Wedding Etiquette Forum

A couple of questions about an invite we got

DH and I haven't been invited to a wedding since DS was born.  Over the weekend we received an invite to an out-of-town celebration of marriage for a friend of ours. It's later this year and we're trying to decide if we can manage all the logistics to go.

1) Would be rude/awkward to bring our own babysitter for DS?  It looks like DS is invited to some day-time pre-events but not the main event/reception.  It's an evening reception (6-11) and DS needs to be in bed around 7:30 so we'd want someone to put him to feed him and put him in bed.  There are on-site sitters but the celebration site is not the hotel guests are being asked to use.  Just leaving DS with a sitter for the weekend and going ourselves isn't an option for us.

2) If the dress code is formal, that means a suit for DH right?  And a cocktail style dress for me?  Because it's evening, is there an assumption that it would be a longer dress?  I don't own a ton of formal wear so I'd want to start looking soon as I'm a short, busty, curvy lady who will likely need something tailored once purchased.  

We've got about a month before the hotel blocks close and it would be harder to find accommodations.  We'd likely opt only to participate in the main event day events and not anything the day before or day after, just to make it easier on us and DS. 

Thanks in advance!
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Re: A couple of questions about an invite we got

  • 1) I think you're fine taking your sitter with you but you should figure out the logistics for yourself and should not plan to use the same location / space as their on-site sitter.   Essentially that may mean that your sitter stays in your hotel and doesn't stay at the reception location.  That may require some additional coordination.

    2) I would want to know a little more before being OK with your DH in a suit.  A dark suit and an elegant cocktail dress *could* be OK or they may be slightly too informal.  
  • Unless it's black tie no need for a long gown. 
    Totally fine to bring your own sitter and leave your son in the hotel with that person. 
  • MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    JaxInBlue said:

    DH and I haven't been invited to a wedding since DS was born.  Over the weekend we received an invite to an out-of-town celebration of marriage for a friend of ours. It's later this year and we're trying to decide if we can manage all the logistics to go.

    1) Would be rude/awkward to bring our own babysitter for DS?  It looks like DS is invited to some day-time pre-events but not the main event/reception.  It's an evening reception (6-11) and DS needs to be in bed around 7:30 so we'd want someone to put him to feed him and put him in bed.  There are on-site sitters but the celebration site is not the hotel guests are being asked to use.  Just leaving DS with a sitter for the weekend and going ourselves isn't an option for us.

    2) If the dress code is formal, that means a suit for DH right?  And a cocktail style dress for me?  Because it's evening, is there an assumption that it would be a longer dress?  I don't own a ton of formal wear so I'd want to start looking soon as I'm a short, busty, curvy lady who will likely need something tailored once purchased.  

    We've got about a month before the hotel blocks close and it would be harder to find accommodations.  We'd likely opt only to participate in the main event day events and not anything the day before or day after, just to make it easier on us and DS. 

    Thanks in advance!


    !00% fine to bring your own sitter.  I don't see why you can't stay at the hotel in which the reception is being held.  Your DS and sitter would remain in the room or possibly make use of hotel amenities (pool, etc.) during the time of the reception, so I don't see why that would make a difference, or necessitate being at a different hotel.  Depending on distance, ease of travel, etc., I think I would prefer remaining in the same building as the sitter and my child.

    Suit and cocktail dress are definitely as formal as I would dress for this event.

    Out of curiosity, are you attending a wedding or an after reception for a wedding that has occurred?  Verbage such as "celebration of marriage" and reception (with no mention of a ceremony) makes it sound as if you are attending an "after party" event.  That may or may not make a difference in your attendance, but it seems like a lot of hullabalu and cost for an after event.
  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    edited July 2017


    banana468 said:


    1) I think you're fine taking your sitter with you but you should figure out the logistics for yourself and should not plan to use the same location / space as their on-site sitter.   Essentially that may mean that your sitter stays in your hotel and doesn't stay at the reception location.  That may require some additional coordination.

    2) I would want to know a little more before being OK with your DH in a suit.  A dark suit and an elegant cocktail dress *could* be OK or they may be slightly too informal.  




