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Bridal Shower Guest list

Knottie20032143Knottie20032143 member
First Comment
in Pre-wedding Parties
Hi All, 

I am having a very small wedding, just going to city hall and then taking my immediate family & FI's immediate family to a luncheon afterward. That night, FH and I will be bar hopping in our city's downtown to celebrate and many of our friends will be joining us. We will have no bridesmaids or groomsmen, but I am going on a bachelorette party trip (to Mexico) with my closest girlfriends. 

My aunt and mom want to throw me a bridal shower, (even though my aunt is not part of the wedding luncheon) and my question is, who do I invite? I know that my aunts and cousins really want to be part of it, so should I just have her invite my family members or should I extend an invite to my girlfriends that are going on the Bachelorette trip with me? Also, I know that my aunts want to bring gifts but I definitely don't expect presents from my friends, so should I instead make it a Bridal Tea and specify no gifts? 

Thanks!
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    No one. 
    Report Reply
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Knottie20032143 said:
    Hi All, 

    I am having a very small wedding, just going to city hall and then taking my immediate family & FI's immediate family to a luncheon afterward. That night, FH and I will be bar hopping in our city's downtown to celebrate and many of our friends will be joining us. We will have no bridesmaids or groomsmen, but I am going on a bachelorette party trip (to Mexico) with my closest girlfriends. 

    My aunt and mom want to throw me a bridal shower, (even though my aunt is not part of the wedding luncheon) and my question is, who do I invite? I know that my aunts and cousins really want to be part of it, so should I just have her invite my family members or should I extend an invite to my girlfriends that are going on the Bachelorette trip with me? Also, I know that my aunts want to bring gifts but I definitely don't expect presents from my friends, so should I instead make it a Bridal Tea and specify no gifts? 

    Thanks!
    Sorry, but your bachelorette party is very improper.  Unless your friends are invited to your ceremony and reception, you should not be doing this at all!  This is especially a no-no since you are going out of the country for your party!

    Your bridal shower may only include people who are also invited to your ceremony and reception - the immediate family that you mentioned.  No one else.  Usually, brides with your plans do not have showers given fir them.  Bridal teas are not different if they are held before the wedding.  You may have a tea AFTER you are married, though.  This way you can invite anyone, regardless of whether or not they were invited to your wedding.  This is a better plan.

    Your wedding day plans are fine!  It is just the party plans that are a problem.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • Knottie20032143Knottie20032143 member
    First Comment
    Thanks, but all my friends are very excited about this trip and none of them find it improper! I'll be paying my own way since it is out of the country, but otherwise they are really looking forward to celebrating with me. 
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  • Knottie20032143Knottie20032143 member
    First Comment
    LOL
    STARMOON44 said:
    No one. 

    Report Reply
  • Knottie20032143Knottie20032143 member
    First Comment
    missJeanLouise said:
    How about just Tea? If you make it a pre wedding event then you can only invite people invited to the wedding. A luncheon or tea, without being "bridal, means you can invite anyone you want.
    JediElizabeth said:
    If your mom and aunt insist on this, and it's the only way to keep peace in the family, I would only invite the cousins, and ask for it to be a tea instead if a shower.

    Technically no one should be invited except those invited to the wedding, but in my experience sometimes you have to bend to family if it will make them feel better and the rules of etiquette will make them feel more pushed out/alienated. I would definitely not include anyone outside this immediate circle, though. 
    Thanks ladies for understanding. My extended family (big Mexican family) definitely wants to be part of my wedding in whatever capacity they can. I think I'll just tell my aunt to host an "Afternoon Tea" that includes just my aunts and cousins, and specify no gifts! 
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Knottie20032143 said:
    Thanks, but all my friends are very excited about this trip and none of them find it improper! I'll be paying my own way since it is out of the country, but otherwise they are really looking forward to celebrating with me. 
    I hope you are hearing the truth from your friends.  Remember, they care about your feelings, and won't want to upset you.  Unfortunately, this is VERY improper.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Knottie20032143 said:
    missJeanLouise said:
    How about just Tea? If you make it a pre wedding event then you can only invite people invited to the wedding. A luncheon or tea, without being "bridal, means you can invite anyone you want.
    Thanks ladies for understanding. My extended family (big Mexican family) definitely wants to be part of my wedding in whatever capacity they can. I think I'll just tell my aunt to host an "Afternoon Tea" that includes just my aunts and cousins, and specify no gifts!
    Please don't do this.  It is very rude for you to even mention gifts.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited April 2017

    Knottie20032143 said:
    Hi All, 

    I am having a very small wedding, just going to city hall and then taking my immediate family & FI's immediate family to a luncheon afterward. That night, FH and I will be bar hopping in our city's downtown to celebrate and many of our friends will be joining us. We will have no bridesmaids or groomsmen, but I am going on a bachelorette party trip (to Mexico) with my closest girlfriends. 

    My aunt and mom want to throw me a bridal shower, (even though my aunt is not part of the wedding luncheon) and my question is, who do I invite? I know that my aunts and cousins really want to be part of it, so should I just have her invite my family members or should I extend an invite to my girlfriends that are going on the Bachelorette trip with me? Also, I know that my aunts want to bring gifts but I definitely don't expect presents from my friends, so should I instead make it a Bridal Tea and specify no gifts? 

    Thanks!

