Wedding Woes

If she has a kid, what is it to you?

Dear Prudence,

My best friend, “Jen,” and I are in our mid-30s; we met as college roommates and have been a huge part of each other’s lives since then. I’m divorced with two young children, and she’s never been married. Jen has always been very particular, but lately it’s gotten much worse. She’ll ask a waiter 20 questions before ordering a sandwich, and sometimes even asks to see a sample of the sandwich before deciding. It’s the same thing with home furnishings and other simple decisions. Unsurprisingly, Jen has never found a guy who could meet her exacting standards but is now obsessed with the idea of having a baby to “pass on her genetics.” I was surprised by this since she never shows any interest in children. She talks about passing on her love of travel and books and music, but when I mention the realities of motherhood, she waves her hand and says that’s only for the first few years—that she can put up with it to get to the “good stuff.” Before she brought up this baby idea, I was actually toying with the idea of telling her to talk to her doctor since I’m pretty sure she has some form of OCD. I don’t bring my children to her place anymore because she gets upset if they touch her carefully arranged magazines. I can’t think of anyone less suited to single motherhood. Should I have a frank talk to try dissuade her? She’s already looking into sperm banks.

–Unqualified Mother

Re: If she has a kid, what is it to you?

  • I can see both sides of this.   If you know someone who is dealing with an alternate reality it's frustrating.   And well, if you think she's going to bring someone into this world who is never going to fit into her mold of what she expects, you can feel for the child that doesn't exist yet.

    Only the letter writer knows how close she is with Jen.   I don't know that I'd start by trying to dissuade her from having kids if she's hellbent on doing it but maybe she could say that she's going to bring her kids by Jen's house again?  

    I don't think there's a good answer here.   I think she may just have to hope that Jen will soften a bit when she realizes that not everything is within her control and a love of travel, books and music can be nurtured without having offspring. 
  • Agreed with @mrsconn23  - there is no 'right' answer.

    Also, sounds like "Jenn" doesn't understand much about kids. But really, who does? You could be around kids your whole life, but I'm 95% it's different when it's your own.
  • banana468 said:
    Agreed with @mrsconn23  - there is no 'right' answer.

    Also, sounds like "Jenn" doesn't understand much about kids. But really, who does? You could be around kids your whole life, but I'm 95% it's different when it's your own.
    I think that the way the LW is painting the picture, Jen doesn't just not understand kids.   She has no fucking clue.   Jen sounds sad and like she's not satisfied in life so she's deciding that it would be great if the world had a duplicate of her.   And well......that's not how it works.    

    Jen sounds like she may want to pick up one of her loved books on kids. 
    Jen has zero fucking clue, but it's nothing I haven't heard before from other people.  Yes, she should read a book.  But it doesn't sound like Jen is going to listen to LW if she tries to reason with or dissuade her.  So at this point, I think honesty about parenting and encouraging Jen to inform herself is LW's best path to helping her friend. 
  • mrsconn23 said:
    banana468 said:
    Agreed with @mrsconn23  - there is no 'right' answer.

    Also, sounds like "Jenn" doesn't understand much about kids. But really, who does? You could be around kids your whole life, but I'm 95% it's different when it's your own.
    I think that the way the LW is painting the picture, Jen doesn't just not understand kids.   She has no fucking clue.   Jen sounds sad and like she's not satisfied in life so she's deciding that it would be great if the world had a duplicate of her.   And well......that's not how it works.    

    Jen sounds like she may want to pick up one of her loved books on kids. 
    Jen has zero fucking clue, but it's nothing I haven't heard before from other people.  Yes, she should read a book.  But it doesn't sound like Jen is going to listen to LW if she tries to reason with or dissuade her.  So at this point, I think honesty about parenting and encouraging Jen to inform herself is LW's best path to helping her friend. 
    Totally agree.   Telling someone so headstrong that her head is up her rump never works. 
  • banana468 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    banana468 said:
    Agreed with @mrsconn23  - there is no 'right' answer.

