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Invite FFIL's new wife to shower?

Knottie1462498957Knottie1462498957 member
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in Pre-wedding Parties
My fiancée's parents got divorced a couple years ago and haven't been on speaking terms since. His dad remarried not long after the divorce. His mom knows he was seeing someone but I don't think she knows they're married (lots of drama there). Anyway, I don't have a problem with the new wife but I'm wondering if I should invite her to the shower. I don't want my FMIL to be uncomfortable but I also don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. 
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Re: Invite FFIL's new wife to shower?

  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
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    edited March 2017
    Knottie1462498957 said:
    My fiancée's parents got divorced a couple years ago and haven't been on speaking terms since. His dad remarried not long after the divorce. His mom knows he was seeing someone but I don't think she knows they're married (lots of drama there). Anyway, I don't have a problem with the new wife but I'm wondering if I should invite her to the shower. I don't want my FMIL to be uncomfortable but I also don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. 
    Personally, I wouldn't. If FFIL had remarried when your FI was young and this person was like a second mother to him, that would be one thing, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

    The shower is for the ladies closest to you who are invited to the wedding. I invited my FMIL and FSIL to mine, but no one else from FI's family because I didn't know them well and I didn't want to make it look like a gift grab. (My shower guest list is only about 12 people, despite having a wedding with 150 guests.)

    Now, if you're inviting all your FI's female cousins and aunts, I would probably give her an invitation. At that point, it might be big enough that you can just seat them at different tables.

    Edit: by "you can just seat them..." I mean you can tell the shower hosts. But I bet you knew that. ;)
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    I think it really depends on the environment of the event.

    Will it be large enough that FSMIL and FMIL won't need to be near each other or at the same table?   Will they each have a crowd of people to talk to?

    If so, I'd invite her.

    If this has the potential to make all uncomfortable then I wouldn't.

    That said, I'd make your FMIL aware that her ex will be attending your wedding with his new wife sometime before you're walking down the aisle. 
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    If it's small and intimate, I wouldn't. If it's big and easy to separate them, sure why not.

    It sounds like the divorce was very recent and it was not at all smooth or kind. Eventually your FI's mom is going to find out his dad/her ex is remarried. It's probably better if she doesn't find out at an event - like a shower or the wedding itself. You certainly shouldn't be the one to do any of that, but maybe your FI should consider it.
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  • ei34ei34 member
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    I'd pass.  Whatever drama your FFIL's wife being excluded would cause, I imagine it'd pale in comparison to your FMIL somehow finding out they were married.
    Sidenote, but I don't think it's fair that your FI and FFIL's decision to keep something like this from their mother/ex-wife becomes your headache.  
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
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    edited March 2017
    Knottie1462498957 said:
    My fiancée's parents got divorced a couple years ago and haven't been on speaking terms since. His dad remarried not long after the divorce. His mom knows he was seeing someone but I don't think she knows they're married (lots of drama there). Anyway, I don't have a problem with the new wife but I'm wondering if I should invite her to the shower. I don't want my FMIL to be uncomfortable but I also don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. 
    Wow!  Your FI should sit down with his Mom and tell her that Dad is remarried!  It will be the kindest thing to do.  What if she found out by accident?  Family secrets are a bad thing.  Tell FI to do this ASAP.  Once his mother knows, you will no longer have to be nervous about the situation.  Is Dad going to be invited to the wedding?  You cannot invite Dad without his wife.