    STARMOON44 said:
    No one.
    STARMOON is absolutely correct, and she was not joking!  When you decided to have a private wedding with immediate family only, you gave up having showers and bachelorette parties.  If these parties are really important to you, then you need to change your wedding plans and invite all the people you want to invite to these parties.  Bridal parties are not necessary.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    Report Reply
  • Knottie20032143Knottie20032143 member
    First Comment
    CMGragain said:

    Knottie20032143 said:
    Hi All, 

    I am having a very small wedding, just going to city hall and then taking my immediate family & FI's immediate family to a luncheon afterward. That night, FH and I will be bar hopping in our city's downtown to celebrate and many of our friends will be joining us. We will have no bridesmaids or groomsmen, but I am going on a bachelorette party trip (to Mexico) with my closest girlfriends. 

    My aunt and mom want to throw me a bridal shower, (even though my aunt is not part of the wedding luncheon) and my question is, who do I invite? I know that my aunts and cousins really want to be part of it, so should I just have her invite my family members or should I extend an invite to my girlfriends that are going on the Bachelorette trip with me? Also, I know that my aunts want to bring gifts but I definitely don't expect presents from my friends, so should I instead make it a Bridal Tea and specify no gifts? 

    Thanks!

    STARMOON44 said:
    No one.
    STARMOON is absolutely correct, and she was not joking!  When you decided to have a private wedding with immediate family only, you gave up having showers and bachelorette parties.  If these parties are really important to you, then you need to change your wedding plans and invite all the people you want to invite to these parties.  Bridal parties are not necessary.
    These parties are not important to me. They are important to my aunts and my mom though. I know that they will throw me a "shower" either way, even if I protest they will just make it a surprise shower. I figured I might as well give in and be part of the planning process so that I have some control. I just don't want anyone to feel like they need to bring a gift and I don't want hurt feelings (with my family, there will probably be more of if there is no shower at all). So going by what some of the other ladies suggested, I think an afternoon Tea Party is best so that I can include the women in my family in the festivities since it's important to them...not to me. Do you think I should just tell my mom and aunt to spread the word verbally that it's no gifts? 

    And regarding the bachelorette party. I appreciate your concern about not offending them. My friends are all young and not really up-to-date on Emily Post style etiquette. My questions here were mostly geared toward not offending my family. I'm not really afraid that my bachelorette crew will be offended and they are my closest friends so I'm sure they would let me know if it was out of their budget or they thought it was improper. They've also all had non-traditional/non-conventional weddings. I wasn't offended, I think it's a little different for our generation since we're all paying for our own weddings and have already lived with our FI for a few years before marrying, so most of the traditional aspects are kind of pointless to us. I'm just trying to be careful in regards to my family and they don't seem to understand that I don't want a big reception or pre-wedding parties LOL 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited April 2017
    Knottie20032143 said:
    CMGragain said:

    Knottie20032143 said:
    Hi All, 

    I am having a very small wedding, just going to city hall and then taking my immediate family & FI's immediate family to a luncheon afterward. That night, FH and I will be bar hopping in our city's downtown to celebrate and many of our friends will be joining us. We will have no bridesmaids or groomsmen, but I am going on a bachelorette party trip (to Mexico) with my closest girlfriends. 

    My aunt and mom want to throw me a bridal shower, (even though my aunt is not part of the wedding luncheon) and my question is, who do I invite? I know that my aunts and cousins really want to be part of it, so should I just have her invite my family members or should I extend an invite to my girlfriends that are going on the Bachelorette trip with me? Also, I know that my aunts want to bring gifts but I definitely don't expect presents from my friends, so should I instead make it a Bridal Tea and specify no gifts? 

    Thanks!

    STARMOON44 said:
    No one.
    STARMOON is absolutely correct, and she was not joking!  When you decided to have a private wedding with immediate family only, you gave up having showers and bachelorette parties.  If these parties are really important to you, then you need to change your wedding plans and invite all the people you want to invite to these parties.  Bridal parties are not necessary.
    These parties are not important to me. They are important to my aunts and my mom though. I know that they will throw me a "shower" either way, even if I protest they will just make it a surprise shower. I figured I might as well give in and be part of the planning process so that I have some control. I just don't want anyone to feel like they need to bring a gift and I don't want hurt feelings (with my family, there will probably be more of if there is no shower at all). So going by what some of the other ladies suggested, I think an afternoon Tea Party is best so that I can include the women in my family in the festivities since it's important to them...not to me. Do you think I should just tell my mom and aunt to spread the word verbally that it's no gifts? 

    And regarding the bachelorette party. I appreciate your concern about not offending them. My friends are all young and not really up-to-date on Emily Post style etiquette. My questions here were mostly geared toward not offending my family. I'm not really afraid that my bachelorette crew will be offended and they are my closest friends so I'm sure they would let me know if it was out of their budget or they thought it was improper. They've also all had non-traditional/non-conventional weddings. I wasn't offended, I think it's a little different for our generation since we're all paying for our own weddings and have already lived with our FI for a few years before marrying, so most of the traditional aspects are kind of pointless to us. I'm just trying to be careful in regards to my family and they don't seem to understand that I don't want a big reception or pre-wedding parties LOL 
    They'll be upset that they aren't invited to a shower, but they are A-ok with not being invited to a wedding? Let's get real here. If you care about including them, invite them to the wedding.

    If you don't care about being rude to your friends, that's your prerogative. Most people would not want to do something rude to friends on principle, not limited only to whether you think they'll realize it in the near future or whether they'll tell you they're upset about it. 

