I'm Trying My Best from Over 10,000 Miles Away

LondonLisa · September 2017

This is literally the first result in googling it:

"...marriages which are legally performed and valid abroad are also legally valid in the United States. You do not have to report your marriage to the U.S. Embassy/Consulate. "

https://jp.usembassy.gov/u-s-citizen-services/local-resources-of-u-s-citizens/marriage/

ahoywedding · September 2017

GBCK said:

" I am almost 100% sure my marriage is legal in the US, but I did already talk to an officiant 2 months ago and he said it might not be, so I'm going with legal for now till proven not so. "

So...you bypassed the lawyer and asked a pastor, but still didn't ask a lawyer?

Putting in the absolute least amount of effort so she can say "but guys, I TRIED! I just HAD to have another ceremony to make sure it was legal!"

CMGragain · September 2017

I remember this Knottie. She was legally married in Japan without any ceremony. That is how they do it there. Once you sign the papers at the courthouse, you are married. Yes, Japanese marriages are recognized in the USA.

Problem: You are stressing about planning a party that you cannot afford by yourself. Planning from halfway around the world is difficult, and the people who have offered to pay for the party will not give you a budget.

Solution: Cancel the party. You don't need it. You are married. Congratulations.

Second solution: Plan a party that you can afford and pay for it yourself.

mrsjapan · September 2017

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020756/uploads/editor/5y/aw847g6gvvsz.jpg

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020756/uploads/editor/mm/5s9ncvq1mr69.jpg

mrsjapan · September 2017

Ok, so update. I had a chance to talk with both of my parents this weekend (my dad was home for the holiday). We were able to talk about everything and now I'm feeling much less stressed and we figured out a way to make the party much cheaper and less of a hassle for everyone, so things are ok for now. My friend agreed to run the ceremony, we will not have a videographer, and my sister found a DJ who will do it for free it seems. Everything is coming together and I appreciate all your advice, thank you all

LondonLisa · September 2017

eegonosenseidesu said:
Ok, so update. I had a chance to talk with both of my parents this weekend (my dad was home for the holiday). We were able to talk about everything and now I'm feeling much less stressed and we figured out a way to make the party much cheaper and less of a hassle for everyone, so things are ok for now. My friend agreed to run the ceremony, we will not have a videographer, and my sister found a DJ who will do it for free it seems. Everything is coming together and I appreciate all your advice, thank you all

I don't think you are grasping this- a ceremony is inappropriate. Also, your STD heavily implies this is a wedding. Nowhere on it does it say 'celebration of marriage' or 'vow renewal'. It's lying to your guests. Don't assume they all 'know'. If I recieved this, I 100% would think this was a wedding, because I wouldn't think friends would be this vain to do a play pretend ceremony.

Please, please, please don't lie to your guests. Or lie by omission. You need to clearly tell them now that you are already married. The truth always comes out. It's relationship-ending

Things you need to cancel:
-attendants
-ceremony
-gift list
-anything bridal: Veils, first dances, etc
-shower
-bachelorette/ hen do

Things you absolutely must do:
-send marriage announcements. CMG can help you with the wording but something like:
Jane Smith
and
John Jones
announce their marriage
June 1, 2016
Osaka, Japan

ideally marriage announcements are done right after your wedding but the bigger issue is letting everyone know you are married.

Lying by omission is still lying.

mrsjapan · September 2017

LondonLisa said:

eegonosenseidesu said:
Ok, so update. I had a chance to talk with both of my parents this weekend (my dad was home for the holiday). We were able to talk about everything and now I'm feeling much less stressed and we figured out a way to make the party much cheaper and less of a hassle for everyone, so things are ok for now. My friend agreed to run the ceremony, we will not have a videographer, and my sister found a DJ who will do it for free it seems. Everything is coming together and I appreciate all your advice, thank you all
I don't think you are grasping this- a ceremony is inappropriate. Also, your STD heavily implies this is a wedding. Nowhere on it does it say 'celebration of marriage' or 'vow renewal'. It's lying to your guests. Don't assume they all 'know'. If I recieved this, I 100% would think this was a wedding, because I wouldn't think friends would be this vain to do a play pretend ceremony.

