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Moms and Maids
filaw
member
How to handle a baby at DW?
I'm a first time mom with what will be a 6 month old. My sister is having a DW. Both my husband and I are in the wedding party. I'm fairly stressed about a couple things.
Issue 1, what to do with her during the ceremony. Since we'll both be standing up with my sister, neither of us can hold her. I can ask other family that will be there of course, my parents or my aunt, but what if she starts fussing or all out wailing? I can't ask my parents to miss my sister's ceremony right? My aunt maybe? But it feels like an overly burdensome request for someone that isn't intimate family. My MIL was going to do it, but now she's not going (no one from my husband's side is). What do I do?
issue 2. She needs hour long naps 3x a day, but you have to hold her through the whole thing. If you put her down, she wakes up. That's not something we're going to fix in the next 2 weeks so we're stuck with it. If my husband and I are going to be needed for pictures etc prewedding (I remember the whole morning before mine being a pretty packed schedule), then neither of us can be disappearing into a dark room for an hour. I guess this is maybe a more acceptable request for my aunt?
Ive yet to leave her with anyone except family. So I'm not totally comfortable the first time being a total stranger that I have to book without any personal referrals and without meeting beforehand (both impossible since we're in another country.) So babysitter isn't really an option.
Thoughts? Brilliant out of the box inspirations?
Issue 1, what to do with her during the ceremony. Since we'll both be standing up with my sister, neither of us can hold her. I can ask other family that will be there of course, my parents or my aunt, but what if she starts fussing or all out wailing? I can't ask my parents to miss my sister's ceremony right? My aunt maybe? But it feels like an overly burdensome request for someone that isn't intimate family. My MIL was going to do it, but now she's not going (no one from my husband's side is). What do I do?
issue 2. She needs hour long naps 3x a day, but you have to hold her through the whole thing. If you put her down, she wakes up. That's not something we're going to fix in the next 2 weeks so we're stuck with it. If my husband and I are going to be needed for pictures etc prewedding (I remember the whole morning before mine being a pretty packed schedule), then neither of us can be disappearing into a dark room for an hour. I guess this is maybe a more acceptable request for my aunt?
Ive yet to leave her with anyone except family. So I'm not totally comfortable the first time being a total stranger that I have to book without any personal referrals and without meeting beforehand (both impossible since we're in another country.) So babysitter isn't really an option.
Thoughts? Brilliant out of the box inspirations?
Re: How to handle a baby at DW?
Honestly, I think you need to take care of your LO. Your emotional ties to the ceremony are similar to other family members, so you are correct that it would be unfair to ask anyone else to care for your LO. Although you are in the wedding party, there is nothing that changes for your sister if you are required to leave to ceremony to settle the baby. You are a new mom with a LO. Stuff happens.
It might be more acceptable to ask a family member to help during pictures. But pictures should not require you to be available for an entire morning. Try to work your MUST DO pictures around LO's schedule. While BM pictures are being taken, have your spouse care for the baby. When it's time for groomsmen to be photographed, it's your turn. When group photos are being taken, that is when you can check with a family member.
These are the downsides to life with baby. Everyone needs to be a little flexible and understanding. Your sister chose a DW that has some inherent inconveniences. You opted to attend, and need to accept that you will also have to make some sacrifices.
On a side note, I strongly encourage you to look into sleep training or other changes in nap routines when you return home.
Since the wedding is in two weeks, I'm guessing you can't ask someone you know and trust to travel with you? That would have been ideal. Expensive, but ideal.
I actually don't think it's unfair to ask someone to hold your baby during the ceremony. Unless it's some crazy-long religious ceremony, you're talking about 15/20 minutes. Asking your aunt to hold your baby for that amount of time is not a big deal. It's family.
Does she fall asleep in a reclined stroller? Even my colicky/fussy baby would fall asleep with the motion and bumps and a sound machine. If so, she can go where you go during the day and someone can rock the stroller for the few minutes you're taking photos.
Lastly, I don't know where you're going, but many resorts have babysitting services through the hotel. If that's an option, you could either drop her off at the daycare or hire someone to come to your room for the day.
Once you realize what it's like to have the child's nap time as "you time", you will never go back. I promise.
My MIL was going to come and that was the plan. She had to drop out last minute, though, which is how we got here.
As for sleep training, yeah... My husband's the primary caregiver, though, and he's happy with the state of things, and since he's the one who has to deal with it whatever it is, I feel like he gets to have the most say in what he wants to do you know?
Ill talk to my sis about the possibility if she starts fussing/wailing, one of the two of us we'll probably just walk over to whoever's holding her and take her out of the room? I don't mind doing it. It's more the disruption that I'm worried about since we'll be standing up in front of everyone.
As much as it sucks, the good news is that if you need to put down your child and she screams while you're taking pictures, if she's not mobile, she's not going anywhere. There were times; especially after I had my 2nd that I had to realize that the crying kid can't make me move faster. Sometimes, the kids' going to cry and you have to let her cry for a bit. Sucks, but your choices are flip out yourself or just let her do her thing for a few minutes.
As far as the rest of the time, I'd think your choices in the next two weeks are:
-Start sleep training
-Plan to baby wear when you're not "on duty".
When my littles were that young and didn't really have a full schedule yet, I baby wore. They snuggled up to me and snoozed on me as needed. That may be the best solution. It gives you hands free dining too.