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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I'd be pissed if I were invited to an event where I'm supposed to give presents, but I'm not important enough to go to the wedding....you're welcome, enjoy the pots and pans! :|

    Or I'm fun enough to be invited on an international trip to celebrate someone else but not important enough to be invited to the main event we're celebrating... um ok?
    *********************************************************************************

    image
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  • Knottie20032143Knottie20032143 member
    First Comment
    MyNameIsNot said:
    Knottie20032143 said:
    CMGragain said:

    Knottie20032143 said:
    Hi All, 

    I am having a very small wedding, just going to city hall and then taking my immediate family & FI's immediate family to a luncheon afterward. That night, FH and I will be bar hopping in our city's downtown to celebrate and many of our friends will be joining us. We will have no bridesmaids or groomsmen, but I am going on a bachelorette party trip (to Mexico) with my closest girlfriends. 

    My aunt and mom want to throw me a bridal shower, (even though my aunt is not part of the wedding luncheon) and my question is, who do I invite? I know that my aunts and cousins really want to be part of it, so should I just have her invite my family members or should I extend an invite to my girlfriends that are going on the Bachelorette trip with me? Also, I know that my aunts want to bring gifts but I definitely don't expect presents from my friends, so should I instead make it a Bridal Tea and specify no gifts? 

    Thanks!

    STARMOON44 said:
    No one.
    STARMOON is absolutely correct, and she was not joking!  When you decided to have a private wedding with immediate family only, you gave up having showers and bachelorette parties.  If these parties are really important to you, then you need to change your wedding plans and invite all the people you want to invite to these parties.  Bridal parties are not necessary.
    These parties are not important to me. They are important to my aunts and my mom though. I know that they will throw me a "shower" either way, even if I protest they will just make it a surprise shower. I figured I might as well give in and be part of the planning process so that I have some control. I just don't want anyone to feel like they need to bring a gift and I don't want hurt feelings (with my family, there will probably be more of if there is no shower at all). So going by what some of the other ladies suggested, I think an afternoon Tea Party is best so that I can include the women in my family in the festivities since it's important to them...not to me. Do you think I should just tell my mom and aunt to spread the word verbally that it's no gifts? 

    And regarding the bachelorette party. I appreciate your concern about not offending them. My friends are all young and not really up-to-date on Emily Post style etiquette. My questions here were mostly geared toward not offending my family. I'm not really afraid that my bachelorette crew will be offended and they are my closest friends so I'm sure they would let me know if it was out of their budget or they thought it was improper. They've also all had non-traditional/non-conventional weddings. I wasn't offended, I think it's a little different for our generation since we're all paying for our own weddings and have already lived with our FI for a few years before marrying, so most of the traditional aspects are kind of pointless to us. I'm just trying to be careful in regards to my family and they don't seem to understand that I don't want a big reception or pre-wedding parties LOL 
    They'll be upset that they aren't invited to a shower, but they are A-ok with not being invited to a wedding? Let's get real here. If you care about including them, invite them to the wedding.

    If you don't care about being rude to your friends, that's your prerogative. Most people would not want to do something rude to friends on principle, not limited only to whether you think they'll realize it in the near future or whether they'll tell you they're upset about it. 

    Nope, as stated in my earlier response, they are not OK with not going to the wedding. However, since it's my wedding and I'm paying for it without any family help, I will be keeping it very small and within my budget. If you'd been paying attention you would have read that I don't want any pre-wedding showers or teas at all. It is at my families insistence that they throw me one because THEY want to be part of my wedding in whichever way they can be. I will not be budging on my wedding reception and it seems they will not be budging on throwing me a party...so I would like to make it as "proper" as I can and celebrate with tea with my family but also make sure there is no miscommunication from my aunt where the guests feel like I expect gifts. 
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Knottie20032143 said:
    CMGragain said:

    Knottie20032143 said:
    Hi All, 

    I am having a very small wedding, just going to city hall and then taking my immediate family & FI's immediate family to a luncheon afterward. That night, FH and I will be bar hopping in our city's downtown to celebrate and many of our friends will be joining us. We will have no bridesmaids or groomsmen, but I am going on a bachelorette party trip (to Mexico) with my closest girlfriends. 

    My aunt and mom want to throw me a bridal shower, (even though my aunt is not part of the wedding luncheon) and my question is, who do I invite? I know that my aunts and cousins really want to be part of it, so should I just have her invite my family members or should I extend an invite to my girlfriends that are going on the Bachelorette trip with me? Also, I know that my aunts want to bring gifts but I definitely don't expect presents from my friends, so should I instead make it a Bridal Tea and specify no gifts? 

    Thanks!

    STARMOON44 said:
    No one.
    STARMOON is absolutely correct, and she was not joking!  When you decided to have a private wedding with immediate family only, you gave up having showers and bachelorette parties.  If these parties are really important to you, then you need to change your wedding plans and invite all the people you want to invite to these parties.  Bridal parties are not necessary.
    These parties are not important to me. They are important to my aunts and my mom though. I know that they will throw me a "shower" either way, even if I protest they will just make it a surprise shower. I figured I might as well give in and be part of the planning process so that I have some control. I just don't want anyone to feel like they need to bring a gift and I don't want hurt feelings (with my family, there will probably be more of if there is no shower at all). So going by what some of the other ladies suggested, I think an afternoon Tea Party is best so that I can include the women in my family in the festivities since it's important to them...not to me. Do you think I should just tell my mom and aunt to spread the word verbally that it's no gifts? 

