts for her/her husband (and never received a thank you card for either). She came to my shower and wedding, and did not give a gift or card at either. I know gifts/cards aren't "required" but this definitely bothered me. But again, I would NEVER say anything about this to her or any of our friends!
ETA: To OP, I would definitely send at least a card letting her know you're thinking of her and sorry you can't make the shower, and likely also at least a small gift within my budget.
If I wasnt contributing I'd definitely send a gift.
edit for clarity: I was the only one she ever told, bride was one of this girl's BM's as well, so I assume they're pretty close. All she mentioned was that she was disappointed, especially because this BM asked the bride (at the shower) if she would regift her some of the things that she received that weren't on her registry. Which I suppose is a whole other story.
Some of my BMs didn't give me a shower gift and some didn't give a wedding gift either.
I typically don't send a shower gift I can't attend the shower, but if I was a BM I would.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
And a trip to Ireland a week after it.