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Wedding Etiquette Forum
tormoen.wedding
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Close friends decline invitation
i got engaged last August and planned an October wedding across the country from my homestate. Save the dates went out in October of last year- one year before the wedding so people would have time to prepare and buy flights. My college roommate and I aren't super close but I would consider her a good friend. She got engaged in January and planned her weekend for the weekend after mine! Our other college roommate (who also went to high school with me and is a good friend) is in her wedding. I got this second college roommates rsvp decline and am mad that she is not coming because of the wedding the weekend after mine which was planned far later. I'm also angry that my other friend would plan her wedding for the weekend after mine, knowing my date. Am I justified here? I feel like our friendships are over.
Re: Close friends decline invitation
You are entitled to feel however you would like, but I would caution letting it impact a friendship.
Keep in mind that you only get one day and your friend is perfectly fine to plan her wedding on a date that works for her, her FI and their VIPs. It is unfortunate that because they are so close together, people may have to choose one event over the other. There is nothing you can do. Unless your friend called you up to say "I'm planning my wedding for the weekend after yours to piss you off and ruin our friendship" you really don't know why they picked that date. Perhaps it is plan C and they really wanted another weekend but couldn't make it work.
Personally, I wouldn't end a friendship over this. I would have a really good self pity weekend and then work to move past it. I would extend the olive branch to this friend and perhaps you might find that you get to gush about wedding stuff with someone who will be similarly excited about it.
Your second friend was asked to be a bridesmaid and that's going to be a priority for her so I can understand why it might be necessary for her to skip yours in order to attend the wedding she's involved in. You're allowed to be upset she can't come, but don't let this ruin your friendship with either of them. That's needlessly petty and dramatic.
Also, you're at that point in life where lots of your peers will be getting married around the same time. That means having to choose which ones to go to, and not everyone will be able to make it to yours. That does not mean at all that they're not your friends, just that other things got in the way. Be disappointed, but then get over it and carry on.
As for your other friend getting married the weekend after you - I will admit that I wouldn't be too happy if a family member or close friend planned their wedding right around mine and people would potentially have to choose between them. But that doesn't change the fact that people can plan their wedding for whenever they want, and I'm sure this friend did not have any ill intentions for picking a date that close to yours. It's not ideal, but you need to let it go.
As @artbyallie said, this is a time in life when there are a lot of weddings. I'm sure a lot of people would love to be able to go to all the weddings they're invited to, but for most people that simply isn't possible. I'm sure nobody means to hurt you here; it's just a reality of life that not everyone can reasonably attend every wedding to which they are invited. Is this really worth losing friends over?
'A friend of of mine from college is planning a destination wedding on the other side of the country. I'm getting married this year too so money is tight (or, I'm standing up in a wedding). I'm sad she chose a DW because if it was local I would have definitely attended. It just feels like she doesn't really want us there because it's so far and expensive.'
By all means end your friendship- but it's seems petty. You chose a DW, surely you knew people would not be able to attend- other wedding or not.
But it happens. Ending a friendship over it means that it is gone forever. Even if that feels like something you want right now, it could be very painful, even more so than you're feeling now, in the future if you go through with it.
So I wouldn't make this a hill to die on. Instead, I'd acknowledge that just as you get to make the plans for your wedding, including picking the date, so does your friend. And if two weddings close together in time is too much for your other friend, especially because she's been asked to be a bridesmaid in the other wedding and yours is a DW, their declines were not intended as a personal attack or slight against you.
I have to ask - are you attending your friend's wedding? If not, this kind of a pot meet kettle situation. You might say "but my honeymoon!" and she's saying "but my wedding!"
If you're willing to abandon a friendship over this, I'm guessing it wasn't a very good friendship to begin with.
Did you go to college in your home state? Do your shared friends have to travel for both your wedding and your friend's wedding? How far out of college are you guys? It could be just that your friends are in a place in their lives where they don't have a ton of extra money. It does seem like there are a few years after college when everyone gets married AND everyone is poor at the same time lol. If her wedding doesn't require travel, it may be more convenient for your shared friends.
Is your second roommate in your wedding? In her case, I can see why she'd maybe not be able to attend your wedding; being a BM isn't inexpensive so she may not have the funds to travel to yours.
The other friend is closer to the first friend than to you. Is that a surprise to you? You didn't ask her to be in your wedding, but the other girl did. It should be obvious they have a closer relationship.
Be disappointed that someone can't make it to your wedding, and if you need to, evaluate if you two are really as close as you thought, but then move on with life. I can't imagine ending a friendship because someone couldn't make it to my wedding!
Just because people have time to save, doesn't mean that they can or want to.
Being sad that people close to you won't be there for an important event in your life is a perfectly justified feeling. I had a few incredibly close friends who couldn't make it for various reasons and I was very bummed out.
However... other feelings that would make you want to end the friendship (resentment, betrayal, jealousy, etc) might not be quite as justified.
In regards to the friend getting married.