    And regarding the bachelorette party. I appreciate your concern about not offending them. My friends are all young and not really up-to-date on Emily Post style etiquette. My questions here were mostly geared toward not offending my family. I'm not really afraid that my bachelorette crew will be offended and they are my closest friends so I'm sure they would let me know if it was out of their budget or they thought it was improper. They've also all had non-traditional/non-conventional weddings. I wasn't offended, I think it's a little different for our generation since we're all paying for our own weddings and have already lived with our FI for a few years before marrying, so most of the traditional aspects are kind of pointless to us. I'm just trying to be careful in regards to my family and they don't seem to understand that I don't want a big reception or pre-wedding parties LOL 
    LOL. That's funny. I paid for my own wedding. Not sure why you are assuming all the people here had weddings paid for by someone else. 

    It's tacky to invite people to pre-wedding events and then not invite them to your wedding. Plain and simple. Doesn't matter how old you are or what generation you're from. 
    Report Reply
  • Knottie20032143Knottie20032143 member
    First Comment
    southernbelle0915 said:
    I'd be pissed if I were invited to an event where I'm supposed to give presents, but I'm not important enough to go to the wedding....you're welcome, enjoy the pots and pans! :|

    Or I'm fun enough to be invited on an international trip to celebrate someone else but not important enough to be invited to the main event we're celebrating... um ok?

    Again, if you'd been reading correctly. I have never wanted gifts and do not expect my guests to bring them. This is why I wrote in here, I want the proper terminology for this party and how to make it clear that the guests should not bring gifts because this will just be Tea and not a shower. My family is great but they are pushy and my aunt has pretty much told me that if I turn it down she will just surprise me with a shower. So, I would rather just be part of it that way I can minimize hurt feelings. 

    As for my friends. Yup you're right, they are tons of fun and will be a great group to go to Mexico with! Surprisingly, millennials get such a bad rap for being easily offended but it doesn't seem to be that way with my crew :) And if by "main event" you mean the civil ceremony where we exchange vows...well technically they are all invited to it but I don't think they'll want to attend since only two witnesses are allowed to enter with us. They probably won't have much fun anyway. But they will definitely be joining our bar crawl later that night! I'm very happy to have a group of friends that respect my wedding plans/wishes but still want to celebrate the end of my singledom by going on an awesome vacation with me! Personally, I don't really need much of a reason to go on a trip with friends. Especially since I'm paying my own way, they really have no problem with it. 
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  • Knottie20032143Knottie20032143 member
    First Comment
    climbingwife said:
    Knottie20032143 said:
    CMGragain said:

    Knottie20032143 said:
    Hi All, 

    I am having a very small wedding, just going to city hall and then taking my immediate family & FI's immediate family to a luncheon afterward. That night, FH and I will be bar hopping in our city's downtown to celebrate and many of our friends will be joining us. We will have no bridesmaids or groomsmen, but I am going on a bachelorette party trip (to Mexico) with my closest girlfriends. 

    My aunt and mom want to throw me a bridal shower, (even though my aunt is not part of the wedding luncheon) and my question is, who do I invite? I know that my aunts and cousins really want to be part of it, so should I just have her invite my family members or should I extend an invite to my girlfriends that are going on the Bachelorette trip with me? Also, I know that my aunts want to bring gifts but I definitely don't expect presents from my friends, so should I instead make it a Bridal Tea and specify no gifts? 

    Thanks!

    STARMOON44 said:
    No one.
    STARMOON is absolutely correct, and she was not joking!  When you decided to have a private wedding with immediate family only, you gave up having showers and bachelorette parties.  If these parties are really important to you, then you need to change your wedding plans and invite all the people you want to invite to these parties.  Bridal parties are not necessary.
    These parties are not important to me. They are important to my aunts and my mom though. I know that they will throw me a "shower" either way, even if I protest they will just make it a surprise shower. I figured I might as well give in and be part of the planning process so that I have some control. I just don't want anyone to feel like they need to bring a gift and I don't want hurt feelings (with my family, there will probably be more of if there is no shower at all). So going by what some of the other ladies suggested, I think an afternoon Tea Party is best so that I can include the women in my family in the festivities since it's important to them...not to me. Do you think I should just tell my mom and aunt to spread the word verbally that it's no gifts? 

    And regarding the bachelorette party. I appreciate your concern about not offending them. My friends are all young and not really up-to-date on Emily Post style etiquette. My questions here were mostly geared toward not offending my family. I'm not really afraid that my bachelorette crew will be offended and they are my closest friends so I'm sure they would let me know if it was out of their budget or they thought it was improper. They've also all had non-traditional/non-conventional weddings. I wasn't offended, I think it's a little different for our generation since we're all paying for our own weddings and have already lived with our FI for a few years before marrying, so most of the traditional aspects are kind of pointless to us. I'm just trying to be careful in regards to my family and they don't seem to understand that I don't want a big reception or pre-wedding parties LOL 
    LOL. That's funny. I paid for my own wedding. Not sure why you are assuming all the people here had weddings paid for by someone else. 

    It's tacky to invite people to pre-wedding events and then not invite them to your wedding. Plain and simple. Doesn't matter how old you are or what generation you're from. 
    I'm not assuming that anyone on this board didn't pay for their own weddings. I'm just saying that a lot of this etiquette comes from the European/Anglican tradition of having the family of the bride pay for the wedding and enlists the Wedding Party and other family members with other duties,responsibilities, or expectations. I am neither European or Anglican and find many of these traditions to be outdated and unreasonable in today's economy. I understand this board is very focused on age-old traditions but I'm lucky to have friends that are very like-minded. I'm sure many people will find my behavior tacky but I'm lucky to have a great group of friends who aren't looking to be offended and don't see my trip that way at all.

