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Wedding Etiquette Forum
kelleyandjoshkraft
member
Inviting children on fiance's side but not mine?
I have watched the posts for a while, but this is first time asking a question myself. Apologies in advance for its length.
Situation:
Our wedding is Jan 2018. Both our families are large and close-knit. We agreed that in order to share this experience with all our loved ones, we will more than likely be having what you would classify as a "big wedding" (200-250ish). That being said, we still have a budget and appropriate size limit on our venue that we have to consider.
At first we thought about having a "no children" wedding. We were defining children as anyone under the age of 18.
After some discussions with my future mother-in-law and fiance we agreed that my fiance's nieces and nephews will be in the wedding and therefore invited to the reception. Also his 1st cousins (same ages as his nieces and nephews), whom all call him uncle, will also be invited. (his aunt and uncle had children later in life so its not a traditional cousin-cousin relationship). That gives us a total of 10 kids on his side (ages 14-4).
I have no nieces and nephews on my side of the family. I'm the "baby" of the 1st cousins, therefore the next set of kids are actually my 2nd cousins. Although I love them and enjoy seeing them at family events, I do not have the same type of relationship with my cousins' children as my fiance has with his cousins. There are a total of 6 kids on my side (all under the age of 7).
None of our friends' children will be invited.
We want to make a clear "rule" to be fair to everyone. I preface this next statement that I do not mean to sound harsh, however I'm also concerned about the number of kids (16 or 2 tables-worth ) that will make up our total number and essentially "shift" some of our close friends and other family from the guest list. We're past the point of going back to the "no kids rule".
Question: Is it appropriate to have the children on my fiance's side of the family invited (nieces, nephews and first cousins), but not my side (2nd cousins)? Should I just deal with it and focus on other important matters?
I understand this is a touchy subject for a lot of people. Thank you in advanced for your advice.
Situation:
Our wedding is Jan 2018. Both our families are large and close-knit. We agreed that in order to share this experience with all our loved ones, we will more than likely be having what you would classify as a "big wedding" (200-250ish). That being said, we still have a budget and appropriate size limit on our venue that we have to consider.
At first we thought about having a "no children" wedding. We were defining children as anyone under the age of 18.
After some discussions with my future mother-in-law and fiance we agreed that my fiance's nieces and nephews will be in the wedding and therefore invited to the reception. Also his 1st cousins (same ages as his nieces and nephews), whom all call him uncle, will also be invited. (his aunt and uncle had children later in life so its not a traditional cousin-cousin relationship). That gives us a total of 10 kids on his side (ages 14-4).
I have no nieces and nephews on my side of the family. I'm the "baby" of the 1st cousins, therefore the next set of kids are actually my 2nd cousins. Although I love them and enjoy seeing them at family events, I do not have the same type of relationship with my cousins' children as my fiance has with his cousins. There are a total of 6 kids on my side (all under the age of 7).
None of our friends' children will be invited.
We want to make a clear "rule" to be fair to everyone. I preface this next statement that I do not mean to sound harsh, however I'm also concerned about the number of kids (16 or 2 tables-worth ) that will make up our total number and essentially "shift" some of our close friends and other family from the guest list. We're past the point of going back to the "no kids rule".
Question: Is it appropriate to have the children on my fiance's side of the family invited (nieces, nephews and first cousins), but not my side (2nd cousins)? Should I just deal with it and focus on other important matters?
I understand this is a touchy subject for a lot of people. Thank you in advanced for your advice.
Re: Inviting children on fiance's side but not mine?
I think family dynamics would come into play here though. If you don't think any/much drama would be caused by excluded second cousins you are fine. But if you think there will be a massive fall out if your family got to the wedding and saw any children then maybe you should reconsider (even though you are within your right to not invite them).
TL;DR I think you are fine unless you think more drama than you want to deal with would result.
So don't think of it as a groom's side vs bride's side. Think of it as siblings' kids/first cousins circles.
There is nothing wrong with this plan.
Now, it's just natural that some people will get their noses out of joint if their kids aren't invited. That's just life. But you're not inviting them is not wrong or an etiquette breach.
You do not need to broadcast this rule. Just address invitations to the people who are invited (perhaps add the whole "2 seats have been reserved in your honor" thing to get the point across).
If someone writes in their kids or asks you if their kids are invited just telling them the invitation was just for them.
IF they press you on why or at the wedding ask why some kids where there (which would be rude of them to ask), you can tell them you couldn't accommodate any children except nieces, nephews and first cousins.
I'm a touch confused that the six children on your side would "shift" the guest list as you said, especially when it doesn't seem like you have a hard number of invitees yet, and instead a range (200-250). Again, totally fine to not invite your second cousins, just an observation.
To answer your question: yes, it is appropriate and fine by etiquette standards.
Per etiquette, you can invite whoever you want to your wedding as long as you include SOs (e.g. your sister's boyfriend) and don't split families (e.g. invite the 15 year old, but not the 7 year old in the same family). Children are not guaranteed an invite just because their parents are.
However, there are family dynamics/politics to consider. You're talking about 6 extra kids. Out of a 250 person guest list. If you think it'll be a big deal, it's not a hill I would personally die on. But then again, I had a kid free wedding and 6 fun adults > 6 children....all day long. You know your family best and can make the call.
One thing I've learned in this process and reading the discussions is that we'll never make EVERYONE happy. Ultimately, I just need to worry about the amazing man that I'm marrying
I know you weren't asking for feedback on this, but since this is an etiquette board, I had to mention it... regarding the bolded, if your wedding is in January 2017, the very earliest invitations would be sent out would be November.
I read the whole thread all ready to smugly explain how cousins work (irrational pet peeve when people get this wrong, sorry all!). You beat me by 10 minutes! Your second cousins are your parents first cousins' children, so depending on your family dynamics, may be a circle you invite before you invite your first cousins once removed.
Heh. I noticed this a few days ago too but decided to ignore it.
Lesson:
The first, second, third, etc is decided by the closest common ancestor. The removals are the generation changes.
So your parents' siblings' kids are your first cousins. Because you share the same grandparents. Generationally you are on the same level, so there are no removals.
The child of your first cousin is your first cousin, once removed. Because the common ancestor is still your grandparents, but there is another generation between you now.
Now, your own kids and your first-cousins' kids would be second cousins. Because their common ancestors are their GREAT-grandparents (your grand parents).
So the formula is like this:
Xth cousin closest to common ancestor
where X = Greats + 1
So shared grandparent:
Greats = 0
0 + 1 = First cousin
Shared great-great grandparents:
Greats = 2
2 + 1 = Third cousin
And then the removals are however many extra generations there are between the two cousins.
So say you get a card from your grandmother's sister's daughter and you want to figure out the relation:
Your common ancestor is your great grandparent's. However, in this case, since they are your grandma's sister's daughter's grandparents, you two are actually on the order of first instead of second (because you set the order by the closet relative). You just happen to be down one generation. So... you are first cousins, once removed in this scenario. Just like you are to your cousins' kids.
I would try and NOT tell people you are having a kid free wedding. Your not, so don't even pretend otherwise. You are simply inviting family up to and including first cousins. Just happens the some of them on your DH's side are minors.
In my social group this is totally normal. If a guest can't see the difference between your future niece and a co-worker's kid, well then that's on them. You don't owe them an explanation, but you have a good one with, we invited all our first cousins regardless of age.