Child B was wrong, IMO.

charlotte989875 · November 2017

OliveOilsMom said:

Charlotte - That is messed up. I think you need to speak with your dad further about this. Tell him it isn't right for him to keep this secret and that you implore him to tell your mom.

kvruns said:

@charlotte989875 I wonder if it is even legal to have changed it, or maybe it depends on the type of account. The only reason I even question it is a client just asked me about this yesterday related to company-provided life insurance and the beneficiary document says if the person is married and the spouse is not listed as primary (or is later changed to no longer being primary) the spouse must consent it to with a notarized signature, otherwise the beneficiary change will not be enforced when the policy pays out.

@OliveOilsMom the (even) more complicated thing is that my sister wants nothing to do with it. She says its his money, he can do what he wants with it. She thinks it's super weird, but she's so nonconfrontational that she just ignores things until I deal with it.

@kvruns I think because it's not the primary life policy that it's not a problem. It's supplementary life insurance he purchased outside from any company-related policy. I don't know what the beneficiary document says, but he told us after he did it, so either he was lying (totally possible) or there wasn't a problem.

lovesclimbing · November 2017

short+sassy said:

@6fsn, unfortunately, I have heard a lot of scenarios like that. Someone's portion in the will is smaller because they were given X money that others didn't receive. Which sounds perfectly reasonable and understandable to me. But then it seems like the "borrowers" always get upset about it. Heck, a free "loan" with no interest...that never needs to be paid back out of a person's own money...sounds like a sweet deal to begin with. Yet then people complain about it.
On a different subject, but same idea. I had a former coworker who was really upset that she didn't get more money back after she sold her house. She was complaining about it and sharing the numbers with me. And then she said something like, "If it wasn't for that Home Equity Line of Credit balance ($50K), it wouldn't have been so bad." I know exactly what a HELOC is. Wait, what? I gently pointed out to her that the HELOC $50K balance WAS part of her profit. She just already spent it while she owned the house. Her response, "Well, yeah, I guess. But I still had to pay it." Ummm....yes. Indeed. That is how it works, lol.

See, I think this is GREAT! A relative has loaned money to several people in the extended family. For big things like property so then they have a low or no interest loan and aren't dealing with a bank and the strings attached that a bank has. My H and I are hoping to buy a business in a few years, and this relative has already expressed interest in doing that for us. If they pass before the loan is paid back, I would jump for joy if their will said, "your inheritance is the rest of the loan is forgiven." That would be amazing!

short+sassy · November 2017

lyndausvi said:

I actually do not see a problem with Child B's suggestion, provided the money would be put into a trust for the kids directly. Which I think is key. Putting into the hands of the parents to distribute later I would have a problem with because who knows if the kids will actually get the money.

Actually that is what DH's grandma did. She willed one of her annuities to her grandkids. All 7 of them got an equal amount (about $2K each). All other assets were split between MIL and her only sibling. Not sure how much her assets were, but MIL and her sister still received a considerable amount of money compared to grandkids.

Also there are many ways the OP could have given money to her grandkids if she wanted. It didn't need to be the 1/5 split. She could have set aside a small amount for the grandkids, but then distributed the baulk of the amount to her kids.

We do not have kids and wouldn't be upset if the grandkids got a direct inheritance from their grandparents. I think the key word here is DIRECT. I might be miffed if my parents gave my sister more simply because she has the most amount of kids.

However, if my parents gave her 3 kids money directly I wouldn't think in terms that "her side" got more money. All but one of the 7 grandkids are legal adults with the youngest being 16. The money would be their's, not an extension of my siblings'.

That was what my H's parents did when they passed. At some point in their older age, they changed their will to leave their estate to split between just all the grandkids.

Considering the circumstances, both my H and I'm assuming his siblings thought that made a lot of sense. My IL's "children" were all grown adults. My H's oldest sister was already retired even. Most, though not all, of the grandchildren were in their 20s and 30s. I think only one grandchild was under 18, but almost there. And, although each sibling may not have had the same amount of children, they did all have children.

As an aside, it's weird for me to call them my IL's, lol. I actually never met them.

ILoveBeachMusic · November 2017

I'm of the thought that people can do whatever they want with their money. It will cause drama probably but whatever. I do agree with PPs that it is better if the money is given directly to the grandkids or put in trust for minor grandkids so that the parents don't spend it.

*Barbie* · November 2017

Other than listing me as executor for their will, I have no idea what my parents plan to do with their money/property when they pass. I would assume that they would basically split it between myself and my sister - not sure if they would factor in Wolverine or not. (Sister is not married/doesn't have kids at this point.)

Based on what I know about FIL's past, he and MIL would split everything evenly between their 4 kids. I don't know who his executor is, but I think he's crazy if it's not DK, as he's the most stable and financially savvy of his siblings. When FIL's parents died, they left him everything because he took care of them in their old age, and his one living sister is horrible with money and would have lost everything they left her. FIL didn't think that was fair, so he took half of the inheritance and put it in a trust to help out his sister and her family. He manages the money, but his sister gets a regular payment from the account and he also uses it to help her with housing costs, bills, etc.

mrsconn23 · November 2017

I've been thinking about this post and the responses for the last day or so.

