Bonus: Cheated on pregnant lady
Hi. This is a heavy question, but it’s one in which I’m sorely in need of advice. I’m 33 and my husband, whom I’ve been with for several years but have only been married to for 1.5 years, has been having an affair. I discovered this a few weeks ago after stumbling upon selfies of a woman in his email. The other woman is from his past, someone he never officially dated and merely shared a kiss with shortly before meeting me. She moved out of state and told him they wouldn’t be able to have a relationship. I asked him not to speak with her anymore once he and I were committed because I knew he still had feelings for her. He obliged, or at least, I thought. I’ve discovered that he created a secret email address to strictly communicate with her over the last five years and over the last six months this relationship has become a full-fledged affair—sans the sex. It was a long distance, emotional relationship. Did I mention that I’m just short of seven months pregnant with our first child?
Needless to say, I’m devastated. We’ve had our share of problems, some I know were inflicted by me. However, I don’t consider myself deserving of being cheated on because of past problems. As a feminist, my brain tells me to divorce him and accept that he has a moral character flaw—one I don’t want to associate with. However, we are a few months shy of welcoming our baby into the world and I’m in no financial/physical position to pack up and leave. In fact, I don’t think I can afford to get a divorce or live separately from him anytime soon.
My friends provide conflicting advice “get a divorce, duh!” and “You should forgive for the sake of baby, duh!” I do still love him and parting ways would be extremely painful. However, I’m having a VERY hard time believing that we can survive this even as he pleads for forgiveness. I don’t think I can trust him again no matter the strides he claims he will take to make amends. Not only is the trust gone, but I’m pretty damn angry to have been taken advantage of like this.
I know we will have to co-parent, regardless of the outcome, so we are both seeking counseling in order to work through issues to be better parents. I just don’t know what is right, or at least, what other people would do in a situation like this.
What would you do if you were me?
Sincerely,
Sorry, but I don’t have a funny name for this very long question
Re: Bonus: Cheated on pregnant lady
I'd probably take a wait and see approach. He'd need to WANT to be with me for starters. And he'd need to be repentant enough to want to cut off all contact with that person so that I wouldn't need to ask...again.
At 7 mos pregnant, the priority would need to be the baby at the moment. I'd probably assess things post birth and post partum when I had my wits about me to see what felt best.
If I never thought I could trust him again then that would tell me it would be time to find a lawyer so we could co-parent together.
That's all kinds of wrong, but I want to know what his reaction was; did he apologize, was he sincere, did he defend it? I think his reaction to her confronting him would be a big factor for me.
Also it doesn't really matter what other people would do, she has to figure out how she feels and what she wants. No one reacts the same to these things.
Does that give him cart blanche to cheat, of course not. But counseling isn't going to get her anywhere until she can look within herself and discover why she settled for him in the first place.
I also ditto banana.
But this woman married a dude who was honest about having feelings for someone else. She's naive for thinking her words "you can't talk to her anymore" were going to suddenly stop this.
I mean, if it were me and I had the support of family and friends (which it sounds like she does), I would gather all the info I could from his secret email and file for divorce including alimony. If they've only been married for 1.5 years, their marital assets may not have amounted to much and it may be less complicated than she thinks. And depending on her state, evidence of the affair may entitle her to more than she thinks. She may find that a women's advocate law firm would take the case pro bono or at a discount. It's always worth asking to know what your options are.
I don't know how she could ever trust him again.
ETA: I agree she should assess post-partum. If I were her, I would make her H move out until after the baby arrives.
ETA 2: I don't know if I agree with PP about him having feelings that she should have not gotten married. He is an adult. He knows what marriage means and what the commitment it is. I think there are variations on 'feelings' for someone. I don't know if he said he was in love with someone else or confessed that he had a little crush on someone (especially someone who lives far away) isn't a free out to cheat on them later. She wanted to marry him. He chose to marry her. He is 100% to blame.
It seems like a lot of people (in general), take the stance of an affair being a dealbreaker. But, while I hope to never be tested on it!, I don't feel that way. It's just not as "cut and dry" like that, for me. So it would never necessarily be advice I would give someone.
For the time being, I don't think she should make any decisions about divorce one way or the other. Get through the pregnancy. Get through the first few months of a baby turning one's life upside-down. Plus that gives her some time to at least get over the shock of the affair.
I know the LW says she can never trust her H again. And that might very well turn out to be true. But I just don't think she can say that definitively at the moment, while her emotions are still so raw. I don't think she is in a place right now where she should be making major decisions.
I'm glad to hear they are in therapy. I hope it will help her find guidance on the best path to take. Couples can and do recover from an affair and can still have a strong, happy marriage. But I'm sure it is an uphill battle and both people need to be 110% committed to trying to make it work.
As an aside, I have a friend who found out his wife cheated on him and this prompted them to see a marriage counselor. In the therapy sessions, he found out that this was not the first affair she'd had and he filed for divorce soon after that. While therapy wasn't going to save that marriage, it at least made his choice on what to do much more clear for him.
Postpartum is a difficult time to make sound decisions - not only because of how exhausting and physically burdened most new moms are, but also because 15% of women suffer from postpartum depression (and women under significant stress are more prone to it). Her mental state right now is probably the best it's going to be for a while. IMO, she should either decide (now) to leave or commit to working through it and go from there.
At this point, I think she should stay (since it sounds like it's a financial strain for her to leave and the baby isn't even here yet) and have the baby. Once the baby is born, she needs to reassess and decide to stay or go.
As far as whom this woman is to him and/or whatever happened in the past, they're in counseling. I hope that through all that work, it can help her figure out what she needs to do.
In the meantime, I'd be making his ass sleep in another room if they can't afford to live apart and once the baby is born, I'd be making sure he's up and helping with baby at all times.
IDK, I'm with the "this is only 1.5 years" crowd. Continuing to work on something that has already had a pretty big failure not that far in feels like a waste of time.
She wants a divorce - do it now and figure out how to make ends meet with a different lifestyle than she may be used to, let him be free too and work out a parenting relationship that works and they can both be at peace with. It's NOT going to do the child any good to be in a broken home because she has convinced herself of her reasons.
LW has to make her own decisions, but I can't imagine being able to trust someone again after that kind of lie for that many years. He was 4 years into a secret relationship with this woman when he took his vows. That's a pretty big betrayal. I'd be inclined to move in with my mom for the duration of the pregnancy/post-partum, but that's not a viable option for everyone.
Also, "she's convinced herself of her reasons"; how about him breaking their marriage vows, putting her health at risk (hello she's operating under the assumption she's in a monogamous realtionship with someone monogamous; he may have exposed to STIs), lying to her for years.
I get that there are different perspectives, but it just sounds like you're blaming her for him cheating.