Wedding Party

Apparently I've misunderstood....

So I've been on these boards reading a few things, and it has come to my attention that apparently the MOH and BM don't have any actual responsibilities when planning a wedding. I thought the whole point of having a Maid of Honor and Best man was to help with the wedding? Go to dress fittings, tastings, help plan bachelor/ette parties, general moral support when stuff gets stressful, hold the bouquet/rings at the ceremony etc. etc. So, what, their whole job (bridesmaids and groomsmen included) is to just show up and look pretty? Not to mention these people expect gifts for being in the wedding party. Why bother having them at that point? 
We've been going by these:
https://www.theknot.com/content/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail
https://www.theknot.com/content/best-man-duties-in-detail
https://www.theknot.com/content/groomsmen-duties-in-detail
https://www.theknot.com/content/bridesmaids-duties-in-detail

Where did I miss something that these people have no responsibilities? If they're just suppose to be accessories then It'll save me a lot of time and heartache by not having to decide if I like people enough to have them stand up in my wedding.
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Re: Apparently I've misunderstood....

  • geebee908geebee908 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    edited April 2017
    You know that these "responsibilities" don't really make anyone excited to be in your wedding party either. Most people would rather be just a guest at the wedding of a bride and groom with your expectations. Do yourself a favor and save everyone the trouble of being one of your "honored" guests by not having any WP if you only see them as unpaid wedding planners.
    charlotte989875InLoveInQueens
  • geebee908 said:
    You know that these "responsibilities" don't really make anyone excited to be in your wedding party either. Most people would rather be just a guest at the wedding of a bride and groom with your expectations. Do yourself a favor and save everyone the trouble of being one of your "honored" guests by not having any WP if you only see them as unpaid wedding planners.
    Maybe I have an odd group of people I associate with, as people who I've been talking to have straight up volunteered to help me plan and do things for my wedding. Obviously I would honor these people by making them my bridesmaids/MOH. I don't think that by being my friend you need to be honored in my wedding, like, what exactly did you do? You showed up to eat and party like everyone else. Congrats.

    So, by ya'll's standards, they just show up and look pretty but don't have to do anything. Do I have to pay for their clothes too?

    *Note on my first post - I'm not following those specifically, but they were easier to find then what me and my FI/MOH/BM are using. For example, my parents are paying for the bridal shower. Not to mention the Knot List doesn't actually have a lot of things they are expected to pay for (just suggestions).  
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Anyone can volunteer to do things for you not just your wedding party. You are honoring them because they have been special in your life, not just a friend. No you don't have to pay for their clothes but you do need to check with each privately to get a budget and pick a dress under the lowest amount. Your wedding shouldn't be a financial burden on your party.
    short+sassysparklepants41ernursejSP29
  • They're not supposed to be accessories at all. They are supposed to be people important to you who you want to honor on your wedding day. They may want to do other things like throw you parties and help you plan, and it's fine to accept those offers, but it isn't their responsibility. 
    [Deleted User]SP29
  • Ro041Ro041 member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    So I've been on these boards reading a few things, and it has come to my attention that apparently the MOH and BM don't have any actual responsibilities when planning a wedding. I thought the whole point of having a Maid of Honor and Best man was to help with the wedding? Go to dress fittings, tastings, help plan bachelor/ette parties, general moral support when stuff gets stressful, hold the bouquet/rings at the ceremony etc. etc. So, what, their whole job (bridesmaids and groomsmen included) is to just show up and look pretty? Not to mention these people expect gifts for being in the wedding party. Why bother having them at that point? 
    We've been going by these:
    https://www.theknot.com/content/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail
    https://www.theknot.com/content/best-man-duties-in-detail
    https://www.theknot.com/content/groomsmen-duties-in-detail
    https://www.theknot.com/content/bridesmaids-duties-in-detail

    Where did I miss something that these people have no responsibilities? If they're just suppose to be accessories then It'll save me a lot of time and heartache by not having to decide if I like people enough to have them stand up in my wedding.
    Good God - I hope your dearest friends don't know you refer to them as "these people" who are greedy and angling for a gift from you.

    Maybe I have an odd group of people I associate with, as people who I've been talking to have straight up volunteered to help me plan and do things for my wedding. Obviously I would honor these people by making them my bridesmaids/MOH. I don't think that by being my friend you need to be honored in my wedding, like, what exactly did you do? You showed up to eat and party like everyone else. Congrats.

    So, by ya'll's standards, they just show up and look pretty but don't have to do anything. Do I have to pay for their clothes too?

    *Note on my first post - I'm not following those specifically, but they were easier to find then what me and my FI/MOH/BM are using. For example, my parents are paying for the bridal shower. Not to mention the Knot List doesn't actually have a lot of things they are expected to pay for (just suggestions).  
    First bolded - ugh with the "these people" phrasing again.