    As for the bridal shower...well I do find that improper but my family really wants to throw me one and I've spent months trying to talk them out of it but it doesn't look like that's happening. I do care about not offending my family but it seems like if I also tell them they can't throw me a shower, they'll be doubly offended. As some of the other ladies suggested, it seems like bending the rules of etiquette and allowing them to throw a tea party is the best way to preserve their feelings. I know they also wish I was holding a big reception, but unfortunately that will not be happening. 
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  • Knottie20032143Knottie20032143 member
    First Comment
    levioosa said:
    I think there is a misconception here with tradition and etiquette. 

    Tradition does not equal etiquette. Etiquette is about making people comfortable and treating them well. Etiquette states that there are no bridesmaids "duties," parents do not have an obligation to pay, etc.  Tradition says the opposite. This board isn't old fashioned in the traditional sense--we just believe in treating people well. Etiquette means that sometimes you don't get to have your cake and eat it too. That's also called being an adult. 

    Signed, 

    A millennial who will pay for her own wedding and has little care for "traditions."
    Exactly, you get it! Now I just wish I could get my family to understand as well
    Report Reply
  • levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Knottie20032143 said:
    levioosa said:
    I think there is a misconception here with tradition and etiquette. 

    Tradition does not equal etiquette. Etiquette is about making people comfortable and treating them well. Etiquette states that there are no bridesmaids "duties," parents do not have an obligation to pay, etc.  Tradition says the opposite. This board isn't old fashioned in the traditional sense--we just believe in treating people well. Etiquette means that sometimes you don't get to have your cake and eat it too. That's also called being an adult. 

    Signed, 

    A millennial who will pay for her own wedding and has little care for "traditions."
    Exactly, you get it! Now I just wish I could get my family to understand as well
    I think you misunderstood my post. I agree with PPs. It is inappropriate to have pre-wedding parties with people who are not invited to the event. Having a tea to celebrate your marriage after is fine. Having a girl's trip is fine as long as it is not wedding related. 


    image
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  • Knottie20032143Knottie20032143 member
    First Comment
    levioosa said:
    Knottie20032143 said:
    levioosa said:
    I think there is a misconception here with tradition and etiquette. 

    Tradition does not equal etiquette. Etiquette is about making people comfortable and treating them well. Etiquette states that there are no bridesmaids "duties," parents do not have an obligation to pay, etc.  Tradition says the opposite. This board isn't old fashioned in the traditional sense--we just believe in treating people well. Etiquette means that sometimes you don't get to have your cake and eat it too. That's also called being an adult. 

    Signed, 

    A millennial who will pay for her own wedding and has little care for "traditions."
    Exactly, you get it! Now I just wish I could get my family to understand as well
    I think you misunderstood my post. I agree with PPs. It is inappropriate to have pre-wedding parties with people who are not invited to the event. Having a tea to celebrate your marriage after is fine. Having a girl's trip is fine as long as it is not wedding related. 
    I see, but I don't want the shower at all! Should I just continue refusing and if my aunt decides to throw a surprise shower then so be it? I'm really stressed about how to handle this the best way. I only okayed it and got involved because I really thought it better to be there to trim the guest list and discourage gifts. I suggested a tea party after the wedding but I think that hurt her feelings and she saw it as a consolation prize. 

    As for the bachelorette party, it really is just a girls trip. The only bachelorette things about it is that it's the last girls trip I'll go on as an unmarried woman! 
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited April 2017

    Knottie20032143 said:
    tI'm not assuming that anyone on this board didn't pay for their own weddings. I'm just saying that a lot of this etiquette comes from the European/Anglican tradition of having the family of the bride pay for the wedding and enlists the Wedding Party and other family members with other duties,responsibilities, or expectations. I am neither European or Anglican and find many of these traditions to be outdated and unreasonable in today's economy. I understand this board is very focused on age-old traditions but I'm lucky to have friends that are very like-minded. I'm sure many people will find my behavior tacky but I'm lucky to have a great group of friends who aren't looking to be offended and don't see my trip that way at all.

    These are not "European/Anglo traditions".  They are simply basic good manners.  If you do not care about treated people with basic etiquette, then there is no reason for you to be asking us questions about it.  You asked -we answered.

    There is nothing outdated about treating your friends with respect and considerations.  Asking people to spend their time and money to celebrate a special event - to which they are not invited - is rude! 

    I have known many Latino people.  If anything, the Latino culture is more traditional than the European culture, especially regarding weddings!  Bachelorette parties are not traditional.  They have only come into existence very recently.  You are the one who posted that you were having a "bachelorette trip".

    You cannot have it both ways.  Either you decide to have a traditional wedding and invite guests, or you decide to have your private wedding and cancel pre-wedding parties like showers and bachelorette trips.  Gifts have nothing to do with this.

    Ask you relatives to plan a tea or a celebration party AFTER your wedding.  No problem with that.




    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • Knottie20032143Knottie20032143 member
    First Comment
    CMGragain said:

    Knottie20032143 said:
    tI'm not assuming that anyone on this board didn't pay for their own weddings. I'm just saying that a lot of this etiquette comes from the European/Anglican tradition of having the family of the bride pay for the wedding and enlists the Wedding Party and other family members with other duties,responsibilities, or expectations. I am neither European or Anglican and find many of these traditions to be outdated and unreasonable in today's economy. I understand this board is very focused on age-old traditions but I'm lucky to have friends that are very like-minded. I'm sure many people will find my behavior tacky but I'm lucky to have a great group of friends who aren't looking to be offended and don't see my trip that way at all.

