Wedding Woes

Heartbroken

OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216
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FW told me last night that she wants to postpone the wedding again, and that she may never want to get married at all. She said that she feels like we’re not on better footing than we were a year ago. I was blindsided; I thought we were doing better. I know she’s been depressed and at loose ends, but I had no idea that she was having second thoughts about us.

She was married and divorced twice before she transitioned, and she said that she doesn’t want to go through another divorce or hurt me the way she hurt her exes. 

I don’t know what to do. I love her and I want us to be strong and healthy again, but I don’t know what it’s going to take and if anything I do is going to be enough.
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Re: Heartbroken

  • Oh hunny. I am so sorry. Are you okay?
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216
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    Oh hunny. I am so sorry. Are you okay?
    Right now I’m mostly in shock, but also hurting a lot. I feel guilty that I didn’t see this coming. 
  • It’s not your fault. She may not have shown things outwardly. I hope that when the shock wears off you can can talk and come up with a solution that works for both of you. 
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    OWK, I am so sorry.  Things are very raw for you right now.  You should not feel guilty or responsible.  If I recall, you tried to lay some blame on yourself when your initial plans changed.  You cannot always get inside the head or heart of a SO.  You need a few days to absorb this shock.

    Are either of you still in counseling? 

    Your SO sounds like it might be the actual legal commitment that triggers her.  Would you be willing to remain a couple without that? 

    I wish I could say something hopeful to you.  We are complicated beings.  It makes no sense to avoid or deny love because we fear being hurt, but that's exactly the risk we take in every aspect of our life. 

    Take care of yourself.  That is the best way to help yourself as well as your relationship.
    eileenrobSP29MNNEBridesouthernbelle0915
  • 6fsn6fsn
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    I am so sorry owk.  I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling. Please be kind to yourself. 
  • CMGragainCMGragain
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    edited October 15
    I am so sorry that you have to go through this.  I do think it is good that your partner spoke up before the wedding.

    This is in no way your fault.  It sounds like you have fallen in love with someone who does not see marriage as an option.  Since marriage is what you want, this rocks your world and hurts like hell.

    My daughter was in love with a young man who decided he did not want marriage, children and a family.  After a four year relationship, you can imagine how she felt.  They broke up as a couple, but are still on friendly terms.  She found a man who wanted what she wanted, and they are happily married.  He found a woman who did not want children and a family, and they are happy, though they did get married.  They both found what was right for themselves.

    I think you need some alone time.  It doesn't sound like your partner wants what you want, even though you love each other.  Love is not enough.  I am so sorry.  You are a wonderful, caring person, and I think God has a different plan for you.  Take time to heal.  Walk away.  You cannot fix your partner, no matter how much you are in love.  It is time to grow, and dammit, growth hurts!

    You are in my prayers for healing.  There is a future out there for you, and I hope it is beautiful.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain
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    edited October 14
    FW told me last night that she wants to postpone the wedding again, and that she may never want to get married at all. She said that she feels like we’re not on better footing than we were a year ago. I was blindsided; I thought we were doing better. I know she’s been depressed and at loose ends, but I had no idea that she was having second thoughts about us.

    She was married and divorced twice before she transitioned, and she said that she doesn’t want to go through another divorce or hurt me the way she hurt her exes. 

    I don’t know what to do. I love her and I want us to be strong and healthy again, but I don’t know what it’s going to take and if anything I do is going to be enough.
    I am so sorry.  Love is not enough.  You cannot change her.  You need to move on.  Thoughts and prayers.  Many people care about you. <3
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston
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    Hugs, OWS.  I can only imagine how you're feeling right now.   Prayers for guidance and strength. 



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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
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    OWS.  I'm so sorry.  Please be kind to yourself, maybe take in an extra meeting to ensure that you can keep on your sober path.

    It might be best to see if you can live away from each other.  I know you had a housemate recently move out?  Maybe you can move into their room for the time being.

    If you want to stay together, I recommend some counseling together.  Someone to help guide your communication together.

    Again, be kind to yourself.  
    charlotte989875
  • I'm sorry this is happening.  I can only imagine how you're feeling. 

    Just be be kind to yourself for now. Allow yourself to feel all of your feelings. Once you are up to it, I gently encourage you to bring up the idea of couples therapy with her. It made a world of difference for H and I. 

