Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points with The Knot Rewards
Snarky Brides
piscinadelamuerta
member
Wedding Vs. No Wedding
Here's the thing, I'm getting married in September and I am so excited for it because it's everything I want to have. It's quirky and I've managed to work my love for Marvel Superheroes - Deadpool to be specific - and yet still kind of classy if I do say so myself.
I managed to spend $10,000 in this whole thing, and managed to save some money by having a lot of the stuff I could have done in the Philippines (because I currently live overseas but will have the wedding in the USA - you guys it's so hard to plan a wedding happening in the US while you're all the way in ASIA - but I'm coping).
Anyway, almost every single time I talk to anyone about my wedding - almost all the expats and a lot of other people find it in themselves to tell me how expensive my wedding is and how inexpensive theirs was.
How they had theirs at a backyard or at a bar or just had a court wedding then a reception at their house. Which is perfectly fine - but every single time they tell me this, it is always followed by: "I don't know how people can spend so much on a one day event."
Dude. Like. I don't give a flying biscuit butt about how you didn't have a wedding and saved your money and traveled Asia instead. Good for you. But when I say, "I've dreamt about having this kind of wedding since I was a kid" and you say, "I'm not like other girls, I've never had a dream wedding." - You can gtfo.
Good for you that your friend offered to take pictures at your backyard wedding - but I don't want a shaky Jane to take pictures of my special day - that's why I hired a professional to do it.
Also, I probably wouldn't have been so upset about it but it's been like 15 times this past two weeks, and I have had it up to here with that kind of nonsense.
I managed to spend $10,000 in this whole thing, and managed to save some money by having a lot of the stuff I could have done in the Philippines (because I currently live overseas but will have the wedding in the USA - you guys it's so hard to plan a wedding happening in the US while you're all the way in ASIA - but I'm coping).
Anyway, almost every single time I talk to anyone about my wedding - almost all the expats and a lot of other people find it in themselves to tell me how expensive my wedding is and how inexpensive theirs was.
How they had theirs at a backyard or at a bar or just had a court wedding then a reception at their house. Which is perfectly fine - but every single time they tell me this, it is always followed by: "I don't know how people can spend so much on a one day event."
Dude. Like. I don't give a flying biscuit butt about how you didn't have a wedding and saved your money and traveled Asia instead. Good for you. But when I say, "I've dreamt about having this kind of wedding since I was a kid" and you say, "I'm not like other girls, I've never had a dream wedding." - You can gtfo.
Good for you that your friend offered to take pictures at your backyard wedding - but I don't want a shaky Jane to take pictures of my special day - that's why I hired a professional to do it.
Also, I probably wouldn't have been so upset about it but it's been like 15 times this past two weeks, and I have had it up to here with that kind of nonsense.
Re: Wedding Vs. No Wedding
Some life events, particularly weddings and pregnancies, seem to draw the worst of unsolicited comments and opinions. If someone offers advice or suggestions, smile, nod, and make a brief, general response such as "Sounds like that worked great for you", or "We went a different way with that". Follow that comment up with a change of subject, such as, "Is it ever going to rain?"
I think this comment...... : "I don't know how people can spend so much on a one day event", or a version of it, multiple times in any given year. My son is a "foodie". When he completed his PhD, we gifted him an experience at the best restaurant in Chicago. $700 for 2 people! I could never in my wildest dreams spend that money on something I consider frivolous for myself. But I do know that for my son and his wife, they enjoyed that experience much more than any tangible gift I could have purchased. I have friends that prefer to live in a cramped home (from my POV) but spend much of their money on world wide travel. My SIL and her family have a modest home, but spent their time and extra money on "toys" for the boys. They have boats and campers and ATV's, and spend many weekends enjoying those toys. People can and do make choices on a daily basis as to what enjoyments in life they will prioritize. There is never a need to explain, defend, or apologize for them.
Happy wedding to you.
They're asking me about details about the wedding and shit. So I tell them. They ask me about how much this costs and I tell them.
I'm sorry if you find it tacky but I really don't see the big deal with it.
