Marriage and Wedding Two Diff Dates.....

Knottie9854d150d269e633 · February 2017

Hi!

This is my first post on The Knot, me and my FH have decided to marry at the courthouse in Aug of this year and have a wedding and reception next year.

Im a planner so I'm doing alot early (we already booked our venue)

We were trying to figure out how to word the invitations since we would already be married?

My mom suggested to invite guests to "witness our union"

Any thoughts?

Is it crazy we are having our celebration a year after?

ILoveBeachMusic · February 2017

Nope. Your guests aren't witnessing your union, they are attending a party. Your marriage/wedding occurs at the courthouse. You can have a celebration next year but you can't call it a wedding. You can call it an anniversary party. You also can't have all the wedding trimmings - showers, bridal party, wedding dress, first dance, toasts to the bride and groom (because you aren't a bride and groom). You can have a great party with music, great food and drinks and cake - just don't feed it to each other.

Just curious, why can't you plan the wedding for this year and invite your friends and family. The party is the expensive part so you aren't saving any money by doing this.

charlotte989875 · February 2017

Knottie9854d150d269e633 said:

Hi!

This is my first post on The Knot, me and my FH have decided to marry at the courthouse in Aug of this year and have a wedding and reception next year.

Im a planner so I'm doing alot early (we already booked our venue)

We were trying to figure out how to word the invitations since we would already be married?

My mom suggested to invite guests to "witness our union"

Any thoughts?

Is it crazy we are having our celebration a year after?

It's not crazy, but you are not actually having a wedding or reception a year later. A celebration of marriage is what you would be having, and no one would be "witnessing your union" because that is what is happening in August of this year.

Curious, why the private ceremony one year and celebration of marriage party a year later if you're already starting to plan it now?

CMGragain · February 2017

I am very sorry, but you only get one wedding day. It is the day on which you become legally married. That will be in the courthouse.
I would suggest that you send out wedding announcements immediately after your wedding at the courthouse. Here is proper wording:

Bride's Full Name

and

Groom's Full Name

announce their marriage

August 16, 2017

Anytown, Iowa

Now that you have properly announced that you are a married couple, you can start planning your first anniversary party. No wedding dress. No bridesmaids or groomsmen. You can wear a beautiful gown and invite people to celebrate your first year of marriage with toasts, dinner and dancing if you wish, but you cannot have another wedding. It is not possible. You are already married. There will be no "union" at your anniversary party because that took place on your wedding day at the courthouse.

Mr. and Mrs. John Doe

request the pleasure of your company

to celebrate their first wedding anniversary

Date

at six o'clock

Venue

Address

Anytown, Iowa

You will quickly find that the idea of having a PPD (Pretty Princess Day) fake, do-over wedding is extremely unpopular here on the Knot, and if you go through with your plans, I can guarantee you that some people will be offended by them. They might not tell you this because they care about your feelings, but it will be true.

Please, please do not have a do-over ceremony. It is one of the tackiest things you can do.

CMGragain · February 2017

Knottie9854d150d269e633 said:

Hi!

This is my first post on The Knot, me and my FH have decided to marry at the courthouse in Aug of this year and have a wedding and reception next year.

Im a planner so I'm doing alot early (we already booked our venue)

We were trying to figure out how to word the invitations since we would already be married?

My mom suggested to invite guests to "witness our union"

Any thoughts?

Is it crazy we are having our celebration a year after?

Oops! Almost forgot. No, it is not crazy to celebrate your anniversary (marriage) a year later, but it is really tacky to try to have two weddings.
Your "wedding reception" must take place on the day you are legally married, not some other day. It is a thank you party for your guests who attended your ceremony.

MyNameIsNot · February 2017

A wedding is a one time event, in which you get married.

A marriage is the relationship you have with your spouse, beginning from the wedding and continuing until one of you dies (or you divorce).

You are planning to have a private wedding, and then a party a year later. It would be impossible to have a wedding once you are already married, as it is impossible to marry someone you are already married to. A second ceremony would be a vow renewal, although few people see any point to renewing your vows after only a year of marriage.

