All The Anxiety

kwiksilver · March 2017

I'm not sure where else to post this, but I'm having a hard time with wedding-related anxiety.

Brief summary: I just wanted to elope, I hate being the center of attention. My FI's mother is contributing to the wedding, so FI has made most of the major decisions and I've just gone along behind making sure we observe etiquette and dealing with the vendors.

I am excited to marry my FI. We've been together for almost 8 years. I love him, and can't wait to be his wife. I just feel ill when I think about all of the money we are spending (we aren't going into debt, but there are dozens of things I would have rather done than throw a wedding, even a small one) and I worry about our guests and if they will enjoy the whole thing. We are hosting them properly, I know logically that the people whom we have invited are so happy for us and are looking forward to the occasion.

Less than 90 days to go and I am just not feeling excited about the whole thing. I've talked to FI but he doesn't understand where I am coming from at all. He loves the whole idea of the wedding, he's delighted with all of the plans and doesn't have a care in the world.

To top it all off my grandparents recently sold their farm and don't have anywhere to go (my grandpa impulsively listed it and then surprise, it sold in like 5 days). They hate every single seniors accommodations they have looked at, and they have to be out of their farm by 2 weeks before my wedding. My extended family (particularly my mom, the eldest girl) is in total chaos over it, and they expect me to take on a big portion of helping with the move "because I'm not working right now". While that's true, I'm basically single-handedly doing all of the wedding things, and FI are moving shortly after the wedding as well. I also have 2 teenagers that are going through a bunch of teenager stuff. I'm not working, but my business partner and I are growing our Etsy shop and planning to do some farmers markets this summer. I love my grandparents and I want to help them as much as I can, but I don't think I can take on as much as my family thinks I should.

It's just a lot. I know everyone has a lot. It's just a wedding. I want it to be a nice wedding, I want the next few months to go smoothly, I just feel like it's not going to and I don't know what to do about the feeling of impending failure.

Ro041 · March 2017

Just breathe and grab a margarita. It sounds like you have so much on your plate - so take a step back and agree that you will only take on as much as you can and not an ounce more. Make it clear that you can help grandparents but cannot do more than you are able to. Offer to find a moving company.

PS - having an Etsy shop IS working. Raising kids IS working. Don't let anyone tell you that you aren't working right now.

Create some boundaries with your family and then tell yourself you will feel no guilt if they demand more from you and you decline.

And vent on WW anytime you need to.

charlotte989875 · March 2017

kwiksilver-2 said:

I'm not sure where else to post this, but I'm having a hard time with wedding-related anxiety.

Brief summary: I just wanted to elope, I hate being the center of attention. My FI's mother is contributing to the wedding, so FI has made most of the major decisions and I've just gone along behind making sure we observe etiquette and dealing with the vendors.

I am excited to marry my FI. We've been together for almost 8 years. I love him, and can't wait to be his wife. I just feel ill when I think about all of the money we are spending (we aren't going into debt, but there are dozens of things I would have rather done than throw a wedding, even a small one) and I worry about our guests and if they will enjoy the whole thing. We are hosting them properly, I know logically that the people whom we have invited are so happy for us and are looking forward to the occasion.

Less than 90 days to go and I am just not feeling excited about the whole thing. I've talked to FI but he doesn't understand where I am coming from at all. He loves the whole idea of the wedding, he's delighted with all of the plans and doesn't have a care in the world.

To top it all off my grandparents recently sold their farm and don't have anywhere to go (my grandpa impulsively listed it and then surprise, it sold in like 5 days). They hate every single seniors accommodations they have looked at, and they have to be out of their farm by 2 weeks before my wedding. My extended family (particularly my mom, the eldest girl) is in total chaos over it, and they expect me to take on a big portion of helping with the move "because I'm not working right now". While that's true, I'm basically single-handedly doing all of the wedding things, and FI are moving shortly after the wedding as well. I also have 2 teenagers that are going through a bunch of teenager stuff. I'm not working, but my business partner and I are growing our Etsy shop and planning to do some farmers markets this summer. I love my grandparents and I want to help them as much as I can, but I don't think I can take on as much as my family thinks I should.

