Dear Prudence,
I am going through an excruciating breakup. We were together for two and a half years and broke up a few months ago after my former partner decided she needed time to “find herself.” I am doing the best I can—I’m in therapy, I left our shared apartment to her (but still pay half the rent so she won’t end up in debt), leave her alone but respond any time she texts. Usually she only texts to ask if I’ve paid rent or to send drunken ramblings about “not being OK.” The next morning she will quickly reassure me she is fine, which I doubt based on some of her actions.
Per the advice of my friends and therapist, I am trying to move from feelings of sadness and worthlessness into a healthy dose of anger. And I have plenty to be angry about: The rent she said she needed to not go into debt, I’ve since found out she put toward a European vacation this summer. Her drunken texts to me have been followed by her drinking and driving, despite my pleading with her not to, offering to give her a ride or call her a cab. She isn’t taking care of herself and surrounds herself with people supportive of these behaviors. I’ve also recently found out she is back on an online dating site, after telling me she wanted to break up with me because she wanted to find “self-happiness.” She has every right to date, but this has me reeling back into those thoughts of worthlessness after she told me the breakup wasn’t because I was a bad partner but was because she needed time for herself.
Do you have advice on how to turn the sadness into anger? My support system all seems angrier than me, but I just can’t bring myself to think about her in that way (even though it might be the truth). The rose-colored glasses are off, but my emotions seem to be lagging behind on the unfortunate things I’ve learned about her in recent months.