Please, please, please don't lie to your guests. Or lie by omission. You need to clearly tell them now that you are already married. The truth always comes out. It's relationship-ending

Things you need to cancel:
-attendants
-ceremony
-gift list
-anything bridal: Veils, first dances, etc
-shower
-bachelorette/ hen do

Things you absolutely must do:
-send marriage announcements. CMG can help you with the wording but something like:
Jane Smith
and
John Jones
announce their marriage
June 1, 2016
Osaka, Japan

ideally marriage announcements are done right after your wedding but the bigger issue is letting everyone know you are married.

Lying by omission is still lying.

I'm not lying/going to lie to my guests, I have told my family and I plan to make the wording very clear for the invites. I can certainly look into doing marriage announcements, I hadn't considered doing so. That would be something to discuss with my mom, as she has requested that any mail I want to send should be sent from her address to save on postage. I was never going to do any gifts or veils or parties or any other thing like that, I didn't view it to be appropriate to do as such. Anything included in the celebration are at the request of my parents or in-laws (and even my grandmother, as she has voiced her opinion through my mother). I know when I first posted on the etiquette board, I was ill-informed and very confused why people were so angry, so as I learned from all of you and did research, I've been more forward about everything and am now just planning a celebration, nothing crazy, and I've cut the bridal stuff. So yep. (I'm so bad at finishing posts, I rarely go on forums)

ahoywedding · September 2017

eegonosenseidesu said:

LondonLisa said:

eegonosenseidesu said:
Ok, so update. I had a chance to talk with both of my parents this weekend (my dad was home for the holiday). We were able to talk about everything and now I'm feeling much less stressed and we figured out a way to make the party much cheaper and less of a hassle for everyone, so things are ok for now. My friend agreed to run the ceremony, we will not have a videographer, and my sister found a DJ who will do it for free it seems. Everything is coming together and I appreciate all your advice, thank you all
I don't think you are grasping this- a ceremony is inappropriate. Also, your STD heavily implies this is a wedding. Nowhere on it does it say 'celebration of marriage' or 'vow renewal'. It's lying to your guests. Don't assume they all 'know'. If I recieved this, I 100% would think this was a wedding, because I wouldn't think friends would be this vain to do a play pretend ceremony.

Please, please, please don't lie to your guests. Or lie by omission. You need to clearly tell them now that you are already married. The truth always comes out. It's relationship-ending

Things you need to cancel:
-attendants
-ceremony
-gift list
-anything bridal: Veils, first dances, etc
-shower
-bachelorette/ hen do

Things you absolutely must do:
-send marriage announcements. CMG can help you with the wording but something like:
Jane Smith
and
John Jones
announce their marriage
June 1, 2016
Osaka, Japan

ideally marriage announcements are done right after your wedding but the bigger issue is letting everyone know you are married.

Lying by omission is still lying.

I'm not lying/going to lie to my guests, I have told my family and I plan to make the wording very clear for the invites. I can certainly look into doing marriage announcements, I hadn't considered doing so. That would be something to discuss with my mom, as she has requested that any mail I want to send should be sent from her address to save on postage. I was never going to do any gifts or veils or parties or any other thing like that, I didn't view it to be appropriate to do as such. Anything included in the celebration are at the request of my parents or in-laws (and even my grandmother, as she has voiced her opinion through my mother). I know when I first posted on the etiquette board, I was ill-informed and very confused why people were so angry, so as I learned from all of you and did research, I've been more forward about everything and am now just planning a celebration, nothing crazy, and I've cut the bridal stuff. So yep. (I'm so bad at finishing posts, I rarely go on forums)

Okay but:

Ok, so update. I had a chance to talk with both of my parents this weekend (my dad was home for the holiday). We were able to talk about everything and now I'm feeling much less stressed and we figured out a way to make the party much cheaper and less of a hassle for everyone, so things are ok for now. My friend agreed to run the ceremony, we will not have a videographer, and my sister found a DJ who will do it for free it seems. Everything is coming together and I appreciate all your advice, thank you all

Having a ceremony is "bridal stuff." A ceremony isn't necessary to have at a party. Are you still having attendants? That's pretty bridal. Even if your parents are requesting it, this is when you say "no mom, it's silly to have a ceremony since we're already married." Some people do vow renewals at this type of celebration, but that seems redundant unless the legal ceremony was a year or so prior.

charlotte989875 · September 2017

eegonosenseidesu said:

LondonLisa said:

eegonosenseidesu said:
Ok, so update. I had a chance to talk with both of my parents this weekend (my dad was home for the holiday). We were able to talk about everything and now I'm feeling much less stressed and we figured out a way to make the party much cheaper and less of a hassle for everyone, so things are ok for now. My friend agreed to run the ceremony, we will not have a videographer, and my sister found a DJ who will do it for free it seems. Everything is coming together and I appreciate all your advice, thank you all
I don't think you are grasping this- a ceremony is inappropriate. Also, your STD heavily implies this is a wedding. Nowhere on it does it say 'celebration of marriage' or 'vow renewal'. It's lying to your guests. Don't assume they all 'know'. If I recieved this, I 100% would think this was a wedding, because I wouldn't think friends would be this vain to do a play pretend ceremony.

