Pre-wedding Parties
Knottie9910725
member
Future MIL Overtaking Shower
Ok...so my fiance and I are getting married in August 2017. We are paying for most of the wedding ourselves - both sides of the family gave us some money, but we are paying for more than 50%. When the time came for my MOH to plan the Bridal Shower, my mom let me know that after the money she already gave me, she couldn't afford to pay for anything else. I told her that that was totally fine, I had extra money in my budget, and I could contribute to the shower if needed. My MOH and I sat down, discussed the situation, and we decided to have a small shower at my house and that I could take care of the food and my MOH would plan the rest with the BM's. I sent my MOH a guest list, as she requested, and that was it.
When my future MIL found out I 'had my hand in' the shower, she freaked. She also demanded that I have a larger shower and invite all of my fiance's cousins (I invited all of the Aunt's from both sides, BM's, close friends of mine and stopped there). I told her no and then she decided that she should throw me a separate shower, all by herself, exclusively for my fiance's side of the family if I was 'ok with it'. I again told her no - it's not like she wants to throw me a shower out of the goodness of her heart, she just wants to get her way.
My fiance got involved at my request and told her to back off because it's our wedding and, as the bride, my say is final -- but she's still pushing and told my fiance that if we don't invite these cousins who are EXPECTING a shower invite, then the family will label us as the 'black sheep' for doing something differently.
I don't want to let my future MIL walk all over me (she's already made other demands that we have said no to), but my fiance is worried that she's serious and people will be offended and potentially not even come to our wedding if they're not invited. I'm of the opinion that expecting an invite to anything, such as a Bridal Shower, is extremely rude and do not want to encourage this type of behavior.
Thoughts on this? We're supposed to have a discussion about this during the upcoming weekend face-to-face and I'm not sure what to do or say.
Thanks!
When my future MIL found out I 'had my hand in' the shower, she freaked. She also demanded that I have a larger shower and invite all of my fiance's cousins (I invited all of the Aunt's from both sides, BM's, close friends of mine and stopped there). I told her no and then she decided that she should throw me a separate shower, all by herself, exclusively for my fiance's side of the family if I was 'ok with it'. I again told her no - it's not like she wants to throw me a shower out of the goodness of her heart, she just wants to get her way.
My fiance got involved at my request and told her to back off because it's our wedding and, as the bride, my say is final -- but she's still pushing and told my fiance that if we don't invite these cousins who are EXPECTING a shower invite, then the family will label us as the 'black sheep' for doing something differently.
I don't want to let my future MIL walk all over me (she's already made other demands that we have said no to), but my fiance is worried that she's serious and people will be offended and potentially not even come to our wedding if they're not invited. I'm of the opinion that expecting an invite to anything, such as a Bridal Shower, is extremely rude and do not want to encourage this type of behavior.
Thoughts on this? We're supposed to have a discussion about this during the upcoming weekend face-to-face and I'm not sure what to do or say.
Thanks!
Re: Future MIL Overtaking Shower
A lot going on; I agree that you really shouldn't be planning/contributing to your own shower. It sounds like you're trying to lessen the burden on your MOH, but really you shouldn't be throwing your own party.
As for the party your FMIL wants to throw; if you don't want to have another shower, then politely continue to decline. If you really don't want to do it, you don't have to.
However, one thing to think about; if she really wants to throw this party for you, if it will create or exacerbate tensions between you and her, is declining really worth it? Maybe it is and that's absolutely fine. But if this will make things worse in the future, is it really that big of a deal?
You're free to accept or decline any shower offers you want (I declined one from MIL because showers make me feel awkward; she knew I probably didn't want one when she asked), but if you accept someone's offer to host a party for you, your only contribution should be the guest list. I also think it would be acceptable to discuss things you absolutely do not want (like games that may make you feel embarrassed, etc) but if she wants to invite your FI's cousins, it's her party.
@charlotte989875 also makes a good point in that you may want to weigh your options to decide if this is a hill you want to die on. This woman will be your MIL and you will be family. Is it worth hurting her feelings?
In your FI's family, are the aunts and cousins invited to showers? Have you been with him long enough to understand protocol?
FWIW, when I was getting married I had it in my head that one shower was preferred. Then I realized that logistically that wasn't going to work.
In my husband's family, the showers include the aunts and cousins and the wives of the male cousins. Depending on the venue, they include the children. He has 23 cousins and I've attended A LOT of bridal and baby showers. If someone got married and opted for a really small shower where I wasn't invited I can tell you that it WOULD stand out. It WOULD look different and while I don't think I would be offended, I would notice that for whatever reason it was a missed opportunity for the women in the family to come together and celebrate the new addition to the family - whether that addition is a grown women or a new baby.
Only you can decide if this is a hill worth dying on. But please look at this as a big picture and not as your MOH or you as not "good enough". Unless there's more to the story here, your FMIL may simply want to follow family protocol and honor you as her future daughter in law. As someone who has had to pick and choose her battles in nearly 10 years of marriage, this isn't the battle I'd pick.
Ok you're really not going to like this, but your MIL is correct that you shouldn't have a hand in your own shower. Bridal showers are gift giving events, so it's tacky and gift-grabby to plan a party in order for people to give you gifts.
If you have "deal-breakers" or whatever, you can certainly voice them. But mostly, the bride is hands-off as it's a party thrown in her honor. The MOB, MOG, grandmothers, and bridal party are standard invitees. If this is your one and only shower and it's basically your family/friends and his mom, I can see why she wants to have one for your fiance's side.
Your fiance's family wants to shower you with gifts and welcome you to the family. What's the problem? Lots of people have two showers - one for one side, one for the other side. Some people even have 3 or 4 depending on friend groups/family dynamics! I mean, if you really don't want a shower where his family members are included, fine. But it seems like the reason you're declining is because of a power struggle between you and your FMIL. Like trying to assert your authority "because the bride's say is final" (dangerously close to bridezilla territory). Not exactly a good start to integrating into his family..
Listen, this woman is going to be in your life for a very long time. Is this really the hill you want to die on? She wants to throw you a separate shower on her dime so that your FI's cousins can be included. I really can't fault her for that. I get it. In my family, aunts and cousins are always invited to showers.
Do you really want to start your marriage/relationship with his family like this? Just let her throw you the shower. I don't see what the big deal is. It seems more like you just want to fight with her.
If you still feel that FMIL is overreacting about the shower and you would rather die than attend, make sure you and FI are united in your decision (which it sounds like he's backing you up, so good for him) and be prepared for any fallout from his family.
But while I can understand your not wanting to give into heavy-handedness from your FMIL, your absolute refusal to let her host a shower for you could have done your relationship long-term damage. So I would have compromised by agreeing to the shower in exchange for a concession from your FMIL. But that's me.