What should I do? Re: MOH +1

Knottiecf6fbf8363a9363e · June 2017

A little background information: our wedding is destination for my side. My BMs and MOH are all single; I offered them all +1 and only my MOH took me up on it. She's bringing a friend who is insistent on coming (I haven't met her, but I do know that she's nice).

My BMs and I, for years, have been fawning over afternoon tea. We started talking about how we should plan to go to this restaurant that offers afternoon tea the day before the wedding.

I then told my MOH about how we might have afternoon tea: just all us girls. She loved the idea and wants to bring her +1. This is gonna make me sound like a jackknob, but I don't want that. I kind of changed the subject and said that everything is still up in the air :T

I started to not want to have afternoon tea to avoid hurt feelings. My FI was not happy about that and made the reservations and told me not to invite her, you've been talking about tea with the girls for years, etc etc.

I sound so petty, but I really don't want her there, but I also don't want my MOH to miss it. I mean, I'd totally understand if she did want to miss it to be with her friend, but I don't know... MOH did mention she'd feel bad making her stay in the hotel room while we had tea :T and I'd feel bad, too, but I don't know! Please help! Should I suck it up and invite her or should I just cancel the tea?

geebee908 · June 2017

cheesypoof said:

A little background information: our wedding is destination for my side. My BMs and MOH are all single; I offered them all +1 and only my MOH took me up on it. She's bringing a friend who is insistent on coming (I haven't met her, but I do know that she's nice).

My BMs and I, for years, have been fawning over afternoon tea. We started talking about how we should plan to go to this restaurant that offers afternoon tea the day before the wedding.

I then told my MOH about how we might have afternoon tea: just all us girls. She loved the idea and wants to bring her +1. This is gonna make me sound like a jackknob, but I don't want that. I kind of changed the subject and said that everything is still up in the air :T

I started to not want to have afternoon tea to avoid hurt feelings. My FI was not happy about that and made the reservations and told me not to invite her, you've been talking about tea with the girls for years, etc etc.

I sound so petty, but I really don't want her there, but I also don't want my MOH to miss it. I mean, I'd totally understand if she did want to miss it to be with her friend, but I don't know... MOH did mention she'd feel bad making her stay in the hotel room while we had tea :T and I'd feel bad, too, but I don't know! Please help! Should I suck it up and invite her or should I just cancel the tea?

Suck it up and invite her. You don't know her, but consider it an opportunity to make a new friend. If she's a friend of your MOH how much of a risk could it be?

MobKaz · June 2017

cheesypoof said:

A little background information: our wedding is destination for my side. My BMs and MOH are all single; I offered them all +1 and only my MOH took me up on it. She's bringing a friend who is insistent on coming (I haven't met her, but I do know that she's nice).

My BMs and I, for years, have been fawning over afternoon tea. We started talking about how we should plan to go to this restaurant that offers afternoon tea the day before the wedding.

I then told my MOH about how we might have afternoon tea: just all us girls. She loved the idea and wants to bring her +1. This is gonna make me sound like a jackknob, but I don't want that. I kind of changed the subject and said that everything is still up in the air :T

I started to not want to have afternoon tea to avoid hurt feelings. My FI was not happy about that and made the reservations and told me not to invite her, you've been talking about tea with the girls for years, etc etc.

I sound so petty, but I really don't want her there, but I also don't want my MOH to miss it. I mean, I'd totally understand if she did want to miss it to be with her friend, but I don't know... MOH did mention she'd feel bad making her stay in the hotel room while we had tea :T and I'd feel bad, too, but I don't know! Please help! Should I suck it up and invite her or should I just cancel the tea?

Honestly, the wedding invitation for MOH's guest is for the wedding. I'm not sure that you have to invite her +1 to an event for your wedding party, particularly if this tea is, in part, to thank your wedding party.

This is for an hour or two. I am not sure why +1 can't read a book, sit by a pool, or watch a movie during that time. Honestly, it was rude of your MOH to assume her friend could join in this tea. I would not cancel the event. Your MOH can decide which is more important.

CMGragain · June 2017

Not to your question, OP, but what does "fawning" over afternoon tea mean?

https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/fawning

Knottiecf6fbf8363a9363e · June 2017

geebee908 said:

Suck it up and invite her. You don't know her, but consider it an opportunity to make a new friend. If she's a friend of your MOH how much of a risk could it be?

