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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Groom's guest list is huge, bride's parents footing the bill though
Hey there...
So I'm under a bit of stress about the budget and guest list... My parents are helping with a lot of the high-cost items for our wedding... Venue, food and alcohol namely. The source of stress is that my fiancé has a massive family (tons of aunts, uncles, and cousins) that he thinks should all be invited and it's really not in the budget. We had in mind not to invite more than 150, thinking probably 130 would come... And right now our list is at 180. His guest list is significantly longer than mine (his is 100+ and mine is less than 70) and he doesn't seem to think anyone can be cut. I don't want him to feel like he has to cut any friends, because he didn't put that many friends on the guest list... Mostly just family. But a lot of the family members on the list I've never even heard him mention, but they are first cousins, etc. so he feels they need to be invited. Plus, his parents haven't even seen the list yet, so I'm guessing his parents will probably have more additions of family members or friends he's forgotten or people who were invited to his two brothers weddings. Oh, not to mention, most of his family lives within an hour, so I'm guessing basically all the family he invites will come. I've trimmed my side as much as possible, but he really hasn't touched his at all because he truly think all the family members he wrote down need to be invited.... But I disagree. Mostly about the people I've never even heard him mention or met. I wouldn't have any problem with inviting all of those people if his parents were helping to foot the bill, but right now all they are helping with is the rehearsal dinner, which we already doing for a very inexpensive amount. I don't want him to feel like he can't invite who he wants, but the expensive items like food, alcohol, tables, chairs, etc. are the things that truly depend on the number of guests, and his side is really taking a major toll on the budget. I just feel kind of stressed because my parents want to help, but his side of the guest list could make this really expensive--more than they are willing to pay and then that cost would probably fall and he and I. How do I approach him or his family about cutting the guest list and/or contributing to the wedding to help off set some of the costs? He and I have already paid for the photographer, rings, honeymoon... Not sure what to ask his family to contribute to if they should. Any ideas or advice on dealing with this would be great!
So I'm under a bit of stress about the budget and guest list... My parents are helping with a lot of the high-cost items for our wedding... Venue, food and alcohol namely. The source of stress is that my fiancé has a massive family (tons of aunts, uncles, and cousins) that he thinks should all be invited and it's really not in the budget. We had in mind not to invite more than 150, thinking probably 130 would come... And right now our list is at 180. His guest list is significantly longer than mine (his is 100+ and mine is less than 70) and he doesn't seem to think anyone can be cut. I don't want him to feel like he has to cut any friends, because he didn't put that many friends on the guest list... Mostly just family. But a lot of the family members on the list I've never even heard him mention, but they are first cousins, etc. so he feels they need to be invited. Plus, his parents haven't even seen the list yet, so I'm guessing his parents will probably have more additions of family members or friends he's forgotten or people who were invited to his two brothers weddings. Oh, not to mention, most of his family lives within an hour, so I'm guessing basically all the family he invites will come. I've trimmed my side as much as possible, but he really hasn't touched his at all because he truly think all the family members he wrote down need to be invited.... But I disagree. Mostly about the people I've never even heard him mention or met. I wouldn't have any problem with inviting all of those people if his parents were helping to foot the bill, but right now all they are helping with is the rehearsal dinner, which we already doing for a very inexpensive amount. I don't want him to feel like he can't invite who he wants, but the expensive items like food, alcohol, tables, chairs, etc. are the things that truly depend on the number of guests, and his side is really taking a major toll on the budget. I just feel kind of stressed because my parents want to help, but his side of the guest list could make this really expensive--more than they are willing to pay and then that cost would probably fall and he and I. How do I approach him or his family about cutting the guest list and/or contributing to the wedding to help off set some of the costs? He and I have already paid for the photographer, rings, honeymoon... Not sure what to ask his family to contribute to if they should. Any ideas or advice on dealing with this would be great!
Re: Groom's guest list is huge, bride's parents footing the bill though
Once you have a number (sounds like you had landed on 150), you each get 75. Less if you have mutual people that you both want to invite. Then he starts with his parents, his close family, closest friends and builds from there until the list is set.
You guys need to come to a firm understanding of budget and guest list and stick to it. You never, ever approach any one about contributing. If they want to, they will offer. It is incredibly tacky to bring this up. But, also remember that they who pay get a say, meaning if his parents don't contribute, they get much less control of the guest list than if they were helping with some of the bill. If your fiancé is set on a larger guest list, he will need to find the extra money somewhere to pay for the extra people.
