Trying to time my reveal

mrsconn23 · March 2017

Dear Prudence,
I am transgender and not yet out to my family. My grandmother died at 88 about a month and a half ago. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t put her through my coming out (I’m nonbinary, which means it’s even more complicated to explain). But now that she’s gone, and I’ve done my grieving, I’m aching to stop lying and get it out there. I’ve known for more half a decade, but I feel like this is too soon and my remaining relatives will be angry at me for coming out so close to my grandmother’s death. How long should I wait?

—Bad Timing

banana468 · March 2017

There is never going to be a perfect time to make a statement. As long as you don't use the event of another family member to be YOUR event, just start to be yourself and be open with the family. Take the time to ask questions since many may just not be aware of "how it works".

FWIW, my brother is basically out to the entire family. 10 years ago when I was getting married, he was out to some key family members including me and some aunts and uncles (Mom knew but dad only found out about 8 mo ago). I just requested that if he wanted to bring a SO to my wedding that he tell our dad before I walked down the aisle.

And I found out that our gay uncle gave him a verbal slap upside the head for even thinking of turning the wedding into his big debut. When he did make others aware it was one on one.

If Grandma is buried, now is the time to start to move on. Otherwise there will be another family event that seems "more important".

Australian_girl_in_Paris · March 2017

Don't. There is no good time for anything. People will take it the way they take it the same no matter when.

You should live your truth so don't, not do this for other people.

My FI is trans so I can see how this is hard. But it's going to be what's it's going to be no matter if you do it now or in another month. But the hurt your doing yourself could get worse so I say do it now.

charlotte989875 · March 2017

Maybe start with the family members you are closest too? Then expand to the other members of your family. While not "waiting" it might have the effect of distancing the reveal from your grandmother's passing if that's a concern.

I agree not to wait any longer and to find a way that is authentic to yourself.

Trying to time my reveal

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