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Wedding Etiquette Forum
MrsSolberg
member
Another BM post, I know...
MrsSolberg
member
Long time lurker, first time poster. I come to you guys on my knees.
I've read a lot about how you should not, under any circumstances, "fire" a BM or MOH. I was in complete agreement until this went down, which is why I am finally posting.
My wedding is 66 days away. I asked her to be my MOH 3 months ago, not too far out. Our friendship was great, and I loved her, hence why I chose her.
Something happened to her that completely changed her behavior towards me. I know weddings morph relationships, but hear me out. When I say she cried, she CRIED.
A laundry list:
-She is very aggressive towards my two other BM's, saying nasty things about them when they pipe up about cost or time constraints. I understand these things. She does not.
-She refuses to listen to my concerns about cost ("It'll be worth it!!")
-If I say "no" to any of her suggestions, she cries.
-When her dress came in, it was the "wrong" color (it wasn't, she got the same dress she ordered) and she cried. She asked why I was not crying, I told her it's her dress, she can change it if she wants to, no problem. I'm not concerned about colors, everyone matching, etc, I just want my girls to feel good about how they look! I told her this, she replied, "I'm crying for you!! ): ): ):"
-She made herself sick with stress over my shower, agonizing over little details...when I said "don't worry, just reserve the table at the restaurant" she cried about decor.
-She bullies me into changing things that don't fix her vision of a wedding. Example: my FH and I will take uber to our hotel because it is most cost effective; we don't need a limo. She cried about how "princesses don't take uber!!!!"
-When I expressed my hurt feelings about all of this, she dismissed me, saying that she was just trying to help.
I HAVE spoken to her about these things on THREE DIFFERENT occasions. I have expressed to her that I want her to be happy and not stressed. My "perfect' wedding is not worth anyone's anxiety. As long as we get married and no one dies in the process, I'm happy. Again, I HAVE spoken to her about these things, coming from a place of compassion and understanding, telling her that I want her to be happy and have a fun day.
At this point I am so hurt by her behavior, most of all her lack of consideration for my feelings and our friendship, that I cannot see myself staying friends with her. Her negativity worsens my own anxiety. I understand that saying that I do not want her there is a friendship-ending move, but I think in this case it has to happen for the sake of my own mental stability.
I've read a lot about how you should not, under any circumstances, "fire" a BM or MOH. I was in complete agreement until this went down, which is why I am finally posting.
My wedding is 66 days away. I asked her to be my MOH 3 months ago, not too far out. Our friendship was great, and I loved her, hence why I chose her.
Something happened to her that completely changed her behavior towards me. I know weddings morph relationships, but hear me out. When I say she cried, she CRIED.
A laundry list:
-She is very aggressive towards my two other BM's, saying nasty things about them when they pipe up about cost or time constraints. I understand these things. She does not.
-She refuses to listen to my concerns about cost ("It'll be worth it!!")
-If I say "no" to any of her suggestions, she cries.
-When her dress came in, it was the "wrong" color (it wasn't, she got the same dress she ordered) and she cried. She asked why I was not crying, I told her it's her dress, she can change it if she wants to, no problem. I'm not concerned about colors, everyone matching, etc, I just want my girls to feel good about how they look! I told her this, she replied, "I'm crying for you!! ): ): ):"
-She made herself sick with stress over my shower, agonizing over little details...when I said "don't worry, just reserve the table at the restaurant" she cried about decor.
-She bullies me into changing things that don't fix her vision of a wedding. Example: my FH and I will take uber to our hotel because it is most cost effective; we don't need a limo. She cried about how "princesses don't take uber!!!!"
-When I expressed my hurt feelings about all of this, she dismissed me, saying that she was just trying to help.
I HAVE spoken to her about these things on THREE DIFFERENT occasions. I have expressed to her that I want her to be happy and not stressed. My "perfect' wedding is not worth anyone's anxiety. As long as we get married and no one dies in the process, I'm happy. Again, I HAVE spoken to her about these things, coming from a place of compassion and understanding, telling her that I want her to be happy and have a fun day.