If you don't want to invite people to see you marry, it's perfectly fine to get married in private. A celebration of the marriage shortly thereafter would be appropriate, as would a first anniversary party.

SP29 · February 2017

MyNameIsNot said:

A wedding is a one time event, in which you get married.

A marriage is the relationship you have with your spouse, beginning from the wedding and continuing until one of you dies (or you divorce).

You are planning to have a private wedding, and then a party a year later. It would be impossible to have a wedding once you are already married, as it is impossible to marry someone you are already married to. A second ceremony would be a vow renewal, although few people see any point to renewing your vows after only a year of marriage.

If you don't want to invite people to see you marry, it's perfectly fine to get married in private. A celebration of the marriage shortly thereafter would be appropriate, as would a first anniversary party.

This.

You would be inviting guests to celebrate your marriage, or an anniversary party. Follow CMGragain's wording above.

You are welcome to have a party for any reason you'd like, a party a year later is awesome! But this is not your wedding.

ahoywedding · February 2017

Knottie9854d150d269e633 said:

Hi!

This is my first post on The Knot, me and my FH have decided to marry at the courthouse in Aug of this year and have a wedding and reception next year.

Im a planner so I'm doing alot early (we already booked our venue)

We were trying to figure out how to word the invitations since we would already be married?

My mom suggested to invite guests to "witness our union"

Any thoughts?

Is it crazy we are having our celebration a year after?

No no no no no no no. They are not witnessing anything besides a pretend ceremony if you're "re-doing" the ceremony a year after you get married.

You are certainly welcome to throw an anniversary party, and the invites should be worded as such. If you'd like to send out wedding announcements, follow CMG's wording above.

Your actual wedding day will be the date you go to the courthouse. That is the ONLY day you are able to throw a reception (with all of the traditional events, if you choose). Anything you throw after that date that mimics a wedding ceremony or reception is rude to your guests.

southernbelle0915 · February 2017

Others have covered the "do over" issue, so I won't.

It sounds like you want to be transparent with people that you're already married, so that's a good start. Words like "wedding" "union" "witness" "reception" are all actual wedding related words - which I'm sure you know, as a wedding planner yourself. I think words like "celebrate our marriage" "anniversary" "newlyweds" "announce our marriage" etc. are much clearer.

Really, this is just a party to celebrate the fact that you're already married. So I would keep the wording clear and casual, not wedding-ish:

"Congratulations Mr and Mrs Name!
(pic from the wedding day)

Please join the newlyweds
Name
and
Name
to celebrate their marriage
Month Day
at Time
Venue Name
City, State"

If I were a guest, I would totally understand that you were already married and this is just a party.

CMGragain · February 2017

@southernbelle0915, your wording would be fine, except it will be a year out from their wedding when they have their celebration party. They won't be "newlyweds" a whole year later.

southernbelle0915 · February 2017

CMGragain said:

@southernbelle0915, your wording would be fine, except it will be a year out from their wedding when they have their celebration party. They won't be "newlyweds" a whole year later.

She said their courthouse wedding is in August and then they're having the party "next year" - it doesn't say what month. In my circle, you're a "newlywed" until your first anniversary. In other circles, it's longer than that. This term doesn't have a strict definition, so the bolded is not necessarily correct.

CMGragain · February 2017

Yes, I think you are right, technically. It just seems odd to call someone a newlywed a year after their marriage. Maybe the OP will clarify?

missfrodo · February 2017

Knottieb816cc516c5cf84f said:

Can all of you please be nicer to this bride?

What part of responses are you objecting to? OP asked for advice, and PPs gave her advice. Everyone gave very thoughtful responses, right down to the wording for her celebration invites. What else would you like them to do for her?

thefanciestbeckler · February 2017

Knottieb816cc516c5cf84f said:

Can all of you please be nicer to this bride?

Lol. No.