    What's more formal than a suit without just being black tie? Ditto a cocktail dress. 
  • Thanks all!  To clarify for @MobKaz and others.  I'm about 90% this is a celebration of a marriage that already occurred.  There were social media posts suggesting the couple has had a civil ceremony and this event will be the religious one.  We'd be going with the assumption that this is a mildly publicly-known PPD.

    The celebration is not being held at a hotel, which is what got me thinking about bringing our own sitter.  It's at an event space so I'm assuming there will be some sort of room for kids, but not necessarily one conducive to bedtime.  DH and I are fairly rigid about bedtime.  I think we'd ask one of our moms to sit with DS which would help with the different-places part.

    The clothes part is what give me the most pause, especially with the caveat that this is mostly a party.  DH and I are not formal clothes people so shopping/renting would be necessary.  Reaching out to a mutual friend on the guest list is probably the next step.

    I appreciate all the advice, especially on the sitter!
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  • JaxInBlue said:

    Thanks all!  To clarify for @MobKaz and others.  I'm about 90% this is a celebration of a marriage that already occurred.  There were social media posts suggesting the couple has had a civil ceremony and this event will be the religious one.  We'd be going with the assumption that this is a mildly publicly-known PPD.

    The celebration is not being held at a hotel, which is what got me thinking about bringing our own sitter.  It's at an event space so I'm assuming there will be some sort of room for kids, but not necessarily one conducive to bedtime.  DH and I are fairly rigid about bedtime.  I think we'd ask one of our moms to sit with DS which would help with the different-places part.

    The clothes part is what give me the most pause, especially with the caveat that this is mostly a party.  DH and I are not formal clothes people so shopping/renting would be necessary.  Reaching out to a mutual friend on the guest list is probably the next step.

    I appreciate all the advice, especially on the sitter!


    As long as you're leaving your son at the hotel, and not planning to bring your own sitter to the event, totally fine!




  • As long as you're leaving your son at the hotel, and not planning to bring your own sitter to the event, totally fine!


    Yup!  That would be the plan!  Bring DS to some of the during the day stuff, leave him at the hotel with the sitter for the evening event.
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  • banana468 said:



    1) I think you're fine taking your sitter with you but you should figure out the logistics for yourself and should not plan to use the same location / space as their on-site sitter.   Essentially that may mean that your sitter stays in your hotel and doesn't stay at the reception location.  That may require some additional coordination.

    2) I would want to know a little more before being OK with your DH in a suit.  A dark suit and an elegant cocktail dress *could* be OK or they may be slightly too informal.  






    What's more formal than a suit without just being black tie? Ditto a cocktail dress. 









    banana468 said:



    1) I think you're fine taking your sitter with you but you should figure out the logistics for yourself and should not plan to use the same location / space as their on-site sitter.   Essentially that may mean that your sitter stays in your hotel and doesn't stay at the reception location.  That may require some additional coordination.

    2) I would want to know a little more before being OK with your DH in a suit.  A dark suit and an elegant cocktail dress *could* be OK or they may be slightly too informal.  






    That's about as formal as I get, so at that level I'm not going to worry about being slightly underdressed. I've done what I can, and I'm only going to step it up past that for a true black tie event. Formal means a huge variety of things depending on the circle anyway.




    That's why I'd want to know more.

    More than likely it's fine especially if it's not black tie.    But I do think it's important to just pay attention to the location and any other signals about the time, etc.

    And when I say the suit might not be OK, I'm really only referring to
    1) If it's black tie.
    2) It needs to be a darker colored suit.   My father owns a tan suit and that would be a no go IMO. 
  • Curious how you got the impression that the dress code is "formal."

    Do you know this venue and know it's fancy?
    Was the invite very simple black & white?
    Were their menu choices like filet mingon and lobster?
    Did you specifically ask someone in the wedding what the dress code was and "formal" is what they said?

    Or did something in the invite or website tell you it was "formal."


    This sounds like a multi-day, attention whoring, PPD, where guests (kids) are invited to some pre-wedding events but not all, and they want to dictate people's attire.
    And you're going to travel for it and organize (and potentially pay for) multi-day babysitting and/or have mom give up her weekend to spend a bunch of it being by herself in a strange city while DS is at the few events the couple deems him worthy of attending?

