Moms and Maids
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What to do? (FMIL clothing issues)
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I want to preface this by saying that even though my future mother-in-law and I aren't very close, we still get along mostly. But she never dresses up. For anything. The most I've ever seen her dressed up, was a shirt, capris, and house slippers. It was quite frumpy, and bordered on embarrassing. But I tried my best to ignore it, and focus on having fun. That was what she wore on a VERY expensive Mother's Day dinner cruise that my fiance took us on this year. He invited my mother too, but she couldn't go because of illness.
Our wedding is pretty formal, and we know that she will not follow the dress code. So instead of putting pressure on her to go shopping, which she hates, and will complain about, we figured that we could pick some outfits for her, and let her choose what she wants to wear from them. My fiance's stepfather is of the same opinion. He doesn't know how to tell her that the way she dresses, bothers him too. We've all tried talking to her about it, but she goes off on us, and says things like, well fine, don't invite me to your damn [insert event/occasion here], or things of that sort. It's just a very delicate situation all around, and I want to keep the peace.
Our wedding is pretty formal, and we know that she will not follow the dress code. So instead of putting pressure on her to go shopping, which she hates, and will complain about, we figured that we could pick some outfits for her, and let her choose what she wants to wear from them. My fiance's stepfather is of the same opinion. He doesn't know how to tell her that the way she dresses, bothers him too. We've all tried talking to her about it, but she goes off on us, and says things like, well fine, don't invite me to your damn [insert event/occasion here], or things of that sort. It's just a very delicate situation all around, and I want to keep the peace.
Re: What to do? (FMIL clothing issues)
My own mother regularly dresses in clothing I find inappropriate, it doesn’t reflect on me, it reflects on her.
Try and remember that your wedding day is about being joined with the person you love, in front of those you love. You should care less about what they are wearing and more about the fact that they are there to celebrate your special day with you. Will a few pictures look really odd because she's not dressed super formal? Probably. Will it ruin the wedding? Nope. Will she be in 99% of wedding pictures (including those you are most likely to frame and keep around)? Probably not.
Also, in terms of your event being 'formal', you can demonstrate the formality of the evening by your invitations, the food, the venue, etc, but you CANNOT dictate wardrobe to any of your guests. Dress instructions cannot be mandated on the invite or the website. The only time this is appropriate is when you are hosting a true black tie event, or when the venue requires it.
You can't tell your MIL how to dress. She's her own person, an adult, allowed to dress as she pleases, and apparently not open to change.
It also doesn't matter. Not embarrassing to you - other people know that she is her own adult person making her own choices. Not a big deal in terms of pictures, as someone pointed out. (I also never understand why people want their loved ones to look or be totally different for a wedding. If you love them, you love them as they are. If you don't love them as they are, don't invite them - MIL is clearly getting the vibe that the latter is the case, which is why she's suggesting that in angry defensiveness.) So leave it alone.
You are allowed to tell her that her shoulders need to be covered or whatever is actually required by your Tridentine parish, but I can't imagine they have an actual requirement for formality or people won't be allowed into Mass.
As for the church, so long as shoulders are covered, usually most churches don’t care anymore about formality of dress.
Yeah, that sucks when the parent of one of the principals at a wedding chooses to make that a hill to die on, but there's not really anything you can do about it.
I was raised by a woman who only cared about appearances. I didn't get to choose my own clothes until I was an adult. The resentment still burns. You remind me of her.
And your "You remind me of a woman who only cared about appearances" was mean. Photos are not the only reasons why people might want their FMIL to dress appropriately for occasions.
I'm calling BS on that though. I find it very hard to believe that church rules would be so strict that they would bar the Mother of the Groom from attending her son's wedding because her blouse isn't "nice enough".
That said OP, you can tell your FMIL what the church requirements are and she can dress to those requirements.
I have to say though, in so much of your posts they seem.....drama-ridden. Why are you having a formal wedding if the MOG is going to be uncomfortable?
In any weddings I've been to at a church or temple so conservative that head covering is required, the venue always has extra in the lobby for non-member guests. They know every guest won't be familiar with their requirements or they'll forget.
Sometimes people just showing up wearing anything really isn't a good thing, especially if they refuse to honor a genre's dress code or otherwise make assets of themselves with bad attitudes. That's what seems to be going on with this FMIL. It has nothing to do with your mother and her problems.
The bride and groom have the right to plan whatever kind of wedding they want if they're the ones paying.
It's not just about the MOG being uncomfortable. I do think that if you are planning a formal event and the mother of your husband isn't a formal person you're doing something that is either going to make her uncomfortable or have her stick out like a sore thumb. You don't plan everything around just one person but it makes me tilt my head and say, "huh?" If she's planning a black tie wedding that comes with an expectation on the part of guests. If the guests are not black tie people, the mere attendance to such an event can be an unforeseen expense. The OP is absolutely free to host the type of event that she and her FI see fit as long as they meet all the requirements. But I can tell you that if I thought the type of event I was hosting was going to put my guests out of their comfort zone, cause them to have to buy or rent clothing that they would never normally own, and put them in a zone that they would never normally seek, then I wouldn't host that kind of event. After all, the reception is FOR the guests. I wouldn't create an event that would possibly make them uncomfortable. If my FI was close to his mother, she would be a main factor in this. That's not etiquette and it's just my opinion and well...we know what opinions are like.
But in other posts the OP has talked about how she's seeking a Tridentine Mass, thinks Novus Ordo Mass is "too blasphemous" for her, wants to omit the GF of an invited guest and wants to pull a friend into her father role even though he actually isn't. Every time I read something new I just feel like drama has been created for the sake of wanting to make it.
Everyone's needs, not just hers, have to be taken into account. And if she's not paying, she doesn't get a say in the level of formality. If she wants to pout and stay home because she isn't capable of acting sufficiently mature to accept that the wedding is at a venue and in a style that is not compatible with her preferred style of "comfort," then ultimately that's on her.
The couple are not at fault for not planning a wedding she doesn't have to dress up for.
If this is really all about the church requiring head coverings, the church or the couple needs to provide them *for MANY guests - not just FMIL* or lots of their guests will be booted. But then it's not just about FMIL, is it?
Cutting through the bullshit here, this sounds like OP is having a formal (calling BS on it actually being black tie) wedding and wants her FMIL to "step it up". At the maximum, OP can give FMIL the church's written requirements (in their words, not OP's). Once she does that, she needs to focus her energy elsewhere and stop trying to micromanage her FMIL's clothing.
MoG wears whatever she feels great it. Why does it embarass you so much? No priest is going to kick her out of the church. You previously stated that you are ordering mantillas for guests, so she can use that if necessary. You need to order/pay for these if your church requires them.
From all your posts, you seem to internalise/ try to control other people's lives. Like, A LOT! What other people wear, what goes on in their relationship, what religion they practice has no effect on you. Act like it.
For someone that is so into their Faith, maybe check out John 8:7 and quit judging others.