Edit: What the OP is doing is considered very rude. PP's are trying to keep her from making a choice that will hurt and offend others. Your wedding day is the day you get married. Period. A separate fake ceremony is tacky.

greeninspring · February 2017

I personally have never been invited to a PPD, so I don't know how I'd feel about attending one. However, I will say that I have seen people do a big reception party a few weeks after getting married at the courthouse. This party was just that... a big, casual, cookout type party with about 100 people in attendance. They had it out on their farm, and it was very nice and tasteful. I liked that they didn't do a "reenactment" of the ceremony. The whole reenactment would have just felt phony when everyone knew they were already married. They chose to do the farm style cookout because that was their style, but you could also have a nicer fancier party if you desire. I would just recommend staying away from any sort of ceremony-- since it won't be a vow renewal and honestly just seems kind of silly.

CMGragain · February 2017

Update: Knottieb816cc516c5cf84f was banned for violating TOS. This was the only comment she made that wasn't vendor related. I am guessing that she did the courthouse/PPD thing, herself.

geebee908 · February 2017

CMGragain said:

Update: Knottieb816cc516c5cf84f was banned for violating TOS. This was the only comment she made that wasn't vendor related. I am guessing that she did the courthouse/PPD thing, herself.

Thanks for the explanation. I was confused as to where her comment went.

SwissMs · March 2017

I have only been to one PPD. It was ridiculous. They threw a fairly large DW in Hawaii, then a month later reenacted the whole thing - same dress, same wedding party, the vows. Also - CASH BAR! Many people were only invited to PPD, myself included. Needless to say, my normally very generous wedding gift was swapped to some nice looking off-registry platters I picked up at a TJ Maxx or Homegoods for about $10. I later found out that they had been legally married at home before the DW in Hawaii, because it was "just to hard" to figure out the Hawaii state requirements. Tacky.

greeninspring · March 2017

SwissMs said:

I have only been to one PPD. It was ridiculous. They threw a fairly large DW in Hawaii, then a month later reenacted the whole thing - same dress, same wedding party, the vows. Also - CASH BAR! Many people were only invited to PPD, myself included. Needless to say, my normally very generous wedding gift was swapped to some nice looking off-registry platters I picked up at a TJ Maxx or Homegoods for about $10. I later found out that they had been legally married at home before the DW in Hawaii, because it was "just to hard" to figure out the Hawaii state requirements. Tacky.

Oh My GOSH! Hahaha so they technically had 3 weddings? Geez.... why do people choose to have a DW if they're not okay with that being their real wedding? Why do you need to do it over and invite more people in your hometown?

It sounds like this couple was just obsessed with weddings and wanted to have one to have one of every kind-- courthouse, DW, hometown wedding. Goodness!

ETA-- they better have those vows memorized for life!

MyNameIsNot · March 2017

greeninspring said:

SwissMs said:

I have only been to one PPD. It was ridiculous. They threw a fairly large DW in Hawaii, then a month later reenacted the whole thing - same dress, same wedding party, the vows. Also - CASH BAR! Many people were only invited to PPD, myself included. Needless to say, my normally very generous wedding gift was swapped to some nice looking off-registry platters I picked up at a TJ Maxx or Homegoods for about $10. I later found out that they had been legally married at home before the DW in Hawaii, because it was "just to hard" to figure out the Hawaii state requirements. Tacky.

Oh My GOSH! Hahaha so they technically had 3 weddings one wedding and two PPDs? Geez.... why do people choose to have a DW if they're not okay with that being their real wedding? Why do you need to do it over and invite more people in your hometown?

It sounds like this couple was just obsessed with weddings and wanted to have one to have one of every kind-- courthouse, DW, hometown wedding. Goodness!

ETA-- they better have those vows memorized for life!

FTFY

It can't "technically" be a wedding if they don't get married at it.

CMGragain · March 2017

A wedding is when two people legally become a married couple. Anything else is just a party. If someone is wearing a wedding dress, then it is a costume party.

Australian_girl_in_Paris · March 2017

Firstly Welcome!!
Secondly mostly you will find support here - but also stong opions. Its your (and your FI) day so do what you think.

BUT I can see where people are coming from. Is there a reason your choosing to do this? A reason you can wait until next year to do it all?

