I'm the PP who said you were being petty, and I stand by that. You are being purposefully hurtful by excluding children who didn't have a say in any of this. YOU are the one who will strain any future relationships by this action. I get complicated family situations. SO's family is a cluster, and his parents can be very conservative and judgy. Right now one of his brothers is dating a girl with four kids. No one except me, SO, and SO's sister and her bf know. I don't see the relationship ending well (for multiple reasons), but I have nothing against those kids (or against the gf). If SO's brother came up to us and told us he was married to her now, I would be welcoming to those children. They would be welcome to the family holidays and events just like any other family member. Frankly, they're welcome now. It doesn't matter what I think of their relationship. I'm not going to exclude people just because they aren't "blood related." Kids know when they're not wanted. Why start off a relationship like that?
And adding a couple kids cannot possibly break the budget. You are lucky enough to have your parents contributing to the reception. Chip in to start family relationships off on the right foot. You are scrounging for excuses on that one.
@InLoveInQueens I remember that poster. She was awful. Like...next level awful.
My brother took in his wife's 2 nephews for a while. During that time they had a scheduled trip to my parent's house. My parents not only opened them with open arms, they helped fly them out.
They were still at my brother's house for xmas. I sent them a gift just like I did my nephews. 3 years later I still have NEVER met these kids. They have since gone back to their dad's.
It never occurred to me not to be welcoming of these kids. Even though I never met them.
Your FBIL loves this woman and her kids enough to marry her. They came a package. Respect his choices and welcome everyone into the family. It's the correct thing to do.
If three kids, one of which is a toddler, is going to be a budget breaker your parents then I suggest paying for them yourself. Or better yet, cut costs somewhere else.
I get being upset at the secrecy and yes, it is odd. But it's not so horrible as to exclude the kids. You already knew they lived together, I would have put them on the list from the start. But that's just me. I feel like people who live together should be treated the same as if they are married. Socially that is.
Oh and here's an idea. Why not call them up and say "CONGRATULATIONS! We heard you got married. Let's get together and celebrate."
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
I'm sad that your FBIL is treating the children like a 'dirty little secret.' How disrespectful to the children, their mother and your fi's family. You must rise above and include her children. The one year old wouldn't know the difference, but the two older children are old enough to realize the insult if you invite their step-siblings and not them. From an etiquette standpoint, that would be very rude.
I understand your hurt over your FBIL not telling you and fi about his marriage. His brother should tell him he is hurt and ask why he kept an important milestone a secret. Maybe he was worried that your FILs would reject his step-children.
When you tell your parents about the three additional children, you and fi could offer to pay for them. Having your guest list finalized isn't a good excuse. Between now and your wedding, other guests might get married, widowed, divorced, start dating someone etc....and then your guest list would change. This is no different.
I wish I could remember the details of the post this reminds me of (hint hint help a girl out! not the one that's currently making people nauseous in Wedding Party), the woman posted about her soon-to-be-step daughter and you could just smell the disdain for this kid through the computer. She was just so awful about an innocent child who did nothing but be born and she was aiming to beat Cinderella's stepmother for worst stepmother of the year award.
Oh NO! Those details are singed into my brain. The bride 2 be paid for her own daughter's music lessons and sports, while the fi's daughter went without. Her reasoning - she made more money than her fi and he and his ex couldn't afford extras. She and fi befriended ex's estranged parents. She wanted those grandparents to take SD home after wedding so she wouldn't interfere with 'sexy time.' I don't remember her SN, but she most likely is 'deleted poster,' now.
I think it would be a TOS violation to post a link to the thread
I wish I could remember the details of the post this reminds me of (hint hint help a girl out! not the one that's currently making people nauseous in Wedding Party), the woman posted about her soon-to-be-step daughter and you could just smell the disdain for this kid through the computer. She was just so awful about an innocent child who did nothing but be born and she was aiming to beat Cinderella's stepmother for worst stepmother of the year award.
