I found out after our date was selected and deposits paid that our wedding date is my FSIL's anniversary. My future husband and his sister are not close and I have never actually met her as she lives out of state. I was speaking with his mother and she told me that his sister is very upset that we are having OUR wedding on HER anniversary. I had no idea it was her anniversary when I set the date. My future husband did attend her wedding but the date did not ring a bell to him in the planning as it was several years ago. Any advice for approaching this situation?
Thank you!
Re: Our wedding date is accidentally FSIL's anniversary
Oh FFS, it never ceases to amaze me what grown adults will get upset about. That being said, did you discuss the potential dates with VIPs like his parents?
Look, there are a finite number of days in a year. She doesn't own that day. There was a 1/365 chance this would happen. My advice to approach this situation is: don't. This has no way of ending well for you. Let your fi handle his sister. Certainly don't change your day. Let her stew- she is embarrassing her self.
If she brings it up (and only if she does) say ' Well, I guess we both have great taste in dates. What was your first dance song? I'll make sure to have the DJ play it for you two.' Then bean dip.
That being said-if you are doing assigned seats, it might be nice to leave a 'happy anniversary' card. She is being ridiculous, but it makes sense to extend the olive branch. Your tone should be 'this is happening so you need to get over it. It's not a big deal. How cool we both have the same anniversary.'
We discussed the month we were planning on before picking a date with his parents and they said anytime was fine.
I suspect that your FSIL's anger is more about wanting that to be HER day for all eternity, which is of course ridiculous. I think @LondonLisa's advice is the best way to approach it. And if it really bothers her that much that your wedding is the same date hers was, then she can stay home and look like even more of an ass.
I don't think it's a huge deal. I grew up in a place with a limited number of spots to get married but where there are a lot of big families. Chances were pretty good that if you got married in wedding season, you and someone else in your family shared a wedding date or had anniversaries close together. Get them a card, play their first dance song, maybe give them a little shout out.
But, honestly, I wonder if FSIL would be so miffed if she knew her parents didn't warn you against her anniversary.
There are many "significant' dates on which I have had to work or participate in things other than the celebration of the event that occurred on that date. Whose birthday doesn't fall on a work day? Mother's Day fell on my son's college graduation day. I celebrate the occasion, not the date itself.
OP, make no apologies nor any changes.
She can feel however she likes, but I think she's acting like a spoiled child by throwing a tantrum about it. If the date doesn't work for her because they have anniversary plans, then she will be missed. Otherwise, it's a great opportunity for her to celebrate two happy events in a single day.
OP, your FSIL is being a jerk and she needs to get over it.
My sister freaked out when we nearly chose the same weekend as her 5 year anniversary. They wanted to do something for themselves, not go through the trouble of traveling and whatnot for my wedding. While most of the time people do say, "You get one day," and that anniversaries can be celebrated any time, the fact is some people are indeed sensitive about that stuff. In my family, it wasn't worth the fight, so we chose another weekend. But for you, now that deposits are paid, there's nothing you can do. It's your fiance's sister so he needs to deal with her.
There is NO reason to lose money over this.
I mean, you aren't going to change your date at this point. His sister (and his mom, honestly) are acting like children. You have no explaining to do. No bargaining. No "to do's". You don't owe them anything.
What should YOU do...? Nothing. "I'm sorry she feels that way. Can you believe how hot it's been?"
The whole situation is just weird. My fiance and his sister don't have much of a relationship to begin with. He states for years he tried to reach out and keep in touch with her but she doesn't return his calls. Due to this I have never met her (we were visiting some of my family members near where they live a year ago and he called to meet up and she never called back.) His parents and other extended family members also complain about her never returning their calls so it's not just my fiance.
Long story short...there is an issue there that runs deeper than my wedding date and I'm not going to be able to fix it.
It just sucks. I always imagined I could forge a friendly relationship with her and they would reconnect but I don't think that's happening.
Her husband recently friended me on facebook (she has not, I suspect he thinks this whole thing is as awkward as I do.) Do y'all think it is worthwhile to send him a note stating I hope they can come and asking about the first dance so I can see if my band knows it?
I have to say my SIL is amazing. When I saw her for the first time after the ceremony at the back of the church she said to me was "happy anniversary". Then she (on her own) had our first dance song played at the reception.