Please, please, please don't lie to your guests. Or lie by omission. You need to clearly tell them now that you are already married. The truth always comes out. It's relationship-ending

Things you need to cancel:
-attendants
-ceremony
-gift list
-anything bridal: Veils, first dances, etc
-shower
-bachelorette/ hen do

Things you absolutely must do:
-send marriage announcements. CMG can help you with the wording but something like:
Jane Smith
and
John Jones
announce their marriage
June 1, 2016
Osaka, Japan

ideally marriage announcements are done right after your wedding but the bigger issue is letting everyone know you are married.

Lying by omission is still lying.

I'm not lying/going to lie to my guests, I have told my family and I plan to make the wording very clear for the invites. I can certainly look into doing marriage announcements, I hadn't considered doing so. That would be something to discuss with my mom, as she has requested that any mail I want to send should be sent from her address to save on postage. I was never going to do any gifts or veils or parties or any other thing like that, I didn't view it to be appropriate to do as such. Anything included in the celebration are at the request of my parents or in-laws (and even my grandmother, as she has voiced her opinion through my mother). I know when I first posted on the etiquette board, I was ill-informed and very confused why people were so angry, so as I learned from all of you and did research, I've been more forward about everything and am now just planning a celebration, nothing crazy, and I've cut the bridal stuff. So yep. (I'm so bad at finishing posts, I rarely go on forums)

I guess what most people are trying to say here is that you don't need to include things just because other people, even people you are extremely close with and respect, if you are paying for things yourself, or if you really don't want to. Yes, money comes with strings but you can't be forced to do things (especially things that are big etiquette issues and affect your guests) if you don't want to.

Look, you're a married adult. You can choose what you participate in. If you want to do a big celebration with attendants, a vow renewal, whatever other elements you're included, even if it might upset/offend some friends/family that's fine, that is your choice. Just own your decision rather than putting it on someone else.

ETA: I get you've tried to learn and research about etiquette and I think that's great; most of the strong reaction here comes from people who have been lied to (or information was deliberately withheld) and they very real feelings they have about how that went down. It's just about rules for rules sake, but because breaking these "rules" has consequences for people's feelings and relationships.

mrsjapan · September 2017

Yeah, I understand completely. There haven't really been any wedding related faux pas in my family, but the women on my mom's side sure do gossip and trash hard when someone does do something that goes outside the norm or behind people's backs, so I never want to encounter that. I definitely am standing my ground for a lot of this, even though my parents are actually paying for nearly everything (the only thing that my mom has asked me to pay for is the invitations, as she did with hers). She's very stubborn when it comes to what she thinks is important and will not budge. For example, I wanted to write on the invitations "no gifts please" and she was like, "Absolutely NOT, that looks tacky." So we opted that if anyone asks why there's no registry, she's gonna discreetly tell them not to get us anything. Also, as a note, I got married this past February (2017) and we're holding the celebration in May 2018, which is just over a year so I hope it's a reasonable time frame for vow renewals? I have no concrete answer on that, I've seen a range of answers

LondonLisa · September 2017

eegonosenseidesu said:

Yeah, I understand completely. There haven't really been any wedding related faux pas in my family, but the women on my mom's side sure do gossip and trash hard when someone does do something that goes outside the norm or behind people's backs, so I never want to encounter that. I definitely am standing my ground for a lot of this, even though my parents are actually paying for nearly everything (the only thing that my mom has asked me to pay for is the invitations, as she did with hers). She's very stubborn when it comes to what she thinks is important and will not budge. For example, I wanted to write on the invitations "no gifts please" and she was like, "Absolutely NOT, that looks tacky." So we opted that if anyone asks why there's no registry, she's gonna discreetly tell them not to get us anything. Also, as a note, I got married this past February (2017) and we're holding the celebration in May 2018, which is just over a year so I hope it's a reasonable time frame for vow renewals? I have no concrete answer on that, I've seen a range of answers

You just seem really eager to please your mum and not that eager to support your H in his time of need. Just because he says 'do what makes you happy' doesn't mean you should. I get it, I know family guilt. And I know the feeling of 'I can do both'. But there is going to come a point where you need to set boundaries with your mother. If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to tell your mother 'no'. So you need to stop blaming her for this event.