As far as the guest list is concerned, sides don't have to be equal. You set a budget and stay within that budget. You can do that by cutting the guest list or by cutting back your type of event. Maybe it is more important to your FI to have his family there than it is to have fancy centerpieces and chair covers (if that is what you have planned). You need to discuss these things and decide what is most important: the guest list or the look of the event.
You can also go less expensive on food and drinks. You could offer only wine and beer or a limited bar (never a cash bar). The important thing here is for the two of you to communicate about what you want for your wedding.
I think you two need to figure out the kind of wedding you want. Do you want to invite everyone on the list? Or do you have a specific kind of event in mind?
It sounds like you both need to figure out what the budget really is and what's involved in that budget. Do you have a venue or are you still looking? What does that include?
There are too many unknowns here but I think you need to both look at the numbers and spreadsheets and figure out where things take you. Does your parents' money have a cap? Is there a figure that they're giving or are they saying that they'll pay for those items?
All of this is really vague and the only thing I can tell you is that you can't ask his parents to contribute.
After that look at the guest list; if these people are important to your FI, then you have to consider that. Of course you don't have to invite them all, but if this is something that matters to him, I think you definitely have to hear him out. I disagree with the PP who said you have to split the numbers down the middle; equal doesn't always mean fair. If he has more family, then maybe he has a bigger share of the quest list. And it's not on his parents to pay for them. Just because his side didn't offer to pay, doesn't mean he doesn't get to invite who he wants, YKWIM?
So if you have a guest list of roughly 180, you need to find a venue that can accommodate those people within your budget; maybe it means cutting other things like centerpieces/favors/flowers/etc if it is important to have those people there. Or look into a brunch/afternoon option. Or look in to cutting the guest list. Think about what is most important to you two and go from there.
Don't approach them though, that's poor etiquette!
Redo the list. Start with immediate family {siblings, parents, grandparents} then close friends.
Keep an eye on the amount {use a numbered list if that's easier}
Add aunts and uncles that you are close to before adding those you aren't close to.
Do all of this together, so you can clarify you've never met them. My husband has a stepdad and knew the extended family, so his 'side' was larger than mine. When adding them to the list, I double and triple checked he had met them and was friendly with them. Majority was a yes, but a few we opted to not invite because he wasn't close with them or familiar/friendly.
If the list goes longer than you'd hoped, see what you can cut back on for other things.
Is your venue all inclusive or are you bringing in /renting? Is it a buffet or do you have a per head price?
I think until you have a concrete figure from your venue and / or caterer you can't really crunch the figures.
We never asked my mum if anyone was missing, maybe because I knew already who I was inviting?
MIL and sFIL paid for venue/food since their side was bigger.
To the bolded; this is part of wedding planning. Not to be too blunt here, but who else would pay for expenses beyond what someone else is (generously) offering to contribute? It's your wedding, so of course it falls to you. Maybe share with him that no one else is obligated to pay for your event, and that if these are people he wants to invite you either need to start saving and budgeting your own cash for it, cut yet another thing from your plans, or revise the guest list.
Scrap the list and start over. You've already booked a venue so you know your cost per head and how many guests you can afford. And you can't plan on declines - it's a recipe for going over budget. Plan on 100% and be happy if you save any money (you probably won't because of gratuity and other budget surprises).
So because of simple math, you either need to increase your budget or decrease your list. If you can't increase the budget (and no, it's not appropriate to ask his family for money), you need to decrease the list. You can choose to invite in circles (e.g. all aunts/uncles, but no cousins) or just invite who you're close to ("I haven't seen or talked to Uncle Bill in 3 years, but I talk to cousin Amy regularly").
But either way, he needs to cut his list. It's that simple. He can choose how to do it, but it needs to be cut.
You can't plan for people to NOT be there. You need to figure out how much money you can spend on the reception and then figure out what that gets you for guests.
Does he budget for other things?? The way you are posting I just hope that he has some experience understanding that to make a purchase happen the finances for the purchase need to happen first.
I would show him the guest list, the quote from the caterer and what the final bill would be. Subtract the amount your parents are contributing (again Yay! we aren't all that lucky) and give him the amount that you would owe. You guys should figure out if you can pay that amount or if the guest list needs to be trimmed down. Go from there.
Also, the guest lists don't have to be exactly even.
