NWR: Ready for Kids?

dyerwise · September 2017

My Husband and I have been together for almost 6 years, married for almost 1 year. We have traveled a bit, own a home, both have good careers that we are fairly comfortable in, and we are financially stable enough to start a family. We have both talked about it and both feel kind of.. meh... to the idea of kids right now. I've always known I wanted to have at least one child and my husband has told me he feels the same way. We aren't super exciting people so its not like we are thinking "OH NO! How will we maintain our exciting lifestyle of concerts, rock climbing, and partying!", its more like, "I just really enjoy my 8 hours of sleep a night.".

Both of my older sisters have 3 children each, ages range from 13 years to 3 months, and I adore them, I am close with all of them, except the 4 year old, she hates me. My husbands sister is expecting her first baby and his cousin that he is very close with just had a baby 6 months ago. I think we both feel some pressure from to have kids soon so they will be close in age to other children in the family, but we don't feel 100% ready.

A few friends and family members have kind of asked, "what are you waiting for?" and we don't really know. Another thing people have said is "Aren't you dying to have kids? You're such a good mom to your dog!"...I have 0 kids and I know dogs and kids are SOSOSOSO different. WTF?

Sorry, this was a long way of asking, how did you know when you were ready to have children or when/why did you know you weren't ready?

charlotte989875 · September 2017

I just giggled out loud because we feel the same way... meh. Maybe someday, not today is always our line. Like if it happened accidentally it wouldn't be the end of the world, but also we're still actively trying not to. I have no words of wisdom, because we're in the same place. I'm 32 he's 33, we love our nieces and nephews but we also arent ready and aren't feeling the push to add members to our team just yet. Hopefully someone else has more advice.

short+sassy · September 2017

I have two friends that remind me a little bit of your attitude. They both wanted children, in general. For them, not saying this about you, it wasn't a driving desire. If it didn't happen, that was fine also. They have both been married once, but briefly and a long time ago. Neither of them have found the right partner yet.

One of them had early-onset menopause in her mid-30s so, short of adoption or fertility magic, she won't be having children. She was mildly sad when she was first diagnosed that this option was off the table, but didn't seem too upset about it. The other friend is now in her late-40s and came to terms that motherhood just wasn't meant to be for her. But more in a "I wonder what life would have been like" kind of way. She wasn't sad about it, just acknowledged that life took her in other directions.

As for me, I started my adulthood assuming I would want to have kids someday. Because that's what people "did". I kept waiting for the "need", the "desire", to have children that I saw so many of my friends experience. It never happened. In my mid-20s, my attitude was, "Weellll, I'm ambivalent to having kids. If I marry someone who really wants them, I'm good with having 1-2 kids. If I marry someone who doesn't, that's fine also." But in my secret heart of hearts, that sounded better. In my late-20s, my heart was not so secret, lol. I definitely didn't want kids.

When friends/family have sometimes asked me why I don't want kids, I often joke that it's because "I like my time and money better", lol. But the real answer (and I tell them this also) is that I have never had a desire to have children. Never. Not once. Not for a nano-second.

Last, but not least for you @dyerwise, some thoughts on age. I don't know how old you are, but fertility decreases the older we get. It's only slightly through our 20s and 30s. But, generally speaking, fertility starts going downhill really fast in your 40s and the chance of miscarriage is also increased.

dyerwise · September 2017

I'm so glad someone else feels the same way! I have a few friends that know 100% for sure they don't want kids and I've felt so jealous of their ability to just be so certain! I've been feeling kind of like a weirdo of feeling so...meh about it.

Also, there is a this little fear in me that knows once I have a baby I won't be able to give my dog as much love and attention and he is 11 years old and I am his entire world and I just don't think I can do that to him!

dyerwise · September 2017

@short+sassy Thank you for sharing! I do feel like I want kids for sure. I do feel that I would be very sad if we decided not to ever have kids. I also feel like I'm a very material person and have always imagined my self with a kid/kids.
I am only 28, a few months off from 29. My husband just turned 29. I know I'm still young and have plenty of time, however, I'm the oldest woman in my family to not children. Before me and my younger sister, 23, every single woman, including my two older sisters had a child at 19.