Oh NO! Those details are singed into my brain. The bride 2 be paid for her own daughter's music lessons and sports, while the fi's daughter went without. Her reasoning - she made more money than her fi and he and his ex couldn't afford extras. She and fi befriended ex's estranged parents. She wanted those grandparents to take SD home after wedding so she wouldn't interfere with 'sexy time.' I don't remember her SN, but she most likely is 'deleted poster,' now.
I think it would be a TOS violation to post a link to the thread
That thread was awful! I can't believe people can be so cruel to innocent children.
OP, you asked us to help you do something which is rude, heartless, and very judgemental on your part. We gave you the correct advice: don't do this.
You are not a special bride who can ignore good manners and generosity of spirit just because you are THE BRIDE. I am shocked at how callous you are about children's feelings, especially children who will be a part of your future family by marriage.
It is not your call to judge how other people choose to get married. Shaming your FBIL's wife for her pregnancy is disgusting! I cannot believe that you posted that. Who are YOU to judge other people like this?
My uncle got married without telling any of us. We all found out when they eventually posted it months later on Facebook. It happens. It's not a totally odd situation.
You referring to these children as a "dirty little secret" is just gross.
There were plenty of my H's relatives we invited to our wedding that I hadn't met yet. I don't see why this is a sticking point. Your FI's brother is now married to this woman. He is a step-father to her children. You absolutely cannot invite just his children and not hers! I'm honestly shocked that someone would even think this is OK.
Invite the kids. Are you serious?! It's THREE KIDS. Be the bigger person. Jesus. Whether you think you should have known about their wedding or been invited is irrelevant. You should not split families, which is what you're trying to do.
There is no appropriate way to write this on an envelope because it's not appropriate. You may as well write "John and Jane Smith and ONLY JOHN'S CHILDREN - we don't know those other kids so DON'T BRING THEM" I mean seriously, that's what you're basically asking to do. And there is NO way to do it without being an asshole.
And what a "welcome" to these new family members.. Get a hold of yourself, OP!
If these kids are living with your FBIL and his wife, they should be invited. It is not fair or nice to look at a household with kids and say some of the kids can come and some can't simply because of biology. Whatever your FBIL's behavior may be (and shame on him if he is really treating these kids like a "dirty little secret"), these children are his family now, and you should treat them as such, even if he fails to do so.
To be honest, it seems to me that you just don't approve of these people or how they live, and you are looking for permission to be rude or spiteful to them as a result. That your FBIL got married in secret and that his wife may have been pregnant at the wedding has NOTHING to do with your wedding, and I don't understand why you even felt the need to bring any of that up. I suggest you quit being so judgmental and invite these kids. Maybe it'll be a good opportunity for others in the family to get to know them, since you seem so hung up on that.
I'll bet the FBIL & his wife kept their wedding a secret because they were afraid people would act like Judgy McJudgersons.
Considering the wedding isn't for nearly 6 months and the OP is already trying to figure out how to limit these people I have a feeling that you're not far off.
You mention in a previous post OP that you haven't even ordered invitations yet. This tells us you're still a decent way out from your wedding. I know you say the guest list is set, but you've still got the option to be flexible.
The rules of inviting everyone's SO and not splitting up families applies at the time invitations are SENT, not some arbitrary date where you've decided your guest list is finalized and that is that. You should be prepared for any of your guests to enter into a new relationship between now and when your invitations go out.
Either you invited these 3 children, just like the rest of your nieces and nephews, or no kids. Does your venue not offer a different price for children's meals? None of them will be consuming alcohol. Adding in 3 minors really shouldn't break the bank here- you and your FH can cover the cost if your parents cannot.
When it comes time to send your invitations, I (or your FH, I should say) would call up BIL and honestly ask him what his relationship status is, "Hey BIL, we're addressing invitations and I want to make sure I have all our guests' names. I heard you're in a new relationship- is that true?". Go from there. Honestly, this is your FH's brother and in your WP- he's close enough he can be asked point blank, "did you get married? Does she have children?".
