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Etiquette

Close friends decline invitation

edited August 2017 in Etiquette
i got engaged last August and planned an October wedding across the country from my homestate. Save the dates went out in October of last year- one year before the wedding so people would have time to prepare and buy flights. My college roommate and I aren't super close but I would consider her a good friend. She got engaged in January and planned her weekend for the weekend after mine! Our other college roommate (who also went to high school with me and is a good friend) is in her wedding. I got this second college roommates rsvp decline and am mad that she is not coming because of the wedding the weekend after mine which was planned far later. I'm also angry that my other friend would plan her wedding for the weekend after mine, knowing my date. Am I justified here? I feel like our friendships are over. 

Re: Close friends decline invitation

  • You're allowed to be disappointed about this, but I think ending these friendships is way too harsh. It's not like this second friend agreed to be your bridesmaid and then bailed on you to be somebody else's. She was invited to your wedding as a guest, and she is prioritizing the wedding where she is a bridesmaid. I don't see what's unreasonable about that. 

    As for your other friend getting married the weekend after you - I will admit that I wouldn't be too happy if a family member or close friend planned their wedding right around mine and people would potentially have to choose between them. But that doesn't change the fact that people can plan their wedding for whenever they want, and I'm sure this friend did not have any ill intentions for picking a date that close to yours. It's not ideal, but you need to let it go. 

    As @artbyallie said, this is a time in life when there are a lot of weddings. I'm sure a lot of people would love to be able to go to all the weddings they're invited to, but for most people that simply isn't possible. I'm sure nobody means to hurt you here; it's just a reality of life that not everyone can reasonably attend every wedding to which they are invited. Is this really worth losing friends over?
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    ahoyweddingcharlotte989875short+sassy
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'm sorry. It is disappointing when people we consider close friends or relatives turn down our invitations to our big events.

    But it happens. Ending a friendship over it means that it is gone forever. Even if that feels like something you want right now, it could be very painful, even more so than you're feeling now, in the future if you go through with it.

    So I wouldn't make this a hill to die on. Instead, I'd acknowledge that just as you get to make the plans for your wedding, including picking the date, so does your friend. And if two weddings close together in time is too much for your other friend, especially because she's been asked to be a bridesmaid in the other wedding and yours is a DW, their declines were not intended as a personal attack or slight against you.
  • Am I justified here? I feel like our friendships are over. 
    I don't think so. You can feel put out about it, of course! But you have to recognize that you get ONE day. Whether your wedding was the weekend before or 6 months before, it's not reasonable to expect people will drop thousands to attend what is (for them) a destination wedding. Especially when you said yourself y'all aren't even close. I mean, really?

    I have to ask - are you attending your friend's wedding? If not, this kind of a pot meet kettle situation. You might say "but my honeymoon!" and she's saying "but my wedding!"

    If you're willing to abandon a friendship over this, I'm guessing it wasn't a very good friendship to begin with.
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    Australian_girl_in_Parissparklepants41mollybarker11SP29
  • It's definitely disappointing when close friends aren't able to celebrate with us, and I remember feeling a bit bummed that certain people couldn't attend our wedding. That being said, I personally don't think this is worth ending a friendship over, unless your friend said she intentionally chose the weekend after yours to slight you. 

    Did you go to college in your home state? Do your shared friends have to travel for both your wedding and your friend's wedding? How far out of college are you guys? It could be just that your friends are in a place in their lives where they don't have a ton of extra money. It does seem like there are a few years after college when everyone gets married AND everyone is poor at the same time lol. If her wedding doesn't require travel, it may be more convenient for your shared friends.

    Is your second roommate in your wedding? In her case, I can see why she'd maybe not be able to attend your wedding; being a BM isn't inexpensive so she may not have the funds to travel to yours.
  • Think of the reverse situation:

    'A friend of of mine from college is planning a destination wedding on the other side of the country. I'm getting married this year too so money is tight (or, I'm standing up in a wedding). I'm sad she chose a DW because if it was local I would have definitely attended. It just feels like she doesn't really want us there because it's so far and expensive.'

    By all means end your friendship- but it's seems petty. You chose a DW, surely you knew people would not be able to attend- other wedding or not. 

    Where did she say it was a DW? I could have a wedding in my hometown, the town I live in, or the town my BF is from and any option would require flights for many of my guests.
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Have a margarita. Move on. Your friends did nothing wrong here. 


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    PrettyGirlLost
  • The girl who planned her wedding a week after yours did nothing wrong. She picked a date that worked for them. You only get one day (or I'll even give you the whole weekend). Especially if you don't have too many overlapping people on your guest lists. 

    The other friend is closer to the first friend than to you. Is that a surprise to you? You didn't ask her to be in your wedding, but the other girl did. It should be obvious they have a closer relationship. 

    Be disappointed that someone can't make it to your wedding, and if you need to, evaluate if you two are really as close as you thought, but then move on with life. I can't imagine ending a friendship because someone couldn't make it to my wedding!
  • Ditto PPs

    Being sad that people close to you won't be there for an important event in your life is a perfectly justified feeling. I had a few incredibly close friends who couldn't make it for various reasons and I was very bummed out.
    However... other feelings that would make you want to end the friendship (resentment, betrayal, jealousy, etc) might not be quite as justified.

    In regards to the friend getting married.
    October is one of the most popular wedding months and it only has four weekends.
    She obviously wants an October wedding and she doesn't want a long engagement. These are both 100% totally reasonable desires and there is no reason she should have to compromise on either of them.
    You said you were friends but not super close. You're not family. This tells me that while you may have some shared friends, overall your circles are fairly different and the majority of your guests lists would not overlap. That means her scheduling her wedding for the weekend after yours was not particularly inconsiderate to guests.
    You have no reason to be at all angry at this friend unless you honestly think the fact that you happened to get engaged first means you are entitled to the wedding you want but your friend is not (hint. It does not).
    There was likely no ill will here. Try to remember that.


