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Wedding Woes
mrsconn23
member
Um, you sound like a snob.
in Wedding Woes
Dear Prudence,
Recently my friend Amy made a new friend, Mary. I’ve met her a few times, and while we were polite to each other, she isn’t someone I’d care to interact with more than necessary. I don’t seek her out, nor do I invite her to social events. Mary has slowly become part of my circle of friends. She has made a few comments intimating she’s upset that she hasn’t been invited to some of our get-togethers, but she is in a very different financial bracket than the rest of us. The restaurants and events we choose to go to are pricey. I recently hosted a dinner party for my friends and their plus ones, and Amy brought Mary. I didn’t want her at my house. We’re not friends, and I don’t enjoy her presence. I’m hosting another dinner party for the holidays, and I know Amy will bring Mary. I do not invite people I don’t want to be around to my parties. How do I politely tell Amy to stop bringing Mary?
—She’s Not Invited; She Comes Anyway
Recently my friend Amy made a new friend, Mary. I’ve met her a few times, and while we were polite to each other, she isn’t someone I’d care to interact with more than necessary. I don’t seek her out, nor do I invite her to social events. Mary has slowly become part of my circle of friends. She has made a few comments intimating she’s upset that she hasn’t been invited to some of our get-togethers, but she is in a very different financial bracket than the rest of us. The restaurants and events we choose to go to are pricey. I recently hosted a dinner party for my friends and their plus ones, and Amy brought Mary. I didn’t want her at my house. We’re not friends, and I don’t enjoy her presence. I’m hosting another dinner party for the holidays, and I know Amy will bring Mary. I do not invite people I don’t want to be around to my parties. How do I politely tell Amy to stop bringing Mary?
—She’s Not Invited; She Comes Anyway
Re: Um, you sound like a snob.
However, when it's your own house you can be more specific I feel. I think invites need to be specific though, and accept there will likely be a bit of backlash - especially from 'Amy'.
LW can't stand Mary. It happens. Don't offer Amy a plus one to a dinner party. Don't offer anyone a plus one - invite everyone specifically. You don't have to hang out with people you don't like, for whatever reasons.
And no, don't give me that "Just give her a chance!" bullshit. Just realize that not everyone likes everyone and move on. Amy can see Mary on her own time, not on LW's.
"nope"
"okay, cool".
I'd ask the OP why is Amy such good friends with the social circle and why does she feel that she can't be friends with her? If the financial issue is the only impediment I have a feeling it's going to be the LW and not Amy that's phased out of social events.
Because not liking, or liking, someone should have nothing to do with what they afford.
I agree that you should be comfortable with the people that are coming to your home for any reason. But she needs to come up with a better reason than she gave Prudie because if she tries to bring $$ into it, she may turn off Mary and/or the rest of the group.
She just doesn't like her. And she doesn't have to. If Amy is her friend, she can say to Amy, "I don't really connect with Mary and I would rather you not bring her to the holiday dinner party. If I wanted to invite Mary, I would have. But I simply don't enjoy her company." And going forward, don't offer Amy a plus one.
I agree with @southernbelle0915. I wasn't reading that the LW doesn't like Amy because she is of a different income level. I don't necessarily see her as being snobby, though the comment about Amy not being able to be go to the same restaurants was a bit of a side-eye.
This is really reading into the letter, but I wonder if that line came from some of the other friends in the group saying things like (outside of Amy's knowledge), "I know we usually go to Four-Star Restaurant A, but let's meet at Two-Star Restaurant B so Amy can go also."
Obviously, the LW wouldn't be issuing an invite to Amy to meet at either Restaurant A or B or her own home! Which is, again, why I don't think Amy's income is the issue with the LW.
Many people have friends in different social groups. They do not general force relationships between people in the different groups. Sure once in a while someone might bring an outsider to an event, but it seems like Amy brings Mary a lot, which is kind-of odd to me. Unless they are more than friends. Then it makes sense and Mary should be treated like other SO.
Is it snobby that LW's "restaurants and events we choose to go to are pricey"? Not necessarily. It's all relative. Someone lower than Mary's income bracket may consider her food and event preferences snobby. People are allowed to have preferences and spend their money how they want.
If LW had said, "My friend Amy has brought a new person Mary into our group. I am cordial to Mary, but don't like her and don't enjoy spending time with her. She's increasingly coming along with the group and has intimated to me that she's upset I haven't invited her to my events. I had a dinner party and offered plus ones to my guests. Amy brought Mary with her. I'm having another dinner party in the future and don't want Amy to bring Mary with her. What do I do?" I'd be team LW all the way.
I think in trying to be politic in her delivery and the only concrete negative (to LW) beyond personality clash is where Mary stands economically...LW comes off in a snobby manner. I understand where she's coming from in not wanting to be around someone she doesn't like, but I stand by the fact that bringing income into this argument won't help LW prove her point about why she doesn't like Mary. Because it sounds like the rest of the group has either tolerated or embraced Mary. If I were her and if there were another trusted member of the group, I'd take her temp on Mary. If that person also has reservations about Mary, trying to distance from Amy could go a lot smoother.
As far as the upcoming dinner party, LW needs to strap on the big girl panties and tell Amy that she doesn't get a +1 or that Mary cannot be her +1. But she's going to have to brace for fallout.
Edit: I had the names mixed up.
I agree with you - if I'm spending my time and money going out, I want it to be a situation where I enjoy myself. I would be annoyed if someone routinely brought a person who wasn't invited/that I didn't like.
I think what's coming off as snobbish in the OP is that the LW seemingly doesn't like Mary only because she doesn't have as much money as the rest of the people in the group. The only negative thing that she said that Mary did was mention being hurt/upset about not being included in some of the outings. That's annoying - but it's not like she's saying "Mary is a complete jerk to everyone. She gets blackout drunk and makes a scene/starts a fight/pukes on people. Mary smells like cat pee, and never stops talking about Mr. Fluffers' wedding to Peanut. Last time she tried to show us a slideshow." - it sounds like Mary is a nice/polite person who just isn't as well off as the others. If she gave some examples of Mary behaving badly, then I think people would be more understanding.
LW doesn't mention that any of the others share her opinion, which leads me to believe that they don't mind having Mary along.
LW and her friends can still continue to go to the symphony, or the hottest new restaurant, or go yacht shopping - if the group doesn't mind Mary joining in (Mary can determine if she can afford it - or maybe Amy is paying her way), then the OP would need to suck it up or decide it's a dealbreaker and find new friends.
I do feel like OP needs to talk to Amy about the upcoming party and be direct that she is not extending an invite to Mary for whatever reasons.
However, I'm pretty sure LW just doesn't like Mary. That's fine. But yeah, then stop with the general plus ones, because you can't say "Bring anyone but that one person you obviously like hanging out with."
Then she moves on from the status of how she feels about Mary (without giving a why) to say that Mary has made comments about being upset about not being included in things. LW then says the reason for Mary not being included is because the restaurants are pricey (and the implication here is that the friend group doesn't think Mary can afford it).
Income is only a factor when it comes to the restaurants and events. No where does LW connect income as a factor in her feelings for Mary.
I'd draw the line at inviting Mary to my house, but deal with her when she's invited other places. And leave her income out of it.