    These are not "European/Anglo traditions".  They are simply basic good manners.  If you do not care about treated people with basic etiquette, then there is no reason for you to be asking us questions about it.  You asked -we answered.

    There is nothing outdated about treating your friends with respect and considerations.  Asking people to spend their time and money to celebrate a special event - to which they are not invited - is rude! 

    I have known many Latino people.  If anything, the Latino culture is more traditional than the European culture, especially regarding weddings!  Bachelorette parties are not traditional.  They have only come into existence very recently.  You are the one who posted that you were having a "bachelorette trip".

    You cannot have it both ways.  Either you decide to have a traditional wedding and invite guests, or you decide to have your private wedding and cancel pre-wedding parties like showers and bachelorette trips.  Gifts have nothing to do with this.

    Ask you relatives to plan a tea or a celebration party AFTER your wedding.  No problem with that.




    Well if a bachelorette trip is not traditional and is a new event, I don't see how my take on it is so "improper"! But anyway, I was never asking about my bachelorette trip. My post was about who to tell my aunt to invite or not invite. 

    And if you know many Latino families then you must know that we are big and tight-knit and spend time together virtually every weekend. So, I highly doubt that asking them to spend their time on me will offend them as you insinuated. In fact, I would love for them to spend time with me just not their money :) I would love a post-wedding shower and will plan for that, and continue trying to dissuade my aunt from throwing a bridal shower. 

    However, it is incorrect for you to say that these are not Anglican or European etiquette rules because they definitely are. All cultures have their own sets of etiquette and customs and the American wedding tradition/etiquette is strongly based on their neighbors from across the pond. 
    Report Reply
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Knottie20032143 said:
    CMGragain said:

    Knottie20032143 said:
    tI'm not assuming that anyone on this board didn't pay for their own weddings. I'm just saying that a lot of this etiquette comes from the European/Anglican tradition of having the family of the bride pay for the wedding and enlists the Wedding Party and other family members with other duties,responsibilities, or expectations. I am neither European or Anglican and find many of these traditions to be outdated and unreasonable in today's economy. I understand this board is very focused on age-old traditions but I'm lucky to have friends that are very like-minded. I'm sure many people will find my behavior tacky but I'm lucky to have a great group of friends who aren't looking to be offended and don't see my trip that way at all.

    These are not "European/Anglo traditions".  They are simply basic good manners.  If you do not care about treated people with basic etiquette, then there is no reason for you to be asking us questions about it.  You asked -we answered.

    There is nothing outdated about treating your friends with respect and considerations.  Asking people to spend their time and money to celebrate a special event - to which they are not invited - is rude! 

    I have known many Latino people.  If anything, the Latino culture is more traditional than the European culture, especially regarding weddings!  Bachelorette parties are not traditional.  They have only come into existence very recently.  You are the one who posted that you were having a "bachelorette trip".

    You cannot have it both ways.  Either you decide to have a traditional wedding and invite guests, or you decide to have your private wedding and cancel pre-wedding parties like showers and bachelorette trips.  Gifts have nothing to do with this.

    Ask you relatives to plan a tea or a celebration party AFTER your wedding.  No problem with that.




    Well if a bachelorette trip is not traditional and is a new event, I don't see how my take on it is so "improper"! But anyway, I was never asking about my bachelorette trip. My post was about who to tell my aunt to invite or not invite. 

    And if you know many Latino families then you must know that we are big and tight-knit and spend time together virtually every weekend. So, I highly doubt that asking them to spend their time on me will offend them as you insinuated. In fact, I would love for them to spend time with me just not their money :) I would love a post-wedding shower and will plan for that, and continue trying to dissuade my aunt from throwing a bridal shower. 

    However, it is incorrect for you to say that these are not Anglican or European etiquette rules because they definitely are. All cultures have their own sets of etiquette and customs and the American wedding tradition/etiquette is strongly based on their neighbors from across the pond. 
    It is not the fact that it is a bachelorette trip that makes it improper. What makes it improper is that any pre-wedding event should only include people who invited to the wedding. However, you said in another post on the thread that it isn't really being called a bachelorette but a girls' trip. So ok, just don't do the wearing of "bride" accessories and the like. Go on a trip with your friends, have a great time, it just isn't your bachelorette.
    Report Reply
  • Knottie20032143Knottie20032143 member
    First Comment
    MyNameIsNot said:
    Knottie20032143 said:
    MyNameIsNot said:
    Knottie20032143 said:
    CMGragain said:

    Knottie20032143 said:
    Hi All, 

    I am having a very small wedding, just going to city hall and then taking my immediate family & FI's immediate family to a luncheon afterward. That night, FH and I will be bar hopping in our city's downtown to celebrate and many of our friends will be joining us. We will have no bridesmaids or groomsmen, but I am going on a bachelorette party trip (to Mexico) with my closest girlfriends. 

    My aunt and mom want to throw me a bridal shower, (even though my aunt is not part of the wedding luncheon) and my question is, who do I invite? I know that my aunts and cousins really want to be part of it, so should I just have her invite my family members or should I extend an invite to my girlfriends that are going on the Bachelorette trip with me? Also, I know that my aunts want to bring gifts but I definitely don't expect presents from my friends, so should I instead make it a Bridal Tea and specify no gifts? 

    Thanks!

