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Wedding Woes
mrsconn23
member
Wedding 'beef'
Dear Prudence,
I’ve recently become engaged. I’ve been a vegetarian for ethical reasons for more than 20 years, and my fiancé, while not a vegetarian himself, often eats vegetarian food with me. I’d like our wedding dinner to be meat-free, but my fiancé is very against this. He thinks most people will expect meat (his family is full of “meat-and-potatoes” types) and won’t enjoy the meal otherwise. I don’t want to serve meat at my wedding. I feel very strongly about this, but my fiancé thinks I’m forcing my beliefs on everyone and “taking away their choice.” It’s not like I want to pass out pamphlets or tell people what to eat at other meals—I’d just like to serve a meal that’s incidentally vegetarian and delicious. I’m not sure if it matters, but his parents are not helping pay for the wedding, it is mostly us and my parents. How do we resolve this?
—Animal Lover
I’ve recently become engaged. I’ve been a vegetarian for ethical reasons for more than 20 years, and my fiancé, while not a vegetarian himself, often eats vegetarian food with me. I’d like our wedding dinner to be meat-free, but my fiancé is very against this. He thinks most people will expect meat (his family is full of “meat-and-potatoes” types) and won’t enjoy the meal otherwise. I don’t want to serve meat at my wedding. I feel very strongly about this, but my fiancé thinks I’m forcing my beliefs on everyone and “taking away their choice.” It’s not like I want to pass out pamphlets or tell people what to eat at other meals—I’d just like to serve a meal that’s incidentally vegetarian and delicious. I’m not sure if it matters, but his parents are not helping pay for the wedding, it is mostly us and my parents. How do we resolve this?
—Animal Lover
Re: Wedding 'beef'
If you do it though, I would still try to give guests choices if possible. Some vegetarian options at weddings are meals like eggplant parmesan which I'd love but my husband would gag at.
And if we saw the bride getting into or out of a vehicle with leather seats or wearing leather shoes we'd roll our eyes at why she's talking out of both sides of her mouth.
The bottom line here though is that she's bringing up her FI's family not paying but her FI himself has spoken up. So she and her FI need to talk about what they want for their wedding and to compromise together. It sounds like she's trying to say, "If you want your family members to be able to eat meat then your parents need to pay for that because *I* won't let *our* money go to that. And if that's her stance it's bullshit. So the two of them need to communicate well without playing the money card.
A wedding is a party. You are inviting guests to the party. Therefore, her FI is correct that they should take his family's preferences into consideration. If that is too much to bear, then don't.have.the.party. Or offer cocktails, heavy veg apps, and dessert only. But if you're going to have a full sit-down meal, consider your guests.
Furthermore, I hate the whole 'beliefs' argument in this circumstance. You believe in being a vegetarian for yourself. If this was a small dinner party, then eggplant lasagna for all. But with an event such as a wedding and you're entertaining several (50-500) guests, I think you have to set aside some of that and do what's in the best interest of the people you're inviting (especially in this situation, where her FI DOESN'T FOLLOW HER SAME DIET! It's HIS wedding too!). She can eat the vegetarian option...geeze.
DH's cousin's wife is a super strict vegan for the most part and they had meat options at their wedding. They only had ~25-30 people at their destination wedding (we couldn't go).
I'm not vegetarian, but quite often when I'm out I'll steer more vegetarian just because I'm picky on how things are cooked.
But M, is a "meat-and-potatoes" dude.
So we did both. Pasta that was vegetarian, and meat option.
It's not inhospitable to serve a delicious vegetarian meal, but I understand wanting to increase your guests' enjoyment if possible, and her FI seems to care more about that, while she cares more about the principle of not paying to kill things. I'm not sure where the compromise lies.
M is a red meat eater, but understands I'm not. I pay for groceries, but I'm not going to constantly say "no" and hold the "i pay for groceries" over his head
They need to figure out where to compromise but it can't be with her FIL's cash.
I can understand the LW's point, but I side more with the FI.
The reception is for the guests. With that said, if this was a matter of NEITHER of them wanting meat at the reception, even though the FI's family are meat eaters, I'd be fine with them going "vegetarian" only.
But the FI isn't a vegetarian and it's his reception also. I think it's reasonable for him to want a compromise of mostly veggie foods, but with one meat choice for an entrée.
Edited to add: I just noticed the title for this post. Love the double meaning. @mrsconn23, you are a master!
We have had these questions on TK! If both people getting married are vegetarians and they are paying for the wedding themselves, a vegetarian wedding they should have. HOWEVER, if anyone paying wants meat - that needs to be taken into consideration. And FI is paying and he wants meat. The LW is so wrong here.
I also agree with Banana's point that it seems like the LW wants FI's parents to chip in so that their family can eat meat. But LW never once says what her parents want or what her family would enjoy. Much of this letter is me, me, me at my wedding.