CMGragain · September 2017

I was nervous about becoming a mother. My own mother hated the traditional 1950s role of child rearing and housekeeping. She was abusive. She had told me only negative things about having children. I was smart enough to know that she was broken.
After four years of marriage, age 29, we decided to try for a family. I was very afraid that I couldn't be a loving mother that I wanted to be.
Silly me! Thirty seven years later, my two children are the most important thing I have ever done in my life! I adore them both. My only regret is that I didn't have another child. That would have been more to love.

charlotte989875 · September 2017

dyerwise said:

I'm so glad someone else feels the same way! I have a few friends that know 100% for sure they don't want kids and I've felt so jealous of their ability to just be so certain! I've been feeling kind of like a weirdo of feeling so...meh about it.

Also, there is a this little fear in me that knows once I have a baby I won't be able to give my dog as much love and attention and he is 11 years old and I am his entire world and I just don't think I can do that to him!

I feel the same way. I truthfully feel bad for my cat. She's 8, she's had surgery, her world was rocked when H loved in and again when we got the dog. I'd feel bad further dividing my time. You're definitely not alone.

The ambivalence is hard and many people don't understand. My sister knew for a long time she wanted lots of kids. I have other friends who knew from a young age they absolutely didn't and I feel like I don't really relate to either of those feelings.

ei34 · September 2017

Could just depend on your circle, but the ambivalence seems pretty common. Three of my friends are married (for two, four, and five years) and they're all in the "a kid or two would be nice...someday". All in their early 30s and in good places career-wise. I'm sorry that you're feeling uneasy or bothered by other people's questions.

lovesclimbing · September 2017

I never had a real strong sudden feeling of wanting to start our family. H and I always knew we wanted several children; we discussed it while we were dating.

I was in college when we got married, and I knew I wanted to finish my degree before having children. Then, I knew I wanted to spend at least some time in my field. Part of it was feeling the need to "prove myself" in what I chose to do. And then after a year or so of work I just started to feel more and more that I wanted to start a family. Part of it was I always knew I wanted to be a young monther, done being pregnant by the time I was 30 or within a year or two after 30. And if I wanted to be done by that time and wanted several children spaced more than a year apart, we needed to start sometime soon. And it just slowly grew. There was no sudden realization of wanting to start having kids.

ETA: We have a three-month-old now.

MissKittyDanger · September 2017

I have friends who had kids you, two friends I know won't have kids until their 30s {one because of school, the other I'm not sure} and another friend who's said they likely won't have kids {this one I'm sure won't change her mind, but her ex didn't want kids and she's with a new guy - so it could possibly change?}

This day and age, I feel bad for women who don't want kids actually. Mainly because society, family, friends, etc keep telling them it's wrong they don't want kids.
It's not wrong. It's a personal choice.

short+sassy · September 2017

What also just occurred to me @dyerwise is, although you and your H have been together for 6 years, you all have only been married for 1. Maybe you both still feel a bit ambivalent because you're still enjoying being newlyweds.

If you all are still ambivalent after a few more years, but still know you definitely want a child, then at that point I'd advise, "Just take the plunge!" Because if it's a desire, but not a strong desire, the two of you might always feel ambivalent.

It's a scary decision to make! It's life changing and life altering. And scary decisions can naturally lead to putting off the decision. I apologize for that being a major simplification of complex emotions. If true at all, it's just one piece of many. But I hope you kwim.

kaos16 · September 2017

I don't think you're ever really ready to have kids, in the sense that you can never fully prepare because it is a big life change and requires a lot of adjustments. With that being said, I think you get to the point where you and your significant other can say, we're ready to have a kid in the sense that you are ready to bring a child into your world and take on the challenges.

It was about 3 years into marriage when DH and I decided that we were going to stop taking precautions against pregnancy with the thought that we wanted a child. Our son is awesome and while life is so, so different, We wouldn't trade it for anything. We just started really thinking about having another. That brings a lot of "what ifs" up. What if he or she isn't as easy as our son? What if he or she has medical issues? What if there are problems with the pregnancy? I We are going to stop taking precautions and if it happens, great. . .. . . if it doesn't, that's fine too.

