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Wedding Etiquette Forum
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Abigail Ray
Dear etiquette people,
My partner and I are getting married this summer after a very short engagement. We decided to push up our plans to get married due to my father's sudden and terminal illness. Because of this illness, we will be traveling out of state to Michigan (where my parents live) to get married.
Here's our problem: we are not religious and don't want to have a pastor or phony website stand-in as the person who marries us. We have a friend in Wisconsin who is a judge and we would love for him to marry us. But after multiple calls to Michigan authorities, they will not allow him to legally marry us in Michigan.
We were thinking about just signing the paperwork and say the necessary vows before the wedding to make it official, and see the wedding in Michigan as the real thing, but now I see a post about how terribly rude "re-dos" are. What should I do?
My partner and I are getting married this summer after a very short engagement. We decided to push up our plans to get married due to my father's sudden and terminal illness. Because of this illness, we will be traveling out of state to Michigan (where my parents live) to get married.
Here's our problem: we are not religious and don't want to have a pastor or phony website stand-in as the person who marries us. We have a friend in Wisconsin who is a judge and we would love for him to marry us. But after multiple calls to Michigan authorities, they will not allow him to legally marry us in Michigan.
We were thinking about just signing the paperwork and say the necessary vows before the wedding to make it official, and see the wedding in Michigan as the real thing, but now I see a post about how terribly rude "re-dos" are. What should I do?
Re: Abigail Ray
There are lots of officiants who do secular ceremonies. Google "wedding officiant (city name) (state name)" and you'll get a bunch of hits. You can also use TK's vendor search to find officiants.
ETA: I should add that this is what we did. We got married outside and had to find someone who would do the wedding outside a church. The person we used would use as much God or as little God as we were comfortable with. When you get in touch with them, just ask if they do secular ceremonies.
Ok, then you have two options:
1) have this person get ordained in Michigan.
2) realize that whatever you're doing isn't a wedding
Would you tell your guests that they're not witnessing a wedding? Do you think that would affect how much interest they have in actually attending? People care about the part where you are making a real, serious legal commitment to one another. They don't care so much about the show of it.
If not, then I'd have the Wisconsin friend do a reading during the ceremony legally officiated by the Michigan officiant. Again, that keeps the Michigan friend involved, but everything's legal and all at once.
I really like this compromise!
Marriage is a binary state; you either are or are not married. Once you sign the document, you're married. Your judge friend would also be performing some sort of ceremony if you were to wed in WI, so you will be vowing to each other. Otherwise, what would be the point of him officiating?
If you'd file the paperwork with the US Gov. with one marriage date and your family thinks you have a different date, there's a problem.
If you're up front about it it's one thing. It's pretending that you may not have married that's different. I like your option of friend getting ordained.
I assume you are a same sex couple? I am surprised at your statement. So many people worked for so many years for same sex couples to have the right to that paperwork.
The paperwork is what makes your marriage a reality. Public commitment and vows are optional. Many couples are married privately, sometimes without spoken vows. This does not make their marriage any less real.
Yes, there definitely will be. We see it all the time. Guests attend a "wedding" only to find out the couple is already legally married and they feel deceived. If you are forthcoming about being already married people at least won't feel lied to, but they will definitely gossip about what is essentially a re-do. I personally would decline such an invitation unless I was very close friends/family to the couple, or if the party was nearby and convenient for me, and I knew it would be a fun time. I may or may not give a gift, depending on the situation.
You are definitely making the right choice to do the whole thing in one go. I hope you have a lovely wedding and I'm so sorry about the news regarding your father.
I don't know exactly what you're going through but I can imagine it's very difficult and painful and I truly am very sorry.
You'll have to forgive us if we seem harsh. Unfortunately many many ladies come here wanting to justify having "reenactment" type wedding events after already being legally married. Every single one feels that their situation is unique and justified. I think perhaps we are a bit quick to gloss over the "reason" and cut right to the chase. I promise everyone here only has the best intentions, and didn't mean for you to feel ripped apart.
My wedding is also very close, so I can understand the amount of stress involved to pushing up the date. We only started planning in February and I feel like it wasn't nearly enough time. I really sincerely hope it all goes well and that your friend gets ordained in time.
Could you please point to which responses ripped you to shreds? You asked what you should do and numerous people gave you suggestions to make it so that your dad could see the wedding, which is what you wanted.
Im sorry your father is unwell, but you want to be married in front of him. This means you need to actually get married. If you want to do a commitment ceremony, that's fine, too. But if you choose this route, no matter what you do, you won't be married in front of him.
Its rubbish, and I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but there are several solutions here.
I would be very careful about seeking advice and sympathy in a forum where you also come off as very judgmental of perfectly legitimate marriages. My best friend was ordained online by the Universal Life Church, and he married us. It was the best possible choice we could have asked for, he knew us better than almost anyone, and it made our secular ceremony more sincere and special to have him do that.
Ask your friend to do this or something similar so Michigan will recognize him (they recognize ULC officiants), have the wedding in Wisconsin, or have someone else marry you. Since the second option is not one you're willing to consider, you'll have to do the first or third.
You are posting on the etiquette board on a wedding forum. And you're asking an etiquette question.
Either you came here for 1) validation (e.g. "omg sure! totally have your Wisconsin friend perform a non-legal, fake wedding!") or 2) for actual etiquette advice, which is: a legal wedding includes someone who can legally perform the ceremony. Period.
In many states, you can get ordained online in a very short amount of time. Perhaps your friend can do that. If he's a judge, he should be able to determine in about 5 minutes whether Michigan is a state where that's possible. Obviously you and your partner would pay the fee for his ordination.