    Also, sounds like "Jenn" doesn't understand much about kids. But really, who does? You could be around kids your whole life, but I'm 95% it's different when it's your own.
    I think that the way the LW is painting the picture, Jen doesn't just not understand kids.   She has no fucking clue.   Jen sounds sad and like she's not satisfied in life so she's deciding that it would be great if the world had a duplicate of her.   And well......that's not how it works.    

    Jen sounds like she may want to pick up one of her loved books on kids. 
    Jen has zero fucking clue, but it's nothing I haven't heard before from other people.  Yes, she should read a book.  But it doesn't sound like Jen is going to listen to LW if she tries to reason with or dissuade her.  So at this point, I think honesty about parenting and encouraging Jen to inform herself is LW's best path to helping her friend. 
    Totally agree.   Telling someone so headstrong that her head is up her rump never works. 
    I feel like she needs to watch Michael Mcintyre "What People Without kids don't know"
    It's comedy, but my coworker laughs because that's the stage she/her kids are in lol
  • For some reason (lol), Jen doesn't really sound like a "listener". If I were LW, I would bring my kids over to her house as often as possible. They will fuck with her magazines and make her kitchen knobs sticky and be loud/obnoxious. I would invite Jen to children's events where she cannot avoid meltdowns. I would ask her to babysit for me. Exposure, exposure, exposure.

    Even if she is one of those pre-parents who thinks "well MY kid will NEVER act like that because I will be a better parent than these peons" at least she's exposed to it so that it humbles her when it inevitably happens.
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  • It sounds like LW has already tried to have a "hey, this is more the reality of being a parent" discussion.  It didn't work.  It usually doesn't when someone is convinced they want XYZ. 

    I agree that maybe the LW bringing her own children over more often, might have some of that seep in.  Probably not.  But I think it is the only potential for her to "see the light".  And, you know what, maybe the love for her child she has (if she has one) will override her normal fussiness and there will be a personality adjustment.  Perfectly stacked magazines with no tiny peanut butter fingerprints will be a thing of the past that she will laugh at, on occasion.

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  • I am so completely stuck on asking for a sample of the sandwich.  I'm trying to envision my response as a server and I can't get much past my mouth dropping open, laughing, and then being really uncomfortable, while I just went to get the manager.  I want to know what happens...does she get a sample?  How does the kitchen make a sample?  What if it's a cooked sandwich, do they just cut out a bit for her?  If she likes it do they just give her the rest?  I have so many questions for LW that has nothing to do with her concern.

    I would stay out of it though.  I've learned, the hard way once or twice now, that friends, even very good ones, don't really appreciate your input on their life decisions.  They might tell you that you were right later, but it's always going to cost a little something, and sometimes, a big something, in your friendship.
  • VarunaTT said:
    I am so completely stuck on asking for a sample of the sandwich.  I'm trying to envision my response as a server and I can't get much past my mouth dropping open, laughing, and then being really uncomfortable, while I just went to get the manager.  I want to know what happens...does she get a sample?  How does the kitchen make a sample?  What if it's a cooked sandwich, do they just cut out a bit for her?  If she likes it do they just give her the rest?  I have so many questions for LW that has nothing to do with her concern.

    I would stay out of it though.  I've learned, the hard way once or twice now, that friends, even very good ones, don't really appreciate your input on their life decisions.  They might tell you that you were right later, but it's always going to cost a little something, and sometimes, a big something, in your friendship.

    I was puzzled and had a bemused expression on my face also.  I also wouldn't want to be behind her at 31 Flavors.

    Or asking "20 questions" about a sandwich.  I assume the LW is using hyperbole, but still.  It's one thing to ask a few questions...maybe more than a few...if you're at a 4-star restaurant plopping down $50 for a steak.  It's quite another to be harassing a person at a deli for your $8 sandwich with, "How many days was this salami cured for?" 

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