My parents adopted me when I was 8 days old. My birth mother turned 18 just 4 days after I was born. My being adopted was never a secret. I remember proudly announcing it at Grade 1 "show and share" because I thought it was so cool.
When I turned 18, I submitted an application to the agency that matches biological children with parents, provided both have registered as wanting to be "found". As luck would have it, she had registered a few years before (despite the fact that when I was born she had requested complete anonymity, later in life she had a change of heart).
So, in a crazy whirlwind, we talked on the phone and then she flew to meet me not long after (she worked for an airline, so that was convenient). To be honest, it was a really bad time in life for me. I had a drug problem. When she arrived I was just coming off a 3-day bender and I wasn't making the best choices.
I took her to meet my mother, unannounced. My mom was PISSED, because her house was being renovated, and it was shocking for her. I was an idiot. It was the worst possible circumstance for their first meeting.
Fast forward a few months, and I dropped out of college (that my parents were paying for) and moved across the province to live with her and my half-sibling and her then-husband. I didn't drop out because of her, I dropped out because I never went to class and was on academic suspension. I never wanted to go to college but my parents insisted, so I was being rebellious.
Lived with her family for 6 months, and was a complete jerk to them as well, because I was not a good person then. I had met my now-ex-husband during that time and ultimately moved away to marry him. He had a strong dislike for birth mother because she thought he was controlling and tried to undermine our relationship.
I didn't invite her to my first wedding because the idea of her being there made my mom and my then-husband uncomfortable. It obviously was a real blow to that relationship, which was already fragile.
Over the 10+ years that followed we had infrequent contact, spent a handful of hours together, generally just went on with separate lives.
In the past couple of years we've sort of reconnected, and as she's a florist she graciously offered to make all of my centerpieces, bouquet, etc for the wedding. I tried to pay her, but she refused. They are our wedding gift, which is wonderful and I am so grateful. I spent 3 days at her house (she lives about 9 hours away) to help her make them and we had a really nice visit. I didn't tell my mom I was going, because she's already annoyed that birth mother is invited to the wedding at all. I didn't keep it a secret (I posted a couple of times on FB) but I also didn't really inform her ahead of time.
Birth mother has no idea that my mom has negative feelings towards her. I just couldn't open old wounds. I did my best to reassure my mom that she will always be my mom. This woman is more like a friend, an aunt at best. There's no competition. However, I'm just hopeful that mom can be polite for the day. I'm sitting birth mother with friends, not family, which I am sure she will understand. She's attending with her now-husband, whom I really like, so at least she won't be alone. She won't know anyone there regardless, so I don't think it matters much.
My mom is also jealous as they are in a bad financial situation and she hasn't been able to contribute to the wedding at all. I didn't expect or ask for anything, particularly as I have been married before and they paid for that. However I know it hurts her. I've taken her to dress fittings, spent the day with her, involved her as much as possible.
I am just anxious about their interaction on the day. It's a smaller wedding (55 people) so it's not like there will be a huge crowd. Fingers crossed.
Thank you for reading. If you have any advice, insight, similar experiences I am all ears! Did you have guests you were afraid would have issues and it went well? Please tell me it will be ok, heh.