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Wedding Etiquette Forum
How to set age restriction for guests?
Here is our dilemma... we have some family with kids under 8. There are a few children that are absolutely HORRIBLE! Always running around and screaming, the parents have no control. At our engagement party, one kid kept running in a photo bombing other peoples photos, and another kid almost knocked over the cake table!
It's extremely uncomfortable to not invite the kids of one family when all other family can bring kids... Do you think it would be best to set a age restriction for all our wedding guest? No kids 10 and under or 8 and under...?
We also have some guests with babies or have multiple children; if we do an age restriction, maybe it'll help us reduce the amount of young children at the event.
My question is: How do we implement the age restriction? Do we have it on our website and on the invitation? How do we word it without being rude?
Another thing to point out is that the one family with crazy kids, I would like the mom to be our witness (for paper signing). If she is up there signing the legal paper, I don't want her kids to run up with her.
SO complicated!
help.
It's extremely uncomfortable to not invite the kids of one family when all other family can bring kids... Do you think it would be best to set a age restriction for all our wedding guest? No kids 10 and under or 8 and under...?
We also have some guests with babies or have multiple children; if we do an age restriction, maybe it'll help us reduce the amount of young children at the event.
My question is: How do we implement the age restriction? Do we have it on our website and on the invitation? How do we word it without being rude?
Another thing to point out is that the one family with crazy kids, I would like the mom to be our witness (for paper signing). If she is up there signing the legal paper, I don't want her kids to run up with her.
SO complicated!
help.
Re: How to set age restriction for guests?
It's fine to have an adult only wedding, or to invite in circles (for example, inviting only children that are nieces/nephews, only children that are cousins, only out of town children etc). The best way to do this is to address the invitation only to those people invited. If they RSVP for more (their children) just call/email/text them and say "I'm sorry if there was some misunderstanding the invitation is just for Mr. & Mrs. Obama".
If you have a age-cut off be sure you're not splitting up families. For example if the Obamas have a 12 y/o and a 9 y/o you can't invite the older child and not the younger, with families it's all or nothing with inviting children.
The only appropriate course of action is to decide whether or not you want to invite kids (if you do, you can limit it to kids in particular circles, like family kids only), and issue invitations listing only the names of those invited on the envelopes. If someone inquires about or RSVPs for kids or other guests who are not invited, then you'll need to call them and explain that only those persons listed on the invitation envelopes are actually invited and no one else can be accommodated.
If someone protests or threatens to boycott your wedding if their kids are not invited, you can respond, "I'm sorry to hear that. We'll miss you." And if someone asks why their kids are not invited, you can respond that unfortunately, you weren't able to invite everyone you would have liked.
If there's a possibility that someone will just show up with their kids, you'll have to make a decision about admitting the kids (in which case you'll have to treat them like invited guests) or turning them and their families away. It's not rude to tell guests who show up with uninvited guests that their invited guests can't join you, but it can lead to hurt feelings, so be prepared for that.
What is rude is to indicate without being asked that someone isn't invited.
Yeah, if you invite the children you don't really get to dictate how they behave. Even when us parents do our best to teach a kid appropriate behaviour, that doesn't mean they won't do as they please, particularly in unfamiliar environments.
As Charlotte said, you can't split up children in family units. So have a kid-free wedding or only invite kids that are related to you/invite in circles. You can't just exclude one family because their kids don't behave to your liking.
Keep in mind that excluding infants/babies may net you more declines. When I had wee ones I wouldn't have left them for more than a quick trip to the grocery store until they were closer to a year (I was a nervous mother, but I'm definitely not alone). Breastfeeding means moms can't be away from their babies for more than a couple of hours (unless they are comfortable and able to pump somewhere private)
Sounds to me like you might be better off just going with an adults only wedding.
I don't know your family dynamics, but in my family it wouldn't fly if all of the nieces and nephews except for one family weren't invited...or all of the cousins' kids, etc. PP are correct that inviting in circles is the most diplomatic way to have some kids but not all.
Ooo good catch!
Were the kids actually invited to the engagement party, or did their parents just bring them along? If the former, yes, they have to be invited to the wedding, but I think that if their parents just brought them and they weren't actually invited to the engagement party, it may not be necessary.
But if they do come to the wedding and misbehave, you can have a DOC, security or venue staff have them and their parents escorted out if required -- or do it yourself if you don't have any of these. But be prepared for tantrums from both the kids and their parents if you do.
- Everyone invited to engagement parties must be invited to the wedding!