You raise a good point :T I don't like that you raise a good point, lol

MobKaz said:

Honestly, the wedding invitation for MOH's guest is for the wedding. I'm not sure that you have to invite her +1 to an event for your wedding party, particularly if this tea is, in part, to thank your wedding party.

This is for an hour or two. I am not sure why +1 can't read a book, sit by a pool, or watch a movie during that time. Honestly, it was rude of your MOH to assume her friend could join in this tea. I would not cancel the event. Your MOH can decide which is more important.

Yeah, like I definitely would not consider this afternoon tea to be a bridal shower or bachelorette or whatever them kids be saying now. This would be my treat, though, as a heyyy thank you for flying out for thisss you guys are awesomeeee ~ and yay we're finally having the tea party we've been talking for half a decade about ~

**Edit: I just remembered, this would not be my treat LOL FI's card is on the reservations!

I don't think my MOH is rude. Kinda! I think... she... is kinda try to accommodate her friend more as her guest? ...I think? I still am swaying back and forth, I just am trying so hard not to step on anyone's toes and GAH. Thank you for your input

CMGragain said:

Not to your question, OP, but what does "fawning" over afternoon tea mean?

https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/fawning

LOL I'VE BEEN USING THIS WORD WRONG FOR A DECADE. Excuse me as I dig a hole and make myself comfortable for forever ~

redwoodoriginal · June 2017

Yeah I would nicely but firmly tell the MOH that the afternoon tea is a bridal party only thing. If she were bringing a +1 that was a dude, would she feel so insistent on inviting him to the tea? I doubt it... just bc the +1 is female doesn't mean she automatically gets to participate in all bridal party activities!

Do the tea, don't invite the +1, IMO.

ei34 · June 2017

I see both sides. I think it's fine to have a bridal-party-only thing. And being the guest of a BP member (especially for a DW) sometimes includes fending for yourself for a few hours at the hotel/around town. That said, your MOH is I'm assuming your closest friend, if this is something important to her, having someone you don't know there isn't the end of the world. I'd soul search and make the decision yourself (not the MOH's guest being "insistent" about anything, not your FI being unhappy and making reservations and telling you what to do).

charlotte989875 · June 2017

Im with @eileenrob, sometimes being a +1 of a WP member means fending for yourself for a bit. I'd side-eye a second whole day-long event, but seriously tea lasts what 2 hours at most? I think it's fine not to invite her. However, assuming your MOH is your best friend and it's one person maybe it's not that big of a deal.

Honestly, I'd be straight with your MOH. Tell her (directly not hinting or changing the subject) that you hoped it would just be the BP and you're happy to have her join later for drinks/food/pool time/whatever. If she's a good friend she'll say no problem. She's probably just trying to not leave the other friend alone too often.

short+sassy · June 2017

charlotte989875 said:

Im with @eileenrob, sometimes being a +1 of a WP member means fending for yourself for a bit. I'd side-eye a second whole day-long event, but seriously tea lasts what 2 hours at most? I think it's fine not to invite her. However, assuming your MOH is your best friend and it's one person maybe it's not that big of a deal.

Honestly, I'd be straight with your MOH. Tell her (directly not hinting or changing the subject) that you hoped it would just be the BP and you're happy to have her join later for drinks/food/pool time/whatever. If she's a good friend she'll say no problem. She's probably just trying to not leave the other friend alone too often.

I'm strongly seconding @charlotte989875.

If it were me, I'd talk to my MOH about this. Some points I'd cover would be:

It's important to me this tea is just the bridal party, though I do feel bad your guest will be on their own for that time. But it will only be from (insert time) on X day.
Plus, it's a gift your FI is giving to you and your bridal party.
Stress that MOH's guest will certainly be welcome to attend any other outings, ie hanging out at the pool, bar hopping, etc.
That you are really looking forward to meeting her good friend over the course of the trip.
Though, if MOH doesn't feel comfortable going without her friend, you totally understand if she wants to bow out of the tea. (I'd only put this point out, if your MOH isn't already on board from the other points).

With all that said, you know your MOH better than we do. If not inviting the friend would really upset her or potentially cause a rift in your all's friendship then, even though it isn't fair, maybe it's just not worth bringing up. And you will need to decide if you'd rather have the tea with MOH's guest or just not have it at all.