    My Mom was working part time at a local hotel.  The day after her divorce was final, imagine her shock when her newly ex-husband walked past the front desk with his new bride and their wedding party!  Mom had lots of issues, but NOBODY deserves that!
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    eileenrob said:
    I'd pass.  Whatever drama your FFIL's wife being excluded would cause, I imagine it'd pale in comparison to your FMIL somehow finding out they were married.
    Sidenote, but I don't think it's fair that your FI and FFIL's decision to keep something like this from their mother/ex-wife becomes your headache.  
    If it's contentious I don't blame the FFIL for not calling up his ex wife to share his happy news.  
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  • ei34ei34 member
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    banana468 said:
    eileenrob said:
    I'd pass.  Whatever drama your FFIL's wife being excluded would cause, I imagine it'd pale in comparison to your FMIL somehow finding out they were married.
    Sidenote, but I don't think it's fair that your FI and FFIL's decision to keep something like this from their mother/ex-wife becomes your headache.  
    If it's contentious I don't blame the FFIL for not calling up his ex wife to share his happy news.  
    I'd agree with you if FFIL had gotten remarried recently, and was waiting for the right time to tell his ex.  The fact that it was a couple of years ago makes it more of a big secret everyone's been keeping.  What FFIL does as a divorced/single man is his business, and if he wants to keep his marriage from his ex that's fine...until it starts impacting others like the OP wondering about her shower and probably wedding, hoping there's not going to be some big blowout fight.
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    eileenrob said:
    banana468 said:
    eileenrob said:
    I'd pass.  Whatever drama your FFIL's wife being excluded would cause, I imagine it'd pale in comparison to your FMIL somehow finding out they were married.
    Sidenote, but I don't think it's fair that your FI and FFIL's decision to keep something like this from their mother/ex-wife becomes your headache.  
    If it's contentious I don't blame the FFIL for not calling up his ex wife to share his happy news.  
    I'd agree with you if FFIL had gotten remarried recently, and was waiting for the right time to tell his ex.  The fact that it was a couple of years ago makes it more of a big secret everyone's been keeping.  What FFIL does as a divorced/single man is his business, and if he wants to keep his marriage from his ex that's fine...until it starts impacting others like the OP wondering about her shower and probably wedding, hoping there's not going to be some big blowout fight.
    Or you know, his son could speak up.   

    Dad sounds rather spineless but the apple isn't falling far from the tree if his child has remained silent.  
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  • ei34ei34 member
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    banana468 said:
    eileenrob said:
    banana468 said:
    eileenrob said:
    I'd pass.  Whatever drama your FFIL's wife being excluded would cause, I imagine it'd pale in comparison to your FMIL somehow finding out they were married.
    Sidenote, but I don't think it's fair that your FI and FFIL's decision to keep something like this from their mother/ex-wife becomes your headache.  
    If it's contentious I don't blame the FFIL for not calling up his ex wife to share his happy news.  
    I'd agree with you if FFIL had gotten remarried recently, and was waiting for the right time to tell his ex.  The fact that it was a couple of years ago makes it more of a big secret everyone's been keeping.  What FFIL does as a divorced/single man is his business, and if he wants to keep his marriage from his ex that's fine...until it starts impacting others like the OP wondering about her shower and probably wedding, hoping there's not going to be some big blowout fight.
    Or you know, his son could speak up.   

    Dad sounds rather spineless but the apple isn't falling far from the tree if his child has remained silent.  
    Yes, totally! As I'd said in my first post, it's not fair to OP that the FI and FFIL's choice not to tell is effecting her.
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  • Knottie1462498957Knottie1462498957 member
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    I'd appreciate if you kept your rude comments to yourself, thanks!

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  • Knottie1462498957Knottie1462498957 member
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    Thanks for your thoughts, minus the one insulting my FI and FFIL. The only reason I considered inviting my FFIL's new wife is because I wanted to include our dads in the shower.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
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    edited March 2017
    Keeping things secret in a family is a bad practice.  How many other family secrets are you supposed to keep?  If your FI told YOU, why the hell hasn't he told his MOTHER?  I don't understand this at all!

    I think the other posters were correct in questioning you about your FI.  Communication is one of the most important parts of marriage.  Without it, there can be no trust.  If my children kept a secret like this from me, I would be deeply hurt - not that my ex had remarried, but that my children had not trusted ME enough to tell me the truth as soon as they knew about it.

    There is a lot of divorce in my family, some of it very hurtful  Nobody ever kept any secrets about it!  If your FI keeps big secrets like this from his own mother, how can you trust him to be open and honest with YOU when it is inconvenient?
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    I want to add that if the marriage is a few years old, she's NOT his new wife.   

    Once you're married to your FI for as long as your FI has been married, would you like to be considered "the new wife"?
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