At this point I am so hurt by her behavior, most of all her lack of consideration for my feelings and our friendship, that I cannot see myself staying friends with her. Her negativity worsens my own anxiety. I understand that saying that I do not want her there is a friendship-ending move, but I think in this case it has to happen for the sake of my own mental stability.
Re: Another BM post, I know...
What was she like before the wedding? I highly doubt this came out of nowhere.
All I can say is 'no' is not a naughty word. If she cries, so be it. I don't understand how a friend can bully you into changing plans for your wedding. That is on you.
She sounds ridiculous, but your conversations seem a tad ineffectual. She cries because it works.
When she cried in the shop, you should have just dispassionately said: 'Well, I don't know why you are upset. I think it looks fine, but if you want to change it, change it. No need to get upset". and move along.
'Im crying for you' you should respond 'well, that is silly, I am not crying nor am I upset so this seems like your issue.' and move along
About costs: when she says 'it'll be worth it', you should respond, 'We have already made a decision on this and we consider the matter closed. Are you excited for your holiday next week?' and move along.
A lot of these seem like you are frustrated that she 'made you' do things or feel things. No one can do that without your permission. Just say no. Or when she cries, say 'well, something is obviously upseting you so I'll leave you alone' and leave.
It seems like you want to end the friendship rather than just say no effectively. It's your choice, but you are going to need to learn how to say no and mean it sometime.
Stop talking to her about the wedding.
she has her dress, she knows when and where. She doesn't need to know anything else. She sounds like she is dramatic and seen too many movies but take the wedding away and she will be your friend again. You have 66 days left, take a big breath, stop talking to her about the wedding, and ride it out.
AFTER everything is over, if you still want to end the friendship you can.
Beforehand, she was definitely a stress-prone person, but less so than myself.
I tell her she is being ridiculous, I plead with her to let these things go. I posted because I have tried all of the advice I have seen her and yet her behavior continues.
When the conversation turns back to the wedding after you say you don't want to speak about it: 'Well , I've got to run now. I hope your presentation goes well. I'll be thinking about you on tuesday-let me know how it goes. Chat soon'
I just cannot believe you would try to end your closest friendship rather than learn to grow a backbone.
Then don't talk about it anymore.
It seems like you have done everything but stop the conversation. Why are you feeding into her drama? Stop pleading. Say no. Move the conversation along. Don't respond to her crying sessions. If none of this is working, remove yourself from the conversation.
If her behaviour continues, wash and repeat- say you don't want to talk about the wedding, and remove yourself from the conversation if it is brought up again. Say you have to leave and politely hang up. Say you have an appointment and politely leave.
ETA: if she tries to bring it up do as LondonLisa suggested or tell her that wedding talk stresses you out and you don't want to talk about it. And then don't.
Unless she is a ventriloquist, she cannot make you talk about something nor can she force you to be present. 'Susan, I don't want to talk about this, and if you continue I will leave'. Then leave. Don't let her guilt you. You are allowing this stress and anxiety to continue rather than dealing with it head on.
Just stop talking about it, and remove yourself if necessary.
If you want to salvage the friendship kicking her out of your WP will have the opposite effect.
My MOH was similar, as much as I told her I didn't care about decor or details and all I wanted was her to be up with my when I get married she just didn't see it. She had been dreaming about her wedding for YEARS (she wasn't engaged at the time) and I think she thought this is what she had to do as MOH. it caused tons of problems but I had to keep out of the drama. Keep changing the subject, don't engage with her, don't give in when she cries. It's exhausting but you've seen what happens when you give in to her.
If you want to end the friendship that's fine, but don't do it by kicking her out. Have an adult conversation with her. If you want to salvage the friendship take your wedding out of it and tell her how her behavior makes you feel. I know you'd probably rather not have any of this happen, but it's time for a real, hard honest conversation with her.
Then do something about your own anxiety, because you have control over that.
You can't control how your friend is reacting and behaving. Stop expecting her to change her behavior just because you tell her she's being ridiculous. Of course she is, but as you probably know, when you're neck deep in the throes of an anxiety attack you aren't thinking logically.