And for the vow renewal, I think you are fundamentally misunderstanding it: there are no bridal attendants, officiants etc during a vow renewal. Usually they take place after 10+ years or a major life event (like cancer). It's not a wedding ceremony. There are no bridal gowns, bridesmaids etc.

If you want to get a great dress, do it- but a vow renewal is usually the couple standing up and giving 2-3 minute toasts to each other. There is no aisle, MoH, etc etc.

STARMOON44 · September 2017

She's right, "no gifts" is inappropriate

MobKaz · September 2017

I am going to suggest that in lieu of a faux marriage ceremony, you consider a "cut the apron strings" ceremony.

ahoywedding · September 2017

eegonosenseidesu said:

Yeah, I understand completely. There haven't really been any wedding related faux pas in my family, but the women on my mom's side sure do gossip and trash hard when someone does do something that goes outside the norm or behind people's backs, so I never want to encounter that. I definitely am standing my ground for a lot of this, even though my parents are actually paying for nearly everything (the only thing that my mom has asked me to pay for is the invitations, as she did with hers). She's very stubborn when it comes to what she thinks is important and will not budge. For example, I wanted to write on the invitations "no gifts please" and she was like, "Absolutely NOT, that looks tacky." So we opted that if anyone asks why there's no registry, she's gonna discreetly tell them not to get us anything. Also, as a note, I got married this past February (2017) and we're holding the celebration in May 2018, which is just over a year so I hope it's a reasonable time frame for vow renewals? I have no concrete answer on that, I've seen a range of answers

I mean yeah, a vow renewal can kind of happen whenever but it's usually after a milestone anniversary or something catastrophic or the couple almost splitting or something. They're also not a replica of an actual wedding. It's literally the couple's way of saying "we went through hell together, and I still love you and am still committed to you." I would kind of side-eye what you're planning if I was a guest because it sounds like a wedding redo.

How does your husband HONESTLY feel about all of this? Have you asked him? It sounds like he's going through a lot, and you're rolling forward with this big celebration. Does he even want it? At this point, it may be better to plan a casual "hey family, meet my husband!" party that the two of you can afford and leave your mom out of all the planning.

Your mom is correct about writing "no gifts" on an invitation, especially for this type of party. Saying no gifts means you assume people WOULD be bringing gifts, and gifts should never be assumed. Having no registry would clue most people in, although you might still get something small or a check.

OliveOilsMom · September 2017

Well if your mom's side gossips and trashes hard - then buckle up butter cup! You are literally planning something that will have you talked about for ages!

Vow Renewals are not 1 year later. At minimum, they should be around 10 years - unless you went through a very troubled time in your marriage. I personally don't think they should occur until 20 or later.

southernbelle0915 · September 2017

OliveOilsMom said:

Well if your mom's side gossips and trashes hard - then buckle up butter cup! You are literally planning something that will have you talked about for ages!
Vow Renewals are not 1 year later. At minimum, they should be around 10 years - unless you went through a very troubled time in your marriage. I personally don't think they should occur until 20 or later.

Yup.

I get so tired of people using "vow renewal" to basically be like "well I didn't get the wedding I (or my family) wanted, so I'm going to dress up like a bride/groom and call this thing a vow renewal, which gives me carte blanche to have a re-do." NO.

Vow renewals are for tenured, milestone anniversaries (like 20, 50, 70 years) and in response to life altering events (like survival of cancer or a near-death accident).

Your event is not a vow renewal. You are having a fake wedding ceremony, performed like a wedding ceremony, with all the trappings of a wedding, including save the dates that make it seem like it's a wedding, wifesmaids, etc.