Not the same, but in a 'belief' vein...my aunt and uncle skipped my sister's wedding because it wasn't in a church or performed by a minister. They had some strange rant about their beliefs and marriage and how it's not a 'real' wedding because it was performed by my sister's friend, whom is Wiccan (not that I think my aunt and uncle know that). Like, no one was asking my aunt and uncle to change their beliefs and there was no agreement to do so by attending my sister's wedding. But their response to my sister's choices were as if my sister was making a personal affront to them.
I do feel like it is asking her going against her beliefs. If she were hosting at home she would prepare a vegetarian meal. Why she be forced to host something she finds morally wrong? If she were sober would you advocate that she must serve alcohol? Or pork if she were Muslim?
As to your example; it would be more like if your sister were forced to have a Christian ceremony because some fraction of the guest list preferred it. It isn’t her belief but because some other people can’t step out of their comfort zone for a few hours she has to change her lifestyle to please them.
But anyway, it's her belief, not theirs as a couple. So she's only one half of making the decisions here.
If a couple were Christian and Muslim, and one side of the couple was pushing to do a ceremony that was only their faith, and the other wanted mixed faith, I'd side with the person who wanted to do mixed faith. Because it's both their beliefs.
I was married during Lent on a Friday. I am Catholic and that means I am to refrain from eating meat that day. If I wanted everyone to follow my beliefs, I should have had a fully Lenten friendly meal. I didn't because I know that not everyone is Catholic or even follows the meat-free Fridays of Lent.
I had the option of a fully Lenten meal for anyone who wanted it. From the appetizers at cocktail hour through the main entrée. Anyone who wanted to could refrain from meat. But I also served meat during the reception. I allowed people to have the option.
Especially since the FI wants it, I think the option of eating meat should be offered at the reception. No one is saying slice up beef and force feed it to LW, her beliefs can still be observed throughout the reception. But I think the FIs beliefs of eating meat should also be allowed.
Edited to fix : autocorrect
There really isn't enough information to go on here. We recently attended a wedding of a vegetarian marrying a non vegetarian and both options were available. He eats vegetarian plenty but also likes meat.
Does she ever eat at places that serve meat? Does he eat meat when with her ever? This seems like an odd thing to force when it's only half the couple.
Also it kinda sounds like LW is trying to force her choices on her guests. If I was vegetarian, I wouldn't have just veg wedding meal. Would I have more veg vs non-veg options? Yes, likely.
But what if someone is vegan? Does that mean everyone has to eat vegan?
There's a wedding coming up and the bride is gluten-free {not by choice, but by allergy} and she's mentioned she'll have more gluten-free options but isn't just taking out other options.
They didn't even do hand-fasting or anything. Sis and BIL had a fairly traditional ceremony, just no Bible stuff...ha. It was one of the shortest ceremonies ever and that was great, because standing up as a BM can suck in heels.
In this particular instance, I do think LW needs to compromise, not b/c of her beliefs or how I believe guests needs should be considered, but b/c her FI is a meat eater and wants meat at his wedding. The wedding is both of them, not just her, and not just her planning. But, I would try and find locally sourced meat, that would maybe come closer to her belief system that mass produced.
I agree with everything V said.
My neighbor is newly vegan. When she hosted cards I fully expected the food to be vegan. I forgot the part that she's a terrible cook. I'm not against any food except food that's prepared badly.
You'd think there would be less to go wrong with veggies. I take it that was not the case, lol.
@mrsconn23 I also love the title
Edited- grammar
I told her I wouldn't dream of having a vegetarian wedding-- because of the guests. We avoided eating animals but weren't going to remove the right for others to eat them. Eating animals is just very ingrained in our society, so.
That being said, if this couple decided to go heavy on the vegetarian fare, what they shouldn't do is tell everyone stuff is vegetarian. Calling things veggie or vegan is itself a turnoff no matter how awesome the food is (pumpkin ravioli, anyone?). They could serve a meat dish from a supplier with ethically-sourced meat (free range cows, for example, instead of a more common factory farm).
I was more joking, but that is a good point. I could see vegetarian cooking possibly being easier than cooking with meat, but vegan cooking seems like it could be really difficult. Though, granted, I've never tried it.
I've only been in one vegan restaurant once. I think they made their "cheese" out of cashews. I was curious, but suspected I wouldn't like it. The best sounding thing that I ordered...avocado/hummus/sprouts/lettuce/tomato sandwich...didn't have the cashew cheese anyway.
I was hugely impressed it had sprouts. Oddly enough, a very difficult thing to find in my area. Even in grocery stores. Not so impressed it was on normal-sized sandwich bread...no meat or cheese...but cost almost $10.