    STARMOON44 said:
    No one.
    STARMOON is absolutely correct, and she was not joking!  When you decided to have a private wedding with immediate family only, you gave up having showers and bachelorette parties.  If these parties are really important to you, then you need to change your wedding plans and invite all the people you want to invite to these parties.  Bridal parties are not necessary.
    These parties are not important to me. They are important to my aunts and my mom though. I know that they will throw me a "shower" either way, even if I protest they will just make it a surprise shower. I figured I might as well give in and be part of the planning process so that I have some control. I just don't want anyone to feel like they need to bring a gift and I don't want hurt feelings (with my family, there will probably be more of if there is no shower at all). So going by what some of the other ladies suggested, I think an afternoon Tea Party is best so that I can include the women in my family in the festivities since it's important to them...not to me. Do you think I should just tell my mom and aunt to spread the word verbally that it's no gifts? 

    And regarding the bachelorette party. I appreciate your concern about not offending them. My friends are all young and not really up-to-date on Emily Post style etiquette. My questions here were mostly geared toward not offending my family. I'm not really afraid that my bachelorette crew will be offended and they are my closest friends so I'm sure they would let me know if it was out of their budget or they thought it was improper. They've also all had non-traditional/non-conventional weddings. I wasn't offended, I think it's a little different for our generation since we're all paying for our own weddings and have already lived with our FI for a few years before marrying, so most of the traditional aspects are kind of pointless to us. I'm just trying to be careful in regards to my family and they don't seem to understand that I don't want a big reception or pre-wedding parties LOL 
    They'll be upset that they aren't invited to a shower, but they are A-ok with not being invited to a wedding? Let's get real here. If you care about including them, invite them to the wedding.

    If you don't care about being rude to your friends, that's your prerogative. Most people would not want to do something rude to friends on principle, not limited only to whether you think they'll realize it in the near future or whether they'll tell you they're upset about it. 

    Nope, as stated in my earlier response, they are not OK with not going to the wedding. However, since it's my wedding and I'm paying for it without any family help, I will be keeping it very small and within my budget. If you'd been paying attention you would have read that I don't want any pre-wedding showers or teas at all. It is at my families insistence that they throw me one because THEY want to be part of my wedding in whichever way they can be. I will not be budging on my wedding reception and it seems they will not be budging on throwing me a party...so I would like to make it as "proper" as I can and celebrate with tea with my family but also make sure there is no miscommunication from my aunt where the guests feel like I expect gifts. 
    Then say no to the shower. Why are you somehow ok with telling them no about the wedding, but the shower is where you buckle? Because it's someone else's money?

    "Hi aunt, it's sweet of you to offer, but I'm really not comfortable with having people at a pre-wedding party when they aren't invited to the wedding. I don't want it to look like a gift grab, and I don't want to make people feel bad about not being included in the wedding. Please do not throw a shower. If you make it a surprise, I will be horribly embarrassed and will walk out." 


    I guess you haven't read my posts thoroughly. I've told my aunt no on several different occasions throughout the past few months and instead of respecting my wishes, she has said that she will just make it a "surprise" shower. It has nothing to do with not spending my own money, it is about the fact that she is the hostess so if she decided to plan a party and not tell me about it, well there's nothing I can do and I don't want the guests to think they should bring gifts. However, I am the "host" of my wedding and have full control, hence not buckling there. I will try to say it to her your way though and see how that works. However, even if she ignores my wishes, I think it would be terrible etiquette to walk out of a party being thrown in my honor. 
    Report Reply
  • Knottie20032143Knottie20032143 member
    First Comment
    ILoveBeachMusic said:
    Knottie20032143 said:
    CMGragain said:

    Knottie20032143 said:
    tI'm not assuming that anyone on this board didn't pay for their own weddings. I'm just saying that a lot of this etiquette comes from the European/Anglican tradition of having the family of the bride pay for the wedding and enlists the Wedding Party and other family members with other duties,responsibilities, or expectations. I am neither European or Anglican and find many of these traditions to be outdated and unreasonable in today's economy. I understand this board is very focused on age-old traditions but I'm lucky to have friends that are very like-minded. I'm sure many people will find my behavior tacky but I'm lucky to have a great group of friends who aren't looking to be offended and don't see my trip that way at all.

    These are not "European/Anglo traditions".  They are simply basic good manners.  If you do not care about treated people with basic etiquette, then there is no reason for you to be asking us questions about it.  You asked -we answered.

    There is nothing outdated about treating your friends with respect and considerations.  Asking people to spend their time and money to celebrate a special event - to which they are not invited - is rude! 

    I have known many Latino people.  If anything, the Latino culture is more traditional than the European culture, especially regarding weddings!  Bachelorette parties are not traditional.  They have only come into existence very recently.  You are the one who posted that you were having a "bachelorette trip".

    You cannot have it both ways.  Either you decide to have a traditional wedding and invite guests, or you decide to have your private wedding and cancel pre-wedding parties like showers and bachelorette trips.  Gifts have nothing to do with this.

    Ask you relatives to plan a tea or a celebration party AFTER your wedding.  No problem with that.




    Well if a bachelorette trip is not traditional and is a new event, I don't see how my take on it is so "improper"! But anyway, I was never asking about my bachelorette trip. My post was about who to tell my aunt to invite or not invite. 

    And if you know many Latino families then you must know that we are big and tight-knit and spend time together virtually every weekend. So, I highly doubt that asking them to spend their time on me will offend them as you insinuated. In fact, I would love for them to spend time with me just not their money :) I would love a post-wedding shower and will plan for that, and continue trying to dissuade my aunt from throwing a bridal shower. 

