Maid of Honor Dilemma

MobKaz · November 2017

Knottie5272caa1b94d8301 said:

I'm just curious what is the point of coming to a wedding website when you've been married for 4-10 years? I'm guessing because you enjoy being rude to people that are excited to be getting married? I asked for advice on how to nicely tell someone that I don't think will show to my wedding that I don't want her as my maid of honor because I don't want to be upset on my wedding day when she doesn't show up, and you all decide to be rude about it. I can have a nice wedding day without having to worry about that if she is not in the wedding. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Just because she is having a hard time does not mean I have to be upset on my wedding day. So you can please stop responding and bullying. I will leave you to your bad behavior.

Actually, I will be married 40 years next August.

I came to this wedding website when my children became engaged. I knew that wedding planning and weddings in general had changed since my personal experience, and I wanted to be prepared with what to expect and how to handle potential changes from "my day".

I learned a lot because I came with not only an open mind, but an understanding of how internet forums work. People can and will say anything, whether relevant or not. I anticipated that comments would be diverse. I also understood that I was interacting with complete strangers, who could only comment in regards to what I posted.

What you are being told is that THERE IS NO NICE WAY to tell anyone, particularly a lifelong friend who has suffered from one of life's cruelest blows, that you no longer want her in your wedding party or life.

Please understand that you cannot control people or life. There is a GOOD chance that someone you expect to attend your wedding will not be there. Life happens. My daughter found out the night before her wedding that a groomsman would not be attending. World's did not collide. Life did not end. Her wedding day was not ruined. If something that simple will upset you on your wedding day, then I suggest you batten down your hatches. Life will disappoint you and you need to learn how to roll with it.

mrsconn23 · November 2017

Knottie5272caa1b94d8301 said:

I said have a nice day ladies. I didn't ask to be crucified for this nor did I want your advice on how exhausting of a person I am, so we can close this post at any time now. This is the reason there are full forum topics about the women that have been married for years being rude to other women on The Knot.

Ro041 · November 2017

Knottie5272caa1b94d8301 said:

I'm just curious what is the point of coming to a wedding website when you've been married for 4-10 years? I'm guessing because you enjoy being rude to people that are excited to be getting married? I asked for advice on how to nicely tell someone that I don't think will show to my wedding that I don't want her as my maid of honor because I don't want to be upset on my wedding day when she doesn't show up, and you all decide to be rude about. I can have a nice wedding day without having to worry about that if she is not in the wedding. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Just because she is having a hard time does not mean I have to be upset on my wedding day. So you can please stop responding and bullying. I will leave you to your bad behavior.

Soooo, I am getting married in 2 weeks. Does that make me worthy of responding to your questions?

I have a few thoughts about what you have posted and I am just going to try to get them out in a concise manner:

(1) People grow apart. It's normal. I had a good friend for years who isn't in my wedding party because we have grown apart.
(2) Your friend went through a tough time. According to your posts, she is still going through a hard time with depression. She chooses to spend time with someone who maybe, just maybe, makes that depression and loss tolerable for a little bit of time. Please don't judge her for coping the way she has chosen to cope. I have a good friend whose husband committed suicide. She spent the next 2 years being a terrible friend - not going to work, drinking too much, sleeping around (although that is NONE of my business), blowing friends off for hookups etc. It was hard to try to be understanding years later but one of the things that you HAVE TO understand that is that the people who are closest to those who pass unexpectedly have their own ways, and their own timelines, to cope. You will kick yourself later for being mad at her when she inevitably comes to you to talk about how hard this time is for her and how you are acting in response. Trust me.
(3) If you don't want her to be your MOH, there is simply no nice way to say that. But you need to make a decision, stick with that decision, and deal with the fallout. One of the consequences of making that decision may be that your friend may decide not to come to your wedding. You have to accept that as a possibility.
(4) You are allowed to have a nice wedding day but NO ONE should walk on eggshells around you to make "your" wedding day perfect. Believe it or not, even though you are getting married, other people have their own lives and their own feelings.
(5) My sister is my MOH. She lives 5 states away. Do you know how much she has done so far? Nothing - because it's not a job. She answers texts about hair, colors, dresses, etc. But that's it. And it's perfect. I love my sister and I love that she is excited for me. My local BMs planned my bachelorette party (because they volunteered).

southernbelle0915 · November 2017

Knottie5272caa1b94d8301 said:

I'm just curious what is the point of coming to a wedding website when you've been married for 4-10 years?

Is that a serious question? Maybe to offer advice and experience to inexperienced people (asking for advice)?

Would you ask someone who is learning to drive for advice on how to navigate the most complicated traffic you've ever faced? Would you ask someone who doesn't cook or is just learning to cook how to prepare and plan a Thanksgiving meal? Would you ask someone who has never gone on a vacation to help you plan the biggest vacation you'll ever take?

If your answer is "yes", then you deserve the advice you get. If it's "of course not", then well you answered your own question.

southernbelle0915 · November 2017

And look, YOU came HERE. Apparently knowing the territory you were entering - which is honest, non-sugar coated advice. You asked for advice. You got it. Sorrynotsorry that it made you think about how awful you're acting and hurt your precious feelers.

And it's kind of hilarious that you've said like 3 times "I said I'm leaving!" Well ok.....then leave.
Image result for bye felicia gif

MissKittyDanger · November 2017

@southernbelle0915

bye GIF

nightnerd · November 2017

OP, in case you're still lurking, what is really the worst that will happen if your MOH doesn't show up the day of the wedding? All she is supposed to do is stand next to you during the ceremony! (And don't stress about having even sides; your wedding party isn't a set of props.) If it should happen that way (which I doubt), call her, make sure she's OK, and go on with your wedding!

I'm willing to say that I can understand your frustration here - to a degree. You're having an exciting big life event, and you want to share that experience with your best friend! It is a shame that it's not going the way you envisioned. However, your friend also has some luge stuff she needs to share, even if it isn't so fun. She probably could still very much use your understanding and support, even though it's been three years since she lost her boyfriend. She's probably super scared to have been alone again so suddenly, nervous about starting to date again, feeling all kinds of guilty for moving on - so many possibilities. If you care at all about this person, I think you really need to try and understand how her life is still being affected by this tragedy. Feel how you feel, because it does suck. But your feelings do not invalidate hers.

Friends grow apart, it sucks, and it happens all the time. It isn't wrong to feel this way. I think your error is that you went against your instinct and asked her to be MOH because you thought you were supposed to, not because you felt a real genuine closeness with her. What's done is done. If you were to tell her this part ("Friend, our lives are so different now that I don't feel the same friendship we used to have"), just know that it is going to be another loss in her life that will hurt and create even more grief for her. I'm all for honesty, but in this case, I really feel like the kindest thing to do is leave your bridal party as it is, lower your expectations of your friend, who is clearly still unpacking a lot, and enjoy your wedding regardless of what happens with that. If you continue to see less and less of each other afterward, fine. But there isn't really a graceful way to deliberately end this friendship, in light of what you've shared.

Maid of Honor Dilemma

Re: Maid of Honor Dilemma

Choose Another Board

Search Boards