    As for your other friend...
    As we don't know the friend or the friendship there's no way to say for sure what's going on here for sure. Maybe there are other factors that make you want to end the friendship? But if it's really just her not coming to your wedding, then you reeeeeeally need to stop and think for a while.

    I know you gave people a year's notice. But destination weddings are expensive. Hotels are expensive. Taking time off of work isn't always easy. And while a person wants to say that friendship is more important than money sometimes it just isn't practical.
    My husband and I both make a great living but if my best friend, who was my maid of honor, ended up having a destination wedding that might cost us over a grand to attend.... I really don't know if I could do it. We have bills, a mortgage, student loans and a child. So even if I knew about the event a year in advance, it doesn't mean I'd be willing to do it. And that doesn't make me an awful person.
    Also, it could be a vacation issue. If she's taking time off for your friend's wedding maybe she just doesn't have enough to also go to yours. That sucks, but she's in the bridal party so that trumps yours.

    Her not coming doesn't mean she doesn't care about you. Logistically it may just be too difficult. Consider hard about throwing away a friendship over something that's possibly as mundane as budgets and schedules.
    short+sassycharlotte989875PrettyGirlLostSP29
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Think of the reverse situation:

    'A friend of of mine from college is planning a destination wedding on the other side of the country. I'm getting married this year too so money is tight (or, I'm standing up in a wedding). I'm sad she chose a DW because if it was local I would have definitely attended. It just feels like she doesn't really want us there because it's so far and expensive.'

    By all means end your friendship- but it's seems petty. You chose a DW, surely you knew people would not be able to attend- other wedding or not. 

    Where did she say it was a DW? I could have a wedding in my hometown, the town I live in, or the town my BF is from and any option would require flights for many of my guests.
    She said it was across the country from her home state and she sent STDs with enough time so everyone could save for flights. It might not technically be a DW for all, but certainly if one has wedding that requires airfare for most, one cannot get upset when others cannot make it. It isn't like the friend is skipping a wedding that is around the corner from her house. 

    Just because people have time to save, doesn't mean that they can or want to.

    If a wedding requires significant travel for the majority of guests, it's a DW, regardless of whether or not the couple has to travel or not.

    I will always call these types of weddings on these boards DWs.


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • I understand being upset. I'm getting married in Pairs in September. Another of my super close friends was married this year in March in Sri Lanka. Many out our mutual friends went to that wedding and subsequently can't do a second big trip. I was super upset because we gave everyone over a year notice - sending STD in November last year so people would know. But many friends chose to go to her wedding (which they should have) we went also it was amazing. 
    I'm totally bummed out that many won't be at our wedding because of not having leave from work or the cash to do it. But my friend didn't do this 'to me' it just happens to affect me. I'm sure this is also the case for your friend. There could be a bunch of reasons that you friend chose that weekend that you don't know about. 

    In the end, I'd be upset about it but try to act as though your still friends this certainly isn't something either of them has done 'to you' its more something that happens to 'affect you'. It sucks a lot but your day will be great regardless.
    charlotte989875SP29
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited August 2017
    OK, I don't get it.  40 years ago NOBODY traveled long distances by plane to attend a wedding.  It wasn't expected.  No bride would expect that her family and friends would spend thousands of dollars to attend her wedding.  I had family strung out from Florida to Alaska, and I knew these people wouldn't be able to come to my wedding.  I sent them invitations out of courtesy, but I certainly didn't expect them to make my wedding a priority in their lives.

    I really think OP is a victim of the bridal industry and current expectations.
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  • CMGragain you talking about 40 years ago - of course things are different...... 
    The 70's also had bell-bottoms so..........
    TrixieJessJediElizabethPrettyGirlLost
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    I agree with @MobKaz and @CMGragain the wedding industry has created a huge sense of expectation. 34 years ago I had very few OOT guests - most of them were within driving distance. I don't think anyone flew in and weren't expected to do so. I, too, had people I was expected to invite but knew they weren't going to travel for a wedding. Since weddings have become almost a whole weekend affair, couples think people should come. I kind of miss the days of a brief (1-2 hours) reception after the ceremony with no dinner and dancing.
    ahoyweddingPrettyGirlLostlizybeff
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    CMGragain you talking about 40 years ago - of course things are different...... 
    The 70's also had bell-bottoms so..........
    Fashion has a way of repeating itself every few decades.  I remember bell bottoms were a thing when I was in jr high / high school in the early -mid 90s.  Trucker hats were also around in the 70s and those wretched things got resurrected in the early '00s.  And now I see my high school students wearing chokers that we wore in the 90s.

    Sorry for the tangent.  The bell-bottoms comparison / insult doesn't work for this. 
    ahoyweddingcharlotte989875Knottie737c32aade6d0ff7
  • CMGragain you talking about 40 years ago - of course things are different...... 
    The 70's also had bell-bottoms so..........
    Fashion has a way of repeating itself every few decades.  I remember bell bottoms were a thing when I was in jr high / high school in the early -mid 90s.  Trucker hats were also around in the 70s and those wretched things got resurrected in the early '00s.  And now I see my high school students wearing chokers that we wore in the 90s.

    Sorry for the tangent.  The bell-bottoms comparison / insult doesn't work for this. 
    How about "they also used to hitchhike in the 70s".  Yes, the world is different.  

    Air travel, as far as I know, was not as common as it is today, so that's also a possible reason why more people travel today than they did in the 70s.  

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