I mean, I would be totally understanding about it if I were either the MOH or even the MOH's guest. However, "all women" are not me, lol. On that same token, and no judgment to you, but it also wouldn't bother me that much to have the extra person at the tea. Most people in that situation would probably just hang out listening, while the rest of you reminiscence.

ahoywedding · June 2017

I can see both sides of this. If the guest of your MOH is an adult, there really isn't any reason she can't entertain herself for a few hours (and might actually appreciate it!). The flip side is, your MOH is supposed to be one of your best friends, and if she would be more comfortable with her guest coming along, is it a hill you want to die on?

My cousin brought a friend to our wedding as her plus one, and she was also a BM. When I sent out the schedule for the day-of, I let her know her friend could come to as much or as little as possible, but I think also added in there (politely) that there wouldn't be time for her to get her hair done, for example. (Her guest was a later addition, after all the appts had been booked). She came and hung out with us for the full day, and honestly it was fine. It didn't take away from the experience we had together, and her friend was pretty chill and recognized she wasn't in the wedding party.

Do you know if your MOH's friend even wants to come? If she's coming from OOT, maybe she would enjoy the time spent not with a bunch of people she doesn't know.

climbingsingle · June 2017

I think it's totally fine to not include the +1 friend in the tea. It's an event just for your bridal party. She can hang out in the hotel room by herself for a little while. I mean, what is she going to do with herself while your MOH is getting ready for the wedding?
OP, I'm like you in that this would make me uncomfortable. Call is social anxiety or whatever. But a new person/stranger at a small event with just close friends like this, I would not be comfortable. I get it.

Knottiecf6fbf8363a9363e · June 2017

Everyone raises really good points, but

climbingwife said:

OP, I'm like you in that this would make me uncomfortable. Call is social anxiety or whatever. But a new person/stranger at a small event with just close friends like this, I would not be comfortable. I get it.

I think this is it! I took this class in interpersonal communication ages ago and I learned I am the most uncomfortable in intimate group settings. It's weird. One-on-one is fine, in front of a large group I'm fine, I'm just really weird in small groups when there's someone I don't know :T Thank you for understanding T_T

I still am very wishy-washy, but I do want to thank everyone for chiming in! I have a lot to think about because I think I would prefer my MOH and her +1 be there than her not come at all.

I also told my BMs and MOH that I'd need them an hour before the ceremony (...5pmish?) so hopefully MOH will have plenty of time with +1. I think they fly in on Thursday... the wedding is Saturday, they leave Sunday. ...I think.

I feel like I painted my MOH and FI in a bad light :T FI basically thinks I can do no wrong and MOH is trying so hard to keep everyone happy. I think she's trying not to step on anyone's toes, but doesn't want to make the +1 uncomfortable either.

...I might do the tea anyway and just invite the +1. I think it'd make it more uncomfortable for her than me LOL Thank you

And also I like this I will keep asking dumb questions here; I like you ladies :9

Jen4948 · June 2017

Certainly you can invite the +1 to the tea, but I don't think it's required that you do so. I think it's fair to have some "bridal party only" events and this tea, based on what you've posted about it, would be one of them.

Edited to add: If you invite only this +1, are other bridal party members going to get their noses out of joint if they can't bring their SOs or +1s to the tea?

southernbelle0915 · June 2017

Team Don't Invite The Plus One

Plus ones aren't invited to lots of bridal party only things - bachelorettes, getting ready, the salon, showers, bridal teas...... The only reason this is a question is because this plus one is female.

"Hi MOH - I'd really like this tea to be just us bridesmaids. I hope you understand. Here are some things your friend can do while we're at bridal tea......." That way, you're clear that this chick isn't invited and you've given her ideas on what to do.

My H has been in a million weddings. I NEVER expect to be invited to the stuff that's for the groomsmen. Dates of wedding party members should expect to fend for themselves a bit - just goes with the territory.

Knottiecf6fbf8363a9363e · June 2017

Jen4948 said:
Edited to add: If you invite only this +1, are other bridal party members going to get their noses out of joint if they can't bring their SOs or +1s to the tea?

See, okay, I didn't think about this. That... would be quite awkward. When things get awkward, I get awkward. When I get awkward, no one wants to hang out with me, lol.

southernbelle0915 said:

Team Don't Invite The Plus One

Plus ones aren't invited to lots of bridal party only things - bachelorettes, getting ready, the salon, showers, bridal teas...... The only reason this is a question is because this plus one is female.