- Having an adults only wedding is perfectly fine.
- Setting arbitrary age limits in an effort to exclude particular children won't fool anyone.
- If you want to invite some children and not others, it's best to do so in circles to avoid particular families feeling singled out.
- Some parents won't be willing or able to attend events their children aren't invited to and that's perfectly fine too.
Is it customary for this part of the wedding to be a production? I know that in NY, at least with all the weddings I have attended, the papers are signed after the ceremony in private. This would be a non-issue
Yes this has been a part of the ceremony at every wedding I've ever attended.
Likewise.
The B&G and witnesses signing the license are part of the ceremony proceedings (at any wedding I have attended, as well as my own).
OP- you are free to invite, or not invite, whoever you like- no one is owed an invitation (though if you invite someone to a pre-wedding party, they must be invited to the wedding). However, I think you realize this many cause some drama if you do not invite one family's children, so inviting in circles is recommend to soothe possible hurt feelings. If you can't do this without singling out the kids you less than desire, I would go with no children at all.
You say one of these children's parents is signing your marriage license- would that person still attend your wedding if they cannot bring their children? Something to think about if there is an issue of travel, cost and babysitters.
We signed our papers after in private (with our witnesses). I wonder if it's denomination-specific and/or area specific: We had a congregational minister marry us at a non-church location.
The OP is from Winnipeg and signing the licence at the ceremony is a legal requirement in Canada.
Agreed it's actually not complicated at all.
Lastly, I think most parents recognize when their kids are poorly behaved, especially at something like a wedding. They may have brought them to the engagement party since those are usually more casual, but may decide on their own not to bring them to the wedding.
I'm in NY as well and every wedding I've gone to they included signing of both the license and the Ketubah (if the couple is Jewish). Last wedding they played some bizarre instrumental of a hip-hop song during the signing, so I remember that one extra well.
I like when the signing is included in the ceremony because the only wedding I've gone to where they didn't sign anything was a PPD (I was too young to care, it was a parent's friend). It's an extra indication they're not full of shit :P
If only that were true.......
"My child would never do that!"
"My child never lies."
"You must not like children"
"My child says that it is your fault."
"My child is so gifted. Your class bores him."
"My child always gets straight "A"s. " (Liar!)
"None of the other teachers has problems with my child," (Ha!)
"My child would never hit anyone!"
LOL ok I guess I'm just thinking of people I know! I guess you're right though...not everyone recognizes it!
True. And honestly, it's the parents who foster poor behavior who notice it the least. Like their "normal" is a poorly behaved kid so, to them, their kid is just acting like s/he always does.
I just had my kids (3 and 5), at a destination wedding where they were part of the ceremony, so they came to the reception. They were a hot mess, and I ended up taking turns with my husband running them in the lobby. I was able to keep them in the actual reception, well behaved, for about 30 min. Even if you are aware of the bad behavior, sometimes you just can't make your kids act like mini adults for a 4 hour adult reception. I would have much rather had them with a sitter for most of the reception.
My family has usually done adult weddings, 16 and up. I did the same for my wedding, and addressed the invites to individuals. I didn't know about the "don't split families rule", as I had been to a few weddings my sibling were too young to attend. My husbands family did threaten to boycott in general due to the no kids decision. I family had a younger child that was not invited when the older sibling was. I am not sure what the appropriate thing to do is in this situation, but I have been married 9 years, and they are still upset about it.
I wholeheartedly disagree with this. Typically the parents of rat children think their kids are complete angels.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
The appropriate thing to do is not to split up a family. . .for this very reason.
Either you have a child free wedding, or you invite specific children only as long as you're inviting in circles. And while it's best to keep the circles equal throughout the guestlist, it's not required.
For example, the only children I invited to my wedding were those of immediate family, so my nieces and nephews, and the children of my closest friends who happened to be WP members, as were said children. So I had about 5 kids in attendance total. There could have been more, and they were invited by name, but the parents opted not to bring them.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Oh interesting! I am Canadian and have only been to weddings in Canada so I just thought it was a given. Learned something new today.
Yeah, you guys are right. I don't have kids, and I was thinking of most of the people we know who didn't bring their kids to our wedding. For day to day things, I agree, most parents don't know their kids are awful, but it seemed like more of them at least knew when their kid couldn't handle something like a wedding?
1. We signed our marriage certificate immediately after the ceremony, with our two witnesses and our officiant. (US wedding.)
2. I agree with PP that it's the good parents who are mortified when their kids misbehave--the bad ones are immune to it by now. :P