I think DH is the executor of FIL's estate, but I need to ask him. I would assume so since he's the oldest and we're the only local kids (not that BIL is far away).

I have no idea about my parent's estate. I would not be surprised if it was my older sister, for many reasons, which is fine by me. My sisters and I have watched enough family bullshit after the passing of my grandma. Also, my parents have always been very practical about inheritances and estates (basically, don't count on them and earn your own damn money).

6fsn · November 2017

My one brother is executor for my parents, my other brother, my sister and myself.

The other brother is medical power of attorney for everyone.

I was going to ask if you should know you are executor. FIL told DH where all of the paperwork is stored and gave him a key to the safe. My mom has told us all where things are and who to contact. Then it dawned on me that we've never had this discussion with MIL. Dollars to donuts BIL is executor.

short+sassy · November 2017

6fsn said:

My one brother is executor for my parents, my other brother, my sister and myself.
The other brother is medical power of attorney for everyone.
I was going to ask if you should know you are executor. FIL told DH where all of the paperwork is stored and gave him a key to the safe. My mom has told us all where things are and who to contact. Then it dawned on me that we've never had this discussion with MIL. Dollars to donuts BIL is executor.

Under most circumstances, I think this is VERY wise.

Having a loved one die is bad enough, but it is tremendously harder for heirs if they have no idea where a parent/family member's bank and other financial accounts are. What their assets are. Heck, if there is a will and where it is. If they shoved money behind some wall in their house somewhere. Just all of that kind of stuff.

My mom has given me all of that kind of information. Including specific knick knacks she has that are valuable. Good info because, some of the things she mentioned, I could see my sister and I giving to Goodwill. My sister is her executor and was added as a signatory to my mom's safety deposit box, because she lives in the same area. I'm good with all of that.

Speaking of safety deposit boxes, here is my tip for the day. Straight from my mom, who spent her career in banking. Make sure someone else or multiple someone else's are signatories and have extra keys of your safety deposit boxes. They will need to have both to access the box. If a person is at least a signatory, a key can be ordered. But banks charge exorbitant fees for that.

Banks cannot allow access to a non-signer, until the estate is completely settled and there is legal documentation to prove that. Even for obvious and totally uncontested estates...like a spouse or child being the heir...it is a long, red-tape filled process that will usually take months. Or some estates can take years to settle, if there are warring parties.

short+sassy · November 2017

OMG, taking my own (above) advice, I do need to get my stuff together, lol.

I handle all the finances in our household. My H has a general idea, but I should really put together a document with everything and account numbers, payment amounts, and due dates. Keep it in our safe.

Even worse, if something happened to me and my H at the same time, my poor mom would have completely no idea. She wouldn't even know the addresses of the properties I own.

Note to self: Tell mom where the safe key is.

6fsn · November 2017

I have a folder in our fire safe with all of the info.

6fsn · November 2017

Oh and because I can see my SIL being an asshole medical knowitall I have given all of my family specific instructions that she is NOT the medical person. Pull the plug before she gets to see my medical records.

*Barbie* · November 2017

short+sassy said:

Under most circumstances, I think this is VERY wise.
Having a loved one die is bad enough, but it is tremendously harder for heirs if they have no idea where a parent/family member's bank and other financial accounts are. What their assets are. Heck, if there is a will and where it is. If they shoved money behind some wall in their house somewhere. Just all of that kind of stuff.

You knew my grandfather?
My mom told my sister and I that we could keep money that we found when we were cleaning up my grandfather's house after his death. (Part of our payment for helping clean up that hellhole.) That was until we came up with about $25K stuffed into a hole in the wall behind his dresser. She turned that into the estate, but let us keep the few hundred that we found in change and small bills around the house.
We always wondered how much more money was hidden in that house, but mom wanted to sell it and settle the estate ASAP, we didn't make any effort to gut it and see. Then again, maybe his "girlfriend" stole the rest - and just wasn't strong enough to move the dresser and find that stash.

MissKittyDanger · November 2017

This post got me wondering about my grandmother - my mum's mother - because my mum is the Executrix and I'm only grandchild. {my mum is oldest of 5, and only female fyi}

My mum suspects there is no money to be given out, but certain pieces my granny will likely give out over the years.
Since I am getting everything my mum has anyways, my mum said that she'll put aside certain pieces for my child {boy or girl} to have specifically.

This is 100% good info to have.

Also I'm not sure if the states are the same, but banking laws in Canada are weird. When my dad passed, any accounts my mum's name was on didn't freeze but if her name wasn't on it then it would freeze and we had to wait for his death certificate.

Given that knowledge, I am now co-signed on all of my mum's accounts. Actually came in handy when she lent me money and I was repaying her. I just transferred money around because we have an account at the same bank.

kerbohl · November 2017

I don't need anything from my parents - I've told them that at this point I fully expect them to spend it all. Even then, if they didn't and gave it all to the grandkids (I have no children), I also wouldn't be upset, as long as they split in evenly among the grandkids, since favoritism would cause tension between my siblings, and there will already be enough drama after my parents pass.

