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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Alcove41517
member
What do we say?
Yesterday, FI and I drove to what was supposed to be a friends wedding. It was over an hour away and was supposed to start at 3. When we arrived at 2:45, nothing was set up, and there were only maybe 20 or so guests, mostly elderly. We waited and made small talk for another 30 minutes, but when no one came out to explain what was going on, I sent a text to a friend from high school, who was a bridesmaid. She was confused, saying the wedding was cancelled! Apparently the bride and groom decided to elope 2 weeks ago, only announcing on Facebook. I do not have a Facebook. I'm assuming the other guests that showed up do not have one either. At this point, I do not plan to send their gift, but do I say anything to them?
Re: What do we say?
That is really unfortunate and rude to not follow up with each guest to let them know that plans changed.
I would certainly follow up with your friend. I would come from an approach of concern. "Friend, I'm calling to make sure everything is okay. I showed up at for your wedding on ____ and found out that you had eloped 2 weeks prior. I hope that nothing serious has happened."
You can decide whether or not to send a gift. If you would have sent a gift regardless of being present and had already wrapped the gift, I might send. Hopefully there was a seriously good reason why this happened and why they could not call up each guest.
If you don't like the response you get, this was a friendship ending move in my mind. You are well within your right to be upset.
It's a wedding - not a hot brownie. Before you decide to dive in maybe they should have considered whether or not the idea was half baked.
I'm not saying tell them off, but it's not rude to be honest and direct. No need to be passive aggressive about it. Especially if you plan to distance yourself in the future.
I definitely wouldn't send a gift and I'd probably let the friendship fade.
Second, I would be so mad and hurt. How self centered of them to not even take the time to notify their guest list! I would have no problem calling the bride/groom and asking where they were on Saturday because they need to be confronted by the consequences of their rude behavior. They should have to answer why there were 20 inconvenienced people. And Helll no, would I give them a gift or continue to be friends with them*.
*exception if they decided to marry early because of a family emergency or some other legitimate reason. But they still should have contacted their guest list.
I'd be so angry, I would be direct about the question and ending the friendship. "Friend, I'm really disappointed and angry that you took the time and care to invite us to your wedding, but then couldn't take the time to let us know it was cancelled. This is how it inconvenienced me.....Was there a reason?"
And unless she or her new husband has been deployed or some other emergency came up, I'd say, "Clearly this friendship isn't as important as I thought it was. I need some time to cool off, but right now I feel like I can't be friends with someone who doesn't respect me and my FI enough to give us this basic consideration."
Mind. Blown.
I don't understand the logic either of, apparently, planning a PPD. But not even a PPD they were going to go through with. Really bizarre. Sounds like they were trying to trick their families for some reason that the wedding happened sooner, rather than a long time ago. Since the MIL apparently didn't know either, since she was the one who sent the invites.
The notice of cancellation should have been sent out in the same level of formality as their invitations were- either mail out a notice of cancellation, or at least call and directly talk to each guest. FB and word of mouth are not acceptable means of communication here.
Also interesting how she couldn't even talk to you on the phone, but was able to text you back right away. I feel like she knows she did wrong but can't own it.
You're right- lies upon lies. No gift, and I'd let this friendship fizzle (well it already has!).
edited to change word
At that point I'd either not answer or absolutely confront her. She felt it fine for her own MIL to continue the charade and it was fine for you to make the effort to attend but she couldn't be bothered to make the effort to cancel?
I hope she really loves that husband of hers because with actions like that she may find herself with few others left.
With the updated info, though, sounds like she's not interested in that sort of thing. Bye, Felicia.