    Again, sending lots of support and positivity. We are here for you when and if you need us.
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe
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    edited October 15
    OWK!  Right now things are raw and I don't want to be the one to say "it's time for some gut checks", but you've been so patient through all of this and for so long.  It's time to decide what you want and what is best in your heart of hearts for you because you know what you'd say to both another knottie or a best friend if they were in your shoes (though "HEY!  Get out of my bleeping shoes!" should be a good laugh right now!).  That doesn't make things any easier so remember when times want to drag you down, you are worth living a life of happiness and fulfillment with someone who wants the same with you.  You can't fix another person's broken, you can however decide what you're willing to accept for your life so that you can live your goals and dreams to their fullest potential.  I don't know if that means staying or if that means being out in time for the start of the month, only you can answer that question with the knowledge you have.  Trust in you, you've got this!

    Hugs!!!
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  • WinstonsGirlWinstonsGirl The Cold North
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    Lots of positive vibes to you.  So sad to hear this
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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI
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    I'm so sorry OWK. That is heartbreaking. 

    Please take care of you right now. You can't give love outwardly until you give it to yourself inwardly and blaming yourself won't help. You can't love this out of her either. You need to give yourself time to absorb the information and decide what you want. 

    We are all here for whatever you need. 
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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK
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    I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I am sure this has completely upended everything in your life right now. 

    Is there any chance you can get away for a bit? Even if you go to stay with a friend?

    I think you need some quiet contemplation time to process this, away from everyone and distractions. 

    Sending massive hugs. 
    SP29
  • I’m so sorry, OWK. As the shock wears off, remember to take care of yourself too. As PPs suggested, perhaps a small temporary change of scenery might help.

    Hugs for you. 
  • I'm sorry to hear OWK.  Try your best to take care of yourself right now.  It's impossible to know exactly what an SO is thinking so please don't blame yourself.

    Sending a hug and well wishes <3
  • I know you love your SO and want to make this work, but it's also important for you to look out for yourself right now. It sounds like you guys have been through postponing your marriage at least once before - how many times are you okay with doing that? Because of what your SO has already been through, there is a possibility that she may never be ready to get married again. Once the shock and hurt of this has softened a little bit, I think you need to think about whether you're okay with that. Do you want to be with her enough to forego an official marriage, or is it essential to you to have that legal commitment? (It's okay, by the way, to decide that you need that. Be honest with yourself.) 

    Obviously when you love someone, you want to do whatever you can to help them through hard times and to make them happy. But at a certain point, you also have to ask yourself what that process is doing to you, and whether it's making you give up too much of your own happiness.  I think you are at a point now where it's okay to ask yourself that question, and whether you still feel this is a relationship in which you can be happy and healthy. Sadly, love is not always enough to fix the situation. 

    I am truly sorry that you are going through this. Don't be shy about coming here for support if you need it. *hugs*

    I love this, especially the bolded.  I'm so sorry you're dealing with this right now, and I hope you both get the time to work out what exactly you each need. You deserve to be happy in your relationship.
    MesmrEwe
  • Oh owk. I’m so, so sorry. Please try not to feel guilty. Sending you hugs and I hope you can take some time and space to figure things out.
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  • Oh OWK I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself. Give yourself some time to really sort out what you want and need. 
  • SP29SP29
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    So sorry to hear this OWK. {hugs} to you!

    Please do not feel guilty- this is not something you can change or fix for your partner. This is something she has to deal with for herself. But as said above, you also have to decide if this is something you can accept, and how much of yourself you can give into this relationship (it can't be all at the expense of yourself).
  • Sending you lots of hugs 
  • Oh gosh I'm so sorry to hear that! You guys were getting close-ish to the date too, right?

    PPs have given great advice, so I won't try to say anything smarter. Take care of yourself, and think about what it is that you truly want for yourself. It sucks and it's hard, but you'll get through this.
  • OWK, I'm so sorry you are going through this.  Sending you lots of hugs.  As PP have said, take some time to be good to yourself and sort things out.
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  • Oh, OWK :( My heart hurts for you.
    Hopefully when things aren't as painful. you 2 can talk and get the root of the situation.
    Someone mentioned it, but are you in counseling still? I remember you mentioning before. If not, maybe it's an option to go back?

    Please make sure you take care of yourself as well <3
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  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
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    I’m so sorry, OWK. I’m sending you hugs. Please take care of yourself. This isn’t about you and it’s not your fault. 


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  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
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    I'm so very sorry. Are you in any sort of couples counseling? 

    Please remember to be kind to yourself. 

  • How heartbreaking...especially because it was a surprise to you. You seem very dedicated to your SO but remember to prioritize your own self and mental health too.
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  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
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    so so sorry, OWK :(  Did she give you any insight  about why you're not on the right footing?  I agree with some other PP's about a temp change for now and if she's willing to do couple counseling (if you're not already going) that could really help.  We're here for you if you need to talk or vent. 

    short+sassy
  • @OurWildKingdom I'm so sorry.  Please take care of yourself and your needs, safely and kindly.  And please know that is is absolutely okay for you to prioritize yourself if you need to.
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