Are you going to be having a religious ceremony on the 'wedding' day? Different countries have different rules - I live in France and here your religious and civil (legal) ceremonies must be separate. So its not uncommon for some couples to have the civil town hall ceremoney the a week before. I've also know people to do it months before because of planing. But then have a religous or an extanging of vows ceremony months later. I think your idea is fine.

I think southernbelle0915 had a good answer. Why not use a photo from the town hall on your save the date? And put an explination on your website? If you are going to have a ceremony to extrange vows then why not invite people to that.

Name
and
Name
to celebrate their marriage and extanging of vows
Month Day
at Time
Venue Name
City, State"

Just and idea

CMGragain · March 2017

@Knottie1474134225, you are new here. Perhaps your should lurk a bit.

We are well aware that in many countries, two wedding ceremonies must be held if your couple desires to have a religious service. There is nothing wrong with this IF you are living in one of these countries and having your wedding there.

When you are married, you must go by the laws and rules of the country in which you are having your wedding. In the USA, having two ceremonies on two separate days is NOT socially acceptable, and there is no good legal reason to do this. In the USA, the couple must decide what they need for their special day, and then make that choice. They do not get more than one wedding.

Do people ever do this? Yes, and they are subject to a lot of criticism for it. Many couples choose to have a simple courthouse ceremony for their wedding. It is insulting to them to say that this is not good enough, and you need a big party at a later date.

Very recently we had yet another a post from someone who was invited to a "wedding", but then discovered that the couple were already legally married. She was confused and angry. This is what can happen when you make up your own etiquette rules.

Australian_girl_in_Paris · March 2017

Actually, I'm not super new, I've been around for a little while - despite the fact that I can't work out for the life of me how to change my username!! I also don't see that as relevant.

I have read the other post about the couple already being married - but didn't they end up cancelling without telling them? I don't see this being the same issue.

I agree that if you chose to marry at the courthouse then that's great for you. I celebrate your choice. But this couple want to also have a celebration so I'm not sure that I see a problem? I find this forum to be a mix of great help but also sometimes judgement on other people's choices. The bride didn't actually ask what we thought of the idea she asked for advice on wording invites so...

I would say that traditional ideas of etiquette and weddings are changing. I've been to a wedding (not only in France) where they had a party in each person's hometown/home country or a DW and then something as home. How is this any different? We don't actually know why they are having to do this. I think that if she wants to have all the trimmings of a wedding like a fancy dress brides people etc I honestly don't see why anyone would care that they'd have already had the court house? Ok, I see that you say culturally people have a problem with it but I can't see why you'd care? If they have a ceremony where they exchange vows isn't that sort of the same thing? Your part of the important part so wouldn't you be happy that they felt close enough to you to include you in there celebrations?

Anyway that's just where I come from.

CMGragain · March 2017

I appreciate your point of view, but I disagree.

If the bride and groom have a party for their families at a later time, after they are married, I have no problem with it.

If a woman is wearing a white bridal gown, and the couple are having a vow ceremony, then, yes, I definitely have a problem with it. Re-do fake wedding ceremonies are something that I cannot condone. I regard a wedding ceremony as something sacred. It is not something that you pretend to do after the fact. Yes, many people DO care. No Catholic priest would, or could participate in such a sham of a Holy Sacrament. Many Protestant ministers might consider it, but many will not.

You get one wedding day in the USA. It is the day when you legally become a married couple. If you want to have a party later, that is OK, but to have two wedding days, no. I doubt very much if many Knotties would agree with the two wedding thing. It is generally frowned upon here.

PS. Why not get yourself a real Knottie name so we can recognize you? You sound like somebody that would be nice to have around.

mollybarker11 · March 2017

Knottie1474134225 said:

I agree that if you chose to marry at the courthouse then that's great for you. I celebrate your choice. But this couple want to also have a celebration so I'm not sure that I see a problem?

That wouldn't be a problem at all. Pps have provided multiple ways of phrasing invitations to that sort of event. The issue here is that OP decided to marry (ie, have a wedding) at the courthouse and also have another "wedding" at a later date. If she just goofed on the terminology and meant to say "celebration" then, again, there's no problem other than her wording. However, the fact that her mother suggested guests would be "witness[ing their] union" makes it seem like they'll be having a fake duplicate ceremony at this celebration which is nonsensical.