All of this rambling is my way of just basically saying that life is all unknowns, taking chances and figuring it out as you go. If you and your partner decide in your hearts that you want to share the journey with a child, whatever it brings. . . . go for it. If you don't, don't. There is nothing wrong with choosing to have a child or multiple children just as there is nothing wring with choosing not to.

TrixieJess · September 2017

As someone with an almost five year old, the answer is: you're never ready for kids. You can have all the prep in the world, read all the books, etc, etc, and you're still left with this little child who has a personality that is not is any book or on any website and you have to learn to just wing it.

Make sure that you have good friends. Preferably ones who will take you out when things get hard or just take your kid for an hour or two. Ones who won't judge you when you tell them the crazy shit your kid says or does, but just smiles and nods knowingly.

kvruns · September 2017

I was on the "if it happens great, if not that's ok" train but then decided we weren't getting any younger so let's go ahead and try and if it didn't work I wouldn't be heartbroken.

But I think it is true you're never really ready and as much as you can plan and prepare it is still a whole new world. We were financially prepared and everything but I never could have guessed my H (who always seemed to like kids and be good with them) would end up having what I think of as male post-partum depression and being basically no help for most of the baby's infancy. I wasn't prepared for the feelings of losing myself, because even though I didn't live an exciting life, I now feel at times like I just can't do anything fun and be the old me (most of it relates to not having that helpful H I thought I would have so I'm always on childcare duty). But nothing prepared me for how much I love that little guy so much and how his little laugh and giggles just melt my heart and make up for some of the other notsogood stuff going on. There will be time for workout classes and hanging out with friends later but I can't get these moments of him being a baby back so I try to remind myself of that if I am feeling down.

All of that is to say that you can be as prepared as you want to be but you just never know what life is going to throw at you. Only you guys can make that decision

SP29 · September 2017

I feel you OP, I'm in the same boat.

I'm 30 and DH is 31 next month. We'll be married for 4 years in January. I've always thought I would have kids, I like kids, and I LOVE babies. I can picture my future in my head of having a house with 2-4 kids running around, doing family things, and that warms my heart. But at the same time, I don't feel that drive to have kids now. DH had said he doesn't want to be an "old dad" but he also doesn't bring up wanting to try for kids NOW either.

I think that DH and I could be extremely happy on own (with a bunch of cats!) for the rest of our lives. But we both think we would regret it if we never had kids.

I'm also very... systematic. Like we both had to finish school and get jobs first. Then we needed a house. Now we need to "finish" the house- we have a bunch of empty rooms we need furniture for. I know we don't NEED these things, but I feel that once we have kids, we won't have the extra money for anything else, so we should get our ducks in a row while we're DINKS. DH is also really busy with work right now and started his own business back in January, so I want him to be more settled because I don't want to be raising children "alone".

I think there is also some fear about taking care of a small child. There seems like such little time as it is for getting done the things I want and need to now, how are we going to manage a small human?

But we're thinking about actively trying in the spring, so for myself, I've put that date in my head to let it "settle" and see how it feels as the time gets closer, whether it's a positive feeling or not.

ernursej · September 2017

H and I have been together for almost 9 years and married for almost 1 year and we are in the absolutely not camp. I think having children is a big decision and if you are 'meh' you shouldn't feel any pressure to have children. I don't think you can ever be fully ready but I feel like there should be more than 'meh'.

I love my life and so very happy H and I are on the same page. I'm glad that my friends have kids and I get to spend time with my nieces and nephews but wouldn't want to have my own kids.

levioosa · September 2017

I'm with you @short+sassy I never really wanted kids (well, except for one year when I was 22 and my hormones decided I wanted them). I don't like kids, I don't see need them to feel fulfilled, they just don't do anything for me. The only reason I planned on having them when I was younger was because I was still in the conservative Christian arena and that's just what "good Christian women do." I made myself volunteer at Sunday School so I could learn how to deal with kids, but I never really liked them. If SO changes his mind about having kids, I won't be sad at all. But I won't rob him of it if he feels like it's something he needs to do. This meme pretty much sums up how I feel:

Image: https://pics.me.me/silence-and-money-people-whats-better-than-having-kids-14951061.png

WinstonsGirl · September 2017

I'm leaning towards not wanting kids, DH is open to the idea, but ok with no kids too. I also don't feel old enough for kids. That's something adults do. I'm 38 and realizing my decision window is quickly closing.