It's just a lot. I know everyone has a lot. It's just a wedding. I want it to be a nice wedding, I want the next few months to go smoothly, I just feel like it's not going to and I don't know what to do about the feeling of impending failure.

There's a lot going on here, but I wanted to start with a wedding is one day, a marriage is a lifetime. I wasn't super excited about my wedding (I had a lot of family drama leading up to it), and while I was over the moon about marrying my now-H, I didn't really care all that much about the wedding day. It's okay to feel what you're feeling about it, and it's okay for your FI to feel differently as well.

As for what your family is asking/expecting you to do; set boundaries with what you're willing to help with. If you can help out one a day a week, say that upfront, and stick to it. If you can't help at all, say that and do that. Be upfront with what you're committing to, and stick by it. It's not anyone's business about why you're able to do what you're doing; you don't need to justify your time with them, so don't.

Find time to relax and take care of yourself. You sounds really stressed, and so much of this you can't control and worrying about it is only going to make you feel worse. You can't control whether people like the wedding, or what your grandparents decide to do with their living arrangements, but you can control how you react to it, and how much you let it affect your life.

JaxInBlue · March 2017

Ditto PPs. It sounds like you've got a lot going on already and that it would be beneficial to you to start setting some boundaries around your time. I really like the idea of getting ahead of the requests on your time by saying what you can do - for example, you can help out with farm stuff on this day/these days or you are willing to do these three things to expedite the move.

At the same, I'd see what you can delegate in your own immediate family. Ask FI for more help with wedding things. Forward him emails that need answering, save DIY things to work on together. Can you get your teenagers, even with their teenagery angst, involved in helping with either their great-grandparents or with your own move?

And definitely take some time for yourself that isn't wedding, moving or business related. Get a book, a cup of tea, do something relaxing for you to help clear and reset your mind.

short+sassy · March 2017

I just want to send out my sympathies. It sounds like you've handled the wedding planning really well. It is not what you want, but it is what your FI wants, so you all have compromised to have a small wedding/reception. My H and I did the same, except he was the one who would have preferred an elopement.

Try not to stress yourself out that everything needs to be "perfect" for your wedding. Assuming guests are treated well, they will have a good time and will be happy to celebrate with you and your FI.

It's okay your level of excitement is different from your FI's. That only makes sense and you shouldn't feel guilty about that.

As for your grandparent's, you need to set firm boundaries with your family. You may not be "working" a typical f/t job, but you have a lot on your plate also! Figure out how much you can help your grandparents, stay conservative in your "time"/"duties" estimate (so to speak) and let your family know that you can only do X and Y. That's it. They need to make other arrangements for A, B, and C.

kwiksilver · March 2017

Thanks guys! I appreciate the support

I definitely will be setting boundaries with my family. It's difficult for me, because I can be a people-pleaser, but I know it's important. My grandparents live a 2 hour drive from me, and I really can't afford gas for my pickup to drive back and forth constantly, so I will be setting aside some blocks of time and sticking to that.

As for FI helping more, it's difficult because he works away, that's why we are moving. Also he is super, SUPER dyslexic. So he can't do emails really (I typically decipher and proof all of his professional correspondence. Fortunately it isn't often required for his job or regular life). He definitely can help with DIY, so I will lean on him more for that. My MOH also keeps after me to let her help with wedding things, I just don't want to be one of "those brides" so I've been putting her off. She cornered me the other day and was all "LET ME HELP YOU" because she's out of work right know and has time, so, I think she will be coming over for a day or two this weekend to do whatever move/wedding things I want help with. It's hard for me to ask for/accept help, but I am working on it.

The teenagers will help with the move. I have 50/50 custody with their dad, so I only have them half the time, but they've started purging their stuff in their rooms and such. My son has been helping here and there. I unfortunately fall into being one of those "if you want something done right, do it yourself" and FI is always after me to get them to do more chores. Thank you though for bringing that up. They can be helping more.