The ILs had this problem - the grandmother passed and left it to be split equally among the grandkids. Somehow something got lost in translation and it was split equally among the families instead of equally among the grandkids. So since one family had only one child and DH has him and his sister, they got less individually. Caused a rift that wasn't resolved until my wedding day, at which we then had to have a family picture with everyone together even though that wasn't supposed to happen (grumble grumble).

southernbelle0915 · November 2017

I have no idea what my parents have set up. They recently got divorced so whatever plans they did have are being/have been rearranged. And with both of them having the potential to remarry, who the hell knows. I'm counting on zero and if I get anything it'll just be yay!

We are in the process of hiring a lawyer to get all this straightened out and in writing. We really should have done it before babybelle was born, but it's never too late I guess. Most urgently, we need to decide what would happen to babybelle and futurebelle if both of us pass. After that, we need to figure out what to do with wealth. At this point, it'll just be a 50/50 split into trusts for the kids. We have very few sentimental things/stuff but some things I know my mom would want back if I die first. Stuff like that.

ernursej · November 2017

I'm very involved and know exactly what will happen with parents. My sister couldn’t give a rats ass and has no idea. I’m the Executor and also have full signing authority on all their accounts.

Everythhing is split 50/50.

I keep telling my parents to spend it all and not leave anything.

I’m married, no kids (never will) and my sister is married with 3 kids. I would be irritated if there is money left and more went to her because she had kids. I have never said anything to my parents and wouldn’t no matter what happened. It is their money not mine.

CMGragain · November 2017

Mom was on her deathbed when she told me, "Now there are four bank accounts! Be sure and get the money." Those were her last words to me. II was furious to find that she had $600,000 squirreled away in secret. She had lied about "being poor" for years.
My irresponsible sister was named as executor. Noooo! Fortunately, as usual, she gave the responsibility over to me. I settled the state 50/50 as per the will, carefully avoiding unnecessary taxes and attorney fees.
Sister spent her inheritance on credit card debt, new clothes, cars, toys. Nevermind the big mortgage on her house. She sold all her stocks from the state, "because they went down".
We used a part of my inheritance to pay off the small mortgage left on our house. We are now debt free. We haven't touched the rest of it, and we are setting up an education fund for our grandchildren.
DH inherited a seven figure estate a few years ago, also untouched. Now it is our turn to designate what we want done with our estate. No problem with daughter. She is a chip off the old block. Son is completely different. We have made our will, but it looks like we will need to make changes, due to our son's unconventional lifestyle. (He recently made his own will which leaves his estate to his MARRIED-to-someone-else girlfriend with benefits! Not with his great-great-grandparent's farm money!!!!!)
Yep, it's OUR MONEY until we die, and we get a say in who gets what. I am hoping I can talk some sense into my son next week when he visits.

short+sassy · November 2017

CMGragain said:

Mom was on her deathbed when she told me, "Now there are four bank accounts! Be sure and get the money." Those were her last words to me. II was furious to find that she had $600,000 squirreled away in secret. She had lied about "being poor" for years.
My irresponsible sister was named as executor. Noooo! Fortunately, as usual, she gave the responsibility over to me. I settled the state 50/50 as per the will, carefully avoiding unnecessary taxes and attorney fees.
Sister spent her inheritance on credit card debt, new clothes, cars, toys. Nevermind the big mortgage on her house. She sold all her stocks from the state, "because they went down".
We used a part of my inheritance to pay off the small mortgage left on our house. We are now debt free. We haven't touched the rest of it, and we are setting up an education fund for our grandchildren.
DH inherited a seven figure estate a few years ago, also untouched. Now it is our turn to designate what we want done with our estate. No problem with daughter. She is a chip off the old block. Son is completely different. We have made our will, but it looks like we will need to make changes, due to our son's unconventional lifestyle. (He recently made his own will which leaves his estate to his MARRIED-to-someone-else girlfriend with benefits! Not with his great-great-grandparent's farm money!!!!!)
Yep, it's OUR MONEY until we die, and we get a say in who gets what. I am hoping I can talk some sense into my son next week when he visits.

Not an attorney here, so definitely do not quote me on this. But I'd recommend speaking to your estate attorney about this issue. There might be ways to have what's remaining of those assets left to his sister or nieces/nephews, even after his passing.

MissKittyDanger said:

Also I'm not sure if the states are the same, but banking laws in Canada are weird. When my dad passed, any accounts my mum's name was on didn't freeze but if her name wasn't on it then it would freeze and we had to wait for his death certificate.

Given that knowledge, I am now co-signed on all of my mum's accounts. Actually came in handy when she lent me money and I was repaying her. I just transferred money around because we have an account at the same bank.

I'm pretty sure it is the same thing in the U.S. My H and I primarily keep our finances separate. But we are on each other's accounts for exactly this reason.

Child B was wrong, IMO.

Re: Child B was wrong, IMO.

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