Stop talking to her about your wedding. If she brings it up change the subject. If she brings the conversation back around to your wedding deflect and change the subject again. If she persists then end the conversation as politely as possible.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
And if she threatens to cry or become anxious, don't make that your problem.
Why don't you just explain to her how you feel? "Best friend, when you act this way/say these things, it is causing me undue stress. I love you, but I can't continue on this way." Instead of focusing this on her ("I want you to be happy, I want you to have a fun day"), bring it back to YOU. Explain to her in a calm and rational way how her behavior it affecting YOU. And then never talk about the wedding with her. Change the subject, end the conversation, etc.
I like this advice.
Look, I feel for you. My BMs gave me some stress over non-matching bridesmaids dresses ("the pictures! blacks can clash!") and my basic refrain was "I really don't care, just pick something." Another time I was a BM and a fellow BM was trying to drive up all our costs over showers ("the bride deserves it!")- we just kept refusing to adjust the plans.
Some people are just nuts.
Keep shutting this woman down, ignoring her wedding talk, whatever. Bean dip- change the topic, ask her about other stuff in her life, anything you can do. Bear this for just a little while longer until your wedding is over and odds are good you can salvage the friendship.
She'll see how great your day was without her wedding-industry-crazy ideas.
The best advice humanly possible for all of life's issues is that you cannot control how others act- only how you act. Don't let her anxiety become yours. Practice mindfulness, go to yoga, whatever.
If you do want to salvage the relationship, I agree that you need to stop engaging with her. Don't try to discuss, explain or rationalize, you're only driving yourself up the wall. If she will not re-focus on something else, then you literally need to walk away/leave/ask her to leave/hang up.
Given the bolded, she doesn't seem like she's seeing you as a person. She's seeing you as a bride to dress up and pose. (Kind of the opposite of when brides stop seeing their BMs as people and see them as props instead.)
Any conversation you have with her should be about how you need her to listen to you and understand that your opinions of your wedding (and whether or not uber has a place in it) are your own, and she can make these decisions for herself when she gets married. Furthermore, anytime she stresses herself out doing something "for" you that you don't want, it's not a gift but a burden.
If she can't understand that you have an identity and opinions beyond ~*bride*~ maybe she isn't the kind of person you should keep close anyway.
Stop pleading with her. Stop acknowledging her comments. What you actually need is boundaries. Both setting them and holding the other person to them. Boundaries are hard, especially with people we love and care about. But you need to set them and adhere to them for the sake of your own sanity.
Next time she starts talking about the wedding, say "Friend, I love you but I will not discuss the wedding with you anymore."
That's step one. But step two -- actually sticking to those boundaries -- is the most important part so the the next time she brings it up -- whether it's five minutes or five days later -- ask "What did I tell you about talking about this subject?"
(The first time I asked my dad this after setting a boundary on a non-wedding related subject, he was so surprised he didn't know what to say but he hasn't brought it up since!)
Issue a royal decree for her to stop stressing you out with all this nonsense.
Seriously if your reaction to any of this has been something other than [series of confused reaction gifs] then you've effectively encouraged her. She's acting like a child. I second PP's suggestion to sit down and address this issue using I/me statements. If she's this upright, telling her to relax and enjoy herself isn't gonna work.
First, she may need a "You know, weddings are a lot like funerals, they use many of the same vendors and as long as you're flexible with your plans they can be amazingly done with only three days of planning! I'm so happy I've chosen such great vendors so I/We don't have to over-think this... AND THEN, you BEAN DIP THE H out of her and get her to change her focus to things that she relaxes and enjoys doing instead.
Next, I really think that she's got "Barbie Syndrome" where she's grown up with only the experience of playing Barbie when it comes to weddings and watching non-reality shows like SYTTD, and whatever over the top wedding shows there are out there. In a way, you're the unfortunate one to burst her bubble that all it takes for a wedding to happen is three things 1) Someone to marry, 2) Person to officiate/witness, and 3) A license. The rest is all window dressing and gravy. Nice but not necessary (i.e. limo vs. Uber)...