I'm more worried that I'll regret not having kids when it's finally too late to decide myself. But the only reasons I can come up with for having kids is that DH would love being a Dad, and he'd be great at it. But I also like our life now, and don't see any reason to change it. We've been married 5 years and together almost 8 now

lyndausvi · September 2017

We were firmly if it happens, great. If not, no big deal. Never prevented it, never sought out help to wonder why we weren't.

Like someone else said, I don't think you can ever be truly prepared for parenthood. I've seen financially sound people struggle. Less fortunate finically people flourish. Same with mental preparedness.

On another note: I just "adopted" a family in St Thomas. They asked for baby stuff. Holy Shit that stuff is expensive. Happy to help out, but more expensive than I thought it would be.

kvruns · September 2017

Lynda baby stuff is ridiculous. I try to buy most of mine secondhand bc I can’t justify full price for stuff he will barely use

levioosa · September 2017

@lyndausvi try Khols and Target baby clearance.

sparklepants41 · September 2017

levioosa said:

@lyndausvi try Khols and Target baby clearance.

Also carters online - they’re constantly having sales and their stuff is super inexpensive to begin with.

kvruns · September 2017

sparklepants41 said:

levioosa said:

@lyndausvi try Khols and Target baby clearance.

Also carters online - they’re constantly having sales and their stuff is super inexpensive to begin with.

I've gotten myself in trouble with Carters and Kohls clearance sales, my baby has too many clothes

cupcait927 · September 2017

dyerwise said:

I'm so glad someone else feels the same way! I have a few friends that know 100% for sure they don't want kids and I've felt so jealous of their ability to just be so certain! I've been feeling kind of like a weirdo of feeling so...meh about it.

Also, there is a this little fear in me that knows once I have a baby I won't be able to give my dog as much love and attention and he is 11 years old and I am his entire world and I just don't think I can do that to him!

No lie, I've said the exact same thing to my husband and he looks at me like I'm a crazy person lol. We also feel exactly the same way you do - meh. We're in a good place to start a family but don't feel like need to do so yet. He's 31 and I'll be 31 in November and at this rate, it'll probably be another year or two before we finally take the leap.

MissKittyDanger · September 2017

kvruns said:

Lynda baby stuff is ridiculous. I try to buy most of mine secondhand bc I can’t justify full price for stuff he will barely use

I've browsed 2nd hand stores for that reason. Baby stuff is cute and all, but hi I also have a limited amount of funds. As long as it's clean, idgaf!
{actually friend of ours has younger siblings and his dad said they have bags of stuff to give away to next person expecting

they offered to wash it ahead of time too .... so that's a bonus}

lovesclimbing · September 2017

MissKittyDanger said:

kvruns said:

Lynda baby stuff is ridiculous. I try to buy most of mine secondhand bc I can’t justify full price for stuff he will barely use

I've browsed 2nd hand stores for that reason. Baby stuff is cute and all, but hi I also have a limited amount of funds. As long as it's clean, idgaf!
{actually friend of ours has younger siblings and his dad said they have bags of stuff to give away to next person expecting they offered to wash it ahead of time too .... so that's a bonus}

Yes! I wore second hand and handmedowns growing up (and currently buy plenty of clothes at value village) so it's not like I'm making my daughter do something I'm not willing to do myself.

I love carters but their stuff is expensive. $35 bucks for one outfit, no! But I love their stuff it's so cute and decent quality (unlike Gerber). I keep seeing people mention the site and will have to check it out.

OliveOilsMom · September 2017

sparklepants41 said:

levioosa said:

@lyndausvi try Khols and Target baby clearance.