And can we cut the bullshit here? You're a grown ass woman with choices and you're choosing to do these things. Own it. Stop blaming your mom. Stop blaming your grandma. Stop blaming your in-laws. Stop blaming your husband for saying "whatever makes you happy." YOU are doing this. YOU are the problem. YOU need to own it.

charlotte989875 · September 2017

So I think the timing of vow renewals is a bit of a mixed bag. If it's a year later, yeah I'm probably wondering what has happened to make you renew your vows so soon after being married. But 5/10 years, I'm fine with. Friends of mine renewed after 5; they'd had a small, courthouse wedding before she went to basic, she had multiple deployments, they moved all over the country, and they were starting a new chapter in their life. I was more than happy to watch them renew their vows after all of that. So I don't know, maybe I'm vow renewal-lite; like as long as it's not a Seal-Heidi Klum situation I'm fine with it.

Remember, this about how this affects your guests; were they invited to the Japanese ceremony? Do they know this is a vow renewal? Are you being upfront with them?

I guess im just curious as to why you want to do all this?

ahoywedding · September 2017

charlotte989875 said:

So I think the timing of vow renewals is a bit of a mixed bag. If it's a year later, yeah I'm probably wondering what has happened to make you renew your vows so soon after being married. But 5/10 years, I'm fine with. Friends of mine renewed after 5; they'd had a small, courthouse wedding before she went to basic, she had multiple deployments, they moved all over the country, and they were starting a new chapter in their life. I was more than happy to watch them renew their vows after all of that. So I don't know, maybe I'm vow renewal-lite; like as long as it's not a Seal-Heidi Klum situation I'm fine with it.

Remember, this about how this affects your guests; were they invited to the Japanese ceremony? Do they know this is a vow renewal? Are you being upfront with them?

I guess im just curious as to why you want to do all this?

I almost gave the Seal/Heidi Klum example as inappropriate vow renewals, but then I wasn't sure how many other celebrity gossipers were on this board!

VarunaTT · September 2017

I did a vow renewal for various reasons, but mainly b/c we eloped b/c of family drama and money and did a big deal "party and the dress" 5 years later.

I get all the angst about them; I also kind of think if the couple has the money and doesn't lie to their guests, who cares? Marriage is hard and I think celebrating the success or having the special uniqueness that comes with the recognition of a vow renewal. Just decline the invitation and go on about your merry way.

I did kind of side eye that one basketball couple that did it every year, though.

LondonLisa · September 2017

ahoywedding said:

charlotte989875 said:

So I think the timing of vow renewals is a bit of a mixed bag. If it's a year later, yeah I'm probably wondering what has happened to make you renew your vows so soon after being married. But 5/10 years, I'm fine with. Friends of mine renewed after 5; they'd had a small, courthouse wedding before she went to basic, she had multiple deployments, they moved all over the country, and they were starting a new chapter in their life. I was more than happy to watch them renew their vows after all of that. So I don't know, maybe I'm vow renewal-lite; like as long as it's not a Seal-Heidi Klum situation I'm fine with it.

Remember, this about how this affects your guests; were they invited to the Japanese ceremony? Do they know this is a vow renewal? Are you being upfront with them?

I guess im just curious as to why you want to do all this?

I almost gave the Seal/Heidi Klum example as inappropriate vow renewals, but then I wasn't sure how many other celebrity gossipers were on this board!

Yeah, and they are divorced now! Vow renewals outside of major milestones (25,30,40 years etc) always seem a bit 'the lady doth protest too much' in your commitment to this marriage. In most celebrity cases they are the kiss of death for a marriage. It highlights when people care too much about the 'wedding' and not about the marriage. I had a great wedding. But if I had to go back I would be 100% fine with marrying my H wearing a paper sack in the registry office (because it would be a hilarious story behind that). Sure, I might throw a 'we got married' party later- but it would be just that: a PARTY! No redo vows, bridal gowns, attendants etc. Just a fun dinner/ dance with friends.

Wedding vows aren't drivers licenses. You don't need to renew them constantly.

banana468 · September 2017

DH and I just hit 10 years. As much as it would have been fun to do something bigger than going out to dinner, renewing vows felt silly. It's not like they expired.

southernbelle0915 · September 2017

LondonLisa said:

ahoywedding said:

charlotte989875 said:

So I think the timing of vow renewals is a bit of a mixed bag. If it's a year later, yeah I'm probably wondering what has happened to make you renew your vows so soon after being married. But 5/10 years, I'm fine with. Friends of mine renewed after 5; they'd had a small, courthouse wedding before she went to basic, she had multiple deployments, they moved all over the country, and they were starting a new chapter in their life. I was more than happy to watch them renew their vows after all of that. So I don't know, maybe I'm vow renewal-lite; like as long as it's not a Seal-Heidi Klum situation I'm fine with it.