    However, it is incorrect for you to say that these are not Anglican or European etiquette rules because they definitely are. All cultures have their own sets of etiquette and customs and the American wedding tradition/etiquette is strongly based on their neighbors from across the pond. 
    It is not the fact that it is a bachelorette trip that makes it improper. What makes it improper is that any pre-wedding event should only include people who invited to the wedding. However, you said in another post on the thread that it isn't really being called a bachelorette but a girls' trip. So ok, just don't do the wearing of "bride" accessories and the like. Go on a trip with your friends, have a great time, it just isn't your bachelorette.
    Sounds good to me! 
    Report Reply
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    Knottie20032143 said:
    MyNameIsNot said:
    Knottie20032143 said:
    MyNameIsNot said:
    Knottie20032143 said:
    CMGragain said:

    Knottie20032143 said:
    Hi All, 

    I am having a very small wedding, just going to city hall and then taking my immediate family & FI's immediate family to a luncheon afterward. That night, FH and I will be bar hopping in our city's downtown to celebrate and many of our friends will be joining us. We will have no bridesmaids or groomsmen, but I am going on a bachelorette party trip (to Mexico) with my closest girlfriends. 

    My aunt and mom want to throw me a bridal shower, (even though my aunt is not part of the wedding luncheon) and my question is, who do I invite? I know that my aunts and cousins really want to be part of it, so should I just have her invite my family members or should I extend an invite to my girlfriends that are going on the Bachelorette trip with me? Also, I know that my aunts want to bring gifts but I definitely don't expect presents from my friends, so should I instead make it a Bridal Tea and specify no gifts? 

    Thanks!

    STARMOON44 said:
    No one.
    STARMOON is absolutely correct, and she was not joking!  When you decided to have a private wedding with immediate family only, you gave up having showers and bachelorette parties.  If these parties are really important to you, then you need to change your wedding plans and invite all the people you want to invite to these parties.  Bridal parties are not necessary.
    These parties are not important to me. They are important to my aunts and my mom though. I know that they will throw me a "shower" either way, even if I protest they will just make it a surprise shower. I figured I might as well give in and be part of the planning process so that I have some control. I just don't want anyone to feel like they need to bring a gift and I don't want hurt feelings (with my family, there will probably be more of if there is no shower at all). So going by what some of the other ladies suggested, I think an afternoon Tea Party is best so that I can include the women in my family in the festivities since it's important to them...not to me. Do you think I should just tell my mom and aunt to spread the word verbally that it's no gifts? 

    And regarding the bachelorette party. I appreciate your concern about not offending them. My friends are all young and not really up-to-date on Emily Post style etiquette. My questions here were mostly geared toward not offending my family. I'm not really afraid that my bachelorette crew will be offended and they are my closest friends so I'm sure they would let me know if it was out of their budget or they thought it was improper. They've also all had non-traditional/non-conventional weddings. I wasn't offended, I think it's a little different for our generation since we're all paying for our own weddings and have already lived with our FI for a few years before marrying, so most of the traditional aspects are kind of pointless to us. I'm just trying to be careful in regards to my family and they don't seem to understand that I don't want a big reception or pre-wedding parties LOL 
    They'll be upset that they aren't invited to a shower, but they are A-ok with not being invited to a wedding? Let's get real here. If you care about including them, invite them to the wedding.

    If you don't care about being rude to your friends, that's your prerogative. Most people would not want to do something rude to friends on principle, not limited only to whether you think they'll realize it in the near future or whether they'll tell you they're upset about it. 

    Nope, as stated in my earlier response, they are not OK with not going to the wedding. However, since it's my wedding and I'm paying for it without any family help, I will be keeping it very small and within my budget. If you'd been paying attention you would have read that I don't want any pre-wedding showers or teas at all. It is at my families insistence that they throw me one because THEY want to be part of my wedding in whichever way they can be. I will not be budging on my wedding reception and it seems they will not be budging on throwing me a party...so I would like to make it as "proper" as I can and celebrate with tea with my family but also make sure there is no miscommunication from my aunt where the guests feel like I expect gifts. 
    Then say no to the shower. Why are you somehow ok with telling them no about the wedding, but the shower is where you buckle? Because it's someone else's money?

    "Hi aunt, it's sweet of you to offer, but I'm really not comfortable with having people at a pre-wedding party when they aren't invited to the wedding. I don't want it to look like a gift grab, and I don't want to make people feel bad about not being included in the wedding. Please do not throw a shower. If you make it a surprise, I will be horribly embarrassed and will walk out." 


    I guess you haven't read my posts thoroughly. I've told my aunt no on several different occasions throughout the past few months and instead of respecting my wishes, she has said that she will just make it a "surprise" shower. It has nothing to do with not spending my own money, it is about the fact that she is the hostess so if she decided to plan a party and not tell me about it, well there's nothing I can do and I don't want the guests to think they should bring gifts. However, I am the "host" of my wedding and have full control, hence not buckling there. I will try to say it to her your way though and see how that works. However, even if she ignores my wishes, I think it would be terrible etiquette to walk out of a party being thrown in my honor. 
    Nope, etiquette does not require you to be a doormat. Put your foot down and tell her that this is non-negotiable. If she does ignores your wishes, you are well within your rights to do exactly what you told her you'd do. Does she really want to be there so much that she'll deliberately embarrass you? 

    I am reading your posts. What you say just doesn't make sense. If she were this insistent about a shower, why is she not insisting that she will just show up at the ceremony? 

    In any event, when you accept the shower, you tell her that you will roll over and accept her wishes if she pushes hard enough. Once she gets what she wants with the shower, she'll start pushing for the next thing. 
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