    There's very little info to go on so maybe I'm being overly judgmental of the couple. But face value the whole thing sounds really obnoxious.


  • aurianna said:

    Curious how you got the impression that the dress code is "formal."

    Do you know this venue and know it's fancy? 
    Was the invite very simple black & white?
    Were their menu choices like filet mingon and lobster?
    Did you specifically ask someone in the wedding what the dress code was and "formal" is what they said?

    Or did something in the invite or website tell you it was "formal."


    This sounds like a multi-day, attention whoring, PPD, where guests (kids) are invited to some pre-wedding events but not all, and they want to dictate people's attire.
    And you're going to travel for it and organize (and potentially pay for) multi-day babysitting and/or have mom give up her weekend to spend a bunch of it being by herself in a strange city while DS is at the few events the couple deems him worthy of attending?

    There's very little info to go on so maybe I'm being overly judgmental of the couple. But face value the whole thing sounds really obnoxious.



    @aurianna

    I wouldn't have guessed it would be formal (evite invitation) but the website did state the dress code as formal.  Menu is more casual too and the venue seems to be pretty typical for my social circle (i.e.: nicer event venue).  I think that there's a whole lot of faux pas here but it's a friend and I'm not going to be the one to say anything short of sending regrets.  I have asked a mutual friend for any more info she may have before we our decision.
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  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    JaxInBlue said:



    aurianna said:


    Curious how you got the impression that the dress code is "formal."

    Do you know this venue and know it's fancy? 
    Was the invite very simple black & white?
    Were their menu choices like filet mingon and lobster?
    Did you specifically ask someone in the wedding what the dress code was and "formal" is what they said?

    Or did something in the invite or website tell you it was "formal."


    This sounds like a multi-day, attention whoring, PPD, where guests (kids) are invited to some pre-wedding events but not all, and they want to dictate people's attire.
    And you're going to travel for it and organize (and potentially pay for) multi-day babysitting and/or have mom give up her weekend to spend a bunch of it being by herself in a strange city while DS is at the few events the couple deems him worthy of attending?

    There's very little info to go on so maybe I'm being overly judgmental of the couple. But face value the whole thing sounds really obnoxious.





    @aurianna

    I wouldn't have guessed it would be formal (evite invitation) but the website did state the dress code as formal.  Menu is more casual too and the venue seems to be pretty typical for my social circle (i.e.: nicer event venue).  I think that there's a whole lot of faux pas here but it's a friend and I'm not going to be the one to say anything short of sending regrets.  I have asked a mutual friend for any more info she may have before we our decision.


    That's fine, but I wouldn't go out of your way to dress formal if you don't have an outfit already. Doesn't sound like the event is actually formal, and the B&G shouldn't be dictating attire anyway, so wear what you would normally wear to a friend's wedding.
  • banana468 said:

    JaxInBlue said:



    aurianna said:


    Curious how you got the impression that the dress code is "formal."

    Do you know this venue and know it's fancy? 
    Was the invite very simple black & white?
    Were their menu choices like filet mingon and lobster?
    Did you specifically ask someone in the wedding what the dress code was and "formal" is what they said?

    Or did something in the invite or website tell you it was "formal."


    This sounds like a multi-day, attention whoring, PPD, where guests (kids) are invited to some pre-wedding events but not all, and they want to dictate people's attire.
    And you're going to travel for it and organize (and potentially pay for) multi-day babysitting and/or have mom give up her weekend to spend a bunch of it being by herself in a strange city while DS is at the few events the couple deems him worthy of attending?

    There's very little info to go on so maybe I'm being overly judgmental of the couple. But face value the whole thing sounds really obnoxious.





    @aurianna

    I wouldn't have guessed it would be formal (evite invitation) but the website did state the dress code as formal.  Menu is more casual too and the venue seems to be pretty typical for my social circle (i.e.: nicer event venue).  I think that there's a whole lot of faux pas here but it's a friend and I'm not going to be the one to say anything short of sending regrets.  I have asked a mutual friend for any more info she may have before we our decision.


    Based on that I vote cocktail dress is fine.