I am grateful to have this place to vent. Thank you so much. Margaritas need to be a thing. It's not technically drinking alone if your cats are with you, right?

MissKittyDanger · March 2017

Deep breath.

I went through a good period of time when I wanted to elope because I didn't want to fathom going through all the wedding stuff without my dad. M wasn't huge on the wedding idea anyways, but he knew I'd regret it.

I swear, planning a wedding creates so much stress.

Are you able to take days off? Might I suggest taking a long weekend and not doing anything wedding related. Enjoy some down time either with your FI or alone or with someone else. This definitely helped me.

MesmrEwe · March 2017

Cupcake and your favorite beverage time! This sounds more like good old fashioned people-pleaser stress than anxiety (pot calling kettle here!).. You need to make taking care of you a priority while dealing with everything.

1) Take the "Welcome" Shirt off! Boundaries. Set them now. Unless you're getting paid to move the GP, go a little Meghan Trainor and be decisive!
2) It's your grandparent's responsibility to choose either Senior living or a property they can reasonably take care of or hire landscapers to take care of for them. This is not your responsibility to move them 2-3 weeks before your wedding.
3) You ARE working, with whatever you're doing with Etsy! and the Farm Market. Treat it as a business if it's a business.
4) Teenagers are the reasons our parents got grey hair, don't think for a second you're immune. Remember you're teaching them the tools they'll need for a lifetime, never be afraid to let/make them "step up" and simply be a soft place to land if things don't work out perfectly. You're doing great!!!

SP29 · April 2017

kwiksilver-2 said:

Thanks guys! I appreciate the support

I definitely will be setting boundaries with my family. It's difficult for me, because I can be a people-pleaser, but I know it's important. My grandparents live a 2 hour drive from me, and I really can't afford gas for my pickup to drive back and forth constantly, so I will be setting aside some blocks of time and sticking to that.

As for FI helping more, it's difficult because he works away, that's why we are moving. Also he is super, SUPER dyslexic. So he can't do emails really (I typically decipher and proof all of his professional correspondence. Fortunately it isn't often required for his job or regular life). He definitely can help with DIY, so I will lean on him more for that. My MOH also keeps after me to let her help with wedding things, I just don't want to be one of "those brides" so I've been putting her off. She cornered me the other day and was all "LET ME HELP YOU" because she's out of work right know and has time, so, I think she will be coming over for a day or two this weekend to do whatever move/wedding things I want help with. It's hard for me to ask for/accept help, but I am working on it.

The teenagers will help with the move. I have 50/50 custody with their dad, so I only have them half the time, but they've started purging their stuff in their rooms and such. My son has been helping here and there. I unfortunately fall into being one of those "if you want something done right, do it yourself" and FI is always after me to get them to do more chores. Thank you though for bringing that up. They can be helping more.

I am grateful to have this place to vent. Thank you so much. Margaritas need to be a thing. It's not technically drinking alone if your cats are with you, right?

Cats are peoples too!

Sending you an internet hug- you sound like you've got a lot of things going on in every which direction and you're putting the responsibility all on yourself.

Remember you are not alone in this. As for the wedding- as long as you have the basics covered (which at 90 days out, you probably do, minus sending invitations), all the rest is icing on the cake! (pun intended

). If there are specific things that are stressing you out- ask yourself, do we really need this? Thinks like flowers, decor and programs really aren't necessary. If there is something your FI REALLY wants that doesn't directly affect the actual wedding part or guest comfort, tell him if he wants it, he'll have to handle it. It is hard when he's away, but you are a pair and so much can be done online or over the phone these days.

Likewise with your kids- you are helping them learn valuable lessons and become well functioning adults by giving them more responsibility and having higher expectations. As members of the family, they can help out!

Your grandparents are adults and presumably have capacity. It was their decision to sell the property, even if it was a rash decision, so it is their responsibility to figure the rest out. Of course it's nice to help out, but it's not your responsibility to make it all happen. You, as an adult, are also the only person who gets to dictate your resources (time, money, energy), so you offer what help you can and stick to that.

So go drink some wine and pet your kitties!

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