    Second bolded - No, you don't have to pay for their clothes, but you should be mindful of their budget (i.e. ask them what they are comfortable spending) before telling them what to wear.  

    How wonderful that you have people in your life who have offered to help you with aspects of your wedding planning.  You should thank them for volunteering to do something that they are not required to do.  By the same token, you should not get offended if your friends are not as interested in your wedding and the planning as you are.

    How wonderful that your parents have offered to pay for your bridal shower.  I have not been as fortunate but I am not angry at my family for not offering to pay.  

    SP29
  • People should ask someone to be in their WP because that is a person they are so close to, they want to honor them by asking them to stand up with them.  That is the "be all and end all" of it.

    ANYONE can offer to host a bach. party and/or shower.  They do not need to be in the WP.  Or no one offers to host a bach. party or shower and then the bride/groom just doesn't have one or both.  That is fine also.

    Oftentimes, who the bride/groom choose to be in their WP and the people who choose to host a bach. and/or shower...are all the same people.  Because what all of this has in common is "people who are close to each other".  But just because it is usually members of the WP who host those events, doesn't mean that is always the case or should be expected.  And vice versa.

    My BFF asked me to be a bridesmaid.  She then added that she would have asked me to be her MOH, but felt she HAD to ask her sister and "plus", since I didn't live nearby, I wouldn't have been able to host her bach. party or shower. 

    It's fine she wanted her sister to be her MOH and me to be a BM.  Full Stop.  But her two reasons for that were both B.S.  And TELLING me those reasons was especially WTF?!?  Of course, my response to her asking me was, "I'd love to be a BM!  Thank you for asking me!"  But it certainly put a bad taste in my mouth.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    sparklepants41[Deleted User]SP29
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited April 2017
    When you choose people to be members of your wedding party, you are honoring them.  They are not there to honor YOU.
    This is the best article I have found about the responsibilities of members of your wedding party.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bridesmaidec Please note that the bridesmaids duties are minimal, though some bridesmaids choose to do more.  This is THEIR choice, not yours.

    I recommend you read This book for excellent advice about planning your wedding.  It is a fun read, too.  https://www.amazon.com/Manners-Guide-Surprisingly-Dignified-Wedding/dp/0393069141/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1491841587&sr=8-1&keywords=Miss+Manners+wedding

    Your posts seem very entitled.  Not attractive for a bride.


    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    SP29
  • Ah! Oh I just realized how bad 'these people' sounded over text! I didn't mean it as a snide comment, I meant like "these people specifically as opposed to", so these people as a collective in reference to people I'm thinking about having in my wedding party. More like, "I'm putting these people at table 8"
  • CMGragain said:
    When you choose people to be members of your wedding party, you are honoring them.  They are not there to honor YOU.
    This is the best article I have found about the responsibilities of members of your wedding party.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bridesmaidec Please note that the bridesmaids duties are minimal, though some bridesmaids choose to do more.  This is THEIR choice, not yours.

    I recommend you read This book for excellent advice about planning your wedding.  It is a fun read, too.  https://www.amazon.com/Manners-Guide-Surprisingly-Dignified-Wedding/dp/0393069141/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1491841587&sr=8-1&keywords=Miss+Manners+wedding

    Your posts seem very entitled.  Not attractive for a bride.


    Thanks for the reads! I can't wait to dig into the book. 

    And yes, I realize they sound entitled, probably because they are, and I am. But thanks SO much for pointing that out! Totally appreciate it!
  • Maybe I have an odd group of people I associate with, as people who I've been talking to have plan straight up volunteered to help me and do things for my wedding. Obviously I would honor these people by making them my bridesmaids/MOH. I don't think that by being my friend you need to be honored in my wedding, like, what exactly did you do? You showed up to eat and party like everyone else. Congrats.

    So, by ya'll's standards, they just show up and look pretty but don't have to do anything. Do I have to pay for their clothes too?

    *Note on my first post - I'm not following those specifically, but they were easier to find then what me and my FI/MOH/BM are using. For example, my parents are paying for the bridal shower. Not to mention the Knot List doesn't actually have a lot of things they are expected to pay for (just suggestions).  
    People volunteering is totally fine. Anyone can volunteer to help you. If you want the help, accept the offer. If not, politely decline. Either way, you don't have to make someone a bridesmaid/MOH because they offer to help you do something. 

    No, you don't have to pay for their clothes. But you do have to ask each of them privately what their budget is for attire, then pick something under the lowest budget. Or, if you don't care if they match, tell them to wear whatever they want.

    Whoever you choose to stand up for you are your guests of honor. That's the point. If you don't care about anyone enough to honor them this way, then don't have any BMs. At the end of the day, it's up to you and your FI to pay for and plan your wedding.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • ei34ei34 member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I got all into planning pre-wedding events for my sister and going to dress fittings and helping with her favor and having long phone/text convos when something wedding-related stressed her out, not because I was her MOH but because she's my best friend in the world and I love her.  