Remember, this about how this affects your guests; were they invited to the Japanese ceremony? Do they know this is a vow renewal? Are you being upfront with them?

I guess im just curious as to why you want to do all this?

I almost gave the Seal/Heidi Klum example as inappropriate vow renewals, but then I wasn't sure how many other celebrity gossipers were on this board!

Yeah, and they are divorced now! Vow renewals outside of major milestones (25,30,40 years etc) always seem a bit 'the lady doth protest too much' in your commitment to this marriage. In most celebrity cases they are the kiss of death for a marriage. It highlights when people care too much about the 'wedding' and not about the marriage. I had a great wedding. But if I had to go back I would be 100% fine with marrying my H wearing a paper sack in the registry office (because it would be a hilarious story behind that). Sure, I might throw a 'we got married' party later- but it would be just that: a PARTY! No redo vows, bridal gowns, attendants etc. Just a fun dinner/ dance with friends.

Wedding vows aren't drivers licenses. You don't need to renew them constantly.

This hits the nail on the head. There are WAY too many instances where the term "vow renewal" is used because someone wants to don a pretty dress and throw a big party - not because they truly feel compelled to renew their vows.

If the reason for the "vow renewal" is less about the vows and more because you didn't get the wedding you wanted/thought you deserved and/or you want your moment in the spotlight? AWish and inappropriate IMO.

VarunaTT · September 2017

LondonLisa said:

ahoywedding said:

charlotte989875 said:

So I think the timing of vow renewals is a bit of a mixed bag. If it's a year later, yeah I'm probably wondering what has happened to make you renew your vows so soon after being married. But 5/10 years, I'm fine with. Friends of mine renewed after 5; they'd had a small, courthouse wedding before she went to basic, she had multiple deployments, they moved all over the country, and they were starting a new chapter in their life. I was more than happy to watch them renew their vows after all of that. So I don't know, maybe I'm vow renewal-lite; like as long as it's not a Seal-Heidi Klum situation I'm fine with it.

Remember, this about how this affects your guests; were they invited to the Japanese ceremony? Do they know this is a vow renewal? Are you being upfront with them?

I guess im just curious as to why you want to do all this?

I almost gave the Seal/Heidi Klum example as inappropriate vow renewals, but then I wasn't sure how many other celebrity gossipers were on this board!

Yeah, and they are divorced now! Vow renewals outside of major milestones (25,30,40 years etc) always seem a bit 'the lady doth protest too much' in your commitment to this marriage. In most celebrity cases they are the kiss of death for a marriage. It highlights when people care too much about the 'wedding' and not about the marriage. I had a great wedding. But if I had to go back I would be 100% fine with marrying my H wearing a paper sack in the registry office (because it would be a hilarious story behind that). Sure, I might throw a 'we got married' party later- but it would be just that: a PARTY! No redo vows, bridal gowns, attendants etc. Just a fun dinner/ dance with friends.

Wedding vows aren't drivers licenses. You don't need to renew them constantly.

That's a pretty shitty opinion to be holding, TBH. Vow renewals, big weddings, courthouse weddings...none of that has anything to do with likelihood of divorce.

ahoywedding · September 2017

VarunaTT said:

LondonLisa said:

ahoywedding said:

charlotte989875 said:

So I think the timing of vow renewals is a bit of a mixed bag. If it's a year later, yeah I'm probably wondering what has happened to make you renew your vows so soon after being married. But 5/10 years, I'm fine with. Friends of mine renewed after 5; they'd had a small, courthouse wedding before she went to basic, she had multiple deployments, they moved all over the country, and they were starting a new chapter in their life. I was more than happy to watch them renew their vows after all of that. So I don't know, maybe I'm vow renewal-lite; like as long as it's not a Seal-Heidi Klum situation I'm fine with it.

Remember, this about how this affects your guests; were they invited to the Japanese ceremony? Do they know this is a vow renewal? Are you being upfront with them?

I guess im just curious as to why you want to do all this?

I almost gave the Seal/Heidi Klum example as inappropriate vow renewals, but then I wasn't sure how many other celebrity gossipers were on this board!

