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Wedding Woes
Knottiedc7cd04c2f74ed86
member
Just need to vent! (Lazy groomsmen and wedding guests)
in Wedding Woes
I saw an instragram post the other day that I think is a good intro into this vent. "They'll try to make you out to be crazy for demanding shit that really should be the minimum."
I am a bride planning a wedding from afar that is to take place in my home state. My fiance's family and friends live in the midwest and everyone will be coming together for the wedding in the NW. I used to be a wedding planner and never envied those who were planning from afar. Not being able to run around and meet vendors has been a big frustration on its own.
Because most of my fiance's family and friends live in the rural midwest we ended up ordering tux's off of Black Tux so it could all be done by fedex. My Fiance and I paid for all the bridesmaid dresses and tuxes. I'm getting very upset at the bestman and one groomsmen who have been reminded once a week for the last few weeks to get their measurements in. They received the email last Christmas for instructions on how to enter their measurements. We are approaching the date where we will be charged a late fee and my fiance thinks I'm nagging them too much. I see it as extremely rude on their part considering we are paying for their tux's and will take on the late fee, as well as the late fee if they do not return on time. We also got an airbnb for us, my brother and the two guys. My brother has been the only one to offer to help with the cost. We are a month out and the bestman still hasn't bought his plane ticket and has started to complain to my fiance about the price. My fiance wants to help him out but I put my foot down considering he has known about this wedding for 8 months and we are paying for his tux and airbnb.
On to the wedding guests...not to offend anyone from the rural midwest but is etiquette just not a recurring theme out there?! We are a week away from our RSVP deadline and not one person outside of my fiance's immediate family has RSVPd. His dad alone has 6 brothers and sisters and they average about 5 people per family. We asked his parents if they could please remind everyone and to have them send in their RSVPs. They responded with a list of "guesstimates" and said that it should be pretty accurate. This makes my blood boil as the count needs to be accurate for multiple things and I do not have time to manually RSVP everyone.
I just don't think people understand how much work goes into everything and the fact that they cant take the 2 min. for the ONE thing they have to do really hurts my feelings considering we are spending so much of our hard earned money on them.
I am a bride planning a wedding from afar that is to take place in my home state. My fiance's family and friends live in the midwest and everyone will be coming together for the wedding in the NW. I used to be a wedding planner and never envied those who were planning from afar. Not being able to run around and meet vendors has been a big frustration on its own.
Because most of my fiance's family and friends live in the rural midwest we ended up ordering tux's off of Black Tux so it could all be done by fedex. My Fiance and I paid for all the bridesmaid dresses and tuxes. I'm getting very upset at the bestman and one groomsmen who have been reminded once a week for the last few weeks to get their measurements in. They received the email last Christmas for instructions on how to enter their measurements. We are approaching the date where we will be charged a late fee and my fiance thinks I'm nagging them too much. I see it as extremely rude on their part considering we are paying for their tux's and will take on the late fee, as well as the late fee if they do not return on time. We also got an airbnb for us, my brother and the two guys. My brother has been the only one to offer to help with the cost. We are a month out and the bestman still hasn't bought his plane ticket and has started to complain to my fiance about the price. My fiance wants to help him out but I put my foot down considering he has known about this wedding for 8 months and we are paying for his tux and airbnb.
On to the wedding guests...not to offend anyone from the rural midwest but is etiquette just not a recurring theme out there?! We are a week away from our RSVP deadline and not one person outside of my fiance's immediate family has RSVPd. His dad alone has 6 brothers and sisters and they average about 5 people per family. We asked his parents if they could please remind everyone and to have them send in their RSVPs. They responded with a list of "guesstimates" and said that it should be pretty accurate. This makes my blood boil as the count needs to be accurate for multiple things and I do not have time to manually RSVP everyone.
I just don't think people understand how much work goes into everything and the fact that they cant take the 2 min. for the ONE thing they have to do really hurts my feelings considering we are spending so much of our hard earned money on them.
Re: Just need to vent! (Lazy groomsmen and wedding guests)
Let your fiancé deal with the tuxes. If you feel you must "deadline is x date. After that you will have to pay the late fee"
The tux thing is frustrating. I get it. Tell them that their measurements need to be in by X date in order to get tuxes. Period. Tell them once, don't nag repeatedly. If they don't get them in, they don't have tuxes. It may not have been your original plan, but your wedding will still take place. You can't force them to get measured at gunpoint, all you can do is lay it out for them and then deal with whatever happens.
With the Airbnb, did you say "We'll share an Airbnb with you and split the cost, let us know if you're interested?" Because "offering to help with the cost" doesn't sound like you were upfront about the arrangements. Unfortunately, that's on you. Personally, I wouldn't expect to stay with someone and not even offer to pay my share. But if you didn't make it clear, then don't be surprised if it's not clear to them. It's possible (based on the rest of your post) that it's out of their budget, in which case budgeting first and then booking could have prevented this situation.