    When she was pregnant I threw myself into her baby shower and went with her to Pea in the Pod to find clothes she liked and helped her set up the nursery and we had long phone/text convos when something baby-related stressed her out...no title this time (well, aunt/godmother) but again, just bc she's my best friend. 

    When selecting your WP, pick the people you're incredibly close with, that you love dearly, because it's nice to honor those you're closest to.  Maybe some of them will fulfill some of your visions?  The links are correct though, the only requirements of WP members are to arrive at the ceremony on time, in the agreed upon attire, and smile for photos.
    charlotte989875[Deleted User]
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited April 2017
    @NariNamekaze, I like the way you have responded to criticism.  I hope you stay around.  We can help you plan your wedding.  If you need "moral support", come to us, not your bridesmaids.  Warning:  We will tell you the truth, even if you don't like it!

    Question:  Why do you need someone to come with you to a dress fitting?  You only need your seamstress to do a fitting.  Other people would just get in the way.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • OP, I used to think the same way you did. I was in a few weddings before mine, and the first one was for a real demanding bride. She had all of these ~~visions~~ about her day (including us holding her zillion-foot veil for pictures so it looked like it was blowing in the wind). They had a gigantic wedding party, she did the weekend out of town bachelorette, multiple showers, the whole shebang. *Not that gifts were the reason I was in her wedding BUT* she only gifted us the jewelry she wanted us to wear in the wedding. She also didn't check our budget for the dress, or let us know we were expected to pay for our pedicures and hair the day of the wedding. I didn't really feel like an honored friend, but instead kind of felt more like I was an accessory for her wedding.

    After my experiences and hearing from friends, I expected nothing from my BMs besides showing up and standing with me. They all live OOT, so I told them when my bachelorette party was but didn't expect them to come. I let them pick any dress they wanted in the same color, and asked them about hair & nails before I booked anything (and paid for part of it). From my point of view, these were people who have been supportive of me and have loved me for a good part of my life. I wanted to let them know they were special and important to me, and I wanted them to be comfortable. I gave them individualized gifts and wrote them all cards to tell them how important they were to me and thanking them for not only being in our wedding, but also for being part of our lives.

    The TL; DR read version of this is: WPs are not necessary. If you have one, its purpose is to honor those people in your life you couldn't live without. They will likely offer to help (since they're your nearest and dearest!) but if they can't, it's okay! Giving them gifts is not only to thank them for being in your wedding, but also for being part of your life. Even with minimal expectations, being part of a wedding is a little more involved than just attending as a guest.
    CMGragaincharlotte989875InLoveInQueensSP29
  • @climbingwife Honestly? The people I have to chose from (haven't made any solid decisions) I kind of like... I like them a lot more then the people I had originally wanted in my wedding party (I had a falling out with two of them, non wedding related, and I'm glad I have removed them from my life and subsequently wedding), but I don't feel particularly close to them, and I'm fairly certain we're using each other to meet our means. (Wedding planning support on my end, their greedy and want the perks I'm offering. If i wasn't, not a single person I want to ask would say yes. *please don't equate this to my bad attitude. This has evolved over the past two months or so. My Fiance isn't having this problem it seems).

    My Fiance has been the biggest help so far, as he always is. He's super involved and wants to help with every facet of the wedding (he even came up with the plans for the center pieces and they're gorgeous). While I would LOVE for someone besides my fiance and I to do some of the work, no, I'm not expecting it to happen but at the same time I am expecting you to offer. I don't have a better explanation of what I mean. 

    The dresses I'm looking at range from $30 to $75 for bridesmaids. I absolutely do not want these people my WP to pay an arm and a leg for a dress they will wear once, maybe twice, although I'm shooting to find dresses that they can use outside of weddings. 
  • edited April 2017
    @CMGragain Thank you! I plan to at least be around until the wedding, and so far people here have been way more helpful then the options I have for my wedding party! (Thank you, everyone!). 

    I think I'm thinking the dress fitting is shopping for the actual dress. I've been using the terms interchangeably but no, not the actual fittings, just going to find the dress because I want/need the input (and as much as I would love to take my fiance, he wants to be surprised and I really want to surprise him.)

    By the way, that is an adorable cat! 
    ei34
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @climbingwife Honestly? The people I have to chose from (haven't made any solid decisions) I kind of like... I like them a lot more then the people I had originally wanted in my wedding party (I had a falling out with two of them, non wedding related, and I'm glad I have removed them from my life and subsequently wedding), but I don't feel particularly close to them, and I'm fairly certain we're using each other to meet our means. (Wedding planning support on my end, their greedy and want the perks I'm offering. If i wasn't, not a single person I want to ask would say yes. *please don't equate this to my bad attitude. This has evolved over the past two months or so. My Fiance isn't having this problem it seems).