Yeah, and they are divorced now! Vow renewals outside of major milestones (25,30,40 years etc) always seem a bit 'the lady doth protest too much' in your commitment to this marriage. In most celebrity cases they are the kiss of death for a marriage. It highlights when people care too much about the 'wedding' and not about the marriage. I had a great wedding. But if I had to go back I would be 100% fine with marrying my H wearing a paper sack in the registry office (because it would be a hilarious story behind that). Sure, I might throw a 'we got married' party later- but it would be just that: a PARTY! No redo vows, bridal gowns, attendants etc. Just a fun dinner/ dance with friends.

Wedding vows aren't drivers licenses. You don't need to renew them constantly.

That's a pretty shitty opinion to be holding, TBH. Vow renewals, big weddings, courthouse weddings...none of that has anything to do with likelihood of divorce.

But usually when celebrities do it, it's BECAUSE they know things are falling apart. It's like as soon as a celebrity starts to gush about their partner or something...you know the crap's about to hit the fan. (TBH though, I feel the same way about people in real life doing that, it usually doesn't end well)

short+sassy · September 2017

A lot of opinions here about vow renewals. Something to keep in mind, OP. A lot of your guests will probably run a similar opinion range.

As for me, as long as I'm not lied to about what is going on, it's fine if the couple wants a ceremony at some random time frame. I'm not personally offended by it; however, I will inwardly think it is weird and pointless. Or, "What? Have they already forgotten their vows from a year ago? lol." Maybe this is splitting hairs, but I could better see short statement to the guests about your marriage/love for each other. And a short statement to each other in the same vein.

I'm also puzzled with having an officiant. Why even bother? There is nothing they are officiating. That's what puts it over the top for me as being such a fake ceremony, just to (I guess) appease your mother and sister so they can "see" you all exchange vows. But you all can do that without an officiant. Like the suggestion I made in my previous paragraph.

Let me give you an example. My grandparents had a vow renewal for their 50-year anniversary. There was no officiant. Why would there be, as they've already been married for three generations. They gazed in each other's eyes while holding hands and said their own personalized vows to each other. Now THAT is a meaningful vow renewal!

LondonLisa · September 2017

VarunaTT said:

LondonLisa said:

ahoywedding said:

charlotte989875 said:

So I think the timing of vow renewals is a bit of a mixed bag. If it's a year later, yeah I'm probably wondering what has happened to make you renew your vows so soon after being married. But 5/10 years, I'm fine with. Friends of mine renewed after 5; they'd had a small, courthouse wedding before she went to basic, she had multiple deployments, they moved all over the country, and they were starting a new chapter in their life. I was more than happy to watch them renew their vows after all of that. So I don't know, maybe I'm vow renewal-lite; like as long as it's not a Seal-Heidi Klum situation I'm fine with it.

Remember, this about how this affects your guests; were they invited to the Japanese ceremony? Do they know this is a vow renewal? Are you being upfront with them?

I guess im just curious as to why you want to do all this?

I almost gave the Seal/Heidi Klum example as inappropriate vow renewals, but then I wasn't sure how many other celebrity gossipers were on this board!

Yeah, and they are divorced now! Vow renewals outside of major milestones (25,30,40 years etc) always seem a bit 'the lady doth protest too much' in your commitment to this marriage. In most celebrity cases they are the kiss of death for a marriage. It highlights when people care too much about the 'wedding' and not about the marriage. I had a great wedding. But if I had to go back I would be 100% fine with marrying my H wearing a paper sack in the registry office (because it would be a hilarious story behind that). Sure, I might throw a 'we got married' party later- but it would be just that: a PARTY! No redo vows, bridal gowns, attendants etc. Just a fun dinner/ dance with friends.

Wedding vows aren't drivers licenses. You don't need to renew them constantly.

That's a pretty shitty opinion to be holding, TBH. Vow renewals, big weddings, courthouse weddings...none of that has anything to do with likelihood of divorce.

What, that people that habitually need to affirm their marriage vows with a full on PPD in public outside of a major milestone or traumatic life event have either a.) something to prove or b.) desperately need attention or c.) combination of both? I don't think that's a ridiculous opinion at all. Again, talking about Heidi Kulm/ Seal who did it every year.

Honestly, if I was invited to a full on wedding-redo vow renewal under 20 years and I knew there wasn't a major disease or trauma, I would privately think someone cheated or their marriage was on the rocks and they reached a breakthrough.