Also carters online - they’re constantly having sales and their stuff is super inexpensive to begin with.

@Lyndausvi

I know you need to drive far to get to some places, but if you have a Once Upon a Child near you, it is all gently used clothes and baby stuff. There is also a consignment place that organizes sale events all over. They are called Just Between Friends. I just looked and there are current events going on for Colorado Springs, Denver, and Douglas County - if you are close enough for them.

Both places I mention automatically check for recalls.

kvruns · September 2017

@lovesclimbing Kohls is really good for getting clearance Carters stuff for cheap especially if you have their credit card. I've bought too much stuff for him for next summer already but I got Carters outfits and PJ sets for about $5 each, shorts for $2-3 etc so if the sizing doesn't end up working I know I can resell it and get my money back.

@oliveoilsmom I love the JBF sale. There are 3-4 companies like that with sales near me but JBF is by far the best in my area. And I love half price day.

MissKittyDanger · September 2017

lovesclimbing said:

MissKittyDanger said:

kvruns said:

Lynda baby stuff is ridiculous. I try to buy most of mine secondhand bc I can’t justify full price for stuff he will barely use

I've browsed 2nd hand stores for that reason. Baby stuff is cute and all, but hi I also have a limited amount of funds. As long as it's clean, idgaf!
{actually friend of ours has younger siblings and his dad said they have bags of stuff to give away to next person expecting they offered to wash it ahead of time too .... so that's a bonus}

Yes! I wore second hand and handmedowns growing up (and currently buy plenty of clothes at value village) so it's not like I'm making my daughter do something I'm not willing to do myself.

I love carters but their stuff is expensive. $35 bucks for one outfit, no! But I love their stuff it's so cute and decent quality (unlike Gerber). I keep seeing people mention the site and will have to check it out.

if you have H&M near you, the prices there are decent. And TJ Maxx/Winners have sets that are reasonable

nightnerd · September 2017

I feel like there are some people who fall comfortably in the I TOTALLY WANT BABIES and NOT FOR ME camps, and then most of us who hang out in the big field in between called "meh." That's okay, because having kids shouldn't be an entirely emotional decision. Most of the parents I know go through several feelings about it per day - they love the people that their kids are, but the responsibility and commitment is huge, etc.

I feel like this is a choice that needs to be more about what you and H want from life and what your priorities are. If you know that there will be times when you miss it just being the two of you, but you know that ultimately you'll feel good about having kids, that says something. If you truly can't anticipate any negative consequences other than the annoying questions from family never stopping, well, that also tells you something.

For my part, I'm 28 and some decimals, and I never really cared about kids. Then I met my boyfriend, got a great job, etc., and I was amazed a couple months ago to find that baby fever hit me like a ton of bricks. I think it helped to see everything fall into place so I could get a feel for where children would even fit in my life someday. We still have a few things to get done before it's time, but I have at least found someone I could happily co-parent with. I still go back and forth with my feelings day to day, but now I think it's clear that parenthood would be a very meaningful and fulfilling part of my life, which I wasn't sure of before.

It's weird, though, even before being pretty sure about kids, I always knew I'd want to adopt if I did have them someday. Every now and them I read blogs about adoption/foster care and get super misty-eyed, so at least that has always been consistent.

lyndausvi · September 2017

OliveOilsMom said:

sparklepants41 said:

levioosa said:

@lyndausvi try Khols and Target baby clearance.

Also carters online - they’re constantly having sales and their stuff is super inexpensive to begin with.

@Lyndausvi
I know you need to drive far to get to some places, but if you have a Once Upon a Child near you, it is all gently used clothes and baby stuff. There is also a consignment place that organizes sale events all over. They are called Just Between Friends. I just looked and there are current events going on for Colorado Springs, Denver, and Douglas County - if you are close enough for them.
Both places I mention automatically check for recalls.

Thanks for the suggestions. I'm actually 4 hours away from Denver, so farther from Colorado Spring. The closest Target is now pretty far because of a bridge closing (new one being constructed). No Krols or anything like it near by.

Amazon it was. Should get everything by Monday and sent out the package.

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