    My Fiance has been the biggest help so far, as he always is. He's super involved and wants to help with every facet of the wedding (he even came up with the plans for the center pieces and they're gorgeous). While I would LOVE for someone besides my fiance and I to do some of the work, no, I'm not expecting it to happen but at the same time I am expecting you to offer. I don't have a better explanation of what I mean. 

    The dresses I'm looking at range from $30 to $75 for bridesmaids. I absolutely do not want these people my WP to pay an arm and a leg for a dress they will wear once, maybe twice, although I'm shooting to find dresses that they can use outside of weddings. 
    What on earth are the "perks" you have already offered or are currently offering?

    And really, you can't expect wedding planning support from your bridal party. It may come naturally if you're close and therefore they want and offer to be involved, but if they actually don't care (about you or the wedding) then the help they'd give would be more hassle then help in a lot of cases. If it has to be forced based solely on a title, neither of you are going to be happy with the result.
    charlotte989875InLoveInQueens
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited April 2017
    @climbingwife Honestly? The people I have to chose from (haven't made any solid decisions) I kind of like... I like them a lot more then the people I had originally wanted in my wedding party (I had a falling out with two of them, non wedding related, and I'm glad I have removed them from my life and subsequently wedding), but I don't feel particularly close to them, and I'm fairly certain we're using each other to meet our means. (Wedding planning support on my end, their greedy and want the perks I'm offering. If i wasn't, not a single person I want to ask would say yes. *please don't equate this to my bad attitude. This has evolved over the past two months or so. My Fiance isn't having this problem it seems).

    My Fiance has been the biggest help so far, as he always is. He's super involved and wants to help with every facet of the wedding (he even came up with the plans for the center pieces and they're gorgeous). While I would LOVE for someone besides my fiance and I to do some of the work, no, I'm not expecting it to happen but at the same time I am expecting you to offer. I don't have a better explanation of what I mean. 

    The dresses I'm looking at range from $30 to $75 for bridesmaids. I absolutely do not want these people my WP to pay an arm and a leg for a dress they will wear once, maybe twice, although I'm shooting to find dresses that they can use outside of weddings. 
    I'm sorry, just to clarify: you know not one, but two adult human beings who were 'using you for bridesmaid perks'?

    If you and your fi can't do all the wedding work, remunerate someone commiserate with their experience to do it for you. You can't volunteer someone to do you a favour. 

    This all seems dodgier than a week-old curry. 
    charlotte989875ahoyweddingInLoveInQueensSP29
  • If you don't have any close friends don't feel like you need a bridal party at all. If you go into it thinking people are being greedy and using you for perks it won't go well. 
    charlotte989875SP29
  • edited April 2017
    @ahoywedding I do have some demanding visions... like round tables with ten chairs (which is apparently an impossible feat)... I have no dreams or pretenses about a bach. party, bridal shower, whatever. I've definitely kept a budget in mind (previous post: dresses I'm looking at are 30-75$), I'm paying for hair, nails, massages, over night accommodations/transportation/flights, the jewelry, dance lessons, I bought us all gym memberships and time w/personal trainers (not because I think they need to lose weight, I was going and wanted people to go with. Mind you they haven't received these yet because I haven't settled on my WP but they know they exist because of someone who has a big mouth), and am planning personalized gifts for them.  
     
    @LondonLisa Seven actually, of which only four will be in my WP

    @flantastic I have no idea what to call them at this point. Perks was my for runner. Feel free to suggest better terms. I'm honestly not sure what to call anything after getting on the forums here, because ya'll have thrown me for a loop. 
  • @ahoywedding I do have some demanding visions... like round tables with ten chairs (which is apparently an impossible feat)... I have no dreams or pretenses about a bach. party, bridal shower, whatever. I've definitely kept a budget in mind (previous post: dresses I'm looking at are 30-75$), I'm paying for hair, nails, massages, over night accommodations/transportation/flights, the jewelry, dance lessons, I bought us all gym memberships and time w/personal trainers (not because I think they need to lose weight, I was going and wanted people to go with. Mind you they haven't received these yet because I haven't settled on my WP but they know they exist because of someone who has a big mouth), and am planning personalized gifts for them.  
     
    @LondonLisa Seven actually, of which only four will be in my WP

    @flantastic I have no idea what to call them at this point. Perks was my for runner. Feel free to suggest better terms. I'm honestly not sure what to call anything after getting on the forums here, because ya'll have thrown me for a loop. 
    WHAT?!? Why would there be dance lessons? Personal trainers?!? You're outta your mind. 
    CMGragaincharlotte989875InLoveInQueens
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