Just need to vent about fmil

beachwedding2017 · April 2017

It all started about 8 or 9 months ago. She told me I could save money on something by showing a copy of my tax return since I have low income, and I froze. I really didn't know how to react.
For the record, I have a good job that pays decent. We own a house (bigger than hers)My fiance works as well and we don't have any kids so I have no clue where she got that from, or why she would think that. Even if I did have low income, who says that to someone?! It was condescending, rude, and really none of her business! Anyway, since then I really don't like being around her. She says things here and there that are either rude or not necessary. I think before we started wedding planning, I just ignored it. I knew some things were odd, but I never dwelled on it. Now, I'm just on edge

She said another doozy recently that got me upset again and that's what prompted this post. Her friend is an officiant for weddings. Apparently the 2 of them discussed her (the friend)possibly officiating our wedding (before consulting my fiance and i first) My fmil then told us neither of them would be upset if we don't end up having her officiate, but she might just come to the wedding anyway! Wait, what?! I was flabbergasted, this is a destination wedding by the way.... Do people do that?! She's just going to invite people to the wedding without asking us first? It's not like she's footing the bill. It's my mom, my fiance, and I that are paying for the wedding. I could see her stance if she was helping. But, even then, it's our wedding, just have the manners to ask first! End rant.. stay tuned I feel I might have more lol....

lnixon8 · April 2017

Where is your FI in all of this? Do you think he complained to her about money?

That is very weird about her officeint friend.

southernbelle0915 · April 2017

beachwedding2017 said:

It all started about 8 or 9 months ago. She told me I could save money on something by showing a copy of my tax return since I have low income, and I froze. I really didn't know how to react.
For the record, I have a good job that pays decent. We own a house (bigger than hers)My fiance works as well and we don't have any kids so I have no clue where she got that from, or why she would think that. Even if I did have low income, who says that to someone?! It was condescending, rude, and really none of her business! Anyway, since then I really don't like being around her. She says things here and there that are either rude or not necessary. I think before we started wedding planning, I just ignored it. I knew some things were odd, but I never dwelled on it. Now, I'm just on edge

She said another doozy recently that got me upset again and that's what prompted this post. Her friend is an officiant for weddings. Apparently the 2 of them discussed her (the friend)possibly officiating our wedding (before consulting my fiance and i first) My fmil then told us neither of them would be upset if we don't end up having her officiate, but she might just come to the wedding anyway! Wait, what?! I was flabbergasted, this is a destination wedding by the way.... Do people do that?! She's just going to invite people to the wedding without asking us first? It's not like she's footing the bill. It's my mom, my fiance, and I that are paying for the wedding. I could see her stance if she was helping. But, even then, it's our wedding, just have the manners to ask first! End rant.. stay tuned I feel I might have more lol....

Your FI needs to reign in his mom. What did he say to her when she called you "low income" and asked for a copy of your tax returns? Did you give her one, btw?

As far as the wedding, let HIM deal with her. He'll need to explain to her that y'all are determining the guest list and her friend will not be receiving an invitation. Then I would immediately stop sharing wedding details with her (like nothing at all) so that she doesn't further insert herself (and her friends) into your plans.

LondonLisa · April 2017

She sounds nuts. You need to just laugh her off and not let it get to you. Next time mil brings up officiating, fi needs to step in and say 'thanks but we have it covered. Unfortunately the guest list is closed so we'll ge unable to accommodate Susan. Looking forward to celebrating with you!'

MobKaz · April 2017

If you are paying, then you control the guest list as well as the invitations. There have been instances on the boards of brides having parents/in-laws actually photo copying invitations to add their own people onto the guest list. I suggest you avoid as long as possible giving her a physical invitation.

If for any reason your FMIL would be foolish enough to invite guests without your permission, then the humiliation is on her when she needs to rescind that invitation.

Knottie1470510490 · April 2017

My FMIL has commented on 2 separate occasions about my 'small chest' lol, you never know if they are joking or not! I wouldn't mind, I've spent almost £12,000 on my 'small chest' hahahaha

beachwedding2017 · April 2017

She didn't ask to see my tax return. I was telling her that my FI and I were thinking of joining a gym to help lose weight.(I didn't mention anything about cost being a concern) so her reply was very matter of fact "you make low income, if you join the Y and show them your tax return, they'll give you a lower rate based on income."I believe her intentions are for the most part good, but she just has a rude way of approaching things.

I wouldn't be surprised if she asked my FI how much I make and he just threw out a random number. Maybe was embarrassed and didn't want me to know she asked. He doesn't really worry about money. I did mention it to him that I was upset about her telling me that I make low income. He was there, but didn't hear her say it.
That's so crazy about people copying invitations! That takes a lot of nerve! I'm going to try to hold back on giving her info, but I feel it might be inevitable. My mom, moh, most of the bridesmaids all live states away from me.
When she first mentioned her friend coming anyway, I thought she was just joking, but she's brought it up a few times. FI and I haven't yet discussed this, but I'm sure he will say something to her if he feels she is serious.