I feel your pain. My son sounds very much like your LO.
Or tell your your sister your husband can't be involved in the ceremony because he has to take care of the baby.
It sounds like you had a plan ... good, but it feel through. That is unfortunate but you do have a bit of time. First things first - go out this weekend for a 'date' and get a babysitter that is not family. Even if it is for a few hours, do it. Then at the DW you can get a sitter and it won't be 'the first time'. I think it is a reasonable solution for the ceremony so that both you and hubby can stand up and be part of it. Without a sitter, I think one of you needs to step down and look after baby. A sitter may not be your favourite option but even if your kiddo screams the entire time, they will be looked after and it will really only be for 30 minutes or so.
I'm sorry that your plans didn't go the way you were hoping and I think the above is really your only options. It isn't fair to ask a family member to deal with your baby. They will all want to be present for the ceremony.
You need to take steps to help your baby become comfortable with other people. If you continue the holding during nap time, you will really regret it down the road. Your child needs to learn to self soothe. This is an important skill for your baby to develop.
Whatever happens in two weeks will happen. Either your baby doesn't really nap that day, or they figure out how to sleep not in your arms, or they're not thrilled to be with a sitter for 30 minutes to an hour but they survive, or they're totally fine with it. No long term damage will be inflicted, it's just probably going to be a hard day.
Stepping out of wedding things to nurse is a necessity, stepping out multiple times to find a dark room to hold your child for an hour plus is inflexibility. You're right that you can't ask another family member to hold your child during the ceremony either, so either one of you has to step down or you have to find an outside sitter. Other people have given good suggestions of in-between options to bridge the gap of the rest of the day, but you're not going to be able to work the day around the habits you've created, and it really would be a good idea to help your kid learn how to sleep on their own - for their own sake as well as yours.
Will the baby sleep in a stroller? That could be helpful for both ceremony and pictures. . . maybe invest in a Sleep Sheep to give her some white noise.
When it comes to sleeping, I remember when my son was tiny and I used to love when he would fall asleep in my arms.. . . and I was always pretty sad to put him down in his swing or crib, but I kept doing it and he got used to it and he is a fantastic napper and sleeper now. . . . It's also helpful to have that hour to get things done.
Not starting an argument, just throwing that out there as this 'skill' is very much old school thinking and may not be good idea.
Really? I haven't heard that yet. I'd be interested to see what the research is showing. It seems like such an important skill for a child to develop.
http://www.babysleepsite.com/sleep-training/self-soothing-myths-busted/
I think there is a bridge between "leave the child on its own and it'll figure it out" and creating a very narrow set of parameters (darkness, being held) in which a child will be able to sleep. DD gets to sleep in her bed with her stuff for most naps, but every so often I try to change things up so that she has the ability to sleep anywhere and everywhere.
My son was able to go to bed in his crib by 6 or 7 mo but he was a nightmare to go back down to sleep when he'd wake for a feeding. In the end, I often co-slept with him during that age because he would scream in the middle of the night in his crib but he'd PTFO in my bed. When it's 2 AM, you need to work and you're exhausted you go with the short term solution.
At 9 months on Memorial Day weekend we pushed the sleep training. I did modified Ferber, dealt with more screaming and in a few days he was out. He still woke up at times in the middle of the night but he nursed fast and went back down.
DS still isn't that easy to go to sleep. Have you heard, "Go The Fuck To Sleep" in audio book form by Samuel L Jackson? It's the truth. Sometimes he yells for us when we think he's been down for an hour. But he eventually does go to sleep and rarely wakes at night now.
My point: at the 6 mo mark, while I think the OP's husband is setting himself up for bad behaviors if he isn't open to changing them, I think it's really easy for a lot of mom-shaming to go on when parenting at that age can be a lot of trial by fire.
Agrred, no mom-shaming allowed. . . . it's tough enough trying to raise kids without everyone telling you you are doing it wrong!
I do, however, think that its wise for OP to be open to suggestions of other potential options when she is expressing how limiting their current routine is.
For reference I wasn't mom-shaming!
OT: if any mom felt I was, I do apologize. I wasn't intending that
We will definitely bring a carrier. Those are so essential!
I've warmed to the idea of a babysitter since my husband and I will be in the same building the whole time. It's just so hard when we can't even get someone that someone we know trusts. I've found a nanny agency that looks reliable, so that's the way we're going.
And I didn't mean to be inflexible. I'm more than willing to step down if that's what it comes to (for awhile there we weren't even sure if we could go). I just was trying to figure out the least disruptive way to handle the tricky circumstances.
Here's what you do - roll with it! If you have to hand off LO to Grandma/pa/aunt/uncle/Gravel Gurtie/etc. because you've got to pose for a picture or 10, do so. At the end of the evening you'll get LO back or if they start fussing people will B-line for you. B&G chose you to be in the WP knowing you've got LO to contend with. If you are holding LO during the ceremony, just make sure they've got a cute outfit or two for the day! Don't overthink this, you've got too much else to contend with like remembering the binkie and backups, diapers, burp towels, etc.
ETA: NAF of the whole anonymous person you or family hasn't met to know they're o.k. It's one thing if it's someone that comes highly recommended (i.e. Daycare staff who watches cousin's LO and will be watching their LO during the event too), it's another for you to find a random person, IDRGARA who someone says on their website they've been checked out by, just no...