Re: His...not Hers....the blended family problem
@InLoveInQueens I remember that poster. She was awful. Like...next level awful.
They were still at my brother's house for xmas. I sent them a gift just like I did my nephews. 3 years later I still have NEVER met these kids. They have since gone back to their dad's.
It never occurred to me not to be welcoming of these kids. Even though I never met them.
Your FBIL loves this woman and her kids enough to marry her. They came a package. Respect his choices and welcome everyone into the family. It's the correct thing to do.
If three kids, one of which is a toddler, is going to be a budget breaker your parents then I suggest paying for them yourself. Or better yet, cut costs somewhere else.
I get being upset at the secrecy and yes, it is odd. But it's not so horrible as to exclude the kids. You already knew they lived together, I would have put them on the list from the start. But that's just me. I feel like people who live together should be treated the same as if they are married. Socially that is.
Oh and here's an idea. Why not call them up and say "CONGRATULATIONS! We heard you got married. Let's get together and celebrate."
I understand your hurt over your FBIL not telling you and fi about his marriage. His brother should tell him he is hurt and ask why he kept an important milestone a secret. Maybe he was worried that your FILs would reject his step-children.
When you tell your parents about the three additional children, you and fi could offer to pay for them. Having your guest list finalized isn't a good excuse. Between now and your wedding, other guests might get married, widowed, divorced, start dating someone etc....and then your guest list would change. This is no different.
I think it would be a TOS violation to post a link to the thread
I had to shout because this really shouldn't be that hard to get.
You are not a special bride who can ignore good manners and generosity of spirit just because you are THE BRIDE. I am shocked at how callous you are about children's feelings, especially children who will be a part of your future family by marriage.
It is not your call to judge how other people choose to get married. Shaming your FBIL's wife for her pregnancy is disgusting! I cannot believe that you posted that. Who are YOU to judge other people like this?
You referring to these children as a "dirty little secret" is just gross.
There were plenty of my H's relatives we invited to our wedding that I hadn't met yet. I don't see why this is a sticking point. Your FI's brother is now married to this woman. He is a step-father to her children. You absolutely cannot invite just his children and not hers! I'm honestly shocked that someone would even think this is OK.
Invite the kids. Are you serious?! It's THREE KIDS. Be the bigger person. Jesus. Whether you think you should have known about their wedding or been invited is irrelevant. You should not split families, which is what you're trying to do.
There is no appropriate way to write this on an envelope because it's not appropriate. You may as well write "John and Jane Smith and ONLY JOHN'S CHILDREN - we don't know those other kids so DON'T BRING THEM" I mean seriously, that's what you're basically asking to do. And there is NO way to do it without being an asshole.
And what a "welcome" to these new family members.. Get a hold of yourself, OP!
To be honest, it seems to me that you just don't approve of these people or how they live, and you are looking for permission to be rude or spiteful to them as a result. That your FBIL got married in secret and that his wife may have been pregnant at the wedding has NOTHING to do with your wedding, and I don't understand why you even felt the need to bring any of that up. I suggest you quit being so judgmental and invite these kids. Maybe it'll be a good opportunity for others in the family to get to know them, since you seem so hung up on that.
The rules of inviting everyone's SO and not splitting up families applies at the time invitations are SENT, not some arbitrary date where you've decided your guest list is finalized and that is that. You should be prepared for any of your guests to enter into a new relationship between now and when your invitations go out.
Either you invited these 3 children, just like the rest of your nieces and nephews, or no kids. Does your venue not offer a different price for children's meals? None of them will be consuming alcohol. Adding in 3 minors really shouldn't break the bank here- you and your FH can cover the cost if your parents cannot.
When it comes time to send your invitations, I (or your FH, I should say) would call up BIL and honestly ask him what his relationship status is, "Hey BIL, we're addressing invitations and I want to make sure I have all our guests' names. I heard you're in a new relationship- is that true?". Go from there. Honestly, this is your FH's brother and in your WP- he's close enough he can be asked point blank, "did you get married? Does she have children?".