October is one of the most popular wedding months and it only has four weekends.
She obviously wants an October wedding and she doesn't want a long engagement. These are both 100% totally reasonable desires and there is no reason she should have to compromise on either of them.
You said you were friends but not super close. You're not family. This tells me that while you may have some shared friends, overall your circles are fairly different and the majority of your guests lists would not overlap. That means her scheduling her wedding for the weekend after yours was not particularly inconsiderate to guests.
You have no reason to be at all angry at this friend unless you honestly think the fact that you happened to get engaged first means you are entitled to the wedding you want but your friend is not (hint. It does not).
There was likely no ill will here. Try to remember that.
As for your other friend...
As we don't know the friend or the friendship there's no way to say for sure what's going on here for sure. Maybe there are other factors that make you want to end the friendship? But if it's really just her not coming to your wedding, then you reeeeeeally need to stop and think for a while.
I know you gave people a year's notice. But destination weddings are expensive. Hotels are expensive. Taking time off of work isn't always easy. And while a person wants to say that friendship is more important than money sometimes it just isn't practical.
My husband and I both make a great living but if my best friend, who was my maid of honor, ended up having a destination wedding that might cost us over a grand to attend.... I really don't know if I could do it. We have bills, a mortgage, student loans and a child. So even if I knew about the event a year in advance, it doesn't mean I'd be willing to do it. And that doesn't make me an awful person.
Also, it could be a vacation issue. If she's taking time off for your friend's wedding maybe she just doesn't have enough to also go to yours. That sucks, but she's in the bridal party so that trumps yours.
Her not coming doesn't mean she doesn't care about you. Logistically it may just be too difficult. Consider hard about throwing away a friendship over something that's possibly as mundane as budgets and schedules.
If you'e getting married I think you can understand that for many it's a big expense. And for those who are planning such an expense, it's quite possible that she received your STD, then got engaged and realized that the cost to plan her wedding and attend your wedding would mean that something may have to come out of her own plans. Getting the STD doesn't ensure that people are going to prioritize or budget for your wedding. I think you need to get that idea out of your head. It's great that you gave people the OPTION to do that but it doesn't mean that you forced their hand.
For the other friend, perhaps she's also aware of the cost to attend your wedding. To add to that, when you attend a wedding, you don't really spend a ton of time with the bride or groom. If you're not in the WP, you show up as a guest and have a good time but it's a lot of money for maybe 30 minutes to an hour of conversation. If I was keeping tabs on my finances then I would probably look into seeing you before or after the wedding when I would be able to plan a visit with just you rather than table visit time.
When you planned your wedding, did you ask your friends if that date was free? Did you consult with either of them to see if the date worked? If you didn't ask them if the date worked then why would you expect them to ask you? Generally people need to work with their VIPs, their ceremony location and the reception location and their budget. They can't consult with all guests.
I think your emotions may be raw right now, you're probably sad that you aren't going to be able to attend your friends wedding either and you're bummed that they wont' be there on your big day. But your wedding day will come and go. Do you want to maintain friendships? If so, make plans to actually see these friends for a real visit.
If a wedding requires significant travel for the majority of guests, it's a DW, regardless of whether or not the couple has to travel or not.
I will always call these types of weddings on these boards DWs.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
I'm totally bummed out that many won't be at our wedding because of not having leave from work or the cash to do it. But my friend didn't do this 'to me' it just happens to affect me. I'm sure this is also the case for your friend. There could be a bunch of reasons that you friend chose that weekend that you don't know about.
In the end, I'd be upset about it but try to act as though your still friends this certainly isn't something either of them has done 'to you' its more something that happens to 'affect you'. It sucks a lot but your day will be great regardless.
I really think OP is a victim of the bridal industry and current expectations.
The 70's also had bell-bottoms so..........
Invitations to OOT family and friends are more often than not sent as a courtesy. I had relatives that insisted they receive invitations knowing full well they were unable to attend. It felt very awkward and gift grabby to me. However, one aunt in particular would find it unforgivable had I not sent one out to her.
I do agree that today brides do have an expectation that guests will, and/or must attend their wedding or that guest is guilty of a huge grievance of insult and offense. "I gave them a years notice to set the date aside and save the money to attend" said many a hurt bride.
In that interpretation, I agree with @CMGragain. Entitlement on this level did not exist 40 years ago. That difference is real, and sadly, crummy. Bell bottoms came back, hopefully so will perspective beyond one's ego.
They have remained very close over the past 40 years and just went on a trip to Vancouver together celebrating their 40th anniversary with a third couples that was married in the summer of 77.
Would be sad to think that these 40 years went by without those friendships for such a silly reason.
OP, please think past your wedding, which is a one day event. I'm sorry your best friend won't be there for your wedding, but this is not a reason to end your friendships.
Sorry for the tangent. The bell-bottoms comparison / insult doesn't work for this.
Air travel, as far as I know, was not as common as it is today, so that's also a possible reason why more people travel today than they did in the 70s.