Hey , I'm so sorry you r going thru this. Not seeing you on mother's day bc mother in law more important. Nonsense . Sounds like the gf is a chip off old block of mom. Sounds like sons gf is a well....brat. idk best advice other than talk to your soon about how you'd like to be with him more , or make plans to take walks, lunches , etc things that don't break the bank. Invite son and gf or if gf doesn't come just son. Start to do all you can to make effort to be with son away from this so he can make sure it's what he wants . You are his mother , you deserve to be held high
July 12
Re: Last name?
If you don't want to change it, don't change it. You don't need any reason and you don't need to explain yourself to anyone.
Both my maiden and married name contain Apostrophes. Some computers take them, some don't. Sometimes I would fill in an entire form, hit submit and the apostrophe would cause an error and reset everything. This is why I didn't hyphenate...although I did consider it for a time just to be *that person* that would be L'name-L'Name...
Also I would bet that many times the hyphen is not used and is replaced with a space, so when people call to follow-up it is likely they think the first name is a middle name instead of being part of your last name
For me, I got married at 38 (almost 39, really), and was happy to change my name, even though I was going from 4 letters to 9 and no one can spell it even though it's phonetic. It wasn't even a question for me. It's wasn't H; he was shocked I wanted to change it. Has nothing to do with kids, I've never wanted those. It's just that H & I were becoming family, and I wanted the same last name as my family. Now if anyone uses my maiden name, it sounds weird and takes me a minute to realize they're talking to me. As far as I'm concerned, my married name IS my name.
I don't see my name as part of my identity. My identity is who I am as a person, not the name my father handed down to me by happenstance. As I told my bosses at the time, who gave me a closed-door lecture to tell me how horrible I was for intending to change my name, "You could call me Bob, and I'd still be me."
In NJ, in order to change my name at any time not in conjunction with marriage or divorce, I'd have to file a petition, pay a filing fee, publish in papers, wait months, and then go to court to have it approved by the judge after a hearing. So, yeah, very different in different jurisdictions.
Still, 100% your choice. If you're not comfortable changing it, don't let anyone pressure you to do it.
This time around, I was 34 on my wedding day, and I was happy and excited to change my last name.
It's such a personal choice. I wanted to share a last name with my husband, and I was happy to give up my name. Bonus, it's easier to spell and pronounce.
I'm keeping mine and my FI is thinking of it because he likes it. but also in many European countries (where we live), it isn't the cultural norm to change one's name.
I guess I'm not so worried because were not planning on having children so that won't matter - and I'm not sure I care what people think about whether I had the same name as hypothetical children.
I think you should talk to your FI about it though. He might also have strong ideas and it's important to hear them. But ultimately it's about what you will be happy with.
It looks like from this post that many women nowadays are not changing their name so you can choose whats best for you.
I realize that this is your first post on the Knot, but please check the date of the post before commenting. It is considered bad manners to comment on a post that is more than three months old.
@emmaaa, please close this thread.
It's not. I think threads are generally considered definitely dead at 6 months by the mods. But this discussion was essentially over. Maybe now it's not. We usually don't continue it if it's been more than a couple months. The mod CMG tagged will have to decide.
As to your perspective, since you mention that it's the difference between your dad's name and your husband's, I don't see anything inherently better about keeping the maiden name. I chose to change my name because I intended to have kids, I wanted the kids and parents to all have the same name within that nuclear family, and I didn't want that to get crazy unwieldy with hyphenation, etc. (because then what do the grandkids do when they come to the same choice)? If DH had liked my last name better, we could have all been that, but since neither was really a better name, we just went with the default. I did keep my maiden name as a second middle name legally, though. I really don't think a truly equitable solution has yet been found to names and marriage that hits all those buttons.
@JamesOAngelaB Typically, if a thread hasn't been active in over a month or two, it is best to just start a new thread!
Thanks!
And, I totally get it. It's romantic to be The Johnsons. Writing "Mrs. Johnson" hearkens to 7th grade when you practiced writing the name you'd be called if you married your crush. Many of our parents have the same last name. We probably want that kind of family tradition with our own families. It's really sweet to have that "The Johnsons, Est. 2017" on the front door. Or the family tee shirts at Disneyland.
For me, I feel like changing my name makes me part of my husband's brand. I have my own brand. Sure, it's an offshoot of my dad but I don't need to be gobbled up by another brand and lose the identity I've embraced. And I feel like it contributes to the imbalance in equality for everyone.