"Hi MOH - I'd really like this tea to be just us bridesmaids. I hope you understand. Here are some things your friend can do while we're at bridal tea......." That way, you're clear that this chick isn't invited and you've given her ideas on what to do.

My H has been in a million weddings. I NEVER expect to be invited to the stuff that's for the groomsmen. Dates of wedding party members should expect to fend for themselves a bit - just goes with the territory.

Yes! That and she'd be staying with the MOH and 2 BMs (3/4 of my bridal party!) and I don't want things to get awkward. I do feel better knowing that I'm not being rude in not wanting her there :T. And yeah, 1-2 hours shouldn't be too big of a deal, right? Y'all ladies now got me swaying this way... lol.

I actually hadn't really thought about what she'd do day of the wedding. We're doing bridal party pictures during cocktail hour and I asked the girls if they wanted hair and make up with me and MOH was the only one thinking about it. I would really not extend that to +1 so she'd be left by herself too... unless she wanted to tag along to that, too? But I'm hoping hair and make up doesn't take too long... Hrm. I have lots more to think about, eep!

ILoveBeachMusic · June 2017

I'm on don't her invite her side. DD didn't include any of her bridesmaids SO in pre-wedding activities. DD attended a wedding where everyone from her friend group but her was in the wedding party. She hung out at the pool during activities where she wasn't included. NBD

southernbelle0915 · June 2017

cheesypoof said:

Yes! That and she'd be staying with the MOH and 2 BMs (3/4 of my bridal party!) and I don't want things to get awkward.

I actually hadn't really thought about what she'd do day of the wedding. We're doing bridal party pictures during cocktail hour and I asked the girls if they wanted hair and make up with me and MOH was the only one thinking about it. I would really not extend that to +1 so she'd be left by herself too... unless she wanted to tag along to that, too? But I'm hoping hair and make up doesn't take too long... Hrm. I have lots more to think about, eep!

Who cares? I mean, I don't mean to sound cold, but this girl is not part of your wedding party. You didn't ask her to be in the wedding. She is not invited to bridal tea and she's not invited to getting ready. Period.

Your MOH is bringing a friend. That friend understands (or should) that she's tagging along to a wedding where the MOH is going to have bridal party obligations.

If you have the extra cash and you're worried about the hotel thing being awkward, why don't you pay for two hotel rooms - one for your MOH (and her friend can stay in it) and one for the two other BMs who were planning to share a bed. That way, it's just the MOH saying "bye bye" to her tagalong friend and not the whole wedding party. You by no means have to do this, but you sound like you're looking for ways to address this without directly addressing this.

Knottiecf6fbf8363a9363e · June 2017

southernbelle0915 said:

Who cares? I mean, I don't mean to sound cold, but this girl is not part of your wedding party. You didn't ask her to be in the wedding. She is not invited to bridal tea and she's not invited to getting ready. Period.

Your MOH is bringing a friend. That friend understands (or should) that she's tagging along to a wedding where the MOH is going to have bridal party obligations.

If you have the extra cash and you're worried about the hotel thing being awkward, why don't you pay for two hotel rooms - one for your MOH (and her friend can stay in it) and one for the two other BMs who were planning to share a bed. That way, it's just the MOH saying "bye bye" to her tagalong friend and not the whole wedding party. You by no means have to do this, but you sound like you're looking for ways to address this without directly addressing this.

Edit: Something happened with the boxes ah

No no no you're right. I think I'm going to call her soon and go over short+sassy's points and hopefully don't have to go to the last point of her post. FI was rolling my eyes at me, too, when I started worrying about her being left alone during the wedding, lol.

short+sassy · June 2017

@cheesypoof, as an aside, I keep cracking up at your username! Love it. I'm definitely a South Park fan.

downtondiva · June 2017

You do not have to invite her, and honestly, I don't think you should. This is something you were planning for your bridal party, which she isn't part of. It's completely reasonable to want to do something special like this just with your nearest and dearest right before your wedding.

Your MOH was rude to decide on her own that her +1 should come to this tea. I don't think you to call her out on that (really, what's the point?) but you also don't have to cave to what she wants.

Knottiecf6fbf8363a9363e · June 2017

short+sassy said:

@cheesypoof, as an aside, I keep cracking up at your username! Love it. I'm definitely a South Park fan.

!!!

Have you seen the trailer for the mobile game?! I cannot wait!

What should I do? Re: MOH +1

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