Knottie1474134225 said:

I think that if she wants to have all the trimmings of a wedding like a fancy dress brides people etc I honestly don't see why anyone would care that they'd have already had the court house?

I personally would not care if the couple wore the same outfits to the wedding and celebration. I re-wear my fancy dresses all the time. But some brides wear outfits at their wedding that just wouldn't be appropriate at any other event. eg. If you wore a ballgown & veil to a celebration of marriage or anniversary party I'd expect some side-eyes. I also don't carry bouquets with me when I host parties. And brides people wouldn't make sense as there will be no bride (once married, the bride becomes a newlywed)!

Australian_girl_in_Paris · March 2017

I worked out how to change my name!! yah! (bride previously know as @Knottie1474134225)

So CMGragain My understanding is that in the Catholic church at least they only recognise religious weddings so they wouldn't consider the courthouse wedding as anything and wouldn't have an issue with having a ceremony after. I think that you're using strong language to talk about it. We don't know if they are choosing to have a civil ceremony after. We don't know why they are choosing to do this.

People have lots of reasons for having to do things and instead of finding our why there was a jumping on this bride telling her what she can and can't do. I just think it's a bit harsh or unfair to not even try to find out what the whole story is first. Plus whilst you say that culturally it's frowned upon well I can't add more to that other than its something specific to the USA, and we don't know for a fact that's where she is. This forum has many people from all over.

So I just thought maybe we could all think about being a tad more polite in our responses before suggesting that it's fake or that her guest will be offended.

I'm just thinking that we could send more goodness out into the word.

CMGragain · March 2017

We have seen hundreds of PPD plans over the years. There is no good reason to have one.
These are usually the reasons we are given:

I needed military benefits, so we got married in the courthouse, but now I want my "real wedding".

I needed insurance benefits, so we got married in the courthouse, but now I want my "real wedding".

My FI is in the military and was being posted overseas, so we got married in the courthouse, but now we want our "real wedding".

I want the experience of being a "bride" and walking down the aisle in my white dress.

We didn't have enough money for a "real wedding" last year, so we got married in a courthouse, but now I want my "real wedding".

None of these are good reasons, and the military frowns on people getting married just for military benefits.

Most of the members of my extended family eloped. Only one of my cousins had a traditional church wedding. Every one of those brides cherished their wedding day memories, and they would have been high insulted if anyone suggested that they have a re-do wedding, or a PPD.

I consider all legal marriage ceremonies to be sacred. This has nothing to do with religion. When someone gets married, they have choices to make. You can easily have a private religious ceremony if that is what you want. It doesn't cost much more than a courthouse civil ceremony. Lots of couples wait until they can have the wedding that they want and can afford. I do not understand people who think that a courthouse marriage isn't a "real wedding", and this attitude is insulting to the thousands of brides who have freely chosen to have a simple courthouse wedding..

You will see a lot of judgement here on the Knot. We don't pussyfoot around issues. Brides have plenty of friends and family members who will side-eye their plans, but who don't want to upset them because they care about them.. When they post here, they will get the honest truth. They might not like it, but at least they can't say that nobody warned them.

Welcome to The Knot.

ILoveBeachMusic · March 2017

Australian_girl_in_Paris said:

I worked out how to change my name!! yah! (bride previously know as @Knottie1474134225)

So CMGragain My understanding is that in the Catholic church at least they only recognise religious weddings so they wouldn't consider the courthouse wedding as anything and wouldn't have an issue with having a ceremony after. I think that you're using strong language to talk about it. We don't know if they are choosing to have a civil ceremony after. We don't know why they are choosing to do this.

People have lots of reasons for having to do things and instead of finding our why there was a jumping on this bride telling her what she can and can't do. I just think it's a bit harsh or unfair to not even try to find out what the whole story is first. Plus whilst you say that culturally it's frowned upon well I can't add more to that other than its something specific to the USA, and we don't know for a fact that's where she is. This forum has many people from all over.