Think about it this way. What if your husband took your name. Your first gut reaction is probably either, "That's wrong/weird" or "How very modern." Women taking on their husband's name is so entrenched that NOT changing seems "modern".
The woman who started this post wanted some perspective. Ultimately, we all have each other's back. Community members here are reading this conversation rather than starting a new post. And everyone will make their decisions and have wonderful weddings!
Thank you for letting me know how I think.
ANNNNND it ate the rest of what I wrote. UGH
Edited to re-add:
On one hand I am really excited about changing my last name. I never liked my maiden name. When I got divorced, I kept my ex's last name, because we have kiddos together and they were little and it was just easier. Even though my ex's last name is long, French, and people are forever butchering the pronunciation. I also have a weirdo first name (thanks mom) and so I am forever spelling the whole disaster out. Although sometimes letting telemarketers/callers from companies struggle through pronouncing it all is entertaining.
My FI has a simple and short last name. It's pretty common/plain, so that will be novel.
I did suggest maybe we both could change our last name, but no matter how I tried, I couldn't sell him on us becoming Mr. & Mrs. Dragonwagon. Shame really.
Also, I didn't see any reason to remain as part of my father's "brand," either.
Yeah, no. Women change their names for all kinds of reasons as you can read through the thread.
My one brother and I are the only ones with the same last name in our family. My mother never changed hers, my stepmom never changed hers and my little brother has her last name. My FI and I decided to give our son his last name for a number of very personal reasons. I'm still not changing my name. I am resigned to the fact that people will address me as Mrs. DS Last Name and I'm fine with that, I will decide to gently correct or not.
I was talking about the hypothetical/general "you". I know, my English teacher would scold me and tell me that's not proper usage. For this very reaction.
I think we all know that you meant the hypothetical/general you. I didn't post that, but I did "love it." If you had said "If a guy took his wife's last name, people's first gut reaction would be ...," I expect people would still have had an issue with it because you are stereotyping and putting words in other people's mouths. I accept that people have different opinions on whether or not to change their name, but it really bugs me when people post stuff like you did, which acts like there is one right decision.
Since I got called out already I'm sending this with a disclaimer: YES I REALISE THIS IS AN OLDER THREAD... but I am commenting anyway because I have something to say.
I changed my name during my first marriage. It took a long time and it was expensive and a hassle. Then I changed it back. 3 years later I am getting married again. I don't want to change it. It was also, as OP said, hard for me to accept it... my last name I have had my whole life, it's me, I love it and it's the name I'm known in my work industry by.
My fiancé wants me to change it. I don't really want to. I don't really like the connotation of being someone else's property. I like his last name. I just feel like no other name suits me better than my own.
Also my dad only had 2 girls (my sister and I)... my sister is married and changed her name. My parents and I are the only ones left with this last name. If I change it and god forbid my parents pass away, the last name dies along with it. I want this name to last as long as possible.
This thread is older, but the last comment was just a few days ago. You're not resurrecting a dead thread. That's the difference there.
Why did it cost you to change your name? I'm really curious about that. I only had to pay for a new driver's license. Getting the name changed was as easy as taking my marriage certificate to the social security office.
Passport costs $110 & Drivers license. Something else costs some $$ too. Each state is different.
Gotcha. My passport expired so I forgot about that.
I've changed my passport 3 times in 4 years & not because I went anywhere cool
I don't know if you fall under this, but it sounds like you would with this frequent of changes. If you change your name within one year of the passport's issuance, the fee is waived. That's what I did, so there was no charge for me to get an updated passport.
https://travel.state.gov/content/passports/en/passports/services/correction.html
Thank you for writing this. I didn't change mine either for the exact same reason. Why? We're not going to have kids and I had this name for 38 years.
edit: I did not see the age of this post. Sorry. I clicked on it since it said 'new' and only saw page 2 on (which is still pretty old). my bad.
1. Would be the main place of my "importance" and "making a name for myself"
2. Both my parents worked at the place I work now and my dad really made a name for himself there. Most people know me as "John's daughter" (not my dad's name) and when I applied for the job the reply was "we have to hire the Smith girl" (again not my last name.) So my maiden last name helped get me my job that I love. And being "the smith girl" has pushed me even more to do my job the best I can.
So at work I'm keeping my maiden name. Plus my maiden name is way easier to spell and say.
But I'm looking forward to being called "Mrs. crazy-spelled name." Outside of work. Plus it's way easier IMO once we have kids.
Another suggestion is ask if he'd like to take your name? Its your name and your family do what you want and not what society says you should do.