    They're either saying that it's formal because they have no clue or because they want people to dress up.  But if you're not feeding me formal food you don't get my formal attire. 
    A cocktail dress is formal attire ><

    Formal attire does not mean Black Tie ballgown.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • banana468 said:

    JaxInBlue said:



    aurianna said:


    Curious how you got the impression that the dress code is "formal."

    Do you know this venue and know it's fancy? 
    Was the invite very simple black & white?
    Were their menu choices like filet mingon and lobster?
    Did you specifically ask someone in the wedding what the dress code was and "formal" is what they said?

    Or did something in the invite or website tell you it was "formal."


    This sounds like a multi-day, attention whoring, PPD, where guests (kids) are invited to some pre-wedding events but not all, and they want to dictate people's attire.
    And you're going to travel for it and organize (and potentially pay for) multi-day babysitting and/or have mom give up her weekend to spend a bunch of it being by herself in a strange city while DS is at the few events the couple deems him worthy of attending?

    There's very little info to go on so maybe I'm being overly judgmental of the couple. But face value the whole thing sounds really obnoxious.





    @aurianna

    I wouldn't have guessed it would be formal (evite invitation) but the website did state the dress code as formal.  Menu is more casual too and the venue seems to be pretty typical for my social circle (i.e.: nicer event venue).  I think that there's a whole lot of faux pas here but it's a friend and I'm not going to be the one to say anything short of sending regrets.  I have asked a mutual friend for any more info she may have before we our decision.


    Based on that I vote cocktail dress is fine.

    They're either saying that it's formal because they have no clue or because they want people to dress up.  But if you're not feeding me formal food you don't get my formal attire. 
    A cocktail dress is formal attire ><

    Formal attire does not mean Black Tie ballgown.
    And a cocktail dress can also be semi formal.   

    My point is that I'd want more information before I picked my attire.   I've attended events where a longer gown was a better choice and more where a shorter cocktail dress was fine.   Still others where the cocktail dress should have been "upped" with extra jewels.   It's understanding the invitation and the venue more before deciding what to put on that's all. 
  • banana468 said:
    banana468 said:

    Based on that I vote cocktail dress is fine.

    They're either saying that it's formal because they have no clue or because they want people to dress up.  But if you're not feeding me formal food you don't get my formal attire. 
    A cocktail dress is formal attire ><

    Formal attire does not mean Black Tie ballgown.
    And a cocktail dress can also be semi formal.   

    My point is that I'd want more information before I picked my attire.   I've attended events where a longer gown was a better choice and more where a shorter cocktail dress was fine.   Still others where the cocktail dress should have been "upped" with extra jewels.   It's understanding the invitation and the venue more before deciding what to put on that's all. 

    Semi formal isn't really a thing, though.

    It's an ambiguous, contradictory, nonsense fashion category like beach formal, dressy casual, and business casual.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • banana468 said:
    banana468 said:

    Based on that I vote cocktail dress is fine.

    They're either saying that it's formal because they have no clue or because they want people to dress up.  But if you're not feeding me formal food you don't get my formal attire. 
    A cocktail dress is formal attire ><

    Formal attire does not mean Black Tie ballgown.
    And a cocktail dress can also be semi formal.   

    My point is that I'd want more information before I picked my attire.   I've attended events where a longer gown was a better choice and more where a shorter cocktail dress was fine.   Still others where the cocktail dress should have been "upped" with extra jewels.   It's understanding the invitation and the venue more before deciding what to put on that's all. 

    Semi formal isn't really a thing, though.

    It's an ambiguous, contradictory, nonsense fashion category like beach formal, dressy casual, and business casual.
    Yeah, I get it.   I know WHAT semiformal is.    My point is that the cocktail dress can work in a variety of places or formalities so it's important to pay more attention like know the venue, the time of day, and understand the hosts. 

    I'm not new here.   I know how this works. ;-)
  • edited July 2017
    For a dress code laugh:
    https://www.buzzfeed.com/terripous/how-well-do-you-know-these-common-wedding-dress-codes?utm_term=.wjloDz5Gz#.va1kV0mP0

    Edited for posting too soon.  A buzzfeed quiz on what "cocktail attire" and other dress "codes" really mean! 


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