So I just thought maybe we could all think about being a tad more polite in our responses before suggesting that it's fake or that her guest will be offended.

I'm just thinking that we could send more goodness out into the word.

I believe this is incorrect. The Catholic church recognizes legal weddings where the couple gets married. The marriage is legal but not a sacrament. However, they won't just do another wedding in the church without going through some paperwork for the church/diocese since they would want to understand the very good reason the couple didn't get married in the church in the first place.

geebee908 · March 2017

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Australian_girl_in_Paris said:

I worked out how to change my name!! yah! (bride previously know as @Knottie1474134225)

So CMGragain My understanding is that in the Catholic church at least they only recognise religious weddings so they wouldn't consider the courthouse wedding as anything and wouldn't have an issue with having a ceremony after. I think that you're using strong language to talk about it. We don't know if they are choosing to have a civil ceremony after. We don't know why they are choosing to do this.

People have lots of reasons for having to do things and instead of finding our why there was a jumping on this bride telling her what she can and can't do. I just think it's a bit harsh or unfair to not even try to find out what the whole story is first. Plus whilst you say that culturally it's frowned upon well I can't add more to that other than its something specific to the USA, and we don't know for a fact that's where she is. This forum has many people from all over.

So I just thought maybe we could all think about being a tad more polite in our responses before suggesting that it's fake or that her guest will be offended.

I'm just thinking that we could send more goodness out into the word.

I believe this is incorrect. The Catholic church recognizes legal weddings where the couple gets married. The marriage is legal but not a sacrament. However, they won't just do another wedding in the church without going through some paperwork for the church/diocese since they would want to understand the very good reason the couple didn't get married in the church in the first place.

@ILoveBeachMusic is correct. Here in the US, since the religious ceremony can also be the legally binding one, the Catholic Church won't let you have a religious ceremony to bless the marriage after a courthouse or other non-Catholic ceremony without very good reason, and if you had good reason, then would also not let you have a big affair with all the trimmings because you are already married.

MyNameIsNot · March 2017

geebee908 said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Australian_girl_in_Paris said:

I worked out how to change my name!! yah! (bride previously know as @Knottie1474134225)

So CMGragain My understanding is that in the Catholic church at least they only recognise religious weddings so they wouldn't consider the courthouse wedding as anything and wouldn't have an issue with having a ceremony after. I think that you're using strong language to talk about it. We don't know if they are choosing to have a civil ceremony after. We don't know why they are choosing to do this.

People have lots of reasons for having to do things and instead of finding our why there was a jumping on this bride telling her what she can and can't do. I just think it's a bit harsh or unfair to not even try to find out what the whole story is first. Plus whilst you say that culturally it's frowned upon well I can't add more to that other than its something specific to the USA, and we don't know for a fact that's where she is. This forum has many people from all over.

So I just thought maybe we could all think about being a tad more polite in our responses before suggesting that it's fake or that her guest will be offended.

I'm just thinking that we could send more goodness out into the word.

I believe this is incorrect. The Catholic church recognizes legal weddings where the couple gets married. The marriage is legal but not a sacrament. However, they won't just do another wedding in the church without going through some paperwork for the church/diocese since they would want to understand the very good reason the couple didn't get married in the church in the first place.

@ILoveBeachMusic is correct. Here in the US, since the religious ceremony can also be the legally binding one, the Catholic Church won't let you have a religious ceremony to bless the marriage after a courthouse or other non-Catholic ceremony without very good reason, and if you had good reason, then would also not let you have a big affair with all the trimmings because you are already married.

Exactly. Our Catholic church reminded me about a dozen times to bring our marriage license on the day of. They will refuse to perform the wedding on your wedding day if it comes out that they aren't doing the legal and religious part. The Catholic church has a pretty big issue with lying to guests.

If you are married and decide that you want to have your marriage recognized by the Catholic Church at a later time, the process is known as convalidation. This is not a wedding and is not treated as a "religious only wedding."

If OP were from a country where the civil process is different, she would not be asking this question. In countries where the legal and religious process are joined, it is lying and immoral to get married pretend to get married later.

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