ETA: I agree if you're honest and it's not a wedding redo, do what makes the couple happy. But you have to know many ppl think it's AWish. But I think everyone agrees: bridal gowns, attendants officiants etc are inappropriate for a VR.

MyNameIsNot · September 2017

One of my AWish friends asked me to officiate her 5 year vow renewal, but it never happened because they got divorced instead.

Sure, not all couples who renew their vows for AWish reasons are going to get divorced, but it's about putting more emphasis on the wedding than the marriage, and chasing perfection instead of real life.

mrsconn23 · September 2017

short+sassy said:
Let me give you an example. My grandparents had a vow renewal for their 50-year anniversary. There was no officiant. Why would there be, as they've already been married for three generations. They gazed in each other's eyes while holding hands and said their own personalized vows to each other. Now THAT is a meaningful vow renewal!

My grandparents also renewed their vows for their 50th. We went to a church service (normal Saturday mass) and then had a party in the hall next to the church. The priest did call them up to bless their marriage in front of the congregation, but my grandparents didn't exchange words or anything.

mrsjapan · September 2017

Yeah, I'm still hearing varied opinions about vow renewals, but that's ok, I'll answer some of the questions I saw. As for my husband, we've sat and discussed what it is that we want and we both really want to hold this celebration because it gives us a chance to be with family that we haven't seen in a year or more. It is all the more important because as we have been living here we've each lost a grandparent, leaving me with my mom's parents and just one grandma for him. We both feel that we should enjoy an opportunity to see our relatives before any more disappear. As for our marriage in Japan, no one was there, no one was invited. We had discussed having a ceremony in Japan before we got married but my mother told me no one could attend if we did that, so we opted to just do the legal part. I took the documents to my 2 friends in Tokyo to sign as witnesses, mailed them to my husband to check with city hall, then in February I visited for the weekend to make it legal. Which brings me to vows. No vows were exchanged and that's something we both really want to do. He is a romantic and loves writing me beautiful letters for special occasions so he actually requested that we write our own vows for this, hence the ceremony bit. We wouldn't be repeating any vows because none were made in the first place. The officiant is a close friend that we want to help us, I'm personally nervous about being the center of attention so I felt that having a guide to tell me when to say things would help. My guests are aware of what we're doing and they're excited to have us back in the states and to be sharing this with them. My late grandparents made it to their 50th anniversary and they had a nice party, but it was about 15 years ago so I honestly don't remember what they did. My other grandparents had their 50th this past year, so I don't know what they did for it...

LondonLisa · September 2017

eegonosenseidesu said:

Yeah, I'm still hearing varied opinions about vow renewals, but that's ok, I'll answer some of the questions I saw. As for my husband, we've sat and discussed what it is that we want and we both really want to hold this celebration because it gives us a chance to be with family that we haven't seen in a year or more. It is all the more important because as we have been living here we've each lost a grandparent, leaving me with my mom's parents and just one grandma for him. We both feel that we should enjoy an opportunity to see our relatives before any more disappear. As for our marriage in Japan, no one was there, no one was invited. We had discussed having a ceremony in Japan before we got married but my mother told me no one could attend if we did that, so we opted to just do the legal part. I took the documents to my 2 friends in Tokyo to sign as witnesses, mailed them to my husband to check with city hall, then in February I visited for the weekend to make it legal. Which brings me to vows. No vows were exchanged and that's something we both really want to do. He is a romantic and loves writing me beautiful letters for special occasions so he actually requested that we write our own vows for this, hence the ceremony bit. We wouldn't be repeating any vows because none were made in the first place. The officiant is a close friend that we want to help us, I'm personally nervous about being the center of attention so I felt that having a guide to tell me when to say things would help. My guests are aware of what we're doing and they're excited to have us back in the states and to be sharing this with them. My late grandparents made it to their 50th anniversary and they had a nice party, but it was about 15 years ago so I honestly don't remember what they did. My other grandparents had their 50th this past year, so I don't know what they did for it...

Honest question: why are you here? You want this party. Own it.

You can't complain about it in one breath and then say why this completely unnecessary part is SO important in the next.

Stop blaming this on your mother and grandparents. You want a PPD. You want to feel like a bride even though you are a married woman. In a dream world, you would like to pretend that your Japanese wedding wasn't your wedding and you could magic it away but still take all the benefits. Just. Own. It! And also own the consequences and shame when your friends and family side-eyes the shit out of it and gossips about it because its super AW-ish and immature.

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