Regarding looking for caterers, I will tell you think about wedding planning - FI and I had a disagreement about how much to spend on flowers. I got 3 quotes. He thought they were all high. I invited him to make appointments, attend them and collect more quotes. He declined and we picked one of the quotes I had gotten but scaled it back a bit. So, I would probably present him with the three options and the cost per head. If he doesn't agree with it, he can research cheaper caterers or cut the guest list. Simple enough.
Change your screen name and stick around!
No one is out to hurt you but I think you and your FI need to sit down with a big spreadsheet to figure out what $ you have going in so you can determine what you can spend.
And PLEASE don't paint a picture that he's a guy and therefore he doesn't understand weddings and expenses. That's a horrible generalization.
Look, I sympathize. This reminds me of Father of the Bride and flying in the Danish relatives, etc. And I get the inherent unfairness of someone (your parents) paying to host tons of people they've never met- unless that is they're happy to do it.
So what about this... your FI is insisting certain family members need to be invited, but do they really? Is he close to them? Does he seem them all at least once a year? Is it important to celebrate with all these people even if he sees them once only every few years? Why haven't you met a lot of these people? Are there circles that can be cut without splitting families and hurting feelings?
FWIW, we wanted a small wedding but DH has a big family- we made our list small based on family and friends we see at least once a year (with the exception of people who live far away but are emotionally close). No obligation invites. Our logic was that if we haven't seen or spoken with someone in a year, they're not close enough to care or us to care if they're there for a wedding.
Have your parents already put their foot down on a certain dollar amount that will be exceeded if the list is too big, or are they flexible? Hate to say it but it's sounding like you may be digging into your own pockets. Most of us on these boards partially paid for or fully paid for our weddings.
Im sorry if you felt hurt by some of the comments. They struck me as practical and trying to be helpful. I’d be more hurt by a FI that is unwilling to compromise and lacks regard for his future in-laws budget. I ditto PP I’d work on scaling back the guest list...good luck!!
Names, Address, City, State, Zip, Total Number of Invites, Total RSVP Yes, Gift Received, Date Thank You Sent....
There are more columns and more tabs. I made it in Google Sheets and FI has equal access. He knew that if someone was going to be invited, we needed their names, addresses etc and he was to put that information in. We were able to figure out our numbers pretty efficiently and now we have an awesome Xmas card spreadsheet for the future.
Other PPs have covered the basics.
If you know your total budget, have subtracted everything else you've booked so far, and you know the price per person, then you know how many guests you are able to invite. Remember, unless your venue is all inclusive, it's not just the meal and alcohol that costs- its additional tables, chairs, place settings, centerpieces and invitations. If you haven't laid the costs out for your FI yet, then you need to. Even if he isn't interested in wedding planning, you two are going to become a team/family and you both need to be aware of the finances.
I also agree that your guest list does not need to be 50/50. If FI has a larger family, then it makes sense "his" list would be longer. However, already being at 180 guests for a budget that you expect will cover 150 is wayyyyy off, and guests need to be cut.
Start over with your guest list. Make a list of "Must Haves" and "Would Like to Have", see where that number gets you.
While FI's parents are not contributing, it would be considerate to ask them about any must have guests. A good way to do this would be to ask if there is anyone in particular they would really like to see invited, and that you will consider their request. It doesn't mean that just because they give you a list that you have to invite every guest, and many of those guests are likely already on your guest list (family), but it does make sure that you haven't forgotten about anyone in particular. Or, if they have a guest on their "must have" list that is on your "Would Like" list, then perhaps that guest goes higher in priority than your other "Would Like" guests.
H and I split the guest list 50/50 but in the end he had a few more and I had a few less. I don't think most people have equal splits but I don't think you should be doing all the cutting.
I like PPs suggestions.
Change your name and stick around! Lots of great advice.
Anyway, one thing that helped us was to talk about thing in terms of the guest list. We paid for everything ourselves, and our cost per person was $150 (with tax, tip, etc.). So often I would say something like "We shouldn't go out to dinner there; it'll cost half the price of a wedding guest" or "The difference in price between those two DJs is the same as 4 wedding guests". It made things concrete for him, especially in the last couple of months when we really had to be mindful of our budgets and he was struggling.
Now that you have your guest list, you shop for a venue, time of day, menu that fits both these two criteria. This is after all other expenses are accounted for in your budget.
It does not matter who is paying for what. Plan the wedding that you can afford for the guests you want to invite. If this means starting over and changing your plans, then do it.
PS. DH and I paid for 100% of daughter's wedding. Six relatives from our side of the family attended. The groom's huge local family numbered more than 60. So what? Everybody was happy, and the money was well spent.