Similarly, if the best man doesn't buy a ticket, he won't be there. The end. Unfortunate, but life goes on. If he doesn't have the money, then he doesn't have the money.
Finally, what is the point of having a deadline if you're going to nag people for over a week beforehand? This is how it works: you set the deadline. People respond. If anyone hasn't RSVPed by the time the deadline has passed, then you contact them to find out whether they're coming. You're making a lot of extra, unnecessary work for yourself.
Depending on how you presented the air bnb, people might have thought you were providing it. That's a communication issue I can't comment on. The tux thing is annoying, as is the BM flight, but if they don't fix those issues themselves, they've effectively taken themselves out of the wedding. The ball is in their court. Let it go after you remind them of the deadline once more. And don't be passive aggressive about it. Since it's your FI's groomsman, let your FI be the one to remind him. "Hey man, just an FYI, the last day to order the tux is X."
The instagram post you quoted kind of put me off. It seems like something a bridezilla would share/like. The only things required by the Bridal party are to show up on time, sober, and in the correct attire on the day of the wedding. All other planning, paying, decorating, etc should be done by you and your FI or hired vendors.
It is a rude thing universally to not RSVP by deadline, but contrary to popular belief your wedding isn't the most important thing in peoples' lives. People could have the invite in a large pile of unsorted mail, they could be waiting on a work schedule, they maybe even didn't receive the invite in the mail. Maybe they thought someone else in the household sent in the reply card already. You get the joy of tracking down these RSVPs AFTER your set deadline has passed.
And if the best man is complaining about cost, well, maybe something happened in his life that is tightening his purse strings. Life happens. Be sympathetic. Tuxes... good advice above about that too, but life will not end if your gms show up in non-matching attire.
Some of your problems are the perfect scenarios for "action=consequence" statements. That you communicate once, and then don't worry about. For example,
If you do end up having a lot of guests to call who didn't RSVP, split this task up with your FI. And see my advice in the first sentence if you have to leave a message or someone is still wishy-washy, ie "Hey Cousin John, I didn't get your RSVP for the wedding and wanted to check if you and your wife are coming. We definitely hope to see you there but, if I don't hear from you by X date, we'll put you down as a "no". Boom. Done. You have your answer, either way, with one phone call.
Obviously I wasn't there for the exact conversation had with everyone in regards to the AirBnB, but your post makes it sound like you all are covering it. But were hopeful that people would offer to chip in. Let me introduce you to "people"*, even our closest loved ones, lol. There are a lot of folks out there who won't pay for JACK, if they can get away with it. So, if these people weren't specifically asked their lodging budget and then agreed to pay $X, there is a good possibility they are not going to volunteer any money.
*General snark at humankind, not at you specifically OP.
Yes, it sucks the groomsmen haven't gotten measured yet. Let your FI deal with this. If he is saying you need to back off, it's time to back off.
Why would you expect the groomsmen to chip in for the Airbnb? It sounds to me like you offered to pay for it. If you offered to pay for it, I doubt he'd offer up money. And if he's complaining about the costs of flights and whatnot, maybe his money situation is tight. You don't know the ins and outs of someone's financial situations. Even if he had months to save up, what is something catastrophic happened and he had to spend money on something (car issues, something needs to be repaired ASAP, a pet is sick, etc).
If you gave people an RSVP date, you need to wait until that date to start bothering people for their replies. You're still a week out! Chill out! I had members of my H's family not even send replies. Some I had to call 3 times, and we were a week out from the wedding. This will happen. It's not the end of the world. If a few days after your RSVP date, you still haven't received a reply, call or email or text. Also, how much time is there between your RSVP and your wedding date? Are you asking people to RSVP within a long amount of time that might be unreasonable? For example, are you asking for RVSPs for a wedding taking place in August??
My H and I had to call or text a good 75% of his family members once our rsvp deadline passed. We're in NYC so I dont think it's regional. It was super annoying!! But not the end of the world. If the deadline is a week away it's unfair to be angry at them right now.
1) I agree, the best man is being pretty disrespectful, IMO. Send him an email letting him know how much the late fee is and that y'all didn't budget for it. Hopefully that makes him feel bad enough to do it.
2) You can't book an airbnb, offer for people to stay in it and then expect them to offer to pay you. That sounds like one of those poorly planned bachelorette parties where the MOH books a house and says "you will stay here and you owe me $X" Bish, I don't because what you plan is on YOU. Ask for my input, and we can talk.
3) You can start being mad about RSVPs when your deadline passes, but not a moment sooner.
You know us Mid-westerners are just too dumb to figure out when we're being insulted.
Yeah, well we all just fell off that turnip truck or tractor or whatever.
"'I have no doubt that he will thrive and be a very rich man in time–and his being illiterate and coarse need not disturb us.'" - Emma Woodhouse on the farmer Robert Martin
this^^^
If some members of your wedding party have decided that they no longer are eager to participate in your wedding after your communications, I would not be surprised.
I am the old lady conservative member of this board, and I was born in Rockwell City, Iowa, thank you. Someone hand me my smelling salts. I feel faint!