Also, not everyone has your sensibilities when it comes to money. I like people telling me how much their wedding cost so I can figure out my budget. Some people can keep it a secret and good for them, but to call me tacky just because I don't see a big deal with discussing wedding costs is kinda shitty.
I've learned to expect them to be surprised because of how much cheaper it is in Asia than it is in America... so I really don't tell them how much it cost unless they ask.
And they do.
That's when it goes from "Oh that's so cool!" to "Oh, that's so frivolous."
You need to learn the Miss Manners quiet stare when someone says something rude.
Them: how much did that cost?
you: I hate talking about momey
then: must have been expensive, that's so frivolous
you: **quiet stare as their rudeness sinks in**
you (after a good beat): so how's your uncles new business going?
lather, rinse, repeat.
But also, you should not be speaking about or showing the invitation to people not invited to the wedding. You definitely should not be telling people how much things cost- It's opening the door for comment!
"How old are you?" "What's your weight?" "How much money do you make?" "How much money do your parents make?" "Wow, your English is amazing for an Asian."
It's not a big deal when people ask me because I'm used to it growing up.
And these are people that I would love to invite if they could actually get a visa to travel to the US. Having lived overseas all my life, I've made friends that of course won't be able to make it to the wedding. It's sad time trying to fill up the bridal party, let me tell you hahaha.
Like I said, it's not a big deal.
The funny thing is, it's mostly the expat friends from America that I met that are shitting on my wedding plans. And I just want to rant about it because it hurts my wee little feelings. Hahahaha.
They ask, I answer, then they say stuff about it.
The first time, it was alright.
The second time, still pretty cool.
By the 5th time that week, I got tired of it.
Hence the rant.
Because what annoys me more is not that they think it's too expensive but that they just can't be happy for me and expect me to change my mind about what I had already spent? That's the purpose of the rant.
I had someone ask me multiple times if my H and I were paying for our wedding. She then even asked my MIL at my reception who paid for the wedding. We told her nothing. People are nosy, people are rude. Sometimes people are jealous. If these conversations are annoying to you, stop engaging in them. It's really that simple.
If you know the culture then you should have anticipated the responses. You answered questions that were gauche to ask in the first place. If, in that culture, spending $10K would be unexpected and/or shocking, it stands to reason that the response would spin toward that and not the wedding or your happiness itself. There is a way to end it....you have to break it.
You don't have to tell them the exact dollar amount. But if you do, people will have reactions. You know they will have reactions, you have witnessed those reactions. And yet you continue to tell them the exact dollar amount and you continue to complain about their reactions.
So either stop telling people the dollar amount or stop complaining about their reactions.
Hey, to me, a $10k wedding in the US is pretty darn cost-efficient. In my city, my $20k budget was frugal! It's all relative. Lucky for me only one person really fished for my financial information; I was basically like, "well the venue's private event packages are public online if you're interested for your own event."
If people were going to be all, "well I had a backyard wedding blah blah" I'd probably cheerfully say, "Different strokes for different folks!"
The only way to stop their reactions to your budget is... don't talk about it! Simple as that. If someone asks how much your wedding cost, just say "Why do you ask?"
If they have a legitimate reason for asking (for example, they are planning their own similar-size wedding in the same city as you, and want an idea of what to expect in terms of budget) then tell them if you'd like. If they don't have a legitimate reason, asking them "Why do you ask?" often makes them realize that they're being rude and nosey.
I'd love to hear more about what one would expect to see at a "Classy Deadpool" wedding, without specifics about how much it costs!
The other ladies have given you good advice. Please listen to them.
Since your answers are opening you up to judgment, you can reply by changing the subject (aka "bean-dipping") or you can ask them, "Why do you ask?"
If they respond to "Why do you ask?" in a manner that's a prelude to hostile judgment, you again have the option of changing the subject or telling them, "It's something I'd rather not discuss."
You do not have to engage people who seem to be about to give you hostility and negative judgment. But they're just as entitled to not understand and disagree with your perspectives as you are to not understand and disagree with theirs.