How does this even happen?

lovesclimbing · November 2017

DEAR ABBY: We bought our first home seven months ago. We love it, except for one major issue. Our neighbor, who's the same age as I am, is the biggest hypochondriac and laziest person I've ever seen.

She was training to be a police officer, but she had a headache every day, so she got let go last year. Ever since then we have been supporting her (food, Wi-Fi, OTC meds, feminine products). I finally cut her off for about a week until she Facebook-messaged me saying she was starving and hadn't eaten for two days, so I gave in. I gave her a job last week, and she didn't show up the first day.

What should I do? It's causing arguments between my husband and me. I hate to think she's hungry. -- TROUBLED IN THE SOUTH

As the title says, how does this happen? I just can't imagine saying yes to everything someone asks like this! I consider myself a fairly nice and accommodating person, but stuff like this?

"Can I get some dinner?" "No, sorry, we only have a few leftovers and we need them for lunch tomorrow." "But I'm really hungry." "Well, we'll be hungry if we don't keep our food. There's a store five minutes that way. See ya!"

"Hey, can I use your wi-fi?" "I'm afraid we barely have enough gigs for own usage." "Really, you can't share?" "As I said, we use it all. It'd be insanely slow if anyone else used it. We use x company and it was free to setup. Just the monthly charge, you should call them! Gotta run."

"Do you have an aspirin?" "Sure, here's one." *hands one over* "It's bad, can I have the bottle." "No, I'm afraid we need it. You can probably get to the store for more before this one wears off."

"Do you have any tampons I can use? I'm all out." (First, WEIRD! I've asked family members this and had family members ask me, but not neighbors. Second, if you're a woman, how do you run out of feminine hygiene products? I use a menstrual cup and I still have backup tampons and pads in my house.) "I can get you one." *Hands over one* "Do you have any more I can have?" "I need them for my own use, sorry." "But I really need more." "I just don't have any more to give you. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go."

banana468 · November 2017

What did Abby say? LW is being USED.

CMGragain · November 2017

There is a word in the English language that is proper to use. It is "No."

levioosa · November 2017

Why does this remind me of pancake flour girl?

I can forgive the pads/tampons thing...once. A few months ago I had to send SO out to get some from the store because I thought I had another box in the closet but it turned out I was completely out.

If this happened to me, I would change my wifi PW and the next time neighbor asked me for something I'd say, "It looks like this is more than something I can help you with. Here is the number to social services. They'll be able to help you set up a disability income with food assistance."

lovesclimbing · November 2017

DEAR TROUBLED: You are a kindhearted person, but you are being taken advantage of. If your neighbor has family that can be located, they should be notified that she's unable to care for herself. If no relative is willing to take responsibility for her, contact social services or direct the woman to the nearest food bank or soup kitchen. I suspect her problems are more extensive than headaches and procrastination.

knottie6fe2cc5434160aa2 · November 2017

"How does this even happen?" poverty and disability. have some damn compassion.

lovesclimbing · November 2017

Good job missing the point. I am not judging the neighbor for needing things or being in poverty. I am saying "how does this even happen" to the letter writer who is somehow unable to just say no if she doesn't want to provide many of her neighbor's basic needs.

I do have compassion. In fact, we donate food to our local food bank weekly precisely to help people like this woman. We also donate what we can to organizations that help people in need.

My family is far from wealthy, and I would be in poverty myself and unable to help anyone at all in what ways we can if I was supplying someone else's wifi, food, meds and feminine hygiene products.

FYI, for context, we regularly discuss advice columns in this section of the website. And probably at least 75% of the letters sent to advice columnists could be answered with "Use your words and/or just say no."

ei34 · November 2017

I think the LW did have compassion, and that’s what got her into this inappropriate scenario. The neighbor needs actual help though, so the neighbor enabling her can’t go on, in the best interest of either party.

southernbelle0915 · November 2017

I'll say it......I'm willing to bet she got let go from the police force because she couldn't pass the drug test. I'm pretty sure they can't let you go for having medical problems - you'd go on short term disability, or take FMLA or something.

"I'm hungry."
"Here is the number for a local food pantry."
"I can't make rent."
"Here is the number for local HHS." (and also, kind of yay because she won't be your neighbor anymore)
"I'm cold."
"Here is the number for a women's shelter."
"I need wifi."
"Here is the address of the library."
"I need medicine."
"Here is the number to get enrolled with Medicaid."
"I need a job."
"We tried that and you never showed up - here is the number for a staffing agency."

charlotte989875 · November 2017

Yeah a total of no one is saying the LW should just say “screw it neighbor you’re on your own”. But LW is feeling taken advantage of and has shown immense compassion to the neighbor. There are resources available, albeit imperfect ones, but helping a neighbor can’t, and shouldn’t, come at the expense of LWs life or marriage.

climbingsingle · November 2017

This woman is very clearly using her neighbor, and taking advantage of her kindness. It's OK to lean on others if you need assistance through a hard time. It's not OK to use people, and then blow off any opportunity you have to better your situation.

MissKittyDanger · November 2017

LW does have compassion as does everyone else. If LW didn't have compassion, then they wouldn't have helped.

MissKittyDanger · November 2017

There's a line and LW's neighbour crossed it.

I'm wondering why neighbour didn't speak to their family? Also, LW could have also said "yeh I'll help, but I'm unable to continue so why don't I show you some options that can help more long term?"

Although LW helped with giving neighbour a job but they didn't show? Yeh I'd be so done.

climbingsingle · November 2017

She's only known this person for 7 months though.

CharmedPam · November 2017

Also - I think more laziness than disability.

MissKittyDanger · November 2017

Right!? We've known our neighbours for about a year {both sides moved in about same time as us} and even though one side has a kid, we still won't be asking if they have stuff to give away for ours on the way.

mrsconn23 · November 2017

Exactly! I mean, how do you go from strangers to financially and materially supporting their entire life in 7 months?

I've lived in my house for over three years and have 2 neighbors I could maybe ask to borrow a cup of sugar (or whatever) from, and I think I'd still rather go to the store and buy it myself. (Not that I think they'd have a problem with it or anything, I just don't *know* them.)

MissKittyDanger · November 2017

It's one thing to know you can talk to your neighbour about things but LW's neighbour goes too far. I mean if LW's neighbour said "hey I'm new to the area and I'm having issues with things, can you direct me to x-y-z?"

The neighbour we share a driveway with has a snowblower, so in the winter while he's doing 'his side' he'll just do entire thing to make it easier. That's probably the most we'd do lmfao

short+sassy · November 2017

I also don't understand why the LW didn't cut this off a long time ago. The LW is a way too soft-hearted sucker. Oh, she's worried her neighbor is hungry? Too effing bad. Her neighbor is a grown-ass woman who has chosen to be a destitute mooch. At least "supposedly" she is destitute.

There is definitely a subset of the population who live in this entitled place where they think the whole world owes them everything. Short of them changing their attitude, there is no actually helping them. Ever.

The LW even gave this women the biggest gift of all...a job!!! It's like the old adage from the Bible about not just giving a person a fish, but teaching them how to fish.

And the woman threw that opportunity in the trash. Where she has probably thrown every opportunity to actually better her life and situation. Less than zero sympathy here.

banana468 · November 2017

Yeah, there's a line between compassion and enabling. The line is so far past this neighbor that it's barely a dot in her vision.

There's a HUGE difference between helping someone out who fell on hard times and FINANCING someone who fell on hard times who doesn't make an effort to change.

lovesclimbing · November 2017

You say that and this is going through my head.

banana468 · November 2017

EXACTLY what was going through my mind when I typed it. ;-)

How does this even happen?

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