That is the type of person she is. There was 2 birthdays that she made sure were recognized. She was a bride who had the ability to share other people's own events at her wedding.
I suggest do not ignore it is their anniversary. Make sure you tell them happy anniversary. If you plan on having dancing, surprise them with their wedding song. Not a spotlight dance, just play the song for everyone can dance. Even though I wasn't mad or miffed at the date, those little gestures meant a lot to me.
That's very sweet but I wouldn't. With people this irrational no good deed goes unpunished.
I'd just stay 100% out of this drama that your FSIL is creating entirely on her own. Don't get involved in it. I wouldn't even let your FI get involved in it. I would totally ignore her histrionics- let them stay between her and her parents, who are foolish enough to play audience to her.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
I agree. If you've never met your FSIL and were told by your FI's family that "any date is fine," then it's not your fault that the date you picked falls on her anniversary.
She was entitled to that one day in the year she was married -- not every year since!
I can understand her being unhappy that she can't have the whole day to herself with her spouse, but I would not involve yourself in her drama. Let your FI and his family handle it.
I just don't get the entitlement of needing the world to stop so you can celebrate something that happens every year.
Yes. SO and I rarely celebrate our anniversary on the actual day...or even the actual week. Usually it works out for us to celebrate a little early or late depending on which long holiday weekend we want to take. No biggie. It doesn't make the anniversary any less legitimate. I always wonder how people like this function with other real life disappointments.
You can't control how you feel, but you can control how you act.
You can feel upset. But if your action is anything but having a word with yourself because you are an adult and don't own that day in perpetuity, you are being ridiculous.
ETA: but I do think it is a genuine question. If you work full time, you have to go to work at least 71% of the time on an anniversary or birthdays. Unless you regularly book the day off, how do people who get upset at this kind of thing deal? It just seems miserable and exhausting.
Exactly. I completely agree. I'm saying it's fine to criticize her actions (contacting the FMIL and complaining about it, or really doing anything about those feelings) but I disagree with criticizing her feelings. Saying people are ridiculous/can't handle actual disappointments because of how they feel isn't cool in my book.
To the ETA: I was one who said I'd be annoyed if someone close to me (like my sister) planned her wedding for our anniversary. H and I live apart from all our friends and family. We have to travel to every wedding, event, party, etc. and we're not made of money. So we'd have to plan and pay for a trip on our anniversary somewhere we didn't choose. We wouldn't complain about it or do anything about it but I'd be a little annoyed. Not upset. Not very upset like the OP's FSIL, but a little annoyed. We would also get over it quickly.
Theres a a difference between being a little annoyed and being so upset and suggesting no one can ever hold an event on a day in perpetuity. I think some of the rhetoric used here is a little hyperbolic.
But if your sister threw her wedding the weekend before or after your anniversary, you would have the same issue. How much space before or after your anniversary is enough for you to not be annoyed?
Again, I think this is a little ridiculous, I (nor anyone else) suggested I needed time or space around my anniversary not to be annoyed. It wouldn't bother me if it was the weekend before or after. I would be slightly annoyed if she picked the same day and that day was on a weekend. In those narrow set of circumstances I'd be slightly bothered. I wouldn't say anything, I wouldn't do anything. She could choose what was right for her and her FI, just like we did (this is all hypothetical my sister was married 1.5 years ago). All I'm saying is I don't think it's totally ridiculous (like it's been suggested) to have feelings about someone close to you planning a wedding on your anniversary. I agree it is ridiculous to act like a child and talk/complain about it, demand they change the date, or refuse to go, or anything else equally out of line.
Again, difference between feelings and actions. People are entitled to whatever feelings they have. Many posters here are equating being annoyed about something to being unable to function in normal society or acting entitled to have no one they know schedule anything ever on that date, and I think that's a pretty big leap to make.
ETF words.
Ditto. I don't understand the fuss over a date. You keep your date, you have done nothing wrong and don't even address it with your FSIL, unless she brings it up. If you want, you could dedicate a dance for them at your reception.
My h and I have been married for decades. We rarely celebrate our anniversary on the actual date. We go out to dinner the weekend before or after, depending on what else is going on. My parents, my ILs, my daughter's ILs all have anniversaries within the same two weeks. Plus there are a few birthdays sprinkled in there.