MissKittyDanger · April 2017

If she was saying it off handed, like "oh I know the Y does it this way, I'm not sure if you qualify but maybe look in to it?" it'd be different.

You should double check where FMIL is getting her info, but I would have said something that was somewhat passive-aggressive like "With my pay, I wouldn't qualify for anything low income. I've got a good income."

SP29 · April 2017

Generally speaking, let your FI deal with his Mom. And if he is not hearing things she is saying that are making you worried, I would let him know. "FI, you Mom is talking about inviting Susan to the wedding, I think you need to clear this up with her".

However, when she says something directly to you, you can be direct with her without being confrontational. One of the best responses is, "Thanks for the idea, but we've already got it covered". If it's something offensive, or you really don't know why she made X comment, you can say, "Why would you say that?". It really puts the onus on the person who made the comment to think about what they said and why.

You're probably right that your FMIL means well but the delivery isn't there. Sometimes my grandma or FIL say things that make me cringe, but most of it can be ignored. I think you'll have to figure out which things you can laugh off and which you have to take seriously (is she just fishing to get Susan invited or will she actually tell Susan to show up? The first you can ignore, the second, your FI should say something to her ASAP). The gym comment, I would say something like, "Thanks for the tip, but we wouldn't qualify for a low income benefit".

divarhd · April 2017

Does your FI know she's saying all this to you? Mine is typically oblivious to it cause he's chatting with his dad/brothers (is it a man thing?!). You should probably speak to him so he A. knows what's up if he doesn't and 2. can talk to his mom cause that's his responsibility just like it would be yours if it was reversed.

I think you & I should have a drink sometime and share horror stories. My FMIL was fine until we got engaged, then she said she's not coming to our wedding if it's not in a Catholic Church (old news now). She had a snarky comment for me on Easter Sunday then barely spoke to me all day and this past Sunday his parents met mine for the first time. She barely spoke to me again and told my mom she'll be at the wedding IF she's not in Mexico.

I hope your patience is better than mine, cause mine is really running thin! Good luck!!

OurWildKingdom · April 2017

divarhd said:

Does your FI know she's saying all this to you? Mine is typically oblivious to it cause he's chatting with his dad/brothers (is it a man thing?!). You should probably speak to him so he A. knows what's up if he doesn't and 2. can talk to his mom cause that's his responsibility just like it would be yours if it was reversed.
I think you & I should have a drink sometime and share horror stories. My FMIL was fine until we got engaged, then she said she's not coming to our wedding if it's not in a Catholic Church (old news now). She had a snarky comment for me on Easter Sunday then barely spoke to me all day and this past Sunday his parents met mine for the first time. She barely spoke to me again and told my mom she'll be at the wedding IF she's not in Mexico.
I hope your patience is better than mine, cause mine is really running thin! Good luck!!

Wow, that really hurts, @divarhd! Has your FI talked to his mother about the way she treats you? If not, he needs to do it now.

divarhd · April 2017

OurWildKingdom said:

divarhd said:

Does your FI know she's saying all this to you? Mine is typically oblivious to it cause he's chatting with his dad/brothers (is it a man thing?!). You should probably speak to him so he A. knows what's up if he doesn't and 2. can talk to his mom cause that's his responsibility just like it would be yours if it was reversed.
I think you & I should have a drink sometime and share horror stories. My FMIL was fine until we got engaged, then she said she's not coming to our wedding if it's not in a Catholic Church (old news now). She had a snarky comment for me on Easter Sunday then barely spoke to me all day and this past Sunday his parents met mine for the first time. She barely spoke to me again and told my mom she'll be at the wedding IF she's not in Mexico.
I hope your patience is better than mine, cause mine is really running thin! Good luck!!

Wow, that really hurts, @divarhd! Has your FI talked to his mother about the way she treats you? If not, he needs to do it now.

He did after the Catholic Church comment. She tried to explain her behavior away and we let it go. He wasn't in earshot of the Easter comment but I told him about it and he doesn't even pick up on her ignoring me. His niece's first communion is this weekend and that's a whole other set of drama for me that involved a big fight last night. We'll see how it goes......

beachwedding2017 · April 2017

@divarhd I suspect there may be something else going on in her life that she's upset or frustrated about. She's taking it out on you unfortunately. People generally don't change their attitude about you overnight. So If she treated you fine before the engagement, there has to be another issue.
I would try to brush the snark/ignoring off as much as possible. Change the subject, walk away, start a conversation with someone else. Be friendly and civil to her. She'll have to come around at some point.
It's your day, if she doesn't want to be there bc of where it is being held, don't not dwell on it. She'll regret not coming if she doesn't go.

beachwedding2017 · July 2017

Update for anyone that cares! Lol. So I went shopping for flowers for the centerpieces this past weekend with fmil
On the way there, she talked about wedding details and then officially told me that her friend(whom I still haven't met) is planning on attending regardless if we want her to officiate or not!! What the hell
I was very upset, we haven't sent invites yet, but I did tell her that our guest list was final. I also expressed that we may not have room. She laughed and said do you really think all those people are coming? (Also even if no one comes, it's still extremely rude!)

Well apparently me telling her this info wasn't enough. Last night we saw her for fireworks and was still talking about this lady coming! So I'm going to express to FI he needs to tell his mom that her friend is not invited. I did type up a draft email (therapeutic for me) so if she still doesn't get it, I'm going to send. Let me know if this sounds to the point!

"Hi!

I really want to make sure that we're all on the same page with wedding invites. _____ and anyone else verbally invited is not actually invited to our wedding. It's nothing personal to anyone. One of the main reasons I wanted a destination wedding was I really just wanted only those close to us there. The majority of the guest list is my mom's side of the family. Her/my family is big(and continuing to get bigger with the addition of my soon to be brother-in law and his daughter next week!) and I already know most of their plans. I'm aware we won't have the room filled, but that was never our intention.

If we were paying a flat charge, regardless of how many attend, that might've been a different story. I really do appreciate the offer to officiate, but we decided to hire someone instead. It's important to me to only have family and close friends in attendance. I hope you understand. Thanks!"

flantastic · July 2017

beachwedding2017 said:

Update for anyone that cares! Lol. So I went shopping for flowers for the centerpieces this past weekend with fmil
On the way there, she talked about wedding details and then officially told me that her friend(whom I still haven't met) is planning on attending regardless if we want her to officiate or not!! What the hell
I was very upset, we haven't sent invites yet, but I did tell her that our guest list was final. I also expressed that we may not have room. She laughed and said do you really think all those people are coming? (Also even if no one comes, it's still extremely rude!)

Well apparently me telling her this info wasn't enough. Last night we saw her for fireworks and was still talking about this lady coming! So I'm going to express to FI he needs to tell his mom that her friend is not invited. I did type up a draft email (therapeutic for me) so if she still doesn't get it, I'm going to send. Let me know if this sounds to the point!

"Hi!
I really want to make sure that we're all on the same page with wedding invites. _____ and anyone else verbally invited is not actually invited to our wedding. It's nothing personal to anyone. One of the main reasons I wanted a destination wedding was I really just wanted only those close to us there. The majority of the guest list is my mom's side of the family. Her/my family is big(and continuing to get bigger with the addition of my soon to be brother-in law and his daughter next week!) and I already know most of their plans. I'm aware we won't have the room filled, but that was never our intention.

If we were paying a flat charge, regardless of how many attend, that might've been a different story. I really do appreciate the offer to officiate, but we decided to hire someone instead. It's important to me to only have family and close friends in attendance. I hope you understand. Thanks!"

Not quite direct enough. In her mind, this woman is a close friend - close to her. Also, "is not actually invited and will not have a seat at the reception."

I assume you're doing the right thing and inviting significant others, even if you don't know them well? She may take that as a point to argue that you're not actually keeping it solely to close friends. I'd probably leave out the second paragraph entirely. eta - because it's just making excuses, which makes it sound like it's arguable.

beachwedding2017 · July 2017

You're right! This isn't as direct as I originally thought. I was trying to soften the blow a little, but I guess I need to be more direct. Last night, I wanted to send a message that said some not lady like words with "she's not invited please stop talking about her coming!" Lol

MandyMost · July 2017

I'm killing time, so my edits:

"Hi!

I really want to make sure that we're all on the same page with wedding invites. _____ and anyone else not already on the final invite list is not invited to our wedding, and won't have a seat at the reception. It's nothing personal to anyone. We chose a destination wedding and intend for the guest list to be only our closest friends and family. While I understand that ______ is your best friend, she is not one of our closest friends and family and isn't on the invite list. I'm aware we won't have the room filled, but that was never our intention. This also isn't about the cost of additional guests attending--the final guest list is everyone we want to attend the wedding, and that is not related to cost.

We really do appreciate the offer to officiate, but we decided to hire a professional instead. We wouldn't want any hurt feelings over our decisions as to how the ceremony should go, and thought going with a hired officiant would be the best in this situation.

I hope you understand. Thanks!"

beachwedding2017 · July 2017

@MandyMost thank you so much! That's perfect!

sparklynn · July 2017

Quick question. Is FMIL married or have a significant other? If not maybe she is considering this woman to be her +1?

if it's a DW and she's single, maybe she's more comfortable bringing a friend versus traveling alone....just a thought.

beachwedding2017 · July 2017

sparklynn said:

Quick question. Is FMIL married or have a significant other? If not maybe she is considering this woman to be her +1?

if it's a DW and she's single, maybe she's more comfortable bringing a friend versus traveling alone....just a thought.

@sparklynn

valid point- but she is engaged and bringing her fiance

Just need to vent about fmil

